I worry, I weigh three times my body
I worry, I throw my fear around
But this morning, there's a calm I can't explain
The rock here has melted, only diamonds now remain
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
By the time I recognize this moment
This moment will be gone
But I will bend the light, pretend that it somehow lingered on
Well all I got's
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will pay no mind
When I won't and it won't cause it can't
It just can't
It's not supposed to
Is there a second in time that I looked around
Did I sail through or drop my anchor down
Is anything enough to kiss the ground
And say I'm here now and she's here now
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
So much wasted in the afternoon
So much sacred in the month of June
How bout you
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
That it won't and it won't it won't
And I will pay no mind
worry about the way the weather
And I will waste no time
Remembering our life together
That song used to be the first thing I'd listen to on my morning run and it really cleared my head-gave me some sort of new perspective on life that I'm not really sure I can explain. It's so true "by the time I recognize this moment, this moment will be gone." Everything goes so fast and we hardly even recognize the little moments in life. Walking to class and you pass that girl on her cell phone wondering what she's talking about and realizing that your own life might not be so bad when you overhear her say that she's so angry and upset. "Is anything enough to kiss the ground and say I'm here now?" is yet another line I often wonder about. Is there anything worth being so happy about in life to just it out to the world? I guess it seems, at least to me, that no matter what happens, something is going to happen to mess things up in some way or another, therefore, why really get excited about anything? "And I will wait to find, if this will last forever, and I will wait to find that it wont and it wont because it can't..." There are so many things like that in life. You can never plan anything out or have any expectations since they're more than likely just going to get ruined in the long run. Never get too attached to anything, or you'll be waiting to the inevitable-that it can't last forever.
I'm sure a lot of my feelings from this song just happen to be because of the orchestration of the piece, I love the beginning and I love the Ohhhhh in the middle and between the chorus and new verses. It definately rates up there on Cat's top 10 list. And I guess a lot of the song too just has to do with how you interpret it, it can be a very positive thing and it also can be very negative to think about. It can't happen, so why worry about it? is the best thing to take from it I suppose. Take the memories you have and store them because they won't last forever. But then there's that very pessimistic side to just be like "well it isnt going to happen, so dwell upon it."
I miss those long morning runs before school, before rehearsal, when it was still dark out and I was the only one out...so easy to clear my head before the day started and just let all my worries out of my head. Those were probably some of my best high school days I suppose. It's so nice to feel cleared of everything going on and just let out some feelings with the run. For lack of better wording, It's amazing to feel that clarified state of mind and body.
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Long nights...
Alright, so I know what everyone who avidly reads my blog is looking for in this one...all of the gory details and well...I'm just not dishing all of it. Not my style. A lot of what this blog is about could probably have been written about numerous people i've dated so i won't specify by names, some of it is person specific and you'll be able to figure that out when you read it as well.
I'm suddenly thinking that I have unfinished business with you and I'm not realloy sure why. I'm not sure why you're on my mind right now and why I would care if we're on good terms or not for that matter. You're the first person who ever made me feel like an object, quite possibly like a consolation prize for what you thought wasn't possible, but if I was such a prize to you, you should have treated me like one in the first place...
I went through so much shit for you. I was there when you needed me and I was the one who comforted you like a friend when you broke your ankle. Phoned until all hours of the morning and brought you flowers. YOu were my first kiss the first guy I fooled around with, my first real date, and you took my virginity. I didn't want it to be this way, but you treated me so badly and it never seemed to get any better. No matter what I did, I wasn't good enough to meet your father or his side fo the family. We couldn't be together on some weekends because you were with him and that devestated me at the time. You loved me, but I wasn't good enough to meet your father...? That just doesn't make sense to me.
After all the mess of the breakup I found out from a friend that your plan was to propose that christmas and I just immediately broke down and cried. How was I supposed to take that? Things were hardly getting better between us, but you loved me and that's what you wanted. I broke your heart completely...but long afterwards you still kept on loving me...
It pains me to see that that's somehow still the case...
After that whole mess and a year later, I had my heart broken once again...this one everyone seems to know about and it pains everyone I seem to discuss it with. The reasons were so stupid and frivilous....you really only were thinking of yourself and that pains me so much because a relationship is supposed to be about compromise and work. I guess I should have been more honest about how I felt in this situation and not waited so long to tell you...i do regret that, however, that's probably the one time I was true to my word and waited long enough to know that I was truly "in love." My biggest mistake, but I guess maybe it also had a lot to do with our lack of communication. We never were very good at just talking things through...
And now I'm here. Gone through what I thought was going to go for quite a long time...and now i'm alone again. I can't say that I'm mad about being by myself after everything that happened through this one either. Everything seemed to be fine and I lost a lot of signs in the middle as well. I'm an analyzer...what can I say. You say something and I remember hearing it, twist it around into a million different scenarios and finally come up with what I really think you meant. I guess guys aren't that complex really. This one seems to just be out to spread his seed...and I don't mean figuratively ladies...
I have my own assumptions about relationships these days. It's about time that kitten was single for awhile I think...I'm all cool with being friends and dating around, nothing serious, nothing romantic, nothing more than friendly dates. See, there's a distinct difference between "dating around" and "sleeping around" and the latter is just not my style. If something presents itself, I'd be more than willing to try it out...going slow (as intended with the last one, but look at how that turned out...slow does not mean an open relationship...!!). Ladies, keep your men as friends first...or do the dating thing but gain the friendship first. If you can't talk about something with your significant other, it just doesn't mean anything and won't amount to anything (no matter how much you want it to). Ya know, I had my guard up before...and that never seems to get me anywhere. I'm not saying I'm just going to be in this frenzy of hatred for men (or boys as most of them generally are...) but what I am saying is that it's going to take me a long time to trust people as I would have before. It's not as easy as it was years ago to get involved. College men (again...can be referred to as boys...) seem to have the wrong impression of dating...trying to fill a quota almost. I for one am strong enough to stand up for that and know that it isnt the way I want my life to be. Mistakes may happen, yes, but I'm not going to be one to sit back and let it happen again. And for that matter, I'm also firey enough to not put up with that shit. I don't take shit from too many people and I'm certainly not going to put up with it from some asshole who can't keep his pants zipped.
I'm secure enough with myself to know who I am, know what I'm looking for, and know what I'm going to put up with or not. At this point, it's going to be pretty simple for me to just say "fuck it" when it isnt working. I'm not going to try to work through my bitchy moments because anyone who knows anything about me knows that I go through those spells when I just get bitchy and there's just not much you can do about them. Very few people tame me from them, thats for sure.
All in all, I feel better than I have in weeks and things really are better this way. Things happen for strange reasons and you meet certain people for a reason. I have all the freedom right now to fly.....
"she's trying to evolve, just trying to evolve"
I'm suddenly thinking that I have unfinished business with you and I'm not realloy sure why. I'm not sure why you're on my mind right now and why I would care if we're on good terms or not for that matter. You're the first person who ever made me feel like an object, quite possibly like a consolation prize for what you thought wasn't possible, but if I was such a prize to you, you should have treated me like one in the first place...
I went through so much shit for you. I was there when you needed me and I was the one who comforted you like a friend when you broke your ankle. Phoned until all hours of the morning and brought you flowers. YOu were my first kiss the first guy I fooled around with, my first real date, and you took my virginity. I didn't want it to be this way, but you treated me so badly and it never seemed to get any better. No matter what I did, I wasn't good enough to meet your father or his side fo the family. We couldn't be together on some weekends because you were with him and that devestated me at the time. You loved me, but I wasn't good enough to meet your father...? That just doesn't make sense to me.
After all the mess of the breakup I found out from a friend that your plan was to propose that christmas and I just immediately broke down and cried. How was I supposed to take that? Things were hardly getting better between us, but you loved me and that's what you wanted. I broke your heart completely...but long afterwards you still kept on loving me...
It pains me to see that that's somehow still the case...
After that whole mess and a year later, I had my heart broken once again...this one everyone seems to know about and it pains everyone I seem to discuss it with. The reasons were so stupid and frivilous....you really only were thinking of yourself and that pains me so much because a relationship is supposed to be about compromise and work. I guess I should have been more honest about how I felt in this situation and not waited so long to tell you...i do regret that, however, that's probably the one time I was true to my word and waited long enough to know that I was truly "in love." My biggest mistake, but I guess maybe it also had a lot to do with our lack of communication. We never were very good at just talking things through...
And now I'm here. Gone through what I thought was going to go for quite a long time...and now i'm alone again. I can't say that I'm mad about being by myself after everything that happened through this one either. Everything seemed to be fine and I lost a lot of signs in the middle as well. I'm an analyzer...what can I say. You say something and I remember hearing it, twist it around into a million different scenarios and finally come up with what I really think you meant. I guess guys aren't that complex really. This one seems to just be out to spread his seed...and I don't mean figuratively ladies...
I have my own assumptions about relationships these days. It's about time that kitten was single for awhile I think...I'm all cool with being friends and dating around, nothing serious, nothing romantic, nothing more than friendly dates. See, there's a distinct difference between "dating around" and "sleeping around" and the latter is just not my style. If something presents itself, I'd be more than willing to try it out...going slow (as intended with the last one, but look at how that turned out...slow does not mean an open relationship...!!). Ladies, keep your men as friends first...or do the dating thing but gain the friendship first. If you can't talk about something with your significant other, it just doesn't mean anything and won't amount to anything (no matter how much you want it to). Ya know, I had my guard up before...and that never seems to get me anywhere. I'm not saying I'm just going to be in this frenzy of hatred for men (or boys as most of them generally are...) but what I am saying is that it's going to take me a long time to trust people as I would have before. It's not as easy as it was years ago to get involved. College men (again...can be referred to as boys...) seem to have the wrong impression of dating...trying to fill a quota almost. I for one am strong enough to stand up for that and know that it isnt the way I want my life to be. Mistakes may happen, yes, but I'm not going to be one to sit back and let it happen again. And for that matter, I'm also firey enough to not put up with that shit. I don't take shit from too many people and I'm certainly not going to put up with it from some asshole who can't keep his pants zipped.
I'm secure enough with myself to know who I am, know what I'm looking for, and know what I'm going to put up with or not. At this point, it's going to be pretty simple for me to just say "fuck it" when it isnt working. I'm not going to try to work through my bitchy moments because anyone who knows anything about me knows that I go through those spells when I just get bitchy and there's just not much you can do about them. Very few people tame me from them, thats for sure.
All in all, I feel better than I have in weeks and things really are better this way. Things happen for strange reasons and you meet certain people for a reason. I have all the freedom right now to fly.....
"she's trying to evolve, just trying to evolve"
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Another Day to Mope (And Rightfully So)
Well, it's getting closer and closer to Valentine's and I've gotta say, I'm just not looking forward to it. It's a stupid holiday really. Card Company Holiday. Everyone gushes over their love and thinks it is supposed to be this huge important day...call me crazy, but the stupid Valentine's stuff that's so cliche only happens at Valentine's...and I'm not sure that should really be the case. Call me crazy, but a man shouldn't make this a special evening to show that he cares. What he should be doing is taking you out on a regular basis and doing all the little cute stuff that matters consistantly. Now every woman knows that'll never happen because men are men and they get too comfortable around women after they've been with them for a certain period of time. I'm not sure exactly where that comfort zone sets in, but there's something completely awkward about it. A woman isn't going to stop being affectionate just because she's "comfortable." If anything, it's going to make her want her man even more because she's gotten to the point where she's comfortable to be with him. In a man's case, the comfortableness is just a reason for them to act like they would around their friends. The door? Forget him opening it for you. Taking your coat? Pulling out your chair? Forget that. (The latter two I've actually never experienced for myself and the former, well....that usually only happens when I have to blatantly make it obvious that they haven't done the prerequisites.) Speaking of prereq's....why is it that when men get comfortable in relationships (and i'm speaking in a general sense naturally...) they seem to forget that women enjoy all the forplay before having sex? Maybe that's supposed to be a thing of the past, but, personally, I love all the stuff that comes beforehand. That's the stuff that makes the sex intense...Ya gotta start on the right foot in order to complete the job.
On the other hand, there's something completely special about being comfortable with each other that all that little stuff doesn't seem to matter (quite as much). There's something I love about being able to sit with a man during my nastiest of hair-days, in just sweats and no makeup that makes me feel completely loved for who I am. Granted, I still love to get dressed up when I go out. It's so nice to not necessarily HAVE to look beautiful (not that I would actually look it...) in order to feel like the man is going to give you the time of day. (At least I should HOPE that's the case...)
Ladies, don't get your hopes up for Valentine's Day. It's just another day...that (in my case) will end up sucking as usual. It's all the other days of the year that matter... :-)
On the other hand, there's something completely special about being comfortable with each other that all that little stuff doesn't seem to matter (quite as much). There's something I love about being able to sit with a man during my nastiest of hair-days, in just sweats and no makeup that makes me feel completely loved for who I am. Granted, I still love to get dressed up when I go out. It's so nice to not necessarily HAVE to look beautiful (not that I would actually look it...) in order to feel like the man is going to give you the time of day. (At least I should HOPE that's the case...)
Ladies, don't get your hopes up for Valentine's Day. It's just another day...that (in my case) will end up sucking as usual. It's all the other days of the year that matter... :-)
Monday, February 07, 2005
Frou Frou
Let Go
Drink up baby down
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me too busy you're writing a tragedy
These mess-ups
You bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like
So, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
It gains the more it gives
And then advances with the form
So, honey, back for more
Can't you see that all the stuff's essential?
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later
Now you can wait
You roll your eyes
We've twenty seconds to comply
So, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's al right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
I think I may have just realized what its like to really be completely overcome with emotion...
i live for these moments...!
Drink up baby down
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me too busy you're writing a tragedy
These mess-ups
You bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like
So, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
It gains the more it gives
And then advances with the form
So, honey, back for more
Can't you see that all the stuff's essential?
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later
Now you can wait
You roll your eyes
We've twenty seconds to comply
So, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's al right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
I think I may have just realized what its like to really be completely overcome with emotion...
i live for these moments...!
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Can't Sleep...
Alright...so the title is self explanitory...obviously I'm still up...i have class at 11am and i'm completely awake at 3am..wtf?! The roomie's sleeping soundly...thank god. I'm missing Adam (sometimes i find it hard to sleep without the comfort of knowing he's in the bed next to me...) and i'm counting down the hours until tomorrow night...
There's nothing much new going on in Madison...I sucessfully read the newspaper this afternoon before starting some homework and had dinner with my roomie and Jeremiah. fun stuff...
Watched an episode of Sex in the City, which I of course loved, and i'm getting Anne hooked on it as well. She loves the character of Charlotte. Gotta love Sex...uh...in the city i mean....
So everybody...I'm going home this weekend...seems like no big deal right? Well, it really isnt. My parents are coming up Friday night for dinner and a concert in Humanities (call if you wanna join!) and off to janesvegas! Saturday is gonna be busy...workin it like a 9-5...dinner with the family afterwards, coffee with Lacy, then out with Airbear and Jenn...YAY! I haven't seen little "airon" in ages it seems and everytime i'm in town i'm f'n at Osco, so it'll be good to have some time with him to just chill. What will we do? ha, totally up in the air right now...but if you know anything about aaron, John will probably show up...and where there's aaron and john, there's bound to be some sketchy business goin down ;-)
Sunday's another day of work (of course the 9-5 shift...), dinner with the fam afterwards and a lovely trip back up to madison...! Can't wait! I haven't even left yet and I miss the atmosphere of Madison.
I miss Mackenzie and sleeping in my own bed...driving, and my jville friends, but Madison's great and in reference to the worlds of advertisement, "i'm lovin' it."
I realize I havent written in a few days and I suppose that's no excuse, but I was waiting for a few good posts from the last entry...so far no hope.
...and no hope on me being tired either...WTF?! I'm getting annoyed at the fact that its 3am and i'm completely awake. Maybe I should write my English paper now?! um...doubtful. After philosophy lecture tomorrow, i'm going to have a nice, healthy lunch and then off to work I go on James Bond. Who knew my English class would be focused around James Bond and espionage film? Pretty sweet, right?? The roomie's is on advertisement and my favorite person on 5's topic is comics. (sorry for the rest of you 5ers, but you just don't add up!) After a long hard day of finishing my (slightly pointless) paper for English, I'm going to Adam's to spend a lovely evening with him...and it's about damn time!!! I miss his touch and I'm missing those gorgeous hazel eyes looking back at me...
anyway (yes, i actually used the right form of the word....), my hands are beginning to numb, therefore it's time to pull out the braces yet again and hopefully they'll feel better in the morning...oh what would we be without wishful thinking?
There's nothing much new going on in Madison...I sucessfully read the newspaper this afternoon before starting some homework and had dinner with my roomie and Jeremiah. fun stuff...
Watched an episode of Sex in the City, which I of course loved, and i'm getting Anne hooked on it as well. She loves the character of Charlotte. Gotta love Sex...uh...in the city i mean....
So everybody...I'm going home this weekend...seems like no big deal right? Well, it really isnt. My parents are coming up Friday night for dinner and a concert in Humanities (call if you wanna join!) and off to janesvegas! Saturday is gonna be busy...workin it like a 9-5...dinner with the family afterwards, coffee with Lacy, then out with Airbear and Jenn...YAY! I haven't seen little "airon" in ages it seems and everytime i'm in town i'm f'n at Osco, so it'll be good to have some time with him to just chill. What will we do? ha, totally up in the air right now...but if you know anything about aaron, John will probably show up...and where there's aaron and john, there's bound to be some sketchy business goin down ;-)
Sunday's another day of work (of course the 9-5 shift...), dinner with the fam afterwards and a lovely trip back up to madison...! Can't wait! I haven't even left yet and I miss the atmosphere of Madison.
I miss Mackenzie and sleeping in my own bed...driving, and my jville friends, but Madison's great and in reference to the worlds of advertisement, "i'm lovin' it."
I realize I havent written in a few days and I suppose that's no excuse, but I was waiting for a few good posts from the last entry...so far no hope.
...and no hope on me being tired either...WTF?! I'm getting annoyed at the fact that its 3am and i'm completely awake. Maybe I should write my English paper now?! um...doubtful. After philosophy lecture tomorrow, i'm going to have a nice, healthy lunch and then off to work I go on James Bond. Who knew my English class would be focused around James Bond and espionage film? Pretty sweet, right?? The roomie's is on advertisement and my favorite person on 5's topic is comics. (sorry for the rest of you 5ers, but you just don't add up!) After a long hard day of finishing my (slightly pointless) paper for English, I'm going to Adam's to spend a lovely evening with him...and it's about damn time!!! I miss his touch and I'm missing those gorgeous hazel eyes looking back at me...
anyway (yes, i actually used the right form of the word....), my hands are beginning to numb, therefore it's time to pull out the braces yet again and hopefully they'll feel better in the morning...oh what would we be without wishful thinking?
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