So in the last week, everything has changed. I'm discouraged; I'm angered; I'm crushed. I feel as if a little part of me has fallen and I'm not quite sure how to come up again. My best friend is abandoning me for her boyfriend and lying to me.
My ex-boyfriend/good friend and I have been bickering for almost a month now...and it's making me really angry. I love you, but you make my life miserable.
My potential boyfriend just wants to be friends and has been in Minnesota for a week and a half. I miss him terribly, but I'm not sure what our situation is and it's increasingly getting awkward.
I'm losing my self-worth by trying to just have fun and then later realizing that it isn't fun and I'm ruining myself. I'm breaking down and falling....but who will catch me? This time I don't have anyone to lean on...and I'm not sure who to ask for help. I have parents that love me and will love me no matter what, but they can't always be the best indicators of what the "right" thing to do is with my set of friends. My best friends seem to be turning on me..especially the two best friends that I've had for 5 years or more. I hate using names in my blog...and I try to be intentionally vague...but today...I'm not going to. Michael, I love you and I adore you, but you're selfish. You care too much about yourself to care for someone else and you have no sense of time. I'm sick of sitting around waiting for you when you're late and I'm REALLY sick of having you stand me up the last two times we've made plans. NOBODY DOES THAT TO ME AND I WON'T PUT UP WITH IT. I'm sick of the fact that you would never tell me about your father or his side of the family and that in the 6 years that we've been dating on and off, I've never met him. If you wanted us to be together, why do you constantly fuck it up?
Josh was the best boyfriend I have ever had...and now? I still wear the ring he gave me, I still think about him, yet, I know that he's turned into a complete jackass and someone I want nothing to do with. But, it still hurts to know that the guy I once loved so dearly changed into someone I don't even know.
Liberty, you're throwing me for a loop. You say one thing and act another. I know that you felt something those times too otherwise it wouldn't have been so good...
I'm lost with all the problems with my friends, the constant problems with my sister, the men in my life...
There's three days until school starts and I'm not excited about it, but I'm content with it. Something to keep me busy will be good for now...because right now all I'm doing is thinking. And what I really want to do is break down and cry...
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2 comments:
I didn't fuck it up you did, even after several years of you not wanting to talk to me, then us dating agian, then you breaking up with me yet a second time I still stood by you. You think I am selfish?? Well fuck you Catherine Wiley, I don't think you realize what I have tried to do to be with you, what I have given up. Can you count how many times I drove up to Madison because you were lonely?? Not because "I" wanted anything at all, we were not even together and only because I understood the problems you were going through did I ever travel to see you. If you think I ruined everything then you need to take a long time and reflect. You think you are so perfect and so deserving of happiness, I am not saying you don't deserve someone great but until YOU can understand how to have a real "grown up" relationship I suggest you stop persuing anything. You have an immature veiw on friendship and love and I hope for your sake you someday wake up and realize that you will always be lonely unless you can learn to open up, make sacrifices, and love someone as much as they love you. You were the greatest thing in the world to me, my best friend, and the only person I ever wanted to be with, but you ruined that not me. Long before you called me that spring day I knew that I would never love another as much as I loved you, and I don't know if I am grateful because I got to spend a few last months with you, or if I am grateful because you came back to me during my most depressed period and you left me yet again, which let me realize that even after I put so much effort into us you just left me behind. I realized you are the selfish one, you are the one who doesn't deserve me. I am better than to let you dictate how I feel anymore and what I want. I have tried and tried and you fucked it up not me. So when you grow up and find out what you want the call me.
~Michael
Cat- you are one of the best people in the entire world.. one who deserves only the best.. and i more than happy to call myself your friend... you have SO much selflessness and you radiate beauty.. and NOONE deserves to treat you badly.... NO ONE... i love you.. and we WILL work through all that is going on in out lives.. even if we have to do it by ourselves.. Forget everyone else..
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