I can't speak, to you...

I don't know what to say,
I don't know how to feel,
I'm lost when I'm just sitting here
and even in my power heels.

You're eating at my head,
You're too deep within it,
I'm freezing in this life that I made
and there's something else to fill it.


...unfinished. Until next time.

Build my Life

I love you...I hope you know that. I can't tell you that enough...and all I get back is "i know." I'm trying to pour my heart out...and I feel trampled.
All I want is a chance...
one last chance to make things happen.

Why did it take me so long to figure out that you and I are supposed to be together forever...? Now, I might not get the opportunity. I'm not sure what hurts more...not having "i love you" as a reply, knowing that I might not have you, or knowing that I'm the one who ruined it.

I miss you...and I love you...and you're the one.
How could I possibly think of leaving you when I don't want a life without you?

It all comes "Down to You"

I feel like I'm on an emotional rollercoaster and the rollercoaster is right now on it's downhill swing. Each day, it's heightened and then lowered, heightened, then falls. The falling and rising action introduced by Aristotle, but I wonder if he thought about it as a roller coaster? This moment is the downfall. I'm scared; I feel vulnerable; I'm...in love. I've been sickly in love since I was a freshman in high school, and while I've taken a few routes that weren't so right in the meantime, I've finally found my way back to the path I'm supposed to be on. Each night I spend with you, sleeping in our respective places, I realize that the moments we spend talking before falling asleep are the moments I live for. I love that feeling the next morning, knowing you slept next to me and that I got to wake up with you the next morning. I realize that you're not watching over me when I sleep, but I like to think that you're taking care of me and protecting me.

And yet, It scares the hell out of me not knowing how you feel. Where I know you've always felt something for me, I've been skeptical in the past, but now....now, I know. I don't know why it took me so long; I don't know how I couldn't have seen it from the start.

I'm in love...and always will be. With you... I love you.

When I was laughing the other night when we were in bed, it wasn't laughter because I thought something was funny...I was laughing because it's the only thing I can do to keep myself from crying out of pure joy. It's that small laughter I get to make myself from stopping the tears from coming. Comic relief?

I'm standing by myself out on a limb and it's quite scary.... Will you come stand with me?

New Beginnings

This is the time when I'm going to start over. The school year has already begun, but I'm starting over and turning a new leaf now. Today. This very moment. I strive to be a better person, someone happier, someone harder working, someone to aspire to be. I aspire to be new, innovative, and put together. As much as I want to say that I "know" myself, I'm not sure I can ever truly "know" anything...but there are a few exceptions.

I know that writing is something I need to do. It's something I didn't realize I needed so much in my life, but it's a great outlet.

I know that I'm emotional and I get caught in the moment so well...because when I'm truly happy, each little moment means something special. The sunset can be beautiful when you're in the right state of mind, and the individual patches of grass near the sidewalk, the leaf that blows in the deep autumn air, this moment right now at my computer. If you are truly "in" the moment, you can feel the smile of simplicity come over you and my body feels euphoric.

I know, and this is a big realization, I know that I'm in love with the one man I can't live without and the one man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I can only hope that you feel the same way...

I'm not always the most desirable person in the world (either to hang out with or to be with) but I'm on a distinct mission to come closer to the person I want to have others see me as. The hard exterior needs to go....and I need to soften a bit. I'm a softie all together with too much emotion bottled up, too much resentment, and I've been completely jaded on a lot of subjects. This is the time for rebirth. The colour representation of rebirth, green, will forever be placed on my body with the reminder of the evolving self. This self is coming to evolve, to change, to bring out something new, something contemporary, and something better. I will strive.

Three Days

So in the last week, everything has changed. I'm discouraged; I'm angered; I'm crushed. I feel as if a little part of me has fallen and I'm not quite sure how to come up again. My best friend is abandoning me for her boyfriend and lying to me.

My ex-boyfriend/good friend and I have been bickering for almost a month now...and it's making me really angry. I love you, but you make my life miserable.

My potential boyfriend just wants to be friends and has been in Minnesota for a week and a half. I miss him terribly, but I'm not sure what our situation is and it's increasingly getting awkward.

I'm losing my self-worth by trying to just have fun and then later realizing that it isn't fun and I'm ruining myself. I'm breaking down and falling....but who will catch me? This time I don't have anyone to lean on...and I'm not sure who to ask for help. I have parents that love me and will love me no matter what, but they can't always be the best indicators of what the "right" thing to do is with my set of friends. My best friends seem to be turning on me..especially the two best friends that I've had for 5 years or more. I hate using names in my blog...and I try to be intentionally vague...but today...I'm not going to. Michael, I love you and I adore you, but you're selfish. You care too much about yourself to care for someone else and you have no sense of time. I'm sick of sitting around waiting for you when you're late and I'm REALLY sick of having you stand me up the last two times we've made plans. NOBODY DOES THAT TO ME AND I WON'T PUT UP WITH IT. I'm sick of the fact that you would never tell me about your father or his side of the family and that in the 6 years that we've been dating on and off, I've never met him. If you wanted us to be together, why do you constantly fuck it up?
Josh was the best boyfriend I have ever had...and now? I still wear the ring he gave me, I still think about him, yet, I know that he's turned into a complete jackass and someone I want nothing to do with. But, it still hurts to know that the guy I once loved so dearly changed into someone I don't even know.
Liberty, you're throwing me for a loop. You say one thing and act another. I know that you felt something those times too otherwise it wouldn't have been so good...

I'm lost with all the problems with my friends, the constant problems with my sister, the men in my life...

There's three days until school starts and I'm not excited about it, but I'm content with it. Something to keep me busy will be good for now...because right now all I'm doing is thinking. And what I really want to do is break down and cry...

Soon to be September

Bought my books today....guess I can start being a geek again.....


.....YAY! :-)

Leaving...and Keane.

Oh and I know you're on your way to MN right now...AND that you'll conveniently never read this. And so...in that case, it's alright for me to spill my guts to some online blog, right? Everyday, I swear this thing becomes more and more about me and less and less about society like I wanted it to.

So last week was a blast to start off with; I have to say that first. I adore you.

Spending the night with you out in the country couldn't have been better. The perfect gentleman made me dinner...set the table, held my hand, and watched movies while sitting so close together it was almost unbearable. And yet...I'm still confused. You made a wonderful adorable dinner and set the table so we could sit across from each other. You carefully picked out some movies that I would enjoy and watched them sitting on the couch, so comfortable with plenty of room for two (and then some...) yet, we ended up sitting so close together. And then...the infamous question. Do you want to sleep in the other room? or, you can just sleep in the same room with me? Oh...how I wanted you to ask that for the entire night...yet, I wasn't sure you'd ever really ask me in the first place since you made it so clear that there was a separate bedroom on the phone. And yet...I said I didn't care...and so we ended up sleeping in the same bed. And while I thought there would be details about this portion of the event, there most certainly were not. In fact, at the precise moment when our feet would brush against each other's, we would both quickly move, knowing that slight touch was too much at that very moment. In the morning, you didn't wake me up like the last time we slept in the same room. You just let me sleep and when I had turned over mid-morning sleep, you touched my nose with your index finger and then...I was completely awake. We sat in bed for just a few minutes chatting...and had our little pillow talk over nothing and eventhough without glasses on, we both know that neither one of us could see each other perfectly. And I so I wanted to. Without your glasses, I can see your beautiful hazel-green eyes so much easier and they look...unbelievable, indescribable.

I swear I've never truly loved a man that didn't have brown or hazel eyes...

And then...you got up to do the morning chores for the house and you let me stay in bed to catch a little more rest. After a few minutes of tossing and turning, I decided I should probably get up and do something and since you were still out, I made the bed, got ready for the morning, but realized how wonderful you had been that morning. You let me sleep in after not sleeping very well and turned off the alarm, you let me stay in bed while you got up to take care of the animals, you made me feel comfortable above all. Never have I had that kind of polite gesture placed upon me. That was ever so sweet of you and I can't thank you enough for being a true gentleman. You thought it was cute that I had made the bed, later. And I realized, just how cute YOU were. We had coffee and chatted lightly over listening to classical music in the morning. Seriously, the perfect way to start the morning with you. A way that I can only imagine waking up every morning.

And then, after the morning coffee......Keane happened. While listening to my newest heavy rotation CD, the whole morning changed. It just kept getting more and more....like we weren't just friends and closer to the point where that thin line between being just friends and being lovers becomes...well....nonexistent. You sat on my lap. You held my hand. You rubbed my hand. You move to sitting on the floor. You spread my legs apart and sit between them. You gently and tenderly place your head on my stomach. I run my fingers through your hair and you seem utterly content. And then...I realize...this could either get closer and closer to that line until it's crossed or I could stop the situation before our situation gets any more awkward. Your moves are gracious, mine are....trying to stop you from what you're doing so you realize that YOU'RE the one crossing the line. So...I did the only thing possible... "I should probably get going soon..." And then, everything changed from that enchanting morning to a day like any other. You walked me to my car, gave me a short hug, and said your goodbyes. Ugh...Close. So close...

Leaving so Soon-Keane

You must think I'm a fool
So prosaic and awkward and all
Do you think you've got me down?
Do you think I've never been out of this town?

Do I seem too eager to please to you now?
You don't know me at all
I can't turn it on turn it off like you now
No I'm not like you now.

Now you're here
I bet you're wishing you could disappear
I'm trying to be kind
I get the feeling you're just killing time.

You look down at me
Don't you look down on me now.
You don't know me at all
A slap in the face, in the face for you now
Just might do now.


You're leaving so soon?
Never had a chance to bloom
But you were so quick to change your tuen
Don't look back if I'm a weight around your neck
Because if you don't need me I don't need you

Leaving so soon?
Leaving, leaving so soon?...


You're leaving so soon?
Never had a chance to bloom
But you were so quick to change your tuen
Don't look back if I'm a weight around your neck
Because if you don't need me I don't need you
-----------------------------------------------------------------

:( ...more later. Thoughts to come. God, I miss you... : /

Oh, Oh

Oh, Oh if only I could explain,
Just what it's like to feel this.
The way it feels to watch over someone else,
and still feel like I'm on the sidelines.

I wish, I hope, I stand here waiting,
I gush, I quiver with your every move.
I'm falling, I'm leaping,
I want you to catch me as I dive for the pavement.

There's nothing but you,
There's nothing but me and never the two together.
You're all alone, trying to be so proud,
I'm with you in my mind keeping you held together.

It's this instant in time, one tiny note of music
The rebirth that makes me new again.
You're the lyric I love and the melody I miss
The tune that holds it all together.

*Just a few morning thoughts*

4---ever

So, it's definatly been awhile since I've written anything for the purpose of blogging and I suppose that makes complete sense since the only time I have internet is when I'm between cities at my parent's house or when I'm at work here in Madison. I can't imagine the fact that I still haven't set up our internet, but it drives me crazy that I don't have the internet at my house.

At any rate, my life has been, needless to say exciting and busy in the last couple of weeks and especially in the past two respectively. One of my best friends has challenged our relationship to an unhealthy standpoint and I'm a bit...flustered to say the least since I thought the development would be a good one, yet...I'm not so sure either way right now. What we have is great and I'd never want to give that up; He's one of my best friends, however, on the same side of things, I adore him completely. It's a wonderful, but confusing experience that I never thought I would be having and it's turned into something I cannot predict and something I cannot control.

Since moving to my new apartment, I've begun spending more time with my best friend and the current love of my life, Jenn. She's the best friend I could hope for and one that I know I'm going to have for a lifetime because...she's the best female I know. I adore her as well and she's the core of my support group. Without her continually being there for me, my life would be a newly opened puzzle box waiting to be put back together. As much as I'd love to break down and cry about somethings, she's the one who keeps me from doing so. She puts me back together each time something rocks my soul.

I'm working on a project right now for one of my summer courses on conservation and I'm focusing on a Kenyan woman who won the Nobel Prize, as worked with numerous organizations, and is most importantly, a women's rights advocate. Luck of the draw made me pick her because she was African, but she's also a very empowering woman that I look up to coincidently enough. Her efforts have not only changed our environment, but also the way that women are seen in Kenya and for that, this project will be a memorable one.

In a few weeks I'm to go to a party. For my ex. For his 21st birthday. I'm scared shitless. But I love him as a friend and I wouldn't miss it for the world. Let's hope we don't have to go around in a circle and say something about the birthday boy...because Lord knows (if he exists...) everyone will want to know what I have to say. Perhaps I can hide in a bush during that time??? Please, please don't make me speak... This is terrifying.

Everytime I see a couple crossing the street, I wonder what my life would be like right now if I was involved with someone and quite frankly, I can't picture it. I'm busy enough as it is with my own life and trying to settle my own things much less having to worry about someone else's. Yet, at the same time, I continually worry about my best friend's lives and *try* to stay up in their affairs. I want to focus on school, my future career, my two jobs, my new apartment, my family...but it wouldn't hurt to have someone who cares for me on the side, would it? Perhaps...this is something I seriously need to think about. Is it worth it to get involved? Hell yeah if you really care about the person there shouldn't be a question in my mind...but...YOU'RE the one who placed it there. You're not nearly as busy as I am, but you've decided not to. I'm so confused...you say one thing, you mean another. You act like you want me to be your girlfriend, but you say you don't want one. We talk like we've known each other for years and as if we've been together for quite some time...yet...yet...you won't let that happen. What's the problem? Ugh....sooooooo confusing.

Word of the Day

sedulous: Persevering and constant in effort or application; assiduous.

That is just what I'm about to do; Be very sedulous with the way I'm going to go about pursuing this. If I find something I want, I figure out away to obtain it and if I can't, I work just that much harder to get it. I WILL work my ass off for this; I WILL be persistent.

Though, I might find some bumps along the way.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bump No. 1: Yesterday I realized that you were my man on the side, but I'm the woman on the side for someone else.
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Bump No. 2: Moving week has the potential to be complete hell...and I'm going to miss you during the whole bloody thing!

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And now for something completely different about someone completely different:
I love you, but I hate you.
I can't be around you, but I can't be without you.
I don't want to hurt you, but I know I will.
I can't bear the fact to see you upset without making myself cry too.
I love the way you look at me and I love the way you make me feel, but sometimes I feel like you only care about yourself. I miss having you next to me and having you drive me around town, but I love being independent also. You make me want to scream, you make me want to work harder, you make me want to give up, you make me want to never get out of bed, but you make me want to drop to the floor and cry some days. You will never leave me. and I won't leave you either.

Last Night, You slept

I slept in my bed last night. The night after you had sweetly slept there, looking down at me while I slept away from you, in a sleeping bag, wishing and hoping that you'd see how ridiculous it would be for the two of us to sleep separately. This, however, much to my dismay, did not happen. I slept soundly while you slept soundly and when I found out that you had woken much earlier than I did, I wondered what you were up to while I was sleeping. Were you watching me sleep? Were you trying to think of the right thing to say after we both woke up...separately but together? I wonder what you were up doing besides playing with my cell phone. I wonder if you had any thoughts about me sleeping. Was it beautiful, was it cute, was it pitiful, laughable, or disturbing? I hope the latter is not what you were thinking, but how could I possibly ever know. I can still hold that image of you in the morning in my head, right? Watching you in a towel after you'd gotten out of my shower, walking around my bedroom...God that's a beautiful sight. Me? I think you're beautiful. I think you're amazing, intelligent, sexy, adorable, breathtaking...and sometimes you do take my breath away. Sometimes I realize myself acting ridiculous because I can hardly control myself when you're around I'm so frickin nervous. I want you to like me. I want you to be flattered, as flattered as I would be if you told me you felt like I do. I think I'm far too attached to the fact that you've become one of my best friends...but a friend that I think is irresistable. A friend I think is ridiculously hot in pink. A friend that I want to sleep in my own bed with. A friend I so badly want to kiss and throw my arms around. A friend that I fear will reject me, and a friend that I think will move on without me, forget me, not miss me.

Lonely Day-Phantom Planet

Today...

Just another day, really. Drove in early from Janesville to go to work at the Gap in the early afternoon so that I could come home and make a grocery list, go and get the goods for my family festivities at the apartment tomorrow, and then continue my O.C. marathon. The method of my madness? Less lonliness in watching tv and becoming obsessed over yet another t.v. show. As if Sex and the City hasn't been bad enough for my obsessive side, The O.C. has now become a new obsession, not to say this is bad. It's a good show. Lots of different plot lines that intertwine and keep the story rolling with a bit of drama. Gotta love the drama. My life? Surprisingly drama free right now. I'm having no particular family fueds, no friendly quarrels, and no major gripes about work. School? Nonexistant for a few more weeks and that's perfectly fine with me, though I'm a bit...uh...bored? Yes, I'm bored. Very bored. Yet, everyone would think that I'd be writing more. And to answer that, have I? Nope. I simply can't put myself to it.

After the conversation that I had the other night, I'm beginning to be delightfully...or putting on a delightful face at least...to prove that I can be an independent woman. Yes, I love going to the grocery store by myself on a Saturday evening. Yes, I went down to Janesville and had ice cream with one of my best friends on a Friday night instead of hanging out with someone of the opposite sex and I'll be spending a wonderful Sunday afternoon with my parents, whom I've seen quite a lot recently. And do I have any problems with that? No, not particularly, just the fact that I'm missing the one thing that I yearn for and I think everyone yearns for...a companion. Call me crazy, but having two cats hang out with you while you watch movies just isn't quite the same. If I have no plans made with anyone for Monday, I'm going to the movies...by myself. Yes, this is true. And I don't feel bad about that. I've wanted to do it for years and have I? Nope. Not yet! I love going to the movies...and the last time, not such a great experience I have to say; I'm really going to have to change that memory now that I'm thinking about it. (Note to self: Yes, that was yet another Valentine's Day completely ruined.)

Um...on top of that? I'm not quite sure. All of my failed relationships make me notice that really over and over again...I get to be the one who sits around in pain and analyzes it until I'm sick of talking about the subject. Sometimes I just go on AOL to see if Josh is on so I can shamelessly check his away message. Sometimes, I call Mike because I'm upset about something else and as much as I want to stay away from all of the old baggage, I can't help but notice that yes, I really do call him when I'm down on myself about something and need a little pick me up. (You perves! Not like that!!!) I also know that those are really the only two (technical) ex boyfriends that seem to lurk in my mind more than the average person does. On top of those two, Adam and Johnny play frequent roles inside my head. Why? who knows...they both really hurt. The 4 that killed my heart and broke it into little tiny pieces which seem, yet again "a mess that he won't want to clean up." And by "he" I mean any sort of future man in my life. Again...any future man? Probably going to be just friends. I'm not cut out for dating. Or at least it seems that way. Sometimes I'm stronger when I'm by myself, can have my own agenda, and don't have to worry about someone elese's life. Yet...there is also a special someone that I completely want and feel like "Hey! I can never have him!" And right now, that seems...um...abundantly clear. Not ready to date? My answer: No one ever is.

Now, I might not be good at this whole relationship thing...and I'm certainly not good at the stuff that comes along with it. I have my own "issues" that will keep me from dating for QUITE awhile it would seem. No one wants to deal with it? Fine with me. It's really none of their business. Then again, sometimes I feel so concealed from my own life that I think I'm none of my business!
I'm a little sick of being alone to be honest, but at the same time, I wouldn't be writing this right now on my porch at my apartment. I wouldn't be staring at the city wondering what new thing is around the corner or how a new fresh start might just be the way to change things. A little change of personality, a little change of attitude, and a little change of mindset could help...but then again, you have to believe all that kind of stuff in order to make it work, right? I'm a bit skeptical of all that sort of stuff. Mind over body. Except, people can't read minds; they can read body langauge. And that means Body over mind. And people see your body before even hearing you speak (disregarding extraneous circumstances); Body over Mind. People don't notice my personality over looking at physical appearances, and this can only be done over time. Ultimately, the first impression is made through the body, not the mind. and so Ultimately, based on what you look like, we're already selecting and sifting through the QUOTE "bad matches" END QUOTE and not looking at people for what they're worth (i.e Mind, Intelligence, Personality, (etc.) over Body). So glad I cleared that up for everyone.
Second Note to self: Relationships are not as easy in College as when they were in High School and your selection has gone way down. **It is hard to meet people when you work two jobs, take a full class load, and spend your extra time at home watching dvds of past t.v. shows** Third note to self: Go out more and stay in less watching dvds of past (probably worthless) t.v. shows.

Where is this all leaving me? With a very long stream of conscoiusness inspired blog entry about nothing.

This time, my paper bag

This time around, I've realized that while I've waited quite a long time, i.e. over a month since I've written my last entry, I'm essentially writing for myself. Not a problem there because, hey! I usually do! At any rate a lot has gone on lately and I'm not really here to keep you updated, just here to present some sream of conscoiusness writing that perhaps I can use later or to give some sort of interesting details...today, that's not so much.
The roads are crappy and filled with traffic, yet I know that you're driving to Minneapolis with your younger brother trying to lend a hand and that you're probably feeling just fine since you don't mind the drive. It's long, boring, and I don't think I could do that. Not now. Not with all this stuff on my mind and certainly not with my Fiona Apple CD since the song "Paper Bag" keeps singing in the background to in fact, keep me quite grounded. One of the lines says "Oh hunger hurts but I want him so bad oh, it kills me cause I know I'm a mess that he don't wanna clean up," which I know is more closely than not the frame of mind I'm in having to think about all the things that have gone wrong. I'm not sure how you feel and so perhaps I keep listening to it to try and make myself think, well, if he doesn't like me, it's ok, because I'm still a broken mirror that's lost a few peices and can't be glued back together. Something new will have to take my place
This time, something attempting to be bright and sunny isn't radiating through the outer covering and now I'm hidden under something dull. Just put a paper bag over my head and pretend it's all over....

...the wedding plans of happiness for someone you know when you're miserable and without love.
...the relationship where you live in the shadow and remain second best.
...the lonliness that only comes from being at home in an apartment that's over-priced that you know you can't afford with two cats who sometimes hate you too and no cable tv.
...the dreary, rainy, cold weather we've had the past few days.
...and the fact that despite my best efforts, I feel that the excitement, gushing, and lusty dreaming will only remain dreams.

gotta be MORE!

ALRIGHT, so here's the deal...

Just to keep myself posted and not feelings so vulnerable for my writing, anyone and everyone who frequently reads my blog writings should post comments on this entry just to let me know that you're out there and that I'm not just writing for myself. This isn't to say that I don't like writing only for myself...but I need to keep myself in check that I'm not merely writing for an audience of nonexistence.

Tonight, I shed a tear. Over my glass of wine, I shed one tear; one single tear that made me realize I'm sometimes not as stable in my emotions as I think I am and I'm not always over the things that have become my past with no future. I'm not sure why this all came on; if it was the glance of you that I got before going to work downtown or the picture I found that I always thought made You look so hot when you thought you thought something completely opposite.

I made a mix of music tonight that should help me wake up in the morning, but as I was making it, all these thoughts started to blur into my head. This reminds me of OUR morning ritual and my old morning rituals. The first song has the same sort of beat that I used to remember waking up to and the second song is one I used to start out my morning runs with. I miss those morning runs and as much as I want to take them, I know that in the city, I may not work up enough courage to go and run away from all of my fears as I used to know so well. Running used to be my way out and as I've sort of lost touch with this, I'm thinking about how much I want it, need it all over again.

Am I only the person I make myself out to be or am I a mixture of the things that have come before me? Do I get to create my own destiny or do the people who have lingered in my head get to create it?

Maybe one glass of wine is getting to my head, but I seem to be coming back to my thoughtless stages where I'm not quite sure of what I want anymore. Last night, I only knew that I was looking for the something new of my prospective, but today, I'm wondering about the past that was so brutally taken out from under my step.

I found the crack in the sidewalk and now my long strides and head held high have caused me to trip and fall. But the thing I can't figure out is if I've fallen backward or if I'm falling forward. (shift in tense intentional.)

Snow

This afternoon, I walked out of my normal Tuesday/Thursday Victorian Poetry class completely refreshed. I feel like I'm back to my old self again and noticing the things that I so vividly remember getting completely over excited about.

Here goes....

It's a beautiful day outside and most people would think I'm going completely crazy. But, despite what others think, I'm most obviously not most people. It's a beautiful day outside in Madison and I couldn't be happier with the way things are looking outside at this very moment.

The snow is falling beautifully from the sky and each little flake, with its own design and pattern makes me itch with excitemenmt. They all, from the sky first slowly, then getting faster and heavier, like the sensual expression of kissing. Each flake kisses the trees on State Street and caresses each of us on the street. It's like the first snow all over again and each one makes me giggle inside thinking of spending nights cuddling up in a blanket to keep warm. It makes me think of you. But mostly, it keeps me confined in the aesthetic components of nature and how uplifting something like a simple snowfall can be.

Under normal circumstances, I would be cursing about having to drive in the snow, but today, even as I walked to my car knowing that I would soon have to drive in it, which I thought would ruin my sense of overjoy, I noticed that not once could I keep my face from formulating a smile. Not the kind that you fake on the street for the poeple you accidently meet eyes with, but the kind of smile that I'm almost embarrased to say is the smile that I get when I'm completely in love, completely flattered, or completely overcome with happiness. The kind of smile that you can't hold back, no matter how much you want to and in trying to do so, my smile only becomes more prominent. These transcendentalist views of nature make me feel like one of the great poets or cannonical writers that I can only strive to become.

Perhaps my writing isn't up to the par of the greatest writers of the romantic era that I so envy, but a writer, I will never fail to be. No one can take that away from me and it is intrinsic to me. It is not extrinsic, something that can be stripped of me. A musician, I once was, and that somehow has been stripped of me, if only partially. Because of my own medical problems with my hands, I have had to compromise my aspirations of being a true musician, but being a writer, I will have no one take from me. If nothing else, I write for myself, for my friends who sometimes listen or read, for my parents who wish the best for me, and for the people who read this and find some sort of truth, some kind of emotion, some kind of feeling that will move them, as other writers have done all too many times with me.

Sometimes

There are times when I wish that I could just tell you exactly what I feel...and then there are others that I'm so timid, so bottled up in myself that I can't imagine being so "forward" with you. Everything to me suddenly seems "too forward" and then I keep myself from doing the things that I want to do. I want you. I feed off of you. I want you sleeping next to me, waking up with me in the morning, kissing my neck, kissing my lips...I'd die for you to just put your arm around me or hold my hand, but I let everything subside because I want to know exactly how you feel first. I can't tell you the things I think about you and I know that there's no way you'd be reading this. No possible connections through you and all I can do is sit here and think about the times we've had together and so many of those times that I've left our business unfinished.

The night we played checkers, I wanted to just grab you across the table and kiss you all over. I've always wanted someone to be the one doing that to me, but quite frankly, that can't be the first move that you make on someone when you're a woman. When you're a women, the notions have to be subtle...until the relationship is serious. Once you're at that point, anything goes.

I want to be in that place. I want our little dates to go further...I want you to take me in your arms and tell me that you think about me when we're not together, that you want to take this further, that I'm not just wasting my time thinking about you... :-/

If I could tell you that I feel so strongly about you, I would. But I've got it all bottled up inside me like some little child, waiting, wishing, hoping.

I want you to take me, push me up against a wall...tell me you can't wait any longer, that you can't resist. I like you so much...and I've got all these pictures in my head.

When you were over at our apartment the other day, you were holding Rufus like a baby and I was fussing with Ru and just looked up at you thinking, wow, what if this was our child? All I wanted to do right then, at that very moment, was kiss you. When we were looking out my window at the different buildings, all I wanted to do was turn to you and kiss you. Just to have you close to me. When you were looking out the deck door and put your head next to mine trying to see the same view I had... You were so close. We were so close. THe thought of you kissing me was lingering over my tongue, making my lips instantly tingle with excitement as the mere thought of it makes me uneasy in my seat.

You're making me so uneasy in my seat. You're so gorgeous...so beautiful.

Movies, Movies, Watch all about it!

I'm crushing. I'm gushing. I'm... laughing my ass off at how ridiculous that sounds. Nonetheless, I'm comfortable with crushing. and gushing. (Note to self: again, ridiculous.) I'm flying high on mere thoughts.
I've known you for years and have had a childhood crush on you since...but since I had lost contact with you for a few years, things seemed to subside and there was no thought of even the possibility of you. I've always thought your allure was spectacular and the way you speak; I get so excited listening to you talk. We talk about everything and anything and none of it seems strange. It's so...comfortably sexy. You're so beautifully sexy. [Pan onto picture of planner on desk].

I love stability, I love order, I love that safe feeling of someone who can complete that. I adore you. I love your little quirks, the way you make everything fun and exciting. The way that coffee turns into a movie, which turns into dinner...so cute. [PAN CAMERA LEFT TO RIGHT THROUGH SMALL FRENCH-STYLE COFFEE SHOP, SMALL MOVIE THEATER, SMALL BISTRO STYLE RESTAURANT, LIGHTING IS DIM.]

If I don't see you this week, I might not know what to do with myself...

Ok. That's enough of me sounding like a little school girl full of emotions.

[Enter Reality.]

Women's facial piercings...

Hot or Not

Nose...?
Eyebrow?
Madonna...?
Lip?
Tongue?

Opinions required.

There are Certain People/You just keep coming back to

I'm in one of those moods that I just can't quite explain...yet again. I'm listening to this song...over...and over...and over. And all I can think of is the shitty things that have gone on in all of my past relationships and how good things were between the two of us. I've been thinking a lot about you lately and have called you numerous times, yet you never answer your phone. Is it just because I'm the one calling you?
I'm at work...but I'm not working. It seems that no matter how much I want to leave here, I can't. This is more a home to me than my house.

Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same.

Sometimes I like to kid myself and say that you'll come back, and then I realize that the hardest thing and the right thing aren't the same...and I know that you're thinking of someone else and thinking about how you want to be with Lacy.

If I wait until tomorrow, I hope I'll be alright...

Cutesy

It really surprises me how many people are unhappy in their marriages, yet do nothing about it. Some of my co-workers are married and yet, as happy as they seem and as lived as their life is, they still seem unhappy in their marriages. Yet, they do nothing about it. One of them is separated, and completely fine with it. The other, married, to a man whom she says does nothing around the house and just sits around all day. This, she despises. Maybe it's just easier to stay together? I don't want my life to turn out that way, where it's just easier to be together than to split because of costs, emotions, etc.

Relationships, it would seem, are almost flawed from the beginning. One of my other co-workers has been dating a guy on and off for years and she finally wants to break up with him for good. Yet, she doesn't know how. She loves him. He loves her. They're best friends. But, she wants nothing to do with that anymore. Co-worker #2's response? "Just tell him you're in love with someone else." Co-worker #3's response? "Just get married, it sounds like you fight like you already are."

Is that what we're bound to in life? Unhappiness and inadequate relationships? Are all of the cute things about relationships only a facade? My parents have been happily married for years and get mad at each other like any normal couple, but what keeps them together that doesn't keep a lot of people together? And if these factors aren't bad enough, Are we bound to cheat in relationships? I've cheated. A lot of people have. I don't see anything wrong with what I've done, per say, and I don't think that I should be punished for what I have done in the past. The past is the past and the present is now.
I don't regret the things I've done because that's not the way I believe life should work. Everything happens for a reason. A series of bad events are going to happen in your life, but that's not to say that we should regret the things that caused them. If you regret something, you're looking back on the past and wishing it had been differently. But, what I don't understand is if you want to take something back, you must have thought it was right at the moment that the event took place. Even our irrational thoughts are things that, at that moment, we believed to be "right" or "correct." You can't go back and change the things that happened, so why do we dwell upon it? "I regret that decision." Well, you very well may, but you can't go back and change it.

Hide and Seek:Lyrics and My Feelings

Imogen Heap - 'Hide and Seek'

where are we? what the hell is going on?
the dust has only just began to fall
crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling
spin me around again and rub my eyes
this can't be happening
when busy streets a mess with people would stop to hold their heads heavy

hide and seek
trains and sewing machines?
all those years they were here first

oily marks appear on walls
where pleasue moments hung before
the takeover, the sweeping insensitivity of this
still alive

hide and seek
trains and sewing machines? oh, you won't catch me around here
blood and tears they were here first

mm what you say
oh that you only meant well, well of course you did
mm what you say
mm that it's all for the best, of course it is
mm what you say
that IT'S JUST what we need, you decided this
mm what you say
what did she say?

ransom notes keep falling at your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
speak no feeling no i don't believe you
you don't care a bit you don't care a bit

ransom notes keep falling at your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
speak no feeling no i don't believe you
you don't care a bit you don't care a bit

you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
---------------------------------------------------------------
This is just how I feel about one sided relationships:mm what you say
oh that you only meant well, well of course you did
mm what you say
mm that it's all for the best, of course it is
mm what you say
that IT'S JUST what we need, you decided this
mm what you say
--------------------------------------------------------------

That's right...you made the decision without me, just as men always do,
and the only thing I know for sure is that we're through.
That's something I can never live with and hope not to have to,
But just as much as I want that to be otherwise, there's no doubt that it's true.

This song reminds me of you, the nights at your apartment, waking up in the morning, and everything in between. It's too bad I adore this song...

Won't Sleep Better Alone?

Pete Yorn, you may be wrong.

Today's English 473 was full of thoughts. Quite frequently during class, I had to sniff the beautifully sweet smell of the guy next to me, who wears the same cologne that you do. Thankfully, the guy sitting in front of him hadn't showered in a few days in order to cover up the 'stench' of your rememberance. I realized that in the process of experiencing the two types, no matter what you think...men all equal out to a result of zero.

Perhaps I should be giving up on the whole male race at this time, but sadly enough, I never do. I adore the thrill of "love" and everything that goes with it but, for now, I'm alone and that's the best way for me to be. I'm set in my ways, I don't want someone bossing me around and expecting things that I can't necessarily give. I love my busy schedule and all of the things that I pack into it. I'm slightly unreasonable about trying to be flexible and change that. There are few people that I would do that for. You, 5, are one of them.

Yet, I'm quite sick of the give and pulls of relationships that I tend to give and end up being the one who gives up everything. These sorts of unequal relationships are not something I'm looking for, nor do I currently think exist. There is no "ideal relationship" and if there is, it's tragic downfall will cause you to think otherwise. Perhaps there are truly ideal relationships, but me? I'm not a part of them. And right now, I don't want to be. I'm extatic to be by myself and living my own life and not having to worry about all those "other" people. I'm proud of being alone. This is the first time that I can comfortably say, I'm sincerely not interested.

The fact of the matter is, I do sleep better alone.

The one that killed me most

The best gift I've ever received was from the love of my life...and I'm sitting here thinking about you again. I'm over you. I thought I was over you. I'm not quite sure if I'm over you. You're gorgeous and when I see men that look like you, I sometimes wish it was you. One of the most prized things that I own is the ring you gave me and everytime I think of you, I can't help but instantly needing to wear it and have that blue heart around my ring finger.

Maybe it's easiest for some to wear their heart on their sleeve. I wear mine on my finger. Perhaps it's easier to lose there.

I never use names in my blog and I tend to be very vague with most of the postings so that only certain people truly know what I'm talking about, but this time, I'm going to throw all of that out.

Josh, you kill me sometimes and I'm not quite sure why. You're the hearthrob I knew was out of my league, but you treated me like an angel anyway. I've never felt more comfortable, more relaxed, more...myself with anyone than you. Things were always perfectly set. I'd never have to tell you what I wanted, you'd never have to tell me what you wanted and everything was always a joint decision. We spent many a night watching movies, the tickling sessions, falling asleep in each other's arms. THAT was the thing I loved more than anything. Not the late intimate sessions or pulling each other closer; falling asleep with you was the thing I couldn't get enough of.

I loved it when you'd pull me closer, ask me not to leave, tell me to stay just 5 more minutes and I'd end up staying another half hour easily. I was never on time when I went out with you, but suddenly it was all ok. I was safe with you; nothing could tamper with that. There's so much more to tell about you and yet, there's still nothing more to say. You're gorgeous. You always will be gorgeous. And everytime I look at the ring you gave me, I know that WE were gorgeous. You'll always hold a chunk of my heart. Josh....

A little part of me died when I found out you were dating one of my close friends, whom I've known much longer than you have. It killed me instantly that you were so attracted with her and seemed to have lost all feeling if there ever were any for me. I wanted US to work, I didn't want you to work with one of my friends. A friend I really care about at that. Why? You loved her, you even told me you loved her...you never told me that. Perhaps that's a bit of jealousy...but we dated for a solid 8 months. The best 8 months of a relationship I've ever had and it seemed so easy for you to forget how the two of us ever were when you started to date her.

Yes, I want you to be happy. I want you to be happier than a child in springtime with a new bicycle. Josh, I loved you more than I thought I would ever let myself. And in fact, I never would let myself tell you that. The nights you'd spend sleeping, I'd spend watching you and stroking your hair, touching your face, knowing I had to tell you I loved you. And I would....but only when you were sleeping. At first, I couldn't imagine the two of you together...Were you using the same tricks on her that you used on me? You gave everything up for her and sometimes it seems, you never gave anything up for me...

My birthday that year was one of the best days I've ever experienced and I remember all of that moment in my room, the opening of the little box...the excitement. I remember having to go and show my sister while she was in the bathroom just to brag about how great it was and I cried a little when I told her. I was so damn happy. You made me so damn happy.

I was sick for weeks after you left me. I didn't eat for a week. I stayed in bed the entire day reading a book and crying after you left... I don't remember what the book was about at all. I remember the way you cried. I remember the way I felt like my stomach was coming out my mouth for days when I would get so upset that as a result I would get so sick and have to throw up in order to feel better...and of course, I never did feel better.

I miss having you close to me. I miss hearing your voice. I miss the feeling I'd have after being with you and I miss hearing you call my name. There always was something about the way you'd call me "Cat." I miss calling yours...hmm...Josh. It still rolls well of of my palatte.

Josh...

Search?

No matter how I look, what I'm searching, or what fields I change, You're always the one I find. There's something almost wrong with all of that. Realistically speaking, I mean. The more I want to write about it, the more I know I would hurt certain people in doing so and god damn it, I'm not going to do that. I hate having a secret life.....