Alright, So...this is a list of things that everyone should know concerning me. Why? Because then you won't have to ask. No, just kidding. It's more like random thoughts of the kitten...but good to know nonetheless.
1. I love turquoise in any color, size, or shape. Though, bigger and more gaudy is always better.
2. I rarely wear only one shirt.
3. I would be lost without my planner, cell phone, and ipod.
4. I love dancing by myself in my apartment once everyone has gone to bed.
5. You will RARELY see me in the color pink.
6. I'm a bit of an undercover feminist.
7. I love jamming on my violin to Dave Matthews Band.
8. I have too many pairs of shoes.
9. If my feet could handle wearing heels everyday, I would.
10. I gag at the thought of other people's hair on me.
11. I love a good bubble bath with a novel and soft music.
12. The most expensive thing I own is my ibook G4.
13. I try to be non-judgmental, but I adore going people watching.
14. I'm a post-it addict.
15. I love big puffy couches that consume you when you sit down. They're best for lounging and reading.
16. My biggest fear is dying alone and unloved.
17. I believe in old school romanticism with a modern flare.
18. I can lucid dream.
19. You can never make too many lists.
20. My best friend once told me the best cure for a hangover is a shower and a soda. She was right.
21. The best cure for cramps is chocolate. No joke.
22. I consider myself an artist.
23. No pattern is too bold. (Though some are HIDEOUS.)
24. I would die to own a pair of Manolo Blahnik shoes.
25. Someday, I will table dance at a bar. And some other day, I will do that sober.
26. I want to learn the drums.
27. Any man who (owns and) wears wingtips is my new best friend.
28. I own vegetarian friendly shoes.
29. Carrie Bradshaw is my hero. Idol?
30. Cynically sarcastic.
31. Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. Lo-lee-ta: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth. Lo. Lee. Ta.
32. There's something about finely written literature that gets me all hot and aroused with emotion.
33. There's a systematic way to shower. Body, Face, Hair. Unless you're in a hurry. Hair, Body, Face.
34. I revise while in conversation.
35. I HATE yellow roses. I love them, actually, but never want them given to me.
36. Procrastination gets the job done.
37. No matter how old I am, I still love a good disney movie.
38. Everything you want in life should be difficult to obtain. If it's too easy, it's too good to be true.
39. I don't care what everyone says, the book is ALWAYS better. Someone prove me wrong.
40. Target. I love you.
41. Drinking in the middle of the afternoon is never a good idea.
42. I still sleep with my childhood toy pet sometimes.
43. I love the feeling of clean sheets.
44. Cosmopolitans are my favorite drink.
45. If I'm in love with a song, I could listen to it 50 times in a row...and still want to hear it tomorrow.
To be continued...
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Reactions/Notes/Why?
Angry Black White Boy.
"Oh, what's that about?" "It's the story of a boy, Macon, who goes to Columbia, gets a job driving a taxicab around NY, and robs his passengers."
"So, he's black...?"
End of story.
Seriously. No exaggerations. I can't quite think of what to say to that sort of thing. Macon's the boy trying to change our society, trying to build the bridge between two differing cultures. But why are they split in the first place? Melting pot, we are not...
Notes:::::
Novel Progress: Nonexistent.
Days until school starts again: Not Enough.
Times I've checked my away message in the last 30 seconds: ~7
(A true addict...)
Times I put on moisturizer today: 3.
Today: Christmas Day, The First day of Hannukah.
Times I got thanked to play in church today: 5.
Times I've been visibly bitten in the past week: 3.
Number of times my cell phone rang today: Once.
Minutes I've spent looking at my frozen ipod: at least 40. (Anyone know how to restart?)
Glasses of some sort of alcoholic beverage today: 4. (Two hot, Two iced).
This Christmas.
"Last Christmas I gave you my heart..."
I remember sewing buttons on your pants last christmas because they had popped off. That sticker you put on your nose from the blue GAP polo that I gave you with the inspector number, I still remember just how it looked and how you were laughing. I remember drinking Mom's famous hot rum cider mixture and sitting with my family by our christmas tree. You and I were up later than everyone else. The late night tree and the flickers of sparks from the still new relationship. That awful hat that I hated. The grey one you always wore for your late night study sessions or early in the morning when you would bike off to class.
This Christmas?
"Maybe this Christmas/will mean something more/maybe this year/love will appear/deeper than ever before"
Visions get into my head and I can't seem to get them out. The video clips are still playing. The written stories keep getting more elaborate in my head. The same clip keeps going on over and over. Over and over. The same christmas tree and the conversations going back and forth in my head. Why did looking at the alter in Faith Lutheran this morning make me think of what my marriage would be like? Why? This time, something's different. I've never thought of what my marriage would be like. Hell, I've prided myself for years on thinking that I'll never even get married. Why is it now that I can picture the whole thing happening?
"Oh, what's that about?" "It's the story of a boy, Macon, who goes to Columbia, gets a job driving a taxicab around NY, and robs his passengers."
"So, he's black...?"
End of story.
Seriously. No exaggerations. I can't quite think of what to say to that sort of thing. Macon's the boy trying to change our society, trying to build the bridge between two differing cultures. But why are they split in the first place? Melting pot, we are not...
Notes:::::
Novel Progress: Nonexistent.
Days until school starts again: Not Enough.
Times I've checked my away message in the last 30 seconds: ~7
(A true addict...)
Times I put on moisturizer today: 3.
Today: Christmas Day, The First day of Hannukah.
Times I got thanked to play in church today: 5.
Times I've been visibly bitten in the past week: 3.
Number of times my cell phone rang today: Once.
Minutes I've spent looking at my frozen ipod: at least 40. (Anyone know how to restart?)
Glasses of some sort of alcoholic beverage today: 4. (Two hot, Two iced).
This Christmas.
"Last Christmas I gave you my heart..."
I remember sewing buttons on your pants last christmas because they had popped off. That sticker you put on your nose from the blue GAP polo that I gave you with the inspector number, I still remember just how it looked and how you were laughing. I remember drinking Mom's famous hot rum cider mixture and sitting with my family by our christmas tree. You and I were up later than everyone else. The late night tree and the flickers of sparks from the still new relationship. That awful hat that I hated. The grey one you always wore for your late night study sessions or early in the morning when you would bike off to class.
This Christmas?
"Maybe this Christmas/will mean something more/maybe this year/love will appear/deeper than ever before"
Visions get into my head and I can't seem to get them out. The video clips are still playing. The written stories keep getting more elaborate in my head. The same clip keeps going on over and over. Over and over. The same christmas tree and the conversations going back and forth in my head. Why did looking at the alter in Faith Lutheran this morning make me think of what my marriage would be like? Why? This time, something's different. I've never thought of what my marriage would be like. Hell, I've prided myself for years on thinking that I'll never even get married. Why is it now that I can picture the whole thing happening?
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
Em--Tribute to the Fans
"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength."
Thank you. That means more to me than you'd think.
"WOW...your blog is amazing! you are a beautiful writer and i admire your...personality(for lack of a better word, that i cant find right now)" -----I love you, too.
If it wasn't for you guys, I wouldn't be so composed right now. This Blog's been up for over a year now and I couldn't be happier about it. She's my pride and joy, to make a Stevie Ray Vaughan reference. I truly appreciate everyone's kind words and encouragement-That's what gets me through my day. I love you all and respect you for taking the time to check my postings on a regular basis. [Note: I feel like I'm writing an acceptance speech...Perhaps my Pulitzer someday?]
I love you all--You mean the world to me. Thank you.
-over and out!
Thank you. That means more to me than you'd think.
"WOW...your blog is amazing! you are a beautiful writer and i admire your...personality(for lack of a better word, that i cant find right now)" -----I love you, too.
If it wasn't for you guys, I wouldn't be so composed right now. This Blog's been up for over a year now and I couldn't be happier about it. She's my pride and joy, to make a Stevie Ray Vaughan reference. I truly appreciate everyone's kind words and encouragement-That's what gets me through my day. I love you all and respect you for taking the time to check my postings on a regular basis. [Note: I feel like I'm writing an acceptance speech...Perhaps my Pulitzer someday?]
I love you all--You mean the world to me. Thank you.
-over and out!
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Black Eyes
This is all leading me right back in circles
Circling back to the center
The center of the picture, The one that once held...
The dark circles under the eyes
Results from weeks of sleepless nights
Nights I'd be up thinking of...
The streaks run down
Into a pool which forms just at the base
Just anytime I glance at...
This drama, This writing
This story.
All has to end.
Circling back to the center
The center of the picture, The one that once held...
The dark circles under the eyes
Results from weeks of sleepless nights
Nights I'd be up thinking of...
The streaks run down
Into a pool which forms just at the base
Just anytime I glance at...
This drama, This writing
This story.
All has to end.
Anyone for a game of Hearts?
I know you said my heart belongs to someone I've yet to meet, but it was yours for the taking...
Friday, December 16, 2005
In my own little corner
So, I'm going to be a little hermit crab over christmas vacation. vacation? Ok, so it's not really a vacation because I won't be lounging around my house in pjs and hats, but I'll be at the gap and back and forth madison and janesville.
Why am I going to be a little hermit crab? Because I don't plan on going out that much. I plan on sitting at my apartment, writing my little heart out.
I'm looking forward to some much needed time to myself to figure out some stuff and contemplate how I'm really not that young, how I'm much older than many of the older people I know, and how this life is already so far from being teenaged. Had lunch with a friend today. A much older friend than I am and one of my oldest for that matter. Yet, it never seems uncomfortable to sit and talk with him about his married friends or what he's thinking in life or how he's realized that he's not "old enough" yet to grow up. In some respects, it pains me to say that I'm more grown up than most of my friends and in other ways, it feels immaculate.
Until exams are over, this might be the latest blog for awhile.
All I want for Christmas? Healing.
Why am I going to be a little hermit crab? Because I don't plan on going out that much. I plan on sitting at my apartment, writing my little heart out.
I'm looking forward to some much needed time to myself to figure out some stuff and contemplate how I'm really not that young, how I'm much older than many of the older people I know, and how this life is already so far from being teenaged. Had lunch with a friend today. A much older friend than I am and one of my oldest for that matter. Yet, it never seems uncomfortable to sit and talk with him about his married friends or what he's thinking in life or how he's realized that he's not "old enough" yet to grow up. In some respects, it pains me to say that I'm more grown up than most of my friends and in other ways, it feels immaculate.
Until exams are over, this might be the latest blog for awhile.
All I want for Christmas? Healing.
Wednesday, December 14, 2005
Life, Actually.
Right now, I quite understand why women wear heavy black eye makeup. You can't tell that my eyes are puffed up like rising bread, or the fact that they are a gorgeous shade of pink rose. It also doesn't look like I'm that tired. Lovely little facade we have going on, isn't it?
Ahh...morning. I need to read, so this will be short.
Just a few days prior, my best friend and I were discussing my situation, and she said something like, "I really admire how well you're taking all of this. I've been meaning to tell you that for some time now. If it was any of our other friends, I can't imagine they'd be doing as well." That meant more than the world to me.
My friends are the most important people in my life, and right now, it seems like the only ones i can really count on. I always think I need a support system when I get upset or angry, and the awful fact of the matter is, yes, I do. I need to know that they are always going to be there for me, through thick and thin. THEY are the constancy my life needs. No matter how bad things get, they don't run away when it gets hard, they stick through it all right with me.
I'm actually theirs.
Ahh...morning. I need to read, so this will be short.
Just a few days prior, my best friend and I were discussing my situation, and she said something like, "I really admire how well you're taking all of this. I've been meaning to tell you that for some time now. If it was any of our other friends, I can't imagine they'd be doing as well." That meant more than the world to me.
My friends are the most important people in my life, and right now, it seems like the only ones i can really count on. I always think I need a support system when I get upset or angry, and the awful fact of the matter is, yes, I do. I need to know that they are always going to be there for me, through thick and thin. THEY are the constancy my life needs. No matter how bad things get, they don't run away when it gets hard, they stick through it all right with me.
I'm actually theirs.
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Can we settle down please?
So many words in that sentence have me thinking. Can--how is it possible that we know anything? scepticism...
We? Collective, but it can also be exclusive. It's collective in the sense that it's between only a certain amount of people and between those people only, so it's like a family. But, at the same time, it excludes others. Settle? enough said. (ahh, Lo, the conversations we have!) Please? It's proper to use your manners. Yes, I agree. But what really is proper? Please? Must we always ask or is it that nowadays these things are merely implied? Our society has come so far from traditions. Conventionality.
Conventions. My life is full of none. I shouldn't have to work two jobs. (Though, I still feel the need to...) I shouldn't have to share a room at my age. I shouldn't have to pay a ridiculous amount for rented parking. I probably shouldn't be able to do my homework--or write on my blog as I am right now--at work. This life filled with disease shouldn't be happening to me. I shouldn't have carpal tunnel. Of all things, a writer should never be plagued by these things.
A writer. I so often call myself this, but what makes me a writer? I mean really. I write. Yes, but many people write. I used to consider myself a musician. And still do...does that mean my identity has changed because I now attribute myself as more of a writer than as a musician. That was supposed to be my life. Spent in a small cubicle of a practice room, preparing for shows, auditions, teaching. I planned on Music Education and sometimes, yes, sometimes, that still bothers me. But the fact of the matter is, that in finding out that that wasn't the path I should have gone with, I found something I should have attributed to my life a long time ago. I've been writing down my poetry since I was still in Middle School. And, yet, I've never thought myself much of a poet. Realistically at least.
I was always the music kid. Voted Next American Idol in high school. 2nd Place for Most Musical in High School. That's how I'll be remembered. And yet, I wasn't the one listed as the "Next novelist" or "Most likely to win a Pulitzer." It's strange to find something "new" that I can attribute with myself that isn't what I thought it would be at all.
But, what in life is actually something that I've planned out. I plan on getting married, I plan on writing, I plan on being successful. I want a family. I want my dreams--I want them all within reach. I plan on writing for me. Not for the Creative Writing program here, which I've opted to shy away from. I don't want to write for them, I want to write for me. I want to read good literature and have thoughts about that and incorporate it in my own work like those before me. I want to have the time for me. The time I cherish to do my work. I want the time to sit here and whittle away at my computer to collect my thoughts and tell my stories.
I want creativity.
We? Collective, but it can also be exclusive. It's collective in the sense that it's between only a certain amount of people and between those people only, so it's like a family. But, at the same time, it excludes others. Settle? enough said. (ahh, Lo, the conversations we have!) Please? It's proper to use your manners. Yes, I agree. But what really is proper? Please? Must we always ask or is it that nowadays these things are merely implied? Our society has come so far from traditions. Conventionality.
Conventions. My life is full of none. I shouldn't have to work two jobs. (Though, I still feel the need to...) I shouldn't have to share a room at my age. I shouldn't have to pay a ridiculous amount for rented parking. I probably shouldn't be able to do my homework--or write on my blog as I am right now--at work. This life filled with disease shouldn't be happening to me. I shouldn't have carpal tunnel. Of all things, a writer should never be plagued by these things.
A writer. I so often call myself this, but what makes me a writer? I mean really. I write. Yes, but many people write. I used to consider myself a musician. And still do...does that mean my identity has changed because I now attribute myself as more of a writer than as a musician. That was supposed to be my life. Spent in a small cubicle of a practice room, preparing for shows, auditions, teaching. I planned on Music Education and sometimes, yes, sometimes, that still bothers me. But the fact of the matter is, that in finding out that that wasn't the path I should have gone with, I found something I should have attributed to my life a long time ago. I've been writing down my poetry since I was still in Middle School. And, yet, I've never thought myself much of a poet. Realistically at least.
I was always the music kid. Voted Next American Idol in high school. 2nd Place for Most Musical in High School. That's how I'll be remembered. And yet, I wasn't the one listed as the "Next novelist" or "Most likely to win a Pulitzer." It's strange to find something "new" that I can attribute with myself that isn't what I thought it would be at all.
But, what in life is actually something that I've planned out. I plan on getting married, I plan on writing, I plan on being successful. I want a family. I want my dreams--I want them all within reach. I plan on writing for me. Not for the Creative Writing program here, which I've opted to shy away from. I don't want to write for them, I want to write for me. I want to read good literature and have thoughts about that and incorporate it in my own work like those before me. I want to have the time for me. The time I cherish to do my work. I want the time to sit here and whittle away at my computer to collect my thoughts and tell my stories.
I want creativity.
Friday, December 09, 2005
Remains of the Day
Quotes from the newest English excursion that got me thinking:
"Whenever I believed I had come up with something, I probed it for every sort of oversight, tested it through from all angles." (on my crazed mind...or not so crazed really.)
"Maybe you could keep her off our hands, Stevens. Maybe you could teake her out to one of those stables around Mr. Morgan's farm. Keep her entertained in all that hay. She may be just your type." (on a fabulous sexual pun by Mr. Farraday.) ;-)
"We were all essentially cut from the same cloth, so to speak." (on philosophy of life.)
"I knew I had gone beyond all previous boundaries." (on the unexpected...)
"...unease mixed with exhilaration" (a perfect description of the unknown, but excitement in getting there.)
"It was only the feeling of a moment, but it caused me to slow down. And even when I had assured myself I was on the right road, I felt compelled to stop the car a moment to take stock, as it were." (on the here and now...)
"To see the best before I have properly begun would be somewhat premature." (FABULOUS words from Stevens. -on development of...well, whatever I'd like to interpret just those lines as :-) I can't have the ending before I've properly gone through all of the right steps in order to do so. Oh Stevens, I just might learn a little bit of life from your British ways of thinking...)
"Whenever I believed I had come up with something, I probed it for every sort of oversight, tested it through from all angles." (on my crazed mind...or not so crazed really.)
"Maybe you could keep her off our hands, Stevens. Maybe you could teake her out to one of those stables around Mr. Morgan's farm. Keep her entertained in all that hay. She may be just your type." (on a fabulous sexual pun by Mr. Farraday.) ;-)
"We were all essentially cut from the same cloth, so to speak." (on philosophy of life.)
"I knew I had gone beyond all previous boundaries." (on the unexpected...)
"...unease mixed with exhilaration" (a perfect description of the unknown, but excitement in getting there.)
"It was only the feeling of a moment, but it caused me to slow down. And even when I had assured myself I was on the right road, I felt compelled to stop the car a moment to take stock, as it were." (on the here and now...)
"To see the best before I have properly begun would be somewhat premature." (FABULOUS words from Stevens. -on development of...well, whatever I'd like to interpret just those lines as :-) I can't have the ending before I've properly gone through all of the right steps in order to do so. Oh Stevens, I just might learn a little bit of life from your British ways of thinking...)
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
[INSERT MAIN THOUGHTS HERE] p.s. I have none...
Where are we? Spin me round again...
Ugh...again. Anything to be at that point where I was.
It's one of those nights where I could stare into space for hours and what would happen? Absolutely nothing. And the drop of a pin could make me break into a million pieces. I'm not sure I can explain all of the emotions floating around, swimming between thoughts in my head right now. I'm just at an utter loss for explaination. That never seems to happen. I have a theory for everything. Yet, there are certain things that I can't ever grasp into my head...nothing's constant, everything is always changing. The constant--everything can change in just one of those little instances. One moment I'm looking at you and thinking, "God, how can I possibly not feel this way?" and the next I'm pulling myself away. All I want is that closeness...yet, it seems so out of reach. It's right there, but I can't touch it. Yet, I don't feel that way at all. I'm having all of these mixed thoughts and they are just swimming around, keeping me from sleeping. I'm so fucking tired. I was up too early and stayed up too late. I'm still thinking and I know a cold splash of reality won't help anything. As much as I love having everything planned out, this is the one thing that I can't plan. I can't set a date for it in my planner or make my usual "list of things to do" because that doesn't quite fit on it. Long term goals stay the same. Write. I can't stop listening to this song. The lyrics...I don't even care about the lyrics. There are only sounds. The sounds that get into my skin and you can feel the emotion that the artist is feeling. I can feel myself lifting my hands at the breaths in the music, like a lift of a bow or the lift of a pianist's hands for stylistic feeling. Funny, this never happens on my laptop...
Dream, just keep on dreaming...
Your book will pull the reader in. Make the audience understand what it's like to overcome this....
Maybe I should work on coming to terms with it first? It's looking me straight in the eye and I can't look at it back. Tears. Oh, here come the tears. I can't imagine life any other way. These pictures in my head aren't good. They go against all of my theories of being alone for the rest of my life.... I want my fantasy.
This is what after midnight will do to you when you've been up circling around things in your head for too long. This whole thing I'm sure will sound so disconnected. God, I need a drink to help me fall asleep....where's my flask?!
Ugh...again. Anything to be at that point where I was.
It's one of those nights where I could stare into space for hours and what would happen? Absolutely nothing. And the drop of a pin could make me break into a million pieces. I'm not sure I can explain all of the emotions floating around, swimming between thoughts in my head right now. I'm just at an utter loss for explaination. That never seems to happen. I have a theory for everything. Yet, there are certain things that I can't ever grasp into my head...nothing's constant, everything is always changing. The constant--everything can change in just one of those little instances. One moment I'm looking at you and thinking, "God, how can I possibly not feel this way?" and the next I'm pulling myself away. All I want is that closeness...yet, it seems so out of reach. It's right there, but I can't touch it. Yet, I don't feel that way at all. I'm having all of these mixed thoughts and they are just swimming around, keeping me from sleeping. I'm so fucking tired. I was up too early and stayed up too late. I'm still thinking and I know a cold splash of reality won't help anything. As much as I love having everything planned out, this is the one thing that I can't plan. I can't set a date for it in my planner or make my usual "list of things to do" because that doesn't quite fit on it. Long term goals stay the same. Write. I can't stop listening to this song. The lyrics...I don't even care about the lyrics. There are only sounds. The sounds that get into my skin and you can feel the emotion that the artist is feeling. I can feel myself lifting my hands at the breaths in the music, like a lift of a bow or the lift of a pianist's hands for stylistic feeling. Funny, this never happens on my laptop...
Dream, just keep on dreaming...
Your book will pull the reader in. Make the audience understand what it's like to overcome this....
Maybe I should work on coming to terms with it first? It's looking me straight in the eye and I can't look at it back. Tears. Oh, here come the tears. I can't imagine life any other way. These pictures in my head aren't good. They go against all of my theories of being alone for the rest of my life.... I want my fantasy.
This is what after midnight will do to you when you've been up circling around things in your head for too long. This whole thing I'm sure will sound so disconnected. God, I need a drink to help me fall asleep....where's my flask?!
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
If
If I could give up my analyzational skills for just a day, today would be it. STOP THINKING. You're ridiculous, KitKat. Stop thinking about everything.
If it wasn't for how good all of this was, I wouldn't be so scared of losing it...or keeping it. I'm so beside myself right now.
If it wasn't for how good all of this was, I wouldn't be so scared of losing it...or keeping it. I'm so beside myself right now.
Saturday, December 03, 2005
One
Oh I'm head over heals. It's speechless. That feeling. Those tingles. That cleansing air that surrounds the two entities at that very moment when everything connects and it's no longer two, but one complete body. One. Simple, but so circuitous. I want to hold every moment in my hands, see it before me, watch the storyline unfold. Breathe it all in. Feel the redolence. Taste it all, on the tip of my tongue. I can just taste that feeling in the synesthesia of that junction in time. That juxtaposition. I can just fel myself moaning. I can feel the different moments coming together deep within my mind. All the thoughts suddenly slip away and there's nothing. Nothing but the simplicity. That gorgeous moment that you just want to cover yourself with. Pour that whole moment over my head so that it's just dripping. Dripping from me. I'm swimming in those moments. Each and every one of them, oh I live for those little moments.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Adam,
Yes, it's that time when I get to write to you. Adam. Oh Adam. What am I even going to say about this one? I guess I'll start from the beginning. Isn't that what people do? Tell their story. I'm going to tell ours.
It was a hectic weekend. I had gone to Janesville just in the middle of the semester, November. Needed a haircut that I had gotten earlier that morning. Saturday. Janesville Public Library--Hedburg Public Library. The study place of choice in Janesville because there's absolutely nowhere else and this is pre-starbucks. They're still doing construction on the lower level. That means no coffee. Damn, I needed it. I had been sitting at the library for a few hours. Little ibook sitting out on the table all cute by the window overlooking the scenery. The rock river flowing fast and steady through the background through the window. I was in the very back of the library. I had noticed a few messages over the intercom about the children's meeting starting in the children's section, but didn't think much of it, at least, not until you mentioned it. I did however, notice you walk in. Those pj's I'd seen you wear so often and that hat. The grey hat. I'm sure that you were wearing it. It's the same hat you'd later wear to the family christmas party at my house. I was working on an English paper--English 167 to be exact. It was my first college paper. And you...I remember you sitting at the table in front of me. I remember that I had tried to look cute that morning, but now I don't remember why. The library's not the place to meet people, not in Janesville. The haircut? Maybe. We'll never know... I remember the grey wool jacket you wore that day, and the messenger bag slung over your shoulder--the one I often times remembered you wearing across the same shoulder as you'd fastily bike to class after we'd both be late waking up. The library...yes, we were in the library. The message came on again, "The children's book reading will be starting in 10 minutes in the Children's reading room" or something like that...I don't remember what it said, but I remember it bothering me. You turned around. We both had that strange look on our faces like, "Isn't this supposed to be a library?!" Yes, it was. Not a dating service. It happened again..."The children's book reading will be starting in 5 minutes..." Again, you turn around, only this time, we chat a little about it. I noticed you checking your WiscMail, but didn't mention it. Perhaps you were a TA. You looked older, but how old? I couldn't tell. You asked what I was working on. Where I went to school. About the Coletrain CD's sitting on the desk in front of me. It's all so vivid to me now. That moment of you leaning over your chair asking about me and me asking about you. That's when I found out that you were Adam. Adam Haese. Your screen name...yes, you were getting on AIM. Adamj61 Yes...that will forever be engrained in my head. (ingrained maybe? note to self: look that up...) I remember not being able to get anything done, strangely drawn to you, yet I needed to leave. I had a paper to write! I needed to get out. Why was I so worried about this guy asking for my screen name and my name and what I did? I'm not sure. But I remember telling my mother everything when I got home. Instantly I was on AIM as well. What was I thinking?! I had his screen name and he had mine, but...? You IM'ed me...or was it me who IM'd you. I'm not sure, that's all a blur now. But we talked that afternoon. And a few days later. And finally made plans since you were a music junkie just like me. You saxaphone, Me violin. I had an audition coming up. The School of Music. My dream. My future. What I'd been working all my life for. I needed to practice that day. Everyday. I remember I had a lesson on the day I met you. Was it before or after? I'm not so sure now...after I think. Regardless, we made plans for me to come over a few days before my audition with everything set up so that I could showcase my work. Showcase. Yes, I was good enough to show off for others now. Hours upon hours in a practice room. Two to Three hours every day. The pressure to keep up my skills, the hours of icing my hands afterwards. I didn't care. I knew I was ruining them, slowly ruining them, but I had to. This was what I'd worked for every day in my life. The music. It was all about the music. It always has been.
I made my best friend drive me to your house that night. You were cooking dinner when we arrived. Your apartment was sort of messy. Not unclean, just a bit out of place. The old couch that sunk and had hardly any structure as you'd lie on it. That god awful brown plaid couch from the 70's. But, we had some great times on that couch. I watched my first full episode of Seinfeld on that couch after I gave you the first season as a gift on your birthday in January of the next year. I sat with your cousin as he tried to sleep on that couch. I entertained your cousin when you were in the other room with the pictures on my computer as you were trying to do things in your room. Only now do I realize what you were probably doing in that room with the door closed. That night, the night I first went to your house. I got out my instrument. Tuned. Played my two pieces with utmost beauty and passion as if I was really playing for the audition and all the while, you watched. You commented. You gave me constructive criticism and said that I was very good. Nothing I hadn't heard before. It was crunch time though and I wondered when I was going to get home to do more practicing for the night. Jenn was wrestless. She needed a cigarette while on the phone with one of our friends, Becci. Adam and I were alone. Alone for the first time. You were sitting on the floor. I can't put my finger on it just yet, what were you wearing? Oh, I don't remember...something comfortable, some sort of lounging around pants--you were notorious for those--and a plain old t-shirt. Something worn in--something you'd had for awhile. I couldn't believe someone like this was from Janesville. Oddly cultured, and from Janesville? Hmm....I wondered the motives of this boy. Was he just lying to me? I didn't mind. It all sounded wonderful in my naieve little head. If only I had known then... I sat down on the floor with you after you beckoned me forward. I wondered why you weren't sitting on the couch or chair across your small living room. We sat together, just talking. Then you leaned in. I wasn't sure what you were doing at first, but you leaned in and kissed me. You kissed me. That felt electric, but why? I knew I'd thought you were cute the moment I walked into your apartment before, and all of the talk of music? It's awful to get an idea like that into my head. You knew the theory I had learned in High School. I could talk to you about chord structure, the dominant fifth, progressions, scales, modes, you named it. Anything in beginning theory I was game to talk about. That was all really hot to me at the time. We heard Jenn come in....she wanted to leave. Adam offered to let me stay there and practice for awhile while his friend came over to help with the meal he was cooking for his class. Botony 240-Plants and Man. What was his name again? That friend of yours....It'll come. Everything comes with time.
I need to get to sleep. It's almost 1. Make this a work in progress...
It was a hectic weekend. I had gone to Janesville just in the middle of the semester, November. Needed a haircut that I had gotten earlier that morning. Saturday. Janesville Public Library--Hedburg Public Library. The study place of choice in Janesville because there's absolutely nowhere else and this is pre-starbucks. They're still doing construction on the lower level. That means no coffee. Damn, I needed it. I had been sitting at the library for a few hours. Little ibook sitting out on the table all cute by the window overlooking the scenery. The rock river flowing fast and steady through the background through the window. I was in the very back of the library. I had noticed a few messages over the intercom about the children's meeting starting in the children's section, but didn't think much of it, at least, not until you mentioned it. I did however, notice you walk in. Those pj's I'd seen you wear so often and that hat. The grey hat. I'm sure that you were wearing it. It's the same hat you'd later wear to the family christmas party at my house. I was working on an English paper--English 167 to be exact. It was my first college paper. And you...I remember you sitting at the table in front of me. I remember that I had tried to look cute that morning, but now I don't remember why. The library's not the place to meet people, not in Janesville. The haircut? Maybe. We'll never know... I remember the grey wool jacket you wore that day, and the messenger bag slung over your shoulder--the one I often times remembered you wearing across the same shoulder as you'd fastily bike to class after we'd both be late waking up. The library...yes, we were in the library. The message came on again, "The children's book reading will be starting in 10 minutes in the Children's reading room" or something like that...I don't remember what it said, but I remember it bothering me. You turned around. We both had that strange look on our faces like, "Isn't this supposed to be a library?!" Yes, it was. Not a dating service. It happened again..."The children's book reading will be starting in 5 minutes..." Again, you turn around, only this time, we chat a little about it. I noticed you checking your WiscMail, but didn't mention it. Perhaps you were a TA. You looked older, but how old? I couldn't tell. You asked what I was working on. Where I went to school. About the Coletrain CD's sitting on the desk in front of me. It's all so vivid to me now. That moment of you leaning over your chair asking about me and me asking about you. That's when I found out that you were Adam. Adam Haese. Your screen name...yes, you were getting on AIM. Adamj61 Yes...that will forever be engrained in my head. (ingrained maybe? note to self: look that up...) I remember not being able to get anything done, strangely drawn to you, yet I needed to leave. I had a paper to write! I needed to get out. Why was I so worried about this guy asking for my screen name and my name and what I did? I'm not sure. But I remember telling my mother everything when I got home. Instantly I was on AIM as well. What was I thinking?! I had his screen name and he had mine, but...? You IM'ed me...or was it me who IM'd you. I'm not sure, that's all a blur now. But we talked that afternoon. And a few days later. And finally made plans since you were a music junkie just like me. You saxaphone, Me violin. I had an audition coming up. The School of Music. My dream. My future. What I'd been working all my life for. I needed to practice that day. Everyday. I remember I had a lesson on the day I met you. Was it before or after? I'm not so sure now...after I think. Regardless, we made plans for me to come over a few days before my audition with everything set up so that I could showcase my work. Showcase. Yes, I was good enough to show off for others now. Hours upon hours in a practice room. Two to Three hours every day. The pressure to keep up my skills, the hours of icing my hands afterwards. I didn't care. I knew I was ruining them, slowly ruining them, but I had to. This was what I'd worked for every day in my life. The music. It was all about the music. It always has been.
I made my best friend drive me to your house that night. You were cooking dinner when we arrived. Your apartment was sort of messy. Not unclean, just a bit out of place. The old couch that sunk and had hardly any structure as you'd lie on it. That god awful brown plaid couch from the 70's. But, we had some great times on that couch. I watched my first full episode of Seinfeld on that couch after I gave you the first season as a gift on your birthday in January of the next year. I sat with your cousin as he tried to sleep on that couch. I entertained your cousin when you were in the other room with the pictures on my computer as you were trying to do things in your room. Only now do I realize what you were probably doing in that room with the door closed. That night, the night I first went to your house. I got out my instrument. Tuned. Played my two pieces with utmost beauty and passion as if I was really playing for the audition and all the while, you watched. You commented. You gave me constructive criticism and said that I was very good. Nothing I hadn't heard before. It was crunch time though and I wondered when I was going to get home to do more practicing for the night. Jenn was wrestless. She needed a cigarette while on the phone with one of our friends, Becci. Adam and I were alone. Alone for the first time. You were sitting on the floor. I can't put my finger on it just yet, what were you wearing? Oh, I don't remember...something comfortable, some sort of lounging around pants--you were notorious for those--and a plain old t-shirt. Something worn in--something you'd had for awhile. I couldn't believe someone like this was from Janesville. Oddly cultured, and from Janesville? Hmm....I wondered the motives of this boy. Was he just lying to me? I didn't mind. It all sounded wonderful in my naieve little head. If only I had known then... I sat down on the floor with you after you beckoned me forward. I wondered why you weren't sitting on the couch or chair across your small living room. We sat together, just talking. Then you leaned in. I wasn't sure what you were doing at first, but you leaned in and kissed me. You kissed me. That felt electric, but why? I knew I'd thought you were cute the moment I walked into your apartment before, and all of the talk of music? It's awful to get an idea like that into my head. You knew the theory I had learned in High School. I could talk to you about chord structure, the dominant fifth, progressions, scales, modes, you named it. Anything in beginning theory I was game to talk about. That was all really hot to me at the time. We heard Jenn come in....she wanted to leave. Adam offered to let me stay there and practice for awhile while his friend came over to help with the meal he was cooking for his class. Botony 240-Plants and Man. What was his name again? That friend of yours....It'll come. Everything comes with time.
I need to get to sleep. It's almost 1. Make this a work in progress...
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
12...am?
2 hours. That's enough time to watch a movie (or most of one), make a well put thought out dinner, read 70 pages (ok, so who really counts how many pages they read in an hour...not I), I could get all spiffed up in that amount of time twice. And what was I doing tonight? talking on the phone. That means I finished 0 philosophy exam questions in that time limit, worked on none of my political science paper, and didn't brainstorm my thoughts for african american studies discussion tomorrow morning--which i'm going to be worthless for anyway since I left the book in fuckin janesville. Yes, fuckin Janesville. Apparantly it's those damn people from Janesville that can't punctuate sentences correctly when they don't have spell check or Microsoft Word to do it for them. Yup, that's me. The shitty writer who sits around at the table writing blogs instead of papers at night. And do I see anything wrong with this? No...not until tomorrow when I'm stressed out again. BUT, I have more time tomorrow to think about the things I need to do. Like those crappy papers. (UGH...!)
The whole thing that's really blissful about this? I enjoyed every waking minute of it. From the gaffaw description right down to the "Will you go with me...?" conversations. I'm dying. Literally dying inside with excitement. Is insightment a word? Because I'm feeling a good amount of insight right now. I've been dying to just sit down and write for a few days now...and well, the last time I did, the previous blog was all I'd give myself time for. I've realized that the last things have been ridiculously vague and that's because I don't want to piss anyone off by my blog. I've done that a lot lately...but seriously, don't read my shit if you're going to take it the wrong way. And secondly, I'm the only one who can call my blog "shit" and still mean it to be endearing. Yes, Blog, I love you. I love you dearly. Why? Because you're the thing that keeps me going day to day. Writing. What would I do without you. I type faster than most of my friends and all too many people comment on how fast I can get my thoughts out on here. If I write them down quick enough, I might just remember them all? But, If I wrote down how many times I was thinking about 5 right now...well, that just wouldn't be good enough. It wouldn't be enough.
And what's interrupting me right now? There's a spider. crawling up the wall. and I'm too lazy to kill the thing. But most of all, I don't want to kill it. it's not doing anything to hurt me, it's just standing there. In fact, it might just be watching me. Slowly inching his way closer to the radiator that sits on the other side of me across from the glass table. It's going closer to the ceiling now. Taking a stroll, if you will. He stops. He stares. What is he thinking about? How do I even know he's thinking? Damn those philosophers for getting into my head. Of course the animal is thinking. He must have a brain of some sort, I'm not sure what sort, however. He's so light in color. I've never quite seen one in such a cream color--this spider. He's....getting into my head. ick...enough about that.
This is quite possibly one of the longest blogs I've written in awhile. Why? Because I have a ton of energy. I'm not tired. I'm not thinking too hard about something because everything has just sort of seemed to float out of my consciousness. Anything that mattered. Any of those things that just kept eating away at me: They're gone. I feel very sedated, yet wonderfully sedated. I'm comfortable, comfortable just sitting here. Comfortable just being in my thoughts and knowing that I'm not thinking too much right now. Did you hear that?! I'm NOT thinking too much. Good lord (uh, wait, who?) I'm not thinking too much. There's always something blissful about that. Bliss? hmm...there has to be something better for that...ecstacy? Maybe not yet. Orgasm is ecstacy. Serenity. Bliss. Yes, yes. Serenity. I'm in love with serenity. I breathe serenity. Those morning walks when I'm thinking and figuring out what I'm doing with my life and what's going on in my head? Bliss. The fact that I know what I'm doing and that I'm happy with it?...well that's serenity. (No it's not priceless damn it, do I look like I'm writing a commercial here? sheesh...)
Ugh...school, work, work tomorrow. Nothing's going to be more hell than that. Oh wait. Yes it is. I have to do homework (i.e. what I would also consider another form of work...) when I get home from working at the Lowell Center AND from working at the Gap. At least it's only a few hours at each job. Hell, it's stupid for me to even GO to the Lowell Center tomorrow, but those full-timers gotta have their lunches covered. Ugh...take turns like the rest of the world :-)
Oh well. I only work from 1215 until 6 over the whole span. wait...that's still quite a bit. Oh well...gotta work. Need the money...ugh. No, I don't! I did this to myself. What was I thinking? Added responsibility maybe? Excuses? Who knows. I'm sure I'll be thinking about it (and regretting it all) later. No...no I won't. I love being busy. I love everything about being busy. Fast paced environment. Walking fast. The challenge. The challenge? Oh, where did that come from....who knows, I'm in the writing mood...What am I going to be doing all night? Inspiration baby. And I certainly have it....now.
The whole thing that's really blissful about this? I enjoyed every waking minute of it. From the gaffaw description right down to the "Will you go with me...?" conversations. I'm dying. Literally dying inside with excitement. Is insightment a word? Because I'm feeling a good amount of insight right now. I've been dying to just sit down and write for a few days now...and well, the last time I did, the previous blog was all I'd give myself time for. I've realized that the last things have been ridiculously vague and that's because I don't want to piss anyone off by my blog. I've done that a lot lately...but seriously, don't read my shit if you're going to take it the wrong way. And secondly, I'm the only one who can call my blog "shit" and still mean it to be endearing. Yes, Blog, I love you. I love you dearly. Why? Because you're the thing that keeps me going day to day. Writing. What would I do without you. I type faster than most of my friends and all too many people comment on how fast I can get my thoughts out on here. If I write them down quick enough, I might just remember them all? But, If I wrote down how many times I was thinking about 5 right now...well, that just wouldn't be good enough. It wouldn't be enough.
And what's interrupting me right now? There's a spider. crawling up the wall. and I'm too lazy to kill the thing. But most of all, I don't want to kill it. it's not doing anything to hurt me, it's just standing there. In fact, it might just be watching me. Slowly inching his way closer to the radiator that sits on the other side of me across from the glass table. It's going closer to the ceiling now. Taking a stroll, if you will. He stops. He stares. What is he thinking about? How do I even know he's thinking? Damn those philosophers for getting into my head. Of course the animal is thinking. He must have a brain of some sort, I'm not sure what sort, however. He's so light in color. I've never quite seen one in such a cream color--this spider. He's....getting into my head. ick...enough about that.
This is quite possibly one of the longest blogs I've written in awhile. Why? Because I have a ton of energy. I'm not tired. I'm not thinking too hard about something because everything has just sort of seemed to float out of my consciousness. Anything that mattered. Any of those things that just kept eating away at me: They're gone. I feel very sedated, yet wonderfully sedated. I'm comfortable, comfortable just sitting here. Comfortable just being in my thoughts and knowing that I'm not thinking too much right now. Did you hear that?! I'm NOT thinking too much. Good lord (uh, wait, who?) I'm not thinking too much. There's always something blissful about that. Bliss? hmm...there has to be something better for that...ecstacy? Maybe not yet. Orgasm is ecstacy. Serenity. Bliss. Yes, yes. Serenity. I'm in love with serenity. I breathe serenity. Those morning walks when I'm thinking and figuring out what I'm doing with my life and what's going on in my head? Bliss. The fact that I know what I'm doing and that I'm happy with it?...well that's serenity. (No it's not priceless damn it, do I look like I'm writing a commercial here? sheesh...)
Ugh...school, work, work tomorrow. Nothing's going to be more hell than that. Oh wait. Yes it is. I have to do homework (i.e. what I would also consider another form of work...) when I get home from working at the Lowell Center AND from working at the Gap. At least it's only a few hours at each job. Hell, it's stupid for me to even GO to the Lowell Center tomorrow, but those full-timers gotta have their lunches covered. Ugh...take turns like the rest of the world :-)
Oh well. I only work from 1215 until 6 over the whole span. wait...that's still quite a bit. Oh well...gotta work. Need the money...ugh. No, I don't! I did this to myself. What was I thinking? Added responsibility maybe? Excuses? Who knows. I'm sure I'll be thinking about it (and regretting it all) later. No...no I won't. I love being busy. I love everything about being busy. Fast paced environment. Walking fast. The challenge. The challenge? Oh, where did that come from....who knows, I'm in the writing mood...What am I going to be doing all night? Inspiration baby. And I certainly have it....now.
Saturday, November 26, 2005
Over my Head
Oh, I'm so over my head. This feeling. This life. Today is such an alive feeling. I got almost no sleep...went to bed too late and got up too early. But, my head is completely full of clarity. In fact, I feel like I'm breathing in an entirely new set of air. just blissful, soft state of mind. 3am is better for my head to get things out and write it on paper...and this morning, well I wasn't quite in the writing mood persay when I got out of bed. I was only slightly preoccupied with other thoughts. And I've been having an absolutely fabulous day ever since. I feel speechless. I feel like I'm not expressing myself well...this is never a problem for my writing. seriously. writer's block? no. I have all of these ideas in my head, but they're not coming down well. I feel alive. I feel new. I feel rejuvinated. suday's going to be fun. :-)
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
The Fray
This song is gorgeous and yet...it's perfect for how I feel right now. I'm completely over my head...I'm busy, I'm attempting to be more busy, I keep adding more things into my schedule thinking it will help. Anything, just anything to get my mind off of the past few week's adventures. (One of these days, I swear I'll get to writing a letter to Adam...and post it for the world to see. scary.)
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a cue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears
And everyone knows I'm in over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in over time
She's on your mind she's on your mind
Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
I never knew that everything was falling through
That everyone I knew was waiting on a cue
To turn and run when all I needed was the truth
But that's how it's got to be
It's coming down to nothing more than apathy
I'd rather run the other way than stay and see
The smoke and who's still standing when it clears
And everyone knows I'm in over my head
Over my head
With eight seconds left in over time
She's on your mind she's on your mind
Let's rearrange
I wish you were a stranger I could disengage
Just say that we agree and then never change
Soften a bit until we all just get along
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Misunderstand
I love how EVERYONE thinks that my last entry was about how crappy I feel, when really I feel quite liberated. I'm putting that out of my life and moving on...or at least trying to. Stop feeling sorry for me, Stop trying to give me sympathy. I'm seriously not in the mood for anything of that sort and I have more of a backbone that most people would like to admit to.
Most people see leaving behind the past and moving on as a good thing...
Most people see leaving behind the past and moving on as a good thing...
Monday, November 14, 2005
Morning Walks
I love my morning contemplation on the way to class. It's seriously good, perhaps i should put a recorder in my brain to remember just what it was? Some mornings I remember a lot of it, like this morning's realization, and other times I know it was "fuckin good" and seem to forget. Damn.
At any rate, this morning's clarity discussion with self resulted in my own personal epiphany. I'm not going to sit around waiting for you, or thinking that you'll change your mind, or thinking you'll come around again. Why? Because, DAMNIT i'm better than that. If you're not going to pay attention to the wonderful woman you had easily within your reach, then it's your own damn fault you let it slip. We, yes WE (not to be confused with YOU as to not be selfish) were perfect. No problems, never a fight, fabulous times together. I loved how you'd beg me not to leave and I'd be hours late getting home as you'd pull me back into bed to lay with you for just 10 minutes more, which ended up being hours more because i just never wanted to leave you either. And yet, the whole thing came crashing down when your irrationality decided that hey, we're going to the SAME college, that can't work. We'd gone to separate schools for how long while I was in high school and you were in college, and yet now that we're going to the SAME school, things just can't work. You'd get upset or down when I would talk about leaving for college and the possibilities of me going to U of MN or Luther College, but when I told you I applied and got accepted to Uof Wisc-Madison, you didn't seem that excited about it. Now, it almost seems as if you had planned our departure upon my leaving for college anyway, without ever telling me that it was only secondary to you. Perhaps I'm heartbroken still and yeah, I still think you're gorgeous and one of the most influential people I've ever met in my life, but I'm also sick of thinking that things could still work.
I'm broken, a but misunderstood, and perhaps full of wishful thinking...but then again, you're probably the only REAL love I've ever felt.
At any rate, this morning's clarity discussion with self resulted in my own personal epiphany. I'm not going to sit around waiting for you, or thinking that you'll change your mind, or thinking you'll come around again. Why? Because, DAMNIT i'm better than that. If you're not going to pay attention to the wonderful woman you had easily within your reach, then it's your own damn fault you let it slip. We, yes WE (not to be confused with YOU as to not be selfish) were perfect. No problems, never a fight, fabulous times together. I loved how you'd beg me not to leave and I'd be hours late getting home as you'd pull me back into bed to lay with you for just 10 minutes more, which ended up being hours more because i just never wanted to leave you either. And yet, the whole thing came crashing down when your irrationality decided that hey, we're going to the SAME college, that can't work. We'd gone to separate schools for how long while I was in high school and you were in college, and yet now that we're going to the SAME school, things just can't work. You'd get upset or down when I would talk about leaving for college and the possibilities of me going to U of MN or Luther College, but when I told you I applied and got accepted to Uof Wisc-Madison, you didn't seem that excited about it. Now, it almost seems as if you had planned our departure upon my leaving for college anyway, without ever telling me that it was only secondary to you. Perhaps I'm heartbroken still and yeah, I still think you're gorgeous and one of the most influential people I've ever met in my life, but I'm also sick of thinking that things could still work.
I'm broken, a but misunderstood, and perhaps full of wishful thinking...but then again, you're probably the only REAL love I've ever felt.
Monday, November 07, 2005
More to Come Soon
The thoughts are entering my mind and I can think of nothing else
I'm stuck, sedated in a mind of thoughts that never go away.
I'm stuck, sedated in a mind of thoughts that never go away.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Between Thoughts or Between something else?
What the fuck?!
I've got some time before my next class and what the fuck am I doing? Hanging out at college library. Computer lab-Second floor-Mac #42. And all I can think of are things that happened past that I've just been giving too much time these days. Perhaps everyone is right. STOP THINKING. But the sorrow is leaking into my head and I'm constantly reminded of these issues.
I've found some patterns in the things I've been watching or listening to, reading or noticing lately. I think the world, or perhaps just my miserable existence, is completely flawed in the ways of love. It sets my mind into a frenzy when I sit down and think about all of the things that I'll never experience or feel so lost from having provided for me. I shouldn't say that things are terrible and that things in relationships are *always* going to be bad, but for now, I feel like love and relationships are just hte opportunity to settle. And what would I be settling for really? Just something that is going to take up more time in my already busy and over packed schedule. Perhaps I should revert back to my old theory about love being only an illusion to cover up something else, but perhaps that isn't so wrong. I've felt love in my lifetime and yet it seems really easy to slip away from that. I've loved my sister for much longer than I've loved much else, and yet, right now I'm so angry with her that I'd love to just tell her to go and fly a kite. Is love always supposed to fade? I distinctly think so. Sure, love evolves into a comfortable sort of love instead of that ridiculous kind, but what if it never falls out of that ridiculous kind? Is it still flawed? Were my past relationships really that flawwed that they should have been termintated? Not that I'm worrying about most of them, but there are a few that keep my mind in a knot. and my stomache too...
Are we all just flawed in life to become whatever we settle for?
I've got some time before my next class and what the fuck am I doing? Hanging out at college library. Computer lab-Second floor-Mac #42. And all I can think of are things that happened past that I've just been giving too much time these days. Perhaps everyone is right. STOP THINKING. But the sorrow is leaking into my head and I'm constantly reminded of these issues.
I've found some patterns in the things I've been watching or listening to, reading or noticing lately. I think the world, or perhaps just my miserable existence, is completely flawed in the ways of love. It sets my mind into a frenzy when I sit down and think about all of the things that I'll never experience or feel so lost from having provided for me. I shouldn't say that things are terrible and that things in relationships are *always* going to be bad, but for now, I feel like love and relationships are just hte opportunity to settle. And what would I be settling for really? Just something that is going to take up more time in my already busy and over packed schedule. Perhaps I should revert back to my old theory about love being only an illusion to cover up something else, but perhaps that isn't so wrong. I've felt love in my lifetime and yet it seems really easy to slip away from that. I've loved my sister for much longer than I've loved much else, and yet, right now I'm so angry with her that I'd love to just tell her to go and fly a kite. Is love always supposed to fade? I distinctly think so. Sure, love evolves into a comfortable sort of love instead of that ridiculous kind, but what if it never falls out of that ridiculous kind? Is it still flawed? Were my past relationships really that flawwed that they should have been termintated? Not that I'm worrying about most of them, but there are a few that keep my mind in a knot. and my stomache too...
Are we all just flawed in life to become whatever we settle for?
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Are you ever coming home??
"THE GHOST OF YOU"
I never said I'd lie and wait forever
If I died, we'd be together
I can't always just forget her
But she could try
At the end of the world
Or the last thing I see
You are
Never coming home
Never coming home
Could I? Should I?
And all the things that you never ever told me
And all the smiles that are ever ever...
Ever...
Get the feeling that you're never
All alone and I remember now
At the top of my lungs in my arms she dies
She dies
At the end of the world
Or the last thing I see
You are
Never coming home
Never coming home
I never said I'd lie and wait forever
If I died, we'd be together
I can't always just forget her
But she could try
At the end of the world
Or the last thing I see
You are
Never coming home
Never coming home
Could I? Should I?
And all the things that you never ever told me
And all the smiles that are ever ever...
Ever...
Get the feeling that you're never
All alone and I remember now
At the top of my lungs in my arms she dies
She dies
At the end of the world
Or the last thing I see
You are
Never coming home
Never coming home
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Silent Song
Ok, So perhaps I'm not the easiest of people to get along with--i have strong opinions, strong wills, don't give in easily, and love to argue for something I believe in. This, however does not make me a bad person. I have a sensitive side. I can be a girly-girl when I want to and right now, perhaps I'm leaning more towards that part of me that is always thinking about things and trying to keep everything at a state of equilibrium. (Why, oh WHY does that NEVER seem to be the case?!)
Listening to the Adult Alternative music channel last night on tv, I heard the song, "Again" by Lenny Kravitz, a song I haven't heard in years, despite the fact that one of the guys I recently dated was OBSESSED with Kravitz. I've never gotten all that excited about any of his work until I realized how much things song just really speaks to me right now. The lyrics make me think about things past and how unsettled I feel most of the time about it. There are things I wish I could change, things I wish I could let go, and most of all things that I wish I could fix. That little broken part inside of me that never seems to go as planned. That little "What if" bug that eats away at my brain. "All of my life/where have you been?/I wonder if I'll ever see you again/and if that day comes/I know we could win/I wonder if I'll ever see you again?" Why does this all have to be so complicated?? It really could turn out to be very simple...but you just won't let it.
Sometimes I wonder if you read this and think, God, I hope she's not talking about me. And yet, I know at the same time, that it won't matter, because you don't read this. I'm not sure I could imagine how things would be if you did read this, because most of the time I'm pouring out everything in the most vague of details when all I really want to do is just say it like it is.
Yet...that never seems to be the case otherwise. You're the muse that keeps me here, the one that keeps me from being ridiculously unhealthy, keeps me breathing from day to day just hoping, hoping...that someday eveything will go back to the way it was. You keep me in the status of an unplayed piano. Bring me home?
Listening to the Adult Alternative music channel last night on tv, I heard the song, "Again" by Lenny Kravitz, a song I haven't heard in years, despite the fact that one of the guys I recently dated was OBSESSED with Kravitz. I've never gotten all that excited about any of his work until I realized how much things song just really speaks to me right now. The lyrics make me think about things past and how unsettled I feel most of the time about it. There are things I wish I could change, things I wish I could let go, and most of all things that I wish I could fix. That little broken part inside of me that never seems to go as planned. That little "What if" bug that eats away at my brain. "All of my life/where have you been?/I wonder if I'll ever see you again/and if that day comes/I know we could win/I wonder if I'll ever see you again?" Why does this all have to be so complicated?? It really could turn out to be very simple...but you just won't let it.
Sometimes I wonder if you read this and think, God, I hope she's not talking about me. And yet, I know at the same time, that it won't matter, because you don't read this. I'm not sure I could imagine how things would be if you did read this, because most of the time I'm pouring out everything in the most vague of details when all I really want to do is just say it like it is.
Yet...that never seems to be the case otherwise. You're the muse that keeps me here, the one that keeps me from being ridiculously unhealthy, keeps me breathing from day to day just hoping, hoping...that someday eveything will go back to the way it was. You keep me in the status of an unplayed piano. Bring me home?
Sunday, September 04, 2005
Newest Obsession:
Hummingbird-John Mayer/
Once upon most every moon
I woke up to find her flying in
Hummingbird was making blues and fluid wings of purple in the air
All my life, I was trying to keep her there
Now I'm man enough to leave
Man enough to always care
Hummingbird
Hummingbird
That’s all I heard
That's my hummingbird
Just because I said I didn't want it
Doesn't mean I want her to go
In fact I quite depended on it
But then I didn’t think that she knows
Now she’s gone and I, oh I, was thinking I could keep her there
Now I'm man enough to leave
Man enough to always care
Hummingbird
Hummingbird
That's all I heard
That's my hummingbird
Hummingbird
Hummingbird
Once upon most every moon
I woke up to find her flying in
Hummingbird was making blues and fluid wings of purple in the air
All my life, I was trying to keep her there
Now I'm man enough to leave
Man enough to always care
Hummingbird
Hummingbird
That’s all I heard
That's my hummingbird
Just because I said I didn't want it
Doesn't mean I want her to go
In fact I quite depended on it
But then I didn’t think that she knows
Now she’s gone and I, oh I, was thinking I could keep her there
Now I'm man enough to leave
Man enough to always care
Hummingbird
Hummingbird
That's all I heard
That's my hummingbird
Hummingbird
Hummingbird
Wednesday, August 31, 2005
No, I don't know what it is
Song of the Moment: John Mayer-Something's Missing
I'm in one of those moods that I can't really describe. Nothing seems to be making sense in my head. Just a bunch of thoughts jumbled around but none of them are connected.
something will always be missing if you're looking for it maybe
always looking for something for the sensation of fine nothing.
something is missing and i don't know and i don't know.....
cause something's different. and i don't know what it is.
but i don't know how to fix it....
I'm in one of those moods that I can't really describe. Nothing seems to be making sense in my head. Just a bunch of thoughts jumbled around but none of them are connected.
something will always be missing if you're looking for it maybe
always looking for something for the sensation of fine nothing.
something is missing and i don't know and i don't know.....
cause something's different. and i don't know what it is.
but i don't know how to fix it....
Friday, August 26, 2005
The U.S. Can't Possibly be Ready...
Alright, it's been one hell of a busy summer, but I'm back in Madison and perhaps there's just something about this city that gets me thinking. After spending the afternoon hearing about the misfortunes of relationships and watching the movie "The Prince and Me" (featuring Julia Stiles for all you non-moviebuffs), I found myself pondering at the ending. Julia's character, Paige, has all of these aspirations and goals so in the end throws away her entire relationship with Edward, the gorgeous Prince of Denmark, in order to finish out her dream of going to medical school. Upon her college graduation, Edward is so deeply in love with her, he offers to wait until she is done with medical school, has fulfilled enough of what she wants to...that he will wait until whatever in order to be with her and have her as his Queen. She replies with something to the affects of 'Denmark isn't ready for a Queen like me.'
That's what got me wondering. Hypothetically speaking lets say that the second time's a charm. If things work out as planned for both, I'd be the first lady. (insert shocked expression on my face here). What would our country want with ME as a first lady? I don't have a clue about such matters! Could you imagine me being all wound up in political policy? Liberal woman with Conservative man...?? I can't even imagine...
That's what got me wondering. Hypothetically speaking lets say that the second time's a charm. If things work out as planned for both, I'd be the first lady. (insert shocked expression on my face here). What would our country want with ME as a first lady? I don't have a clue about such matters! Could you imagine me being all wound up in political policy? Liberal woman with Conservative man...?? I can't even imagine...
Sunday, June 19, 2005
Ok, I know...
Alright...so I realize it's been fucking forever since i've written ANYTHING in my blog...and really...that's just because my life is that boring right now. I'm working like all the time and when I'm not doing that, I'm doing homework for class or hanging out with Elizabeth. Kid you not...that's pretty much all I do.
I'm seeing a guy named Tristan...more about that/him later...
Other than that, I had a good birthday...not too eventful and nothing too exciting.
I'll write soon enough to let you know my newest gripes or insights.
Questions? Hit up the email if you're fortunate enough to know the address. :-)
I'm seeing a guy named Tristan...more about that/him later...
Other than that, I had a good birthday...not too eventful and nothing too exciting.
I'll write soon enough to let you know my newest gripes or insights.
Questions? Hit up the email if you're fortunate enough to know the address. :-)
Monday, May 16, 2005
The Blower's Daughter
And so it is, just like you said it would be...
So the movie starts, and beautifully ends. I think it's quite possible that the writer of this story instantaneously knew the story of my life as well. Right now, I'm sitting here, stunned, in awe of this movie. The random people we meet who hurt us so badly and ultimately end up to mean nothing. Kinda funny how that all worked out for me. Jude Law's character, Dan, meets the character played by Natalie Portman, somewhat like how I seemed to have met you. Completely random with a fling of "here's how you can find me." Then Jude Law meets Julia Roberts...and all hell breaks lose. You came and went, taking a little piece of me with you. You're destroying me...
On top of that, my wrist is completely killing me. I know I need to see a doctor and I know I need to have it checked out, but I'm scared to hear the results. I know there's something wrong, something out of place. I broke down about it earlier and I'm going to break down about it right now too. Why do I have such problems with my hands?! Years of destructive playing? What if I really was supposed to be a musician and now look at me...ruined hands. That's what keeps me from going to do the doctor. What if they're ruined? I can't give up my life and not play ever again
I'm completely falling apart...and everything's so god damn confusing. Decisions, Decisions. I'm not very good at making the right ones... You're there one minute and then you're gone...Why are you doing this to me now? It's killing me...what do you want to ask me? Why aren't you telling me...you're one of my best friends. My analytic mind is kicking me in the ass. It's quite possible that you didn't mean that, and you really did mean someone else...
but why would you say that? ugh...i'm adding up all the "signals" and I'm just thinking too much. We've done this. Twice. Why now? Why NOW am I thinking that it might be different?
I'm trying not to think back years go...but I am. I know it was the best decision I've ever made and maybe the only good one I've made...but, what if i HADN'T made that decision...let you go...that moment changed my life (and yours)...forever. I'm too young for that kind of commitment. I know I'm still too young for that, but God, I miss feeling that. God damn it, i put you through therapy. What the hell is wrong with me? What kind of concieted bitch sends someone to therapy?? But then again, what kind of man throws a woman to the floor? I know I shouldn't be trying to reason with this...but I just keep thinking "what if?"
I can't keep my mind focused on anything right now...
...can't take my mind off of you.
So the movie starts, and beautifully ends. I think it's quite possible that the writer of this story instantaneously knew the story of my life as well. Right now, I'm sitting here, stunned, in awe of this movie. The random people we meet who hurt us so badly and ultimately end up to mean nothing. Kinda funny how that all worked out for me. Jude Law's character, Dan, meets the character played by Natalie Portman, somewhat like how I seemed to have met you. Completely random with a fling of "here's how you can find me." Then Jude Law meets Julia Roberts...and all hell breaks lose. You came and went, taking a little piece of me with you. You're destroying me...
On top of that, my wrist is completely killing me. I know I need to see a doctor and I know I need to have it checked out, but I'm scared to hear the results. I know there's something wrong, something out of place. I broke down about it earlier and I'm going to break down about it right now too. Why do I have such problems with my hands?! Years of destructive playing? What if I really was supposed to be a musician and now look at me...ruined hands. That's what keeps me from going to do the doctor. What if they're ruined? I can't give up my life and not play ever again
I'm completely falling apart...and everything's so god damn confusing. Decisions, Decisions. I'm not very good at making the right ones... You're there one minute and then you're gone...Why are you doing this to me now? It's killing me...what do you want to ask me? Why aren't you telling me...you're one of my best friends. My analytic mind is kicking me in the ass. It's quite possible that you didn't mean that, and you really did mean someone else...
but why would you say that? ugh...i'm adding up all the "signals" and I'm just thinking too much. We've done this. Twice. Why now? Why NOW am I thinking that it might be different?
I'm trying not to think back years go...but I am. I know it was the best decision I've ever made and maybe the only good one I've made...but, what if i HADN'T made that decision...let you go...that moment changed my life (and yours)...forever. I'm too young for that kind of commitment. I know I'm still too young for that, but God, I miss feeling that. God damn it, i put you through therapy. What the hell is wrong with me? What kind of concieted bitch sends someone to therapy?? But then again, what kind of man throws a woman to the floor? I know I shouldn't be trying to reason with this...but I just keep thinking "what if?"
I can't keep my mind focused on anything right now...
...can't take my mind off of you.
Thursday, May 12, 2005
Sitting in Sadness
Studied in the afternoon with Bronwyn at Starbucks because god damn i needed a cup of coffee. I was up last night chatting and then rolled around in bed for a bit because I just couldn't sleep. I miss sleeping with someone next to me, that feeling of extra warmness. My bed's been so cold lately and I'm sick of all the games that men play. I'm sick of sitting around and waiting for someone to just magically appear in my life. I want that consuming, ridiculous, unexplainable type of love....
Right now, I feel so void of all that. I'm not putting myself out there to get used. You can't just keep coming around when you want something and leaving me on the back burner. Intimacy doesn't work that way. I've been so dulled lately, not feeling anything from these people and i'm sick of it. Seriously, what happened to dating? It's a nonexistent form of courtship. I feel like everyone I meet is secretly saying "hi, you're around and not busy, let's have sex!" and I'm just not that type of girl. It all started with you, and i'm seriously just sick of being pushed around like that. The only reason I ever decided to start being intimate with you in the first place is because I wanted to be with you. And why was that so hard to believe? We have great conversation, a fun time together, and you used to be one of my really good friends. i was looking for that sort of respectable love and thought that it would turn into that, but then it just fell apart. I met someone else and after Josh, everything seems to have gone downhill. Dating isn't what I thought it was anymore. It's been so long since I've really felt loved and now that I'm thinking about it, Josh, sometimes I wonder if you even ever felt close to that with me. But once things came to a crashing end with you (and not so beautifully crashed at that...), I went back to my old ways and decided love wasn't the way to go. Hermie, you filled that void for me awhile and yet, then November rolled around and I met the biggest jackass of my life. Seriously, why me? That isn't a learning experience, it was a kick in the ass. Hermie, you're comin back to bite me in the ass on the third round and I'm refusing to let myself get consumed by that. I want it all, or nothing at all...
And then there's you...I'm not sure where you fall in the middle of all this. Frankly, I don't even know why it started.
Why am I still sitting here in my lonliness?
Right now, I feel so void of all that. I'm not putting myself out there to get used. You can't just keep coming around when you want something and leaving me on the back burner. Intimacy doesn't work that way. I've been so dulled lately, not feeling anything from these people and i'm sick of it. Seriously, what happened to dating? It's a nonexistent form of courtship. I feel like everyone I meet is secretly saying "hi, you're around and not busy, let's have sex!" and I'm just not that type of girl. It all started with you, and i'm seriously just sick of being pushed around like that. The only reason I ever decided to start being intimate with you in the first place is because I wanted to be with you. And why was that so hard to believe? We have great conversation, a fun time together, and you used to be one of my really good friends. i was looking for that sort of respectable love and thought that it would turn into that, but then it just fell apart. I met someone else and after Josh, everything seems to have gone downhill. Dating isn't what I thought it was anymore. It's been so long since I've really felt loved and now that I'm thinking about it, Josh, sometimes I wonder if you even ever felt close to that with me. But once things came to a crashing end with you (and not so beautifully crashed at that...), I went back to my old ways and decided love wasn't the way to go. Hermie, you filled that void for me awhile and yet, then November rolled around and I met the biggest jackass of my life. Seriously, why me? That isn't a learning experience, it was a kick in the ass. Hermie, you're comin back to bite me in the ass on the third round and I'm refusing to let myself get consumed by that. I want it all, or nothing at all...
And then there's you...I'm not sure where you fall in the middle of all this. Frankly, I don't even know why it started.
Why am I still sitting here in my lonliness?
Monday, May 09, 2005
Such Great Heights
Tonight's my last night as a Freshman in College and I'm really just trying to take it all in. The city looks so boring from the window tonight. Not a lot of people walking around, hardly any cars on the road, and hardly any noise. The city's quiet tonight.
The sky is blue, the sun just getting ready to set where it starts to fade into different colors of reds and oranges in the middle of the sky. I can see so many of the buildings from my window that I'm going to miss being away from for those few short months back in janesville. Perfect view of the Roundhouse, Towers, and the Red Gym. The view of the Vilas Building, Humanities and Elvejehm Art, University Square, and Gordon Commons.
I'm listening to the sappy music that of will of course make me cry if I listen to it more than twice. This of course will inevitably happen. I just can't get enough of this song. The more I listen to it, the more I can just remember thinking those sorts of things in my head at one point. I'm not even sure what's going on in my head right now. I know I'm not going to have this same view ever again, and I'm really just trying to take it in. The song, I'll hear again, and I know i'll wish it was being sung to just me. I feel like I'm being robbed of all the songs that people may have written about me. I'm just having one of those moments, those real human moments, where I'm connected with nothing but myself and everything else just seems to go on as I sit and watch it, taking it all in. The trees are still, but the cars and the people on the streets move and go on with their lives. I'm just one of those trees standing there watching, having no other purpose. I'm sure you wrote a few songs about me and yet, I don't remember if you ever did. I'm sure now that most of them are about how things went wrong, how cold and angered I was. Am I inevitably just destined to act that way with everyone? The more you shut the door in my face, the more I wonder, is everything just going to continually just get worse? there was the peak of course when everything was seemingly so perfect, and yet, everything drastically went down from there. This campus is full of those who really aren't looking for what i am. What happened to those real moments, the ones where you just lie in bed discussing everything, thoughts, experiences, laughs...? Do none of these people exist? The stay at home types that like to make a romantic dinner, cuddle over a movie, and stay up all night talking. The play me a song type, listen to the lyrics, read me your poetry. Apparantly the male counterpart of me doesn't exist.
Someone around here must have some sort of emotion. Play your music for me, excite some sort of emotion in me. Right now i'm so void of it, disconnected even. and I guess that means "i'll go with nothing."
oh how I wish you knew you were singing right to me...
The sky is blue, the sun just getting ready to set where it starts to fade into different colors of reds and oranges in the middle of the sky. I can see so many of the buildings from my window that I'm going to miss being away from for those few short months back in janesville. Perfect view of the Roundhouse, Towers, and the Red Gym. The view of the Vilas Building, Humanities and Elvejehm Art, University Square, and Gordon Commons.
I'm listening to the sappy music that of will of course make me cry if I listen to it more than twice. This of course will inevitably happen. I just can't get enough of this song. The more I listen to it, the more I can just remember thinking those sorts of things in my head at one point. I'm not even sure what's going on in my head right now. I know I'm not going to have this same view ever again, and I'm really just trying to take it in. The song, I'll hear again, and I know i'll wish it was being sung to just me. I feel like I'm being robbed of all the songs that people may have written about me. I'm just having one of those moments, those real human moments, where I'm connected with nothing but myself and everything else just seems to go on as I sit and watch it, taking it all in. The trees are still, but the cars and the people on the streets move and go on with their lives. I'm just one of those trees standing there watching, having no other purpose. I'm sure you wrote a few songs about me and yet, I don't remember if you ever did. I'm sure now that most of them are about how things went wrong, how cold and angered I was. Am I inevitably just destined to act that way with everyone? The more you shut the door in my face, the more I wonder, is everything just going to continually just get worse? there was the peak of course when everything was seemingly so perfect, and yet, everything drastically went down from there. This campus is full of those who really aren't looking for what i am. What happened to those real moments, the ones where you just lie in bed discussing everything, thoughts, experiences, laughs...? Do none of these people exist? The stay at home types that like to make a romantic dinner, cuddle over a movie, and stay up all night talking. The play me a song type, listen to the lyrics, read me your poetry. Apparantly the male counterpart of me doesn't exist.
Someone around here must have some sort of emotion. Play your music for me, excite some sort of emotion in me. Right now i'm so void of it, disconnected even. and I guess that means "i'll go with nothing."
oh how I wish you knew you were singing right to me...
Sunday, May 08, 2005
Ode to the Year
Just took my first final of the semester. It was completely ridiculous. List this, this, that, two alternative ideas for this and that. Ugh....seriously, a ONE credit class should NOT be this much work.
Tomorrow's the day of hell. Philosphy final that results in 40% of my grade. Seriously, kill me. I love philosophy but anyone who makes an exam 40% of the grade is attempting to kill their students. At any rate, I'm having a study session with some friends tonight and then I'm sure I'll be up quite late consuming all of this information.
Went out for dinner with Mary Jane. God, I'm gonna miss that girl over the summer and next year. With her living in the sorority house and me living with my friends on Dayton, it's just not conducive to hanging out whenever I want like it is in the dorms. And for that matter, How am i going to live an entire summer without her?! I'll never forget our library dates, starbucks visits, and late night sessions of INTENSE SATC!!! Including my favorite episode, "aw, baby thats so sweet." (i'm still rolling on the floor laughing!)
For that matter, I'm going to miss ALL of my friends--Some of which will be living next door next year, but THANK GOD for his little mysterious ways of putting us all together. Not that I necessarily believe it was an act of God, but just that I mean it was an extreme coincidence. (oh christ, listen to me sitting here trying to justify what I'm saying!) Ladies, you're great friends and I expect to hear from you over the summer! Let the good times roll...
Tomorrow's the day of hell. Philosphy final that results in 40% of my grade. Seriously, kill me. I love philosophy but anyone who makes an exam 40% of the grade is attempting to kill their students. At any rate, I'm having a study session with some friends tonight and then I'm sure I'll be up quite late consuming all of this information.
Went out for dinner with Mary Jane. God, I'm gonna miss that girl over the summer and next year. With her living in the sorority house and me living with my friends on Dayton, it's just not conducive to hanging out whenever I want like it is in the dorms. And for that matter, How am i going to live an entire summer without her?! I'll never forget our library dates, starbucks visits, and late night sessions of INTENSE SATC!!! Including my favorite episode, "aw, baby thats so sweet." (i'm still rolling on the floor laughing!)
For that matter, I'm going to miss ALL of my friends--Some of which will be living next door next year, but THANK GOD for his little mysterious ways of putting us all together. Not that I necessarily believe it was an act of God, but just that I mean it was an extreme coincidence. (oh christ, listen to me sitting here trying to justify what I'm saying!) Ladies, you're great friends and I expect to hear from you over the summer! Let the good times roll...
Friday, April 29, 2005
Keep your Pants ZIPPED!
Hmm...it's funny how men think that women aren't smart enough to find out that fooling around between two girls really ISNT a good idea. Yesterday, I found out that a friend of mine and I had both fooled around with the same guy over the past weekend. Uh, what?! WHO DOES THAT!?!?!?! Seriously guys, why can't you just be monogomous? I've heard all the theories about reproduction and spreading your seed, but I think we've established by now that WE are not animals and are of a different nature. We can think and express thoughts, are complex beings, and posess more than the average animal. In this case, I have to say that the fact that you think you can spread your seed like animals, simply is false. Ridiculous even.
As much as I love ya, it just isnt cool that you pick the same weekend to hang out with BOTH of us when you haven't seen either of us in a really long time...and oh yea, just HAPPENED to make it a "more than friends" evening with the both of us. Seriously, if it was anyone else that you were fooling around with, i'd be furious, but the fact that it's a good friend of mine, i can SORT OF deal with, and you best be lucky for that. It'd be your balls if it wasnt...
No Man will EVER do that to me again...
and get away with it.
As much as I love ya, it just isnt cool that you pick the same weekend to hang out with BOTH of us when you haven't seen either of us in a really long time...and oh yea, just HAPPENED to make it a "more than friends" evening with the both of us. Seriously, if it was anyone else that you were fooling around with, i'd be furious, but the fact that it's a good friend of mine, i can SORT OF deal with, and you best be lucky for that. It'd be your balls if it wasnt...
No Man will EVER do that to me again...
and get away with it.
Sunday, April 24, 2005
thinkin...
I just can't get my mind off this weekend. So great. Best time I've had at home in a long time actually. Work was busy and Sunday was hell, but hey, what do you expect with 2 and a half hours of sleep? ;-) I haven't felt that intense emotion in quite some time and I must say, it's nice. I so want you.
Friday, April 22, 2005
Obsession
Yes, I've found the band of the moment: Death Cab for Cutie
I seriously adore them. The lyrics are gorgeous, the music behind it is near perfection. Musically speaking, they've interpreted their own lyrics well and exceptionally play this out through the musicality. As always, I'm very impressed with their work on the album Transatlanticism. Gorgeously done my boys.
Favorite songs? Tiny Vessels, We Looked like Giants, and The New Year.
I know I've mentioned them before...and other songs for that matter, but these are my updated current favorites. :-)
The next couple of weeks are going to be damn busy! Studying for an IMPOSSIBLE, yes thats right, IMPOSSIBLE philosophy final, writing a paper/website...uh, what?!...for my STUPID geology class, finishing up my english paper and perfecting that to my liking. The rest can wait for a little bit until I feel adequately on my feet in the above mentioned courses.
As for life? Eh, not so great. Being busy and sleep deprived really gets to me. I'm looking forward to a summer of reading, working, job searching, and hanging out with my friends. Getting ready for the apartment is seriously going to take me all summer cause I'm just that disorganized usually (ha) and moving back home for the next couple of months is going to KILL me. What the hell am I supposed to do in this town?! (trust me, i'm NOT laughing on this one...) I guess lots of nights at Starbucks with my coffee and book are going to be the ticket.
Now, I know there are some of you who are expecting me to have all the insight in the world right now, and trust me, I'm becoming one of those ants i'm writing my paper on (see Waking Life) and am a little preoccupied with myself currently. Shannon especially, I know i've been depriving you of your daily Kitten readings, but hun, I'll see you in May and what the hell are we going to talk about it I discuss all of it with you now?! My advice? Start reading up on your Philosophy because kitten definately wants to discuss it--with anyone and everyone!
I'm leaving you all with a challenge. Give me an interesting problem to solve or start thinking about in the next couple of weeks and I'll post my own thoughts soon enough. Example? "How do you feel about the existence of God? How can we "know" that he exists or doesn't? " (PS-Example does not mean ASK me that question...) Shannana--I especially hope to hear a few questions from you. Maybe I can give you some reading suggestions!!!
the fans--i love you.
I seriously adore them. The lyrics are gorgeous, the music behind it is near perfection. Musically speaking, they've interpreted their own lyrics well and exceptionally play this out through the musicality. As always, I'm very impressed with their work on the album Transatlanticism. Gorgeously done my boys.
Favorite songs? Tiny Vessels, We Looked like Giants, and The New Year.
I know I've mentioned them before...and other songs for that matter, but these are my updated current favorites. :-)
The next couple of weeks are going to be damn busy! Studying for an IMPOSSIBLE, yes thats right, IMPOSSIBLE philosophy final, writing a paper/website...uh, what?!...for my STUPID geology class, finishing up my english paper and perfecting that to my liking. The rest can wait for a little bit until I feel adequately on my feet in the above mentioned courses.
As for life? Eh, not so great. Being busy and sleep deprived really gets to me. I'm looking forward to a summer of reading, working, job searching, and hanging out with my friends. Getting ready for the apartment is seriously going to take me all summer cause I'm just that disorganized usually (ha) and moving back home for the next couple of months is going to KILL me. What the hell am I supposed to do in this town?! (trust me, i'm NOT laughing on this one...) I guess lots of nights at Starbucks with my coffee and book are going to be the ticket.
Now, I know there are some of you who are expecting me to have all the insight in the world right now, and trust me, I'm becoming one of those ants i'm writing my paper on (see Waking Life) and am a little preoccupied with myself currently. Shannon especially, I know i've been depriving you of your daily Kitten readings, but hun, I'll see you in May and what the hell are we going to talk about it I discuss all of it with you now?! My advice? Start reading up on your Philosophy because kitten definately wants to discuss it--with anyone and everyone!
I'm leaving you all with a challenge. Give me an interesting problem to solve or start thinking about in the next couple of weeks and I'll post my own thoughts soon enough. Example? "How do you feel about the existence of God? How can we "know" that he exists or doesn't? " (PS-Example does not mean ASK me that question...) Shannana--I especially hope to hear a few questions from you. Maybe I can give you some reading suggestions!!!
the fans--i love you.
in the heat
while I was in the moment, i wrote a blog about my views of place of employment. To those of you who read it and are offended, i'm quite sorry. I hardly think that of my place of employment and I think it's crap that someone who doesn't even know me has to say stuff like that. Anyone who knows me realizes that I love my work, I enjoy most of the people I work with and occassionally get angry, as anyone does with their job. At any rate, This is my retraction for the deleted blog which will not be replaced.
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
8 days..
and I'm getting closer and closer to 10...
...and the only time i've touched you is in my sleep.
Well, I've gotten one of the best compliments of all today: well anyways.... i know you're a good and honest person... and not too shabby a creative artisitic type too....
The latter of which is my favorite part! I love it when people comment on stuff like that about me :-)
Well, I don't have any good stories except maybe a little explanation to do. Saturday night--WOW was I a bit wasted. Gotta love my ladies and men for being there for me and taking care of me in my uh...time of sickness? (for lack of interesting wording...) I had a great time hanging out with my guys and sending Pete off into the Navy. (Good Luck!)
I haven't had much to say these past few days and mostly thats just because there's just nothing interesting going on. I'm trying to work on this english paper for my class as much as I can, research, research, research...and so i haven't had much time to just sit around and chill until the last few days and mostly I've been spending those sleeping or going out. Went to the terrace last night and read about Kant. Ahh...being on the terrace reminds me of...
I love going for walks at night. The city's calm and tranquil. Everything settle's down and there's nothing but you and the surroundings. It's so nice to just "be" for awhile...and it doesn't hurt to spend it with a great guy either ;-)
We've got like 2.5 weeks of classes left and then we've got finals...god damn it, i just can't wait. I'm so greatful to get out of the dorms...i've never been so sick of something before in my life but it'll shortly all be over. I hate wearing flip flops in the shower, carrying a little basket with all of my belongings in it, and I hate the fact that the people on this floor are fake pieces of bitchiness. Who are these people that I live with?! Next year we'll start off in a comfortable environment-yes, bed on the floor-and set up my lifestyle there, because right now, i just can't seem to find myself in this dorm room. It's not very conducive to my lifestyle...
Where did senior year go? The late night talks and hanging out on the apartment floor, early am walks....man I miss that apartment and all of the things that went along with it. I seriously spent more time there than at home my senior year I think...
Final note? It looks like it's going to rain tonight and i'd adore basking in the rain this evening. Lights out with only the rain to guide me. Is there any distinct possibility that that will happen? more than likely no. hmm....rain.
...and the only time i've touched you is in my sleep.
Well, I've gotten one of the best compliments of all today: well anyways.... i know you're a good and honest person... and not too shabby a creative artisitic type too....
The latter of which is my favorite part! I love it when people comment on stuff like that about me :-)
Well, I don't have any good stories except maybe a little explanation to do. Saturday night--WOW was I a bit wasted. Gotta love my ladies and men for being there for me and taking care of me in my uh...time of sickness? (for lack of interesting wording...) I had a great time hanging out with my guys and sending Pete off into the Navy. (Good Luck!)
I haven't had much to say these past few days and mostly thats just because there's just nothing interesting going on. I'm trying to work on this english paper for my class as much as I can, research, research, research...and so i haven't had much time to just sit around and chill until the last few days and mostly I've been spending those sleeping or going out. Went to the terrace last night and read about Kant. Ahh...being on the terrace reminds me of...
I love going for walks at night. The city's calm and tranquil. Everything settle's down and there's nothing but you and the surroundings. It's so nice to just "be" for awhile...and it doesn't hurt to spend it with a great guy either ;-)
We've got like 2.5 weeks of classes left and then we've got finals...god damn it, i just can't wait. I'm so greatful to get out of the dorms...i've never been so sick of something before in my life but it'll shortly all be over. I hate wearing flip flops in the shower, carrying a little basket with all of my belongings in it, and I hate the fact that the people on this floor are fake pieces of bitchiness. Who are these people that I live with?! Next year we'll start off in a comfortable environment-yes, bed on the floor-and set up my lifestyle there, because right now, i just can't seem to find myself in this dorm room. It's not very conducive to my lifestyle...
Where did senior year go? The late night talks and hanging out on the apartment floor, early am walks....man I miss that apartment and all of the things that went along with it. I seriously spent more time there than at home my senior year I think...
Final note? It looks like it's going to rain tonight and i'd adore basking in the rain this evening. Lights out with only the rain to guide me. Is there any distinct possibility that that will happen? more than likely no. hmm....rain.
Sunday, April 17, 2005
Fall 2005
english 169
comp lit 202
poli sci 104
philo 432
What am i thinking?! God only knows...(if he exists) ;-)
Happy with the schedule, relatively happy with the classes. Yay for being in college.
comp lit 202
poli sci 104
philo 432
What am i thinking?! God only knows...(if he exists) ;-)
Happy with the schedule, relatively happy with the classes. Yay for being in college.
Thursday, April 14, 2005
Travis
song of the day: Why does it always rain on me? by Travis
Listen to it. Great song, not technically what I'm feeling for the day, but great nonetheless.
Mood Music: Mayer's "Tracing"
Song on my Mind: Wilco's "reservations" or maybe because it's lines are just so true... "i've got reservations about so many things, but not about you..."
Song about me: Billy Joel's "She's always a woman to me" (epitome of my character) "She can ask for the truth but she'll never believe" "She can kill with her eyes" "She can take care of herself, she can wait if she wants, she's a head of her time" "she is frequently kind and then suddenly cruel"
Listen to it. Great song, not technically what I'm feeling for the day, but great nonetheless.
Mood Music: Mayer's "Tracing"
Song on my Mind: Wilco's "reservations" or maybe because it's lines are just so true... "i've got reservations about so many things, but not about you..."
Song about me: Billy Joel's "She's always a woman to me" (epitome of my character) "She can ask for the truth but she'll never believe" "She can kill with her eyes" "She can take care of herself, she can wait if she wants, she's a head of her time" "she is frequently kind and then suddenly cruel"
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Between Thoughts
What happened to those moments between thoughts and between the monotony of life...? Those when you can just "be"? I wonder with our society set up the way it is these days if we even stop to wonder about life's little mysteries and little beauties. I often am guilty of this as well, but how often do we stop to look at the leaf that blows in the air as it is just "being" and revelling in the beauty around it. The crazed character in American Beauty noticed it, why doesn't everyone else? The cliche rose, the one that your now love who soon will not be gave you...the beauty you see in it, though seen by most of the world based on cultural norms...what about it is so beautiful? What sets it apart from something else so that you can call it beautiful? Why is it the rose that you look at and not the lily or iris? When those flowers sit on the table and you say they are beautiful, do you say this because you just "know" that they are beautiful? or did you really sit there, gaze at them and decide that because of its form, its structure, was it then that you noticed its beauty?
America's so busy with their daily routine that we miss the between thought moments and breaking everything down into its simplist form to view the beauty then. Something so hideously ugly or normal can have beautiful grace, form, and structure. Janie's boyfriend wasn't really all that crazy, just had better perspective than the rest of the world. Something so simple as a leaf blowing in the air on a day when it's minutes away from snowing is remarkably beautiful...
America's so busy with their daily routine that we miss the between thought moments and breaking everything down into its simplist form to view the beauty then. Something so hideously ugly or normal can have beautiful grace, form, and structure. Janie's boyfriend wasn't really all that crazy, just had better perspective than the rest of the world. Something so simple as a leaf blowing in the air on a day when it's minutes away from snowing is remarkably beautiful...
Friday, April 08, 2005
Tell me about yourself-The survey
Name:Cat
Birthday:6/11/86
Birthplace:Janesville, WI
Current Location:Madison, WI
Eye Color:blue
Hair Color: brown
Height:5' 5"
Right Handed or Left Handed:Right
Your Heritage:German/Swedish/English
The Shoes You Wore Today:black flip flops with beads
Your Weakness:wine, men with gorgeous brown eyes, shoes
Your Fears:love, but numerous others
Your Perfect Pizza: cheese and olives-black
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:pick my major (and maybe stick with it...!)
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:
LOL (anyone who talks to me online knows i type it after about everything. It's an extreme addiction
Thoughts First Waking Up:Today? Why the fuck is the alarm so fuckin loud?
Your Best Physical Feature:eyes
Your Bedtime:around 1
Your Most Missed Memory:my grandfather
Pepsi or Coke:neither bitches
MacDonalds or Burger King:yick! neither
Single or Group Dates:find me a date and i'd participate in either one
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:don't drink much tea
Chocolate or Vanilla:I like the last person's answer-swirl (ha)
Cappuccino or Coffee:coffee!!!!
Do you Smoke:occassionally
Do you Swear:incessantly
Do you Sing:you can bet your bottom dollar!
Do you Shower Daily:you bet
Have you Been in Love: love is an illusion...
Do you want to go to College:want to? i'm there baby
Do you want to get Married:there's the question of the day
Do you belive in yourself:i believe i can do anything i set my mind to
Do you get Motion Sickness:depends on what kind of motion. (HA)
Do you think you are Attractive:facebook-moderately attractive society
Are you a Health Freak: veggie! No, not really...
Do you get along with your Parents:yup.
Do you like Thunderstorms:complete turn on
Do you play an Instrument:violin, i dabble in the vocal area as well
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:damn straight! i love it when little airon turns 20...! (yes, i said TWENTY)
In the past month have you Smoked:
yup
In the past month have you been on Drugs:
i guess technically b/c of the previous 2 questions...
In the past month have you gone on a Date:nope--not terribly bitter about it either
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:yup
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:
damn...no
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:no
In the past month have you been on Stage:no
In the past month have you been Dumped:no
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:i wish
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:no
Ever been Drunk:stupid question...
Ever been called a Tease:can't remember any specific incidences, but it's fun to be one! :-)
Ever been Beaten up:no, but before i die, i WILL get into a physical fight with a woman.
Ever Shoplifted:no.
How do you want to Die:is that seriously a question?
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:a writer, an editor, a columnist
What country would you most like to Visit:England
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:hands down, brown
Favourite Hair Color:
gotta love the brown haired guys
Short or Long Hair:long enough that i can run my fingers through it
Height:personal preference for guys above 6', but that's severely superficial
Weight:tiny stature with built features.
Best Clothing Style:that's even more superficial than asking about height or weight...
Number of Drugs I have taken:3 if you want to define "drugs" as i do.
Number of CDs I own:too many i'm sure...i'm a music freak
Number of Piercings:oh christ...this could take awhile. 10 total-all visible (sorry for the guys who think i have my nipples pierced!)
Number of Tattoos:one-badass.
Number of things in my Past I Regret? how many men have i dated?...
Birthday:6/11/86
Birthplace:Janesville, WI
Current Location:Madison, WI
Eye Color:blue
Hair Color: brown
Height:5' 5"
Right Handed or Left Handed:Right
Your Heritage:German/Swedish/English
The Shoes You Wore Today:black flip flops with beads
Your Weakness:wine, men with gorgeous brown eyes, shoes
Your Fears:love, but numerous others
Your Perfect Pizza: cheese and olives-black
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:pick my major (and maybe stick with it...!)
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:
LOL (anyone who talks to me online knows i type it after about everything. It's an extreme addiction
Thoughts First Waking Up:Today? Why the fuck is the alarm so fuckin loud?
Your Best Physical Feature:eyes
Your Bedtime:around 1
Your Most Missed Memory:my grandfather
Pepsi or Coke:neither bitches
MacDonalds or Burger King:yick! neither
Single or Group Dates:find me a date and i'd participate in either one
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:don't drink much tea
Chocolate or Vanilla:I like the last person's answer-swirl (ha)
Cappuccino or Coffee:coffee!!!!
Do you Smoke:occassionally
Do you Swear:incessantly
Do you Sing:you can bet your bottom dollar!
Do you Shower Daily:you bet
Have you Been in Love: love is an illusion...
Do you want to go to College:want to? i'm there baby
Do you want to get Married:there's the question of the day
Do you belive in yourself:i believe i can do anything i set my mind to
Do you get Motion Sickness:depends on what kind of motion. (HA)
Do you think you are Attractive:facebook-moderately attractive society
Are you a Health Freak: veggie! No, not really...
Do you get along with your Parents:yup.
Do you like Thunderstorms:complete turn on
Do you play an Instrument:violin, i dabble in the vocal area as well
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:damn straight! i love it when little airon turns 20...! (yes, i said TWENTY)
In the past month have you Smoked:
yup
In the past month have you been on Drugs:
i guess technically b/c of the previous 2 questions...
In the past month have you gone on a Date:nope--not terribly bitter about it either
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:yup
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:
damn...no
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:no
In the past month have you been on Stage:no
In the past month have you been Dumped:no
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:i wish
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:no
Ever been Drunk:stupid question...
Ever been called a Tease:can't remember any specific incidences, but it's fun to be one! :-)
Ever been Beaten up:no, but before i die, i WILL get into a physical fight with a woman.
Ever Shoplifted:no.
How do you want to Die:is that seriously a question?
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:a writer, an editor, a columnist
What country would you most like to Visit:England
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:hands down, brown
Favourite Hair Color:
gotta love the brown haired guys
Short or Long Hair:long enough that i can run my fingers through it
Height:personal preference for guys above 6', but that's severely superficial
Weight:tiny stature with built features.
Best Clothing Style:that's even more superficial than asking about height or weight...
Number of Drugs I have taken:3 if you want to define "drugs" as i do.
Number of CDs I own:too many i'm sure...i'm a music freak
Number of Piercings:oh christ...this could take awhile. 10 total-all visible (sorry for the guys who think i have my nipples pierced!)
Number of Tattoos:one-badass.
Number of things in my Past I Regret? how many men have i dated?...
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
Monday, April 04, 2005
Missy Higgins
"Preach it sista"--Thanks Shan, I'll try...
"And it's been ten days without you in my reach,
And the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.
But time has changed nothing at all - "
Strange how those things happen. Missy Higgins new song titled "10 days" has some definate great lines in it. One of those songs where you were together and now you're not. And the first few lines that I've mentioned seem to be what kind of state of mind i'm in right now. It's been so long since I've seen you and you're the last one I touched in my sleep. Are dreams more like a reality we wish we were having? or like something you wish could happen but don't think it ever will? Nagel says that we are not morally responsible for factors beyond their control. That night...i have to ask, was it out of control? I mean, the tension I guess has just been building for awhile and something seems to change when we're together. There seem to be these other factors playing in to why something we both seemingly want, potentially won't happen. Shouldn't we have Free Will? Can't I chose to do what I want? I mean, should we really be sitting here thinking about what other people care about it? Sure, we have to care to a point and i'd be devastated if i'd have to lose friends over the situation, but i also believe that if something happens, you can't necessarily be held responsible for something that both parties want to experience.
Society says that technically, this would be unacceptable of me, but maybe I'm standing out on a limb here in saying that I don't think I should have to give up my friends or be shunned for my behavior.
" 'Cos I miss your hands I miss your face.
When I get back let's disappear without a trace
So tell me, did you really think...
Oh tell me, did you really think
I had gone when you couldn't see me anymore?
When you couldn't... "
I know that what happened sort of crossed the lines with a few of my friendships, but in all reality, the person who should be the most mad at me, isn't. It's sort of a twisted version of reality that i've come to find out. Our lives seem to wrap around each others and become something that none of us planned. As time passes, the friendships I've had over the years seem to be changing and I'm drifting from some people that I didn't think I ever could.
In getting back to Missy Higgins, I think her new song (anyone know if she's had any other hits?) is well written, truthful, and heart wrenching. It's a simple enough concept, but I think the way she's conveyed the meaning hits you right in the heart in a way to get you thinking about your own past.
My own is not so bright and I've had this particular thing on my mind for quite some time, just haven't quite been sure how to state it. After dating the infamous "Adam", or should we say "dating", one can never really be sure. At any rate, after "dating" Adam, I feel so dirty about myself and have lately been sitting around wondering something that I'm not so sure how to explain without just plainly stating it. I can't say that I've been extremely hostile towards how I feel or that I've let anyone else know about it, but after knowing how many people he's been with and then relating that back to what it might say about my own character (granted I wasn't aware of the fact that he'd slept with so many others too...) many tears have been shed and i wonder...
...How could anyone want to be with me after that?
"And it's been ten days without you in my reach,
And the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.
But time has changed nothing at all - "
Strange how those things happen. Missy Higgins new song titled "10 days" has some definate great lines in it. One of those songs where you were together and now you're not. And the first few lines that I've mentioned seem to be what kind of state of mind i'm in right now. It's been so long since I've seen you and you're the last one I touched in my sleep. Are dreams more like a reality we wish we were having? or like something you wish could happen but don't think it ever will? Nagel says that we are not morally responsible for factors beyond their control. That night...i have to ask, was it out of control? I mean, the tension I guess has just been building for awhile and something seems to change when we're together. There seem to be these other factors playing in to why something we both seemingly want, potentially won't happen. Shouldn't we have Free Will? Can't I chose to do what I want? I mean, should we really be sitting here thinking about what other people care about it? Sure, we have to care to a point and i'd be devastated if i'd have to lose friends over the situation, but i also believe that if something happens, you can't necessarily be held responsible for something that both parties want to experience.
Society says that technically, this would be unacceptable of me, but maybe I'm standing out on a limb here in saying that I don't think I should have to give up my friends or be shunned for my behavior.
" 'Cos I miss your hands I miss your face.
When I get back let's disappear without a trace
So tell me, did you really think...
Oh tell me, did you really think
I had gone when you couldn't see me anymore?
When you couldn't... "
I know that what happened sort of crossed the lines with a few of my friendships, but in all reality, the person who should be the most mad at me, isn't. It's sort of a twisted version of reality that i've come to find out. Our lives seem to wrap around each others and become something that none of us planned. As time passes, the friendships I've had over the years seem to be changing and I'm drifting from some people that I didn't think I ever could.
In getting back to Missy Higgins, I think her new song (anyone know if she's had any other hits?) is well written, truthful, and heart wrenching. It's a simple enough concept, but I think the way she's conveyed the meaning hits you right in the heart in a way to get you thinking about your own past.
My own is not so bright and I've had this particular thing on my mind for quite some time, just haven't quite been sure how to state it. After dating the infamous "Adam", or should we say "dating", one can never really be sure. At any rate, after "dating" Adam, I feel so dirty about myself and have lately been sitting around wondering something that I'm not so sure how to explain without just plainly stating it. I can't say that I've been extremely hostile towards how I feel or that I've let anyone else know about it, but after knowing how many people he's been with and then relating that back to what it might say about my own character (granted I wasn't aware of the fact that he'd slept with so many others too...) many tears have been shed and i wonder...
...How could anyone want to be with me after that?
Thursday, March 31, 2005
This City Life
It's lonely here in the city on days like today. I've got amazing friends that I had an unforgettable day with, but at the end of the day, it'd be nice to come home to someone. That security of knowing that someone other than your friends cares. And in a way, its not really security at all.
It's the days of rain, my favorite of course, that I just feel like taking the time to be standing in the rain with that special person and kiss in each others arms. Forget the umbrella...
I'm not really sure why I think that's so romantic, you're both amazingly cold and soaking wet...I've never even had one of those experiences, but regardless, I know that i'd absolutely adore it.
i'm not sure why, but the rain always puts me in one of those sedated moods. I can see life being lived outside of my window as the cars pass on the street and the people walk around. It just makes me feel so alive to see the life outside being lived as I sit here, but it also makes me think too much which is always my problem. I miss the glory days of laying around with you and those nights when you'd call and make me come over...
still need some questions answered and it seems like you just want to leave it be...i don't understand it. there are just some things that don't make sense about what happened and I'm not trying to live in the past, but its been far too long since we haven't been together and I'm STILL thinking about what it would be like to be with you...even in the relationships since, it's always been there...the comparison, the doubt, the wish...
Here's the stuff you never used to know...
1. when you were asleep, i'd lie there with your hand in mine and pray because I was the luckiest girl to be with you...
you never treated me badly like the other ones had and you were caring, full of passion, and so real...
2. Also while you slept, I'd tell you how much I cared about you...said "I wish i could tell you, but it's so hard to say those words, and while i feel them, i don't understand why I just can't say them out loud to you"
3. I used to lay at home and spend nights crying because I didn't want to lose you when I went to school. I knew things were going to change and that it would be much different with us both in school, but I felt that in the end, we could discuss it and work through it together. Those nights I was upset and couldn't tell you what was wrong...thats what it was. .me worrying about our future.
4. I never believed in fate until I met y ou and realized how much of it had to be placed right in order for the two of us to meet and come together...
It's the days of rain, my favorite of course, that I just feel like taking the time to be standing in the rain with that special person and kiss in each others arms. Forget the umbrella...
I'm not really sure why I think that's so romantic, you're both amazingly cold and soaking wet...I've never even had one of those experiences, but regardless, I know that i'd absolutely adore it.
i'm not sure why, but the rain always puts me in one of those sedated moods. I can see life being lived outside of my window as the cars pass on the street and the people walk around. It just makes me feel so alive to see the life outside being lived as I sit here, but it also makes me think too much which is always my problem. I miss the glory days of laying around with you and those nights when you'd call and make me come over...
still need some questions answered and it seems like you just want to leave it be...i don't understand it. there are just some things that don't make sense about what happened and I'm not trying to live in the past, but its been far too long since we haven't been together and I'm STILL thinking about what it would be like to be with you...even in the relationships since, it's always been there...the comparison, the doubt, the wish...
Here's the stuff you never used to know...
1. when you were asleep, i'd lie there with your hand in mine and pray because I was the luckiest girl to be with you...
you never treated me badly like the other ones had and you were caring, full of passion, and so real...
2. Also while you slept, I'd tell you how much I cared about you...said "I wish i could tell you, but it's so hard to say those words, and while i feel them, i don't understand why I just can't say them out loud to you"
3. I used to lay at home and spend nights crying because I didn't want to lose you when I went to school. I knew things were going to change and that it would be much different with us both in school, but I felt that in the end, we could discuss it and work through it together. Those nights I was upset and couldn't tell you what was wrong...thats what it was. .me worrying about our future.
4. I never believed in fate until I met y ou and realized how much of it had to be placed right in order for the two of us to meet and come together...
Friday, March 25, 2005
Tearing me Apart
When we are alone and nobody's watching...
might take you home.
That's today's inspiration. I'm not really sure what's going on in my life right now, it's spring break and I haven't had much time to myself to be honest. Working all the time, going out when I can and doing homework, research...but there's something that just keeps getting to me. My own dirty little secret. It's one of those "What if...?:" kind of things that you just can't seem to get out of your head no matter what you do. I can tell myself it doesn't matter as much as I want to, but it's still there. There are a ton of these "What if's" running through my head but two in general that I can't let go...and those are two that I'm not sure how i'd feel if i DID let them go.
When is it enough to let go and just leave it all behind and not worry anymore? Anyone who knows me realizes that I'm not one to just let something sit on the table without something being said about it, something being analyzed, or without me worrying about it...but when is it time to just let it go and forget? There are so many instances in which i've put case closed on a file and yet, do I even know why I closed it or what lead me to believe that I was over it...but am i? No. And sadly enough, that sort of thing is what kills me. I just don't want to let the file get closed and leave it at that. That fight you had with your best friend is definatley going to bite you in the ass someday and that relationship you had 4 years go, also not gone...
Now, i'm not asking for those things back, I'm just curious as to when it's ok to just let it go and when it still needs discussing. Onej "file" in particular is bothering me...and I'm not sure why it's bothering me so much. What happened to change the status in a matter of an evening? I didn't think I'd really care if it happened or if it didn't and at first i just sort of snubbed it off as something that "just happened." However, the more i'm just sitting here thinking about it, the more it plagues me. Was it INDEED something that "JUST HAPPENED?" or Was it something that's just needed to be done for so long, to break the tension, to feel out the ground? and How can we ever really know? There are about a million questions running through my head about it and I just can't seem to come up with any of the answers. Its not my place to be like hey "we need to talk about this" but its just something thats sort of....eating away at me. I guess its just one of those things that I need worked out and not left open...
The other open "file"? Something that I'm sure will never get closed, not in my heart at least. How I loved you, am still there for you, and yet, I still just have to sit here and wait for you...and I'm not even sure that it'll ever happen again. I miss everything about being with you and yet, it doesn't seem as if you remember anything about our relationship. It was near-ideal...as you said yourself...and yet, it wasn't me that you loved. It had to be someone else. (i'm not of course trying to dish on the other person, cause i equally love her!) It's just that...well it wouldn't have mattered who the girl was, I'd still be upset in the same manner. Our relationship was what everyone seems to strive for, no fighting, an understanding, good conversation, perfect compromise, great times together...the feelings were all there...but why was it that you never told me how you felt. I was scared and It took me until it was over to tell you to your face that I love you. I agree, I've had my own bad times in relationships and you have as well...but why the hell didn't it work with us? Bad timing? That may be what you say, but why was it so bad? Just seems to me that you gave up when it was going to get hard...thats no sign of a man to me. Just because it gets difficult, let's bail out of it and save ourselves from the pain that MIGHT, yes MIGHT come later. Who knows? If we had never broken up, we could still be together...and where does that leave me? Alone, with a broken heart and a terrible "relationship" inbetween. Why wasn't it me?
That's all I want....you cared so much more for her than you did for me and it just kills me to know that. Our relationship had progressed so much farther than those "first steps" and yet, you were so infatuated with her and not me...why her and not me?
might take you home.
That's today's inspiration. I'm not really sure what's going on in my life right now, it's spring break and I haven't had much time to myself to be honest. Working all the time, going out when I can and doing homework, research...but there's something that just keeps getting to me. My own dirty little secret. It's one of those "What if...?:" kind of things that you just can't seem to get out of your head no matter what you do. I can tell myself it doesn't matter as much as I want to, but it's still there. There are a ton of these "What if's" running through my head but two in general that I can't let go...and those are two that I'm not sure how i'd feel if i DID let them go.
When is it enough to let go and just leave it all behind and not worry anymore? Anyone who knows me realizes that I'm not one to just let something sit on the table without something being said about it, something being analyzed, or without me worrying about it...but when is it time to just let it go and forget? There are so many instances in which i've put case closed on a file and yet, do I even know why I closed it or what lead me to believe that I was over it...but am i? No. And sadly enough, that sort of thing is what kills me. I just don't want to let the file get closed and leave it at that. That fight you had with your best friend is definatley going to bite you in the ass someday and that relationship you had 4 years go, also not gone...
Now, i'm not asking for those things back, I'm just curious as to when it's ok to just let it go and when it still needs discussing. Onej "file" in particular is bothering me...and I'm not sure why it's bothering me so much. What happened to change the status in a matter of an evening? I didn't think I'd really care if it happened or if it didn't and at first i just sort of snubbed it off as something that "just happened." However, the more i'm just sitting here thinking about it, the more it plagues me. Was it INDEED something that "JUST HAPPENED?" or Was it something that's just needed to be done for so long, to break the tension, to feel out the ground? and How can we ever really know? There are about a million questions running through my head about it and I just can't seem to come up with any of the answers. Its not my place to be like hey "we need to talk about this" but its just something thats sort of....eating away at me. I guess its just one of those things that I need worked out and not left open...
The other open "file"? Something that I'm sure will never get closed, not in my heart at least. How I loved you, am still there for you, and yet, I still just have to sit here and wait for you...and I'm not even sure that it'll ever happen again. I miss everything about being with you and yet, it doesn't seem as if you remember anything about our relationship. It was near-ideal...as you said yourself...and yet, it wasn't me that you loved. It had to be someone else. (i'm not of course trying to dish on the other person, cause i equally love her!) It's just that...well it wouldn't have mattered who the girl was, I'd still be upset in the same manner. Our relationship was what everyone seems to strive for, no fighting, an understanding, good conversation, perfect compromise, great times together...the feelings were all there...but why was it that you never told me how you felt. I was scared and It took me until it was over to tell you to your face that I love you. I agree, I've had my own bad times in relationships and you have as well...but why the hell didn't it work with us? Bad timing? That may be what you say, but why was it so bad? Just seems to me that you gave up when it was going to get hard...thats no sign of a man to me. Just because it gets difficult, let's bail out of it and save ourselves from the pain that MIGHT, yes MIGHT come later. Who knows? If we had never broken up, we could still be together...and where does that leave me? Alone, with a broken heart and a terrible "relationship" inbetween. Why wasn't it me?
That's all I want....you cared so much more for her than you did for me and it just kills me to know that. Our relationship had progressed so much farther than those "first steps" and yet, you were so infatuated with her and not me...why her and not me?
Sunday, March 20, 2005
Cutie in a Cab
Title and Registration!
If you haven't heard it yet, you're seriously missing out. If you've heard it on the radio, the coffee shop, or your friend's apartment, you're also seriously missing out if you have yet to experience the video. The features are spectacular and the video interpretation is amazing. The lyrics are perfectly written and I thoroughly enjoy the artist's indie/alternative style of writing. I adore the filming of indie/rock/alternative videos.
Both the song and the video are innovative in that way that seems to reach everyone in some sense or another, whether you enjoy the music itself is irrelevant since the video is just so intriguing to watch and the song lyrics are amazing. The techno/alternative style background definately adds to the song and gives it that little bit of something extra.
If I haven't written on this song previous, I'm not sure why I've waited so long. Changed my perspective
...The glove compartment isn't accurately named
and everybody knows it
so i'm proposing
a swift orderly change
cause behind its door
there's nothing to keep my fingers warm
and all i find are suvineers from better times
for the claim of your tail lights fading east
to find yourself a better life
I was searching for some legal documents
as the rain beat down on the hood
when i stumbled upon
pictures i tried to forget
and thats how this idea
was drilled into my head
cause its too important
to stay the way its been
but there's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
and now its gone, its like it wasnt there at all
and here i rest where disapointment and regret collide
lying awake at night....
If you haven't heard it yet, you're seriously missing out. If you've heard it on the radio, the coffee shop, or your friend's apartment, you're also seriously missing out if you have yet to experience the video. The features are spectacular and the video interpretation is amazing. The lyrics are perfectly written and I thoroughly enjoy the artist's indie/alternative style of writing. I adore the filming of indie/rock/alternative videos.
Both the song and the video are innovative in that way that seems to reach everyone in some sense or another, whether you enjoy the music itself is irrelevant since the video is just so intriguing to watch and the song lyrics are amazing. The techno/alternative style background definately adds to the song and gives it that little bit of something extra.
If I haven't written on this song previous, I'm not sure why I've waited so long. Changed my perspective
...The glove compartment isn't accurately named
and everybody knows it
so i'm proposing
a swift orderly change
cause behind its door
there's nothing to keep my fingers warm
and all i find are suvineers from better times
for the claim of your tail lights fading east
to find yourself a better life
I was searching for some legal documents
as the rain beat down on the hood
when i stumbled upon
pictures i tried to forget
and thats how this idea
was drilled into my head
cause its too important
to stay the way its been
but there's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
and now its gone, its like it wasnt there at all
and here i rest where disapointment and regret collide
lying awake at night....
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Life's little Moments
Sitting in the booth by myself for a late lunch this afternoon, I had the opportunity as always to indulge in what i respectively call "people watching." Now, hardly ever do you come across someone who doesn't enjoy this little gift of curiosity, but bear with me, as I'm not exactly sure how many people actually get affected by the things they see happening around them everday. Call me emotional, but sometimes it gets me right in the heart.
It's an afternoon like any other and there are people all around, a lot of older ladies and gentlemen, more than I'm used to seeing. Normally this wouldn't pose any problem with me or any reaction at all. Why should it? Gazing around the room, now beginning to fill with individuals wanting their little afternoon snack or late lunch, i noticed that this large group of quite possibly parents filled with a few grandparents seemed to stay longer than the rest. (This again seems fairly logical because we college kids have hardly enough time in our schedules to even find the time to eat!) This whole situation only posed a question in my mind when I noticed one of the older gentlemen, small stature, grey hair, and upon standing I noticed that the gentleman had a slight hunch in his figure. This didn't seem to bother me at first and so I went for another spoonful of my cheddar broccoli soup. When I glanced up again, I noticed the man carrying his tray, but it wasn't that that I noticed first. His walk. His slight hunch was even more profound and he had such a large limp as if only one of his legs really worked correctly and I thought, wow, how sad that this man is carrying his tray by himself and left the group to return his tray to its proper place for discarding and none of the college students seemed to notice his possible difficulty in doing so. Now, maybe he's one of those extremely optimistic people who doesn't want help with anything or doesn't want to be bothered about his current state, but it sort of hit me. This grandfather figure, whom i'm assuming was here to visit his grandchild or pick her/him up for spring break, seemed to hit me right at the core. Not for his stature or for his walk, not for the fact that he was waiting for his child, or even the possibility of the grandparent missing their grandchild. It hit me more when I realized that I don't have mine anymore. It reminds me of when my grandfather used to wait to pick me up in the morning to go to school, the talks we'd have in the morning about life and him giving me advice, the saturday morning breakfasts and the doughnuts he'd bringfor us all to share together, how he'd smell of old spice and halls cough drops, how excited every one of our dogs was when he would arrive. For that matter, the excitement I used to have when he would arrive...
My grandfather was the most amazing person i've ever met. He's guided my life into what it is today and sometimes, I can still feel him watching over me or know that he's taking care of me. The collage of pictures of my grandfather sits by my bed and i'm noticing more and more, that I forget it's there. Am I starting to forget him too? Up until now, it's been weeks since it's bothered me that he's gone...but now that I'm seeing all these other things and starting to figure out my life, he seems to be farther and farther away from me. Do I not need his help anymore? Am I drifting from my role model?
That can't possibly be since he's shaped my whole perspective on life. My whole outlook on relationships and what they should strive to be-friendship or romantic. He was the kind of guy that would have taken me to prom if I didn't have a date, the kind to buy flowers just because (eventhough he'd make it clear that they were economically frivilous).
I miss sitting in his van in the morning, waiting until I was ready to head off to school, listening to WCLO radio and grandpa going down his list of what he was going to do for the day and what had to be done at each place. He was always so good with words...
It's funny how my whole perspective has changed in just another of life's little moments.
It's an afternoon like any other and there are people all around, a lot of older ladies and gentlemen, more than I'm used to seeing. Normally this wouldn't pose any problem with me or any reaction at all. Why should it? Gazing around the room, now beginning to fill with individuals wanting their little afternoon snack or late lunch, i noticed that this large group of quite possibly parents filled with a few grandparents seemed to stay longer than the rest. (This again seems fairly logical because we college kids have hardly enough time in our schedules to even find the time to eat!) This whole situation only posed a question in my mind when I noticed one of the older gentlemen, small stature, grey hair, and upon standing I noticed that the gentleman had a slight hunch in his figure. This didn't seem to bother me at first and so I went for another spoonful of my cheddar broccoli soup. When I glanced up again, I noticed the man carrying his tray, but it wasn't that that I noticed first. His walk. His slight hunch was even more profound and he had such a large limp as if only one of his legs really worked correctly and I thought, wow, how sad that this man is carrying his tray by himself and left the group to return his tray to its proper place for discarding and none of the college students seemed to notice his possible difficulty in doing so. Now, maybe he's one of those extremely optimistic people who doesn't want help with anything or doesn't want to be bothered about his current state, but it sort of hit me. This grandfather figure, whom i'm assuming was here to visit his grandchild or pick her/him up for spring break, seemed to hit me right at the core. Not for his stature or for his walk, not for the fact that he was waiting for his child, or even the possibility of the grandparent missing their grandchild. It hit me more when I realized that I don't have mine anymore. It reminds me of when my grandfather used to wait to pick me up in the morning to go to school, the talks we'd have in the morning about life and him giving me advice, the saturday morning breakfasts and the doughnuts he'd bringfor us all to share together, how he'd smell of old spice and halls cough drops, how excited every one of our dogs was when he would arrive. For that matter, the excitement I used to have when he would arrive...
My grandfather was the most amazing person i've ever met. He's guided my life into what it is today and sometimes, I can still feel him watching over me or know that he's taking care of me. The collage of pictures of my grandfather sits by my bed and i'm noticing more and more, that I forget it's there. Am I starting to forget him too? Up until now, it's been weeks since it's bothered me that he's gone...but now that I'm seeing all these other things and starting to figure out my life, he seems to be farther and farther away from me. Do I not need his help anymore? Am I drifting from my role model?
That can't possibly be since he's shaped my whole perspective on life. My whole outlook on relationships and what they should strive to be-friendship or romantic. He was the kind of guy that would have taken me to prom if I didn't have a date, the kind to buy flowers just because (eventhough he'd make it clear that they were economically frivilous).
I miss sitting in his van in the morning, waiting until I was ready to head off to school, listening to WCLO radio and grandpa going down his list of what he was going to do for the day and what had to be done at each place. He was always so good with words...
It's funny how my whole perspective has changed in just another of life's little moments.
Monday, March 14, 2005
in honor of a certain brownie :-)
Babe,
Men are stupid and I'm extremely upset that I would let a guy get in the way of my relationship with as good a friend as you have been to me. I should have listened to you (and everyone else who saw it). Thanks so much for being here to defend me when people say those things about me. You're so much more to me than any man... (exceptions being mainly my father...)
My Soc. buddy...come back to me!
missin you,
~kitten
Men are stupid and I'm extremely upset that I would let a guy get in the way of my relationship with as good a friend as you have been to me. I should have listened to you (and everyone else who saw it). Thanks so much for being here to defend me when people say those things about me. You're so much more to me than any man... (exceptions being mainly my father...)
My Soc. buddy...come back to me!
missin you,
~kitten
Sunday, March 13, 2005
Last Night/She said/Oh baby i feel so down
Details? We went, we partied, we left. "Why are you leaving?!" "I'm not getting hit on enough!" HA.
Qdoba...FUN FUN, but not when you've had a few, at least remember to add salsa to your stupid burrito...
LACE-great to see you, I had an amazing time at lunch, i soooo miss you!!! We need to get together more often when I'm in the ville.
ELIZABETH-can't wait to see you on tuesday and I'm getting nervous about the hair!!!! Talk to you soon girl! Miss you much!
On a happier note, i overheard this girl at the library talking to her friend about how there's only 62 days until her graduation. Can you believe that?!?!?!? 62?!?!?! Only 62 more days that I'll have to deal with your shit...
Drop the Drama...it isnt worth your time to try and break me
:-)
Qdoba...FUN FUN, but not when you've had a few, at least remember to add salsa to your stupid burrito...
LACE-great to see you, I had an amazing time at lunch, i soooo miss you!!! We need to get together more often when I'm in the ville.
ELIZABETH-can't wait to see you on tuesday and I'm getting nervous about the hair!!!! Talk to you soon girl! Miss you much!
On a happier note, i overheard this girl at the library talking to her friend about how there's only 62 days until her graduation. Can you believe that?!?!?!? 62?!?!?! Only 62 more days that I'll have to deal with your shit...
Drop the Drama...it isnt worth your time to try and break me
:-)
Friday, March 11, 2005
Attn: Avid Readers
this is a post....posted only for the people who avidly check everyday--SHANNON--and expect me to have insight into just about everything, LOL. I do my best...
Girls with UGG boots and streatch pants tucked in...usually long hair and those annoying huge ass bags hanging off of their shoulder over their North Face Jacket (usually including fur around the collar)...ladies, take it from me...ya just look stupid.
There's an entire clan of you...have you missed the memo that regardless of the fact that Paris Hilton, Pamela Anderson, and Kate Hudson all wear them, they are STILL hideous and a complete fashion disgust. Did I mention that it IS possible to remove that cell phone from your ear as well? There are people in the real world that you could probably talk to if you weren't already so into yourself... You sadden me...
Alright people...its NOT cool to walk up Bascom Hill holding hands with your significant other trying to have a meaningful conversation while i'm on my way to class...
I gotta tell ya ladies, i'm not sure what the point is of putting on all that makeup when you wear your scrubby clothes to class..if you're trying to impress someone...you're probably not. Secondly if you're at class to try to impress someone in general while you're at class...maybe you should remember that you pay thousands of dollars to go here to get an EDUCATION. On that note, DON'T TALK during MY LECTURE when I'M trying to get an education damn it. And to go off on that, don't beg the teacher not to grade certain problems of the homework because YOU didn't understand them...for crying out loud, we're not in 7th grade...get over the fact that you don't know what you're doing and should have gone in to see the professor to talk about the homework. It's your own damn fault and at this level in the game, she doesn't give a damn.
On a happier note, I'm going out tonight and totally can't wait to wear my blue pumps! (thats right bitches!!!!) Cat's gonna look HOT tonight!!!! (well...to the best of my ability, which doesn't count for much...)
Girls with UGG boots and streatch pants tucked in...usually long hair and those annoying huge ass bags hanging off of their shoulder over their North Face Jacket (usually including fur around the collar)...ladies, take it from me...ya just look stupid.
There's an entire clan of you...have you missed the memo that regardless of the fact that Paris Hilton, Pamela Anderson, and Kate Hudson all wear them, they are STILL hideous and a complete fashion disgust. Did I mention that it IS possible to remove that cell phone from your ear as well? There are people in the real world that you could probably talk to if you weren't already so into yourself... You sadden me...
Alright people...its NOT cool to walk up Bascom Hill holding hands with your significant other trying to have a meaningful conversation while i'm on my way to class...
I gotta tell ya ladies, i'm not sure what the point is of putting on all that makeup when you wear your scrubby clothes to class..if you're trying to impress someone...you're probably not. Secondly if you're at class to try to impress someone in general while you're at class...maybe you should remember that you pay thousands of dollars to go here to get an EDUCATION. On that note, DON'T TALK during MY LECTURE when I'M trying to get an education damn it. And to go off on that, don't beg the teacher not to grade certain problems of the homework because YOU didn't understand them...for crying out loud, we're not in 7th grade...get over the fact that you don't know what you're doing and should have gone in to see the professor to talk about the homework. It's your own damn fault and at this level in the game, she doesn't give a damn.
On a happier note, I'm going out tonight and totally can't wait to wear my blue pumps! (thats right bitches!!!!) Cat's gonna look HOT tonight!!!! (well...to the best of my ability, which doesn't count for much...)
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Streets of Madison
I absolutely love looking out the window in the Ogg Hall rom that I call home. Our huge ass window overlooking Gordon Commons and Johnson Street where you can see the Vilas Building, Humanities, U Square, We can see the Two Towers and the Roundhouse right from our window...gotta love that.
So I'm sitting in my room and looking out the window, noticing all of the fastpaced life around me...the people walking on the streets, the cars breezing down Johnson St. and down University Ave. The bus stopping every couple of minutes to pick up the next bunch of people. Everyone else seems to have these clear distinct paths, set out to accomplish their goals.
I'm just sorta hangin in my room, writing about life. This really is what I want to do with my life, yet I know that the chances of that are extremely unlikely. I love writing about those random little everyday occurances that seem to tweek something in your life, good or bad. Those random people that smile at you while you walk to class, the person who says hi to you in the line while you're waiting for your Latte at Starbucks, or the person who asks to sit with you for lunch...those are the kinds of things that just completely change your entire outlook on life. In a city like this, its hard to feel connected when everyone has their own set plan and they don't have the time to give you 5 minutes. We've all got our busy schedules, but its the little things like that that seem to matter. As a whole, the people around here are cold, but when you talk one on one with them, they're all just like you. Down to earth, easy-going, love good conversation.
Side note: Thanks everyone for commenting on the past few posts. You have no idea how much that means to me. I love you all...
So I'm sitting in my room and looking out the window, noticing all of the fastpaced life around me...the people walking on the streets, the cars breezing down Johnson St. and down University Ave. The bus stopping every couple of minutes to pick up the next bunch of people. Everyone else seems to have these clear distinct paths, set out to accomplish their goals.
I'm just sorta hangin in my room, writing about life. This really is what I want to do with my life, yet I know that the chances of that are extremely unlikely. I love writing about those random little everyday occurances that seem to tweek something in your life, good or bad. Those random people that smile at you while you walk to class, the person who says hi to you in the line while you're waiting for your Latte at Starbucks, or the person who asks to sit with you for lunch...those are the kinds of things that just completely change your entire outlook on life. In a city like this, its hard to feel connected when everyone has their own set plan and they don't have the time to give you 5 minutes. We've all got our busy schedules, but its the little things like that that seem to matter. As a whole, the people around here are cold, but when you talk one on one with them, they're all just like you. Down to earth, easy-going, love good conversation.
Side note: Thanks everyone for commenting on the past few posts. You have no idea how much that means to me. I love you all...
Monday, March 07, 2005
For those who mourne
Emily Kletzein
you're in a better place now hun. Far from harm and danger. Let us remember you as you once were, happy and carefree, living up life and full of suprises. May your friends not mourne your death, but rejoice for the impact you left on their lives and the friendship you gave. Rest in peace.
you're in a better place now hun. Far from harm and danger. Let us remember you as you once were, happy and carefree, living up life and full of suprises. May your friends not mourne your death, but rejoice for the impact you left on their lives and the friendship you gave. Rest in peace.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
what was i thinking?
what on earth is going through my head? Yes, I'll look at your pictures...why didn't I suspect that there might be pictures of YOU there...
i didn't need to see that. Everything's been smooth sailing until now...i guess i didn't really need the confirmation that things are different now and that you're not around. Maybe I thought I could just be angry and mask the fact that I'm hurt. How could you possibly do that to me? How can ANYONE do that period?
Vieve...I'm not sure what I'd do without you...I've handled this whole thing really well up until now...
thanks for the advice, babe. "he's a fool not worth the time"and "fools often go for the fake chicks"
Too bad I cared about you...
i didn't need to see that. Everything's been smooth sailing until now...i guess i didn't really need the confirmation that things are different now and that you're not around. Maybe I thought I could just be angry and mask the fact that I'm hurt. How could you possibly do that to me? How can ANYONE do that period?
Vieve...I'm not sure what I'd do without you...I've handled this whole thing really well up until now...
thanks for the advice, babe. "he's a fool not worth the time"and "fools often go for the fake chicks"
Too bad I cared about you...
Today its all Random
so it's been awhile since i've written in here and seriously there is just TOO MUCH drama going on. I'm sitting around in my underwear trying to figure out where everything's gotten so astray but here's the general news short update: no word on the ipod, still waiting for my stephen grapelli cd, missing my violin, and living up the single life...sorta.
two points for honesty...? Sometimes I wonder if honesty really is the way to go. Sure, it makes things easier in the long run, but most people don't find my honesty to be all that...tactful. I seem to recieve that comment far too often for it to maybe be a good thing. Sure, you'd gain two points for honesty in a relationship, but in life, is honesty really the best quality? Nobody seems to care at all...
saw this in a profile and thought i'd add a bit of my own...
I AM: pessimistic
I WANT: to be insightful
I HAVE: amazing friends
I WISH: i was out of school
I HATE: the fact that I'm the nice one at heart that seems to care more about everyone else than they care about me
I FEAR: being alone for the rest of my life (but sometimes i think it might be easier/better that way.)
I HEAR: Follow the Light by Travis
I WONDER: what my purpose is
I REGRET: making you miserable (...sorry)
I LOVE: JENN of course!
~~DO YOU...?~~
HAVE A CRUSH: oh should i really answer that? yes...
WANT TO GET MARRIED: who knows?
WANT TO HAVE KIDS: still up in the air on that one..
THINK YOURE A HEALTH FREAK: depends on the mood
LIKE THUNDERSTORMS: of course!
BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: can't say that i do...
BELIEVE IN GOD: philosophy is fucking me over on that one...cause i'm not sure anymore. You'd think I do b/c of the tattoo...we'll see about that one.
BELIEVE THAT THERE IS A REASON FOR EVERYTHING: "...part of the secret of heaven: that each affects the other and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." from Mitch Albom's The 5 People you Meet In Heaven
--even if God doesn't exist, I still think there is a reason that certain people meet and a reason that certain things happen.
I'll know what I don't know with nothin more to gain
Will I get better or stay the same
I find I always move to slowly
Can't lift a finger, can't change my mind
I never knew till someone told me that...
If that's all you will be, you'll be a waste of time
You've dreamed a thousand dreams, none seem to stick in your mind
Two points for honesty...
two points for honesty...? Sometimes I wonder if honesty really is the way to go. Sure, it makes things easier in the long run, but most people don't find my honesty to be all that...tactful. I seem to recieve that comment far too often for it to maybe be a good thing. Sure, you'd gain two points for honesty in a relationship, but in life, is honesty really the best quality? Nobody seems to care at all...
saw this in a profile and thought i'd add a bit of my own...
I AM: pessimistic
I WANT: to be insightful
I HAVE: amazing friends
I WISH: i was out of school
I HATE: the fact that I'm the nice one at heart that seems to care more about everyone else than they care about me
I FEAR: being alone for the rest of my life (but sometimes i think it might be easier/better that way.)
I HEAR: Follow the Light by Travis
I WONDER: what my purpose is
I REGRET: making you miserable (...sorry)
I LOVE: JENN of course!
~~DO YOU...?~~
HAVE A CRUSH: oh should i really answer that? yes...
WANT TO GET MARRIED: who knows?
WANT TO HAVE KIDS: still up in the air on that one..
THINK YOURE A HEALTH FREAK: depends on the mood
LIKE THUNDERSTORMS: of course!
BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: can't say that i do...
BELIEVE IN GOD: philosophy is fucking me over on that one...cause i'm not sure anymore. You'd think I do b/c of the tattoo...we'll see about that one.
BELIEVE THAT THERE IS A REASON FOR EVERYTHING: "...part of the secret of heaven: that each affects the other and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." from Mitch Albom's The 5 People you Meet In Heaven
--even if God doesn't exist, I still think there is a reason that certain people meet and a reason that certain things happen.
I'll know what I don't know with nothin more to gain
Will I get better or stay the same
I find I always move to slowly
Can't lift a finger, can't change my mind
I never knew till someone told me that...
If that's all you will be, you'll be a waste of time
You've dreamed a thousand dreams, none seem to stick in your mind
Two points for honesty...
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Clarity
I worry, I weigh three times my body
I worry, I throw my fear around
But this morning, there's a calm I can't explain
The rock here has melted, only diamonds now remain
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
By the time I recognize this moment
This moment will be gone
But I will bend the light, pretend that it somehow lingered on
Well all I got's
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will pay no mind
When I won't and it won't cause it can't
It just can't
It's not supposed to
Is there a second in time that I looked around
Did I sail through or drop my anchor down
Is anything enough to kiss the ground
And say I'm here now and she's here now
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
So much wasted in the afternoon
So much sacred in the month of June
How bout you
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
That it won't and it won't it won't
And I will pay no mind
worry about the way the weather
And I will waste no time
Remembering our life together
That song used to be the first thing I'd listen to on my morning run and it really cleared my head-gave me some sort of new perspective on life that I'm not really sure I can explain. It's so true "by the time I recognize this moment, this moment will be gone." Everything goes so fast and we hardly even recognize the little moments in life. Walking to class and you pass that girl on her cell phone wondering what she's talking about and realizing that your own life might not be so bad when you overhear her say that she's so angry and upset. "Is anything enough to kiss the ground and say I'm here now?" is yet another line I often wonder about. Is there anything worth being so happy about in life to just it out to the world? I guess it seems, at least to me, that no matter what happens, something is going to happen to mess things up in some way or another, therefore, why really get excited about anything? "And I will wait to find, if this will last forever, and I will wait to find that it wont and it wont because it can't..." There are so many things like that in life. You can never plan anything out or have any expectations since they're more than likely just going to get ruined in the long run. Never get too attached to anything, or you'll be waiting to the inevitable-that it can't last forever.
I'm sure a lot of my feelings from this song just happen to be because of the orchestration of the piece, I love the beginning and I love the Ohhhhh in the middle and between the chorus and new verses. It definately rates up there on Cat's top 10 list. And I guess a lot of the song too just has to do with how you interpret it, it can be a very positive thing and it also can be very negative to think about. It can't happen, so why worry about it? is the best thing to take from it I suppose. Take the memories you have and store them because they won't last forever. But then there's that very pessimistic side to just be like "well it isnt going to happen, so dwell upon it."
I miss those long morning runs before school, before rehearsal, when it was still dark out and I was the only one out...so easy to clear my head before the day started and just let all my worries out of my head. Those were probably some of my best high school days I suppose. It's so nice to feel cleared of everything going on and just let out some feelings with the run. For lack of better wording, It's amazing to feel that clarified state of mind and body.
I worry, I throw my fear around
But this morning, there's a calm I can't explain
The rock here has melted, only diamonds now remain
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
By the time I recognize this moment
This moment will be gone
But I will bend the light, pretend that it somehow lingered on
Well all I got's
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will pay no mind
When I won't and it won't cause it can't
It just can't
It's not supposed to
Is there a second in time that I looked around
Did I sail through or drop my anchor down
Is anything enough to kiss the ground
And say I'm here now and she's here now
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
So much wasted in the afternoon
So much sacred in the month of June
How bout you
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
That it won't and it won't it won't
And I will pay no mind
worry about the way the weather
And I will waste no time
Remembering our life together
That song used to be the first thing I'd listen to on my morning run and it really cleared my head-gave me some sort of new perspective on life that I'm not really sure I can explain. It's so true "by the time I recognize this moment, this moment will be gone." Everything goes so fast and we hardly even recognize the little moments in life. Walking to class and you pass that girl on her cell phone wondering what she's talking about and realizing that your own life might not be so bad when you overhear her say that she's so angry and upset. "Is anything enough to kiss the ground and say I'm here now?" is yet another line I often wonder about. Is there anything worth being so happy about in life to just it out to the world? I guess it seems, at least to me, that no matter what happens, something is going to happen to mess things up in some way or another, therefore, why really get excited about anything? "And I will wait to find, if this will last forever, and I will wait to find that it wont and it wont because it can't..." There are so many things like that in life. You can never plan anything out or have any expectations since they're more than likely just going to get ruined in the long run. Never get too attached to anything, or you'll be waiting to the inevitable-that it can't last forever.
I'm sure a lot of my feelings from this song just happen to be because of the orchestration of the piece, I love the beginning and I love the Ohhhhh in the middle and between the chorus and new verses. It definately rates up there on Cat's top 10 list. And I guess a lot of the song too just has to do with how you interpret it, it can be a very positive thing and it also can be very negative to think about. It can't happen, so why worry about it? is the best thing to take from it I suppose. Take the memories you have and store them because they won't last forever. But then there's that very pessimistic side to just be like "well it isnt going to happen, so dwell upon it."
I miss those long morning runs before school, before rehearsal, when it was still dark out and I was the only one out...so easy to clear my head before the day started and just let all my worries out of my head. Those were probably some of my best high school days I suppose. It's so nice to feel cleared of everything going on and just let out some feelings with the run. For lack of better wording, It's amazing to feel that clarified state of mind and body.
Long nights...
Alright, so I know what everyone who avidly reads my blog is looking for in this one...all of the gory details and well...I'm just not dishing all of it. Not my style. A lot of what this blog is about could probably have been written about numerous people i've dated so i won't specify by names, some of it is person specific and you'll be able to figure that out when you read it as well.
I'm suddenly thinking that I have unfinished business with you and I'm not realloy sure why. I'm not sure why you're on my mind right now and why I would care if we're on good terms or not for that matter. You're the first person who ever made me feel like an object, quite possibly like a consolation prize for what you thought wasn't possible, but if I was such a prize to you, you should have treated me like one in the first place...
I went through so much shit for you. I was there when you needed me and I was the one who comforted you like a friend when you broke your ankle. Phoned until all hours of the morning and brought you flowers. YOu were my first kiss the first guy I fooled around with, my first real date, and you took my virginity. I didn't want it to be this way, but you treated me so badly and it never seemed to get any better. No matter what I did, I wasn't good enough to meet your father or his side fo the family. We couldn't be together on some weekends because you were with him and that devestated me at the time. You loved me, but I wasn't good enough to meet your father...? That just doesn't make sense to me.
After all the mess of the breakup I found out from a friend that your plan was to propose that christmas and I just immediately broke down and cried. How was I supposed to take that? Things were hardly getting better between us, but you loved me and that's what you wanted. I broke your heart completely...but long afterwards you still kept on loving me...
It pains me to see that that's somehow still the case...
After that whole mess and a year later, I had my heart broken once again...this one everyone seems to know about and it pains everyone I seem to discuss it with. The reasons were so stupid and frivilous....you really only were thinking of yourself and that pains me so much because a relationship is supposed to be about compromise and work. I guess I should have been more honest about how I felt in this situation and not waited so long to tell you...i do regret that, however, that's probably the one time I was true to my word and waited long enough to know that I was truly "in love." My biggest mistake, but I guess maybe it also had a lot to do with our lack of communication. We never were very good at just talking things through...
And now I'm here. Gone through what I thought was going to go for quite a long time...and now i'm alone again. I can't say that I'm mad about being by myself after everything that happened through this one either. Everything seemed to be fine and I lost a lot of signs in the middle as well. I'm an analyzer...what can I say. You say something and I remember hearing it, twist it around into a million different scenarios and finally come up with what I really think you meant. I guess guys aren't that complex really. This one seems to just be out to spread his seed...and I don't mean figuratively ladies...
I have my own assumptions about relationships these days. It's about time that kitten was single for awhile I think...I'm all cool with being friends and dating around, nothing serious, nothing romantic, nothing more than friendly dates. See, there's a distinct difference between "dating around" and "sleeping around" and the latter is just not my style. If something presents itself, I'd be more than willing to try it out...going slow (as intended with the last one, but look at how that turned out...slow does not mean an open relationship...!!). Ladies, keep your men as friends first...or do the dating thing but gain the friendship first. If you can't talk about something with your significant other, it just doesn't mean anything and won't amount to anything (no matter how much you want it to). Ya know, I had my guard up before...and that never seems to get me anywhere. I'm not saying I'm just going to be in this frenzy of hatred for men (or boys as most of them generally are...) but what I am saying is that it's going to take me a long time to trust people as I would have before. It's not as easy as it was years ago to get involved. College men (again...can be referred to as boys...) seem to have the wrong impression of dating...trying to fill a quota almost. I for one am strong enough to stand up for that and know that it isnt the way I want my life to be. Mistakes may happen, yes, but I'm not going to be one to sit back and let it happen again. And for that matter, I'm also firey enough to not put up with that shit. I don't take shit from too many people and I'm certainly not going to put up with it from some asshole who can't keep his pants zipped.
I'm secure enough with myself to know who I am, know what I'm looking for, and know what I'm going to put up with or not. At this point, it's going to be pretty simple for me to just say "fuck it" when it isnt working. I'm not going to try to work through my bitchy moments because anyone who knows anything about me knows that I go through those spells when I just get bitchy and there's just not much you can do about them. Very few people tame me from them, thats for sure.
All in all, I feel better than I have in weeks and things really are better this way. Things happen for strange reasons and you meet certain people for a reason. I have all the freedom right now to fly.....
"she's trying to evolve, just trying to evolve"
I'm suddenly thinking that I have unfinished business with you and I'm not realloy sure why. I'm not sure why you're on my mind right now and why I would care if we're on good terms or not for that matter. You're the first person who ever made me feel like an object, quite possibly like a consolation prize for what you thought wasn't possible, but if I was such a prize to you, you should have treated me like one in the first place...
I went through so much shit for you. I was there when you needed me and I was the one who comforted you like a friend when you broke your ankle. Phoned until all hours of the morning and brought you flowers. YOu were my first kiss the first guy I fooled around with, my first real date, and you took my virginity. I didn't want it to be this way, but you treated me so badly and it never seemed to get any better. No matter what I did, I wasn't good enough to meet your father or his side fo the family. We couldn't be together on some weekends because you were with him and that devestated me at the time. You loved me, but I wasn't good enough to meet your father...? That just doesn't make sense to me.
After all the mess of the breakup I found out from a friend that your plan was to propose that christmas and I just immediately broke down and cried. How was I supposed to take that? Things were hardly getting better between us, but you loved me and that's what you wanted. I broke your heart completely...but long afterwards you still kept on loving me...
It pains me to see that that's somehow still the case...
After that whole mess and a year later, I had my heart broken once again...this one everyone seems to know about and it pains everyone I seem to discuss it with. The reasons were so stupid and frivilous....you really only were thinking of yourself and that pains me so much because a relationship is supposed to be about compromise and work. I guess I should have been more honest about how I felt in this situation and not waited so long to tell you...i do regret that, however, that's probably the one time I was true to my word and waited long enough to know that I was truly "in love." My biggest mistake, but I guess maybe it also had a lot to do with our lack of communication. We never were very good at just talking things through...
And now I'm here. Gone through what I thought was going to go for quite a long time...and now i'm alone again. I can't say that I'm mad about being by myself after everything that happened through this one either. Everything seemed to be fine and I lost a lot of signs in the middle as well. I'm an analyzer...what can I say. You say something and I remember hearing it, twist it around into a million different scenarios and finally come up with what I really think you meant. I guess guys aren't that complex really. This one seems to just be out to spread his seed...and I don't mean figuratively ladies...
I have my own assumptions about relationships these days. It's about time that kitten was single for awhile I think...I'm all cool with being friends and dating around, nothing serious, nothing romantic, nothing more than friendly dates. See, there's a distinct difference between "dating around" and "sleeping around" and the latter is just not my style. If something presents itself, I'd be more than willing to try it out...going slow (as intended with the last one, but look at how that turned out...slow does not mean an open relationship...!!). Ladies, keep your men as friends first...or do the dating thing but gain the friendship first. If you can't talk about something with your significant other, it just doesn't mean anything and won't amount to anything (no matter how much you want it to). Ya know, I had my guard up before...and that never seems to get me anywhere. I'm not saying I'm just going to be in this frenzy of hatred for men (or boys as most of them generally are...) but what I am saying is that it's going to take me a long time to trust people as I would have before. It's not as easy as it was years ago to get involved. College men (again...can be referred to as boys...) seem to have the wrong impression of dating...trying to fill a quota almost. I for one am strong enough to stand up for that and know that it isnt the way I want my life to be. Mistakes may happen, yes, but I'm not going to be one to sit back and let it happen again. And for that matter, I'm also firey enough to not put up with that shit. I don't take shit from too many people and I'm certainly not going to put up with it from some asshole who can't keep his pants zipped.
I'm secure enough with myself to know who I am, know what I'm looking for, and know what I'm going to put up with or not. At this point, it's going to be pretty simple for me to just say "fuck it" when it isnt working. I'm not going to try to work through my bitchy moments because anyone who knows anything about me knows that I go through those spells when I just get bitchy and there's just not much you can do about them. Very few people tame me from them, thats for sure.
All in all, I feel better than I have in weeks and things really are better this way. Things happen for strange reasons and you meet certain people for a reason. I have all the freedom right now to fly.....
"she's trying to evolve, just trying to evolve"
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