Adam,

Yes, it's that time when I get to write to you. Adam. Oh Adam. What am I even going to say about this one? I guess I'll start from the beginning. Isn't that what people do? Tell their story. I'm going to tell ours.

It was a hectic weekend. I had gone to Janesville just in the middle of the semester, November. Needed a haircut that I had gotten earlier that morning. Saturday. Janesville Public Library--Hedburg Public Library. The study place of choice in Janesville because there's absolutely nowhere else and this is pre-starbucks. They're still doing construction on the lower level. That means no coffee. Damn, I needed it. I had been sitting at the library for a few hours. Little ibook sitting out on the table all cute by the window overlooking the scenery. The rock river flowing fast and steady through the background through the window. I was in the very back of the library. I had noticed a few messages over the intercom about the children's meeting starting in the children's section, but didn't think much of it, at least, not until you mentioned it. I did however, notice you walk in. Those pj's I'd seen you wear so often and that hat. The grey hat. I'm sure that you were wearing it. It's the same hat you'd later wear to the family christmas party at my house. I was working on an English paper--English 167 to be exact. It was my first college paper. And you...I remember you sitting at the table in front of me. I remember that I had tried to look cute that morning, but now I don't remember why. The library's not the place to meet people, not in Janesville. The haircut? Maybe. We'll never know... I remember the grey wool jacket you wore that day, and the messenger bag slung over your shoulder--the one I often times remembered you wearing across the same shoulder as you'd fastily bike to class after we'd both be late waking up. The library...yes, we were in the library. The message came on again, "The children's book reading will be starting in 10 minutes in the Children's reading room" or something like that...I don't remember what it said, but I remember it bothering me. You turned around. We both had that strange look on our faces like, "Isn't this supposed to be a library?!" Yes, it was. Not a dating service. It happened again..."The children's book reading will be starting in 5 minutes..." Again, you turn around, only this time, we chat a little about it. I noticed you checking your WiscMail, but didn't mention it. Perhaps you were a TA. You looked older, but how old? I couldn't tell. You asked what I was working on. Where I went to school. About the Coletrain CD's sitting on the desk in front of me. It's all so vivid to me now. That moment of you leaning over your chair asking about me and me asking about you. That's when I found out that you were Adam. Adam Haese. Your screen name...yes, you were getting on AIM. Adamj61 Yes...that will forever be engrained in my head. (ingrained maybe? note to self: look that up...) I remember not being able to get anything done, strangely drawn to you, yet I needed to leave. I had a paper to write! I needed to get out. Why was I so worried about this guy asking for my screen name and my name and what I did? I'm not sure. But I remember telling my mother everything when I got home. Instantly I was on AIM as well. What was I thinking?! I had his screen name and he had mine, but...? You IM'ed me...or was it me who IM'd you. I'm not sure, that's all a blur now. But we talked that afternoon. And a few days later. And finally made plans since you were a music junkie just like me. You saxaphone, Me violin. I had an audition coming up. The School of Music. My dream. My future. What I'd been working all my life for. I needed to practice that day. Everyday. I remember I had a lesson on the day I met you. Was it before or after? I'm not so sure now...after I think. Regardless, we made plans for me to come over a few days before my audition with everything set up so that I could showcase my work. Showcase. Yes, I was good enough to show off for others now. Hours upon hours in a practice room. Two to Three hours every day. The pressure to keep up my skills, the hours of icing my hands afterwards. I didn't care. I knew I was ruining them, slowly ruining them, but I had to. This was what I'd worked for every day in my life. The music. It was all about the music. It always has been.
I made my best friend drive me to your house that night. You were cooking dinner when we arrived. Your apartment was sort of messy. Not unclean, just a bit out of place. The old couch that sunk and had hardly any structure as you'd lie on it. That god awful brown plaid couch from the 70's. But, we had some great times on that couch. I watched my first full episode of Seinfeld on that couch after I gave you the first season as a gift on your birthday in January of the next year. I sat with your cousin as he tried to sleep on that couch. I entertained your cousin when you were in the other room with the pictures on my computer as you were trying to do things in your room. Only now do I realize what you were probably doing in that room with the door closed. That night, the night I first went to your house. I got out my instrument. Tuned. Played my two pieces with utmost beauty and passion as if I was really playing for the audition and all the while, you watched. You commented. You gave me constructive criticism and said that I was very good. Nothing I hadn't heard before. It was crunch time though and I wondered when I was going to get home to do more practicing for the night. Jenn was wrestless. She needed a cigarette while on the phone with one of our friends, Becci. Adam and I were alone. Alone for the first time. You were sitting on the floor. I can't put my finger on it just yet, what were you wearing? Oh, I don't remember...something comfortable, some sort of lounging around pants--you were notorious for those--and a plain old t-shirt. Something worn in--something you'd had for awhile. I couldn't believe someone like this was from Janesville. Oddly cultured, and from Janesville? Hmm....I wondered the motives of this boy. Was he just lying to me? I didn't mind. It all sounded wonderful in my naieve little head. If only I had known then... I sat down on the floor with you after you beckoned me forward. I wondered why you weren't sitting on the couch or chair across your small living room. We sat together, just talking. Then you leaned in. I wasn't sure what you were doing at first, but you leaned in and kissed me. You kissed me. That felt electric, but why? I knew I'd thought you were cute the moment I walked into your apartment before, and all of the talk of music? It's awful to get an idea like that into my head. You knew the theory I had learned in High School. I could talk to you about chord structure, the dominant fifth, progressions, scales, modes, you named it. Anything in beginning theory I was game to talk about. That was all really hot to me at the time. We heard Jenn come in....she wanted to leave. Adam offered to let me stay there and practice for awhile while his friend came over to help with the meal he was cooking for his class. Botony 240-Plants and Man. What was his name again? That friend of yours....It'll come. Everything comes with time.



I need to get to sleep. It's almost 1. Make this a work in progress...