Discover Me

Oh, how i want to feel your fingers
sliding across my skin
discovering all of me
with your gentle presence
surrounding me
and to be taken over with such a force
that cannot be controlled
emotion takes over
there is nothing else
you and me
and the ticking of a clock fades
you touch the softness of my skin
gentle, slow strokes
leaves me only wanting more.
i want to know every curve of your body
and to touch every inch of your skin
your kiss overcomes my sense of self
and how lucky i am to feel that way.
I want to see your eyes scan over me
and to center on looking into my soul.

someone just give me all the answers

if you'll remember correctly, in my first post, i promised this would be nothing but me giving you details of the world and how it aggravates me. Today's might be a little bit about myself....(how selfish of me...)

I can't seem to get this off my mind...but I can already see myself ruining what I want to keep so desparately. Lord save me from myself...what the hell is wrong with me? I find something i can enjoy and be happy about, and then in the end, i know i'll just let it slip away cause i'm oh so very good at that...i promised myself that this broken heart wouldn't see love for quite some time...and now look at me...a damn sappy little girl again. Slap into gear girl...you're turning into those softies you hate, but underneath it all (not that i'm trying to make a Gwen Stephani reference...) I must be one of those sappy romance girls. I agree...i secretly indulge in a good trashy romance novel now and again...but what woman doesnt? Should I be punished for wanting that intimate, passionate, caught up in the moment sex? Of course not. That's the beauty of being a woman. Although, sometimes it also puts a woman at a disadvantage. I'm frustrated with myself...sometimes its so damn difficult and I can't get myself to do as i want. I'm just thinking too much...and of course i know that because it always seems to be my downfall...Maybe this time will be different?

Good Christ, I'm scared as all hell of putting my heart on the line once again...
I know they say "Love like you've never been hurt" or "Love as if you've never lost" but its so damn hard if you have loved, lost and been hurt in the process...I still maintain the fact that whoever said those horrid words had never loved in their lifetime...
what torture it is to say such a thing! It's certainly more difficult for me now to love someone once I know what it feels like to lay in bed for days afterwards with a box of kleenex accompanied by a hopeless distraction novel.

Public Opinion Report

tonight's one of those nights...you notice things that you didn't notice before and i'm sitting here analyzing myself. usually my downfall. life's so great right now and everythings working out as i'd like it to...yet i'm still sitting here wondering if i'm the person i once was so many months ago. the days of growth seem to plague me...and yet, i'm enjoying every minute of the formation process. Sometimes I'm not sure what I should think. Just kidding? hmm...that does seem to plague me as well. How often does the human race really use that phrase when they truly mean what they are saying and just "say" they're kidding in order to be tactful in public? and for that matter how many times do we say something just to impress someone else? what's the point of doing that really? They're going to find out in the long run anyways, so why are we not completely honest from the start? I vow never to do that...why are people so dishonest? Are we trying to impress someone else or are we using reverse psychology in order to believe it ourselves? I often times find myself doing that. Tell yourself something enough times and you might just start to believe it. But, why do i find myself doing that...for what reason? I might need a little reassurance every now and again as long as you're willing to give it to me...I'm scared of what might possibly be coming and how things will change. I'm scared of what i'm feeling, but it just feels so right...

Side note: these lyrics are whats keeping me grounded.



The Longest Time

Oh, oh, oh
For the longest time
Oh, oh, oh
For the longest time
If you said goodbye to me tonight
There would still be music left to write
What else could I do
I'm so inspired by you
That hasn't happened for the longest time
Once I thought my innocence was gone
Now I know that happiness goes on
That's where you found me
When you put your arms around me
I haven't been there for the longest time
Oh, oh, oh
For the longest time
Oh, oh, oh
For the longest
I'm that voice you're hearing in the hall
And the greatest miracle of all
Is how I need you
And how you needed me too
That hasn't happened for the longest time
Maybe this won't last very long
But you feel so right
And I could be wrong
Maybe I've been hoping too hard
But I've gone this far
And it's more than I hoped for
Who knows how much further we'll go on
Maybe I'll be sorry when you're gone
I'll take my chances
I forgot how nice romance is
I haven't been there for the longest time
I had second thoughts at the start
I said to myself
Hold on to your heart
Now I know the woman that you are
You're wonderful so far
And it's more than I hoped for
I don't care what consequence it brings
I have been a fool for lesser things
I want you so bad
I think you ought to know that
I intend to hold you for the longest time

The Game We Lose

This was originally written 10.31.03
just something to think about

it's funny
how you can wake up
and the whole day has
turned in front of your face.
Will you ever know
that I care
if everything changes before
tomorrow?
Would you feel lost
without me?
What would become of us
and everything will be gone
will have slipped right through
our fingers
let it all happen
and if it went all away
from me right now
i wouldnt know just what to do
or how to react
my life would all be gone
and nothing could be done
it's crazy how it can
all fall
just roll on and away
It'll run from you
like a rolling penny
my fairytale
will all glide right through
to have everything taken from
you
drasticly, emotionally
lost
and if i die before i wake
please remember me always
for the good things that happened
and for the world as it once was
think not of the pain
but of the blessings
recover happily and
live on
remember this always.

I can't really remember what i was writing about when I wrote this. 10/31...last year. What a crazy time that was. I'll publish more later. I realize this isnt one of my best works...just some thoughts I put down onto paper in a spur of the moment.
Not looking for a critique on this one...just wanted to throw it out there.

'spective evening

After further introspection...i'm having second thoughts of myself. What was I put on this earth to accomplish? I always thought it'd have something to do with music, but is that really what I'm here for?? Why isn't God giving me a sign of some sort to let me know what I'm supposed to be doing with my life?? That sounds so very selfish of me...putting so much of a burden upon the Lord. Sometimes I wonder what's going on with my life. Everything seems to circle around and I'm the last one to know. Everyone around me seems to have more of an idea than I do. There's so many options and yet, I'm limiting my own options as to what I'm here for. I'm so passionate about few things in this world, yet so passionate about everything in the same sense. It's been one of those days when you finally get the time to just look out the window and look at the world and realize that sometimes things aren't what they seem and that the rest of the world will still go on without you. Sure, some things would be different, but it hardly affects the general population as a whole. And in that sense, what are any of us here for? To touch a select few lives and to leave, hopefully giving some insight to someone less fortunate. It seems so uncontrollable as if I'm in this life with no direction or sense of what could happen to me at any moment. My whole life has been laid before me and I have no control over how to change it. Does fate really work that way? Is my entire life based upon a track already laid for me? Is there any true way to "skip" fate? There was a time once in my life when I thought I knew exactly what fate was and how it worked...now, i'm not so sure. Is it fate that I'm writing this right now for someone to read and post comments giving me some insight to touch my life as I hope I have done with so many others? Is it fate that I'm considering my other options as a musician and writer? How can anyone know for sure what they're really going to do with their lives in a society like the one we live in today?
There are so many questions I'd love to sit down and talk about, yet, there is no one to tell me the answers. You hear people say that one of the best things in life is not knowing what will come next and I suppose that can be true in a sense, but is it not also nice to plan out exactly what will happen so that you know the path you about to journey upon?
Tonight seems to be a night of introspection and I'll leave the night at that.

Tuesdays are Boring

Well guys ONE exam down, ONE exam and TWO finals to go...
and after sucessfully calling my house 3 times today for random reasons, I think i've had my fix of janesville for awhile.
Now, the good news is that i'm finished completely with one of my classes. The Bad news is that I still have 3 left :-(
Besides class, Life is pretty good these days...what could possibly be better than me being extatically happy?!?

General thoughts:
Listening to the song "Tracing" by John Mayer (an unreleased track of course cause they rock it up more than anything else) and over the past couple of months, there is one particular stanza that peterbes me. "And if you want to know the moment/i knew that i was still alone/i found i never learned your number/i only stored it in my phone/you'd think by now/i'd know the shape of calling home." It's one of those things that few probably realize, but it just hit me. How many people in your phone book are extremely important to you, yet you never glance at the number? Looking at my own phone book there are plenty of numbers that I rarely call and plenty of numbers that I contact quite often. In the same sense, some of the numbers that I rarely use are some of the ones I know best, Why? It seems so generic...just a number in a phone, right? You'd honestly think so, but when you put it in John's words ( "you'd think by now/i'd know the shape of calling home" ) it makes a difference. If its important, you memorize it for a test...so why not my phone number? If you call it often enough and if the person means a lot to you, it seems rather impersonal to not know their number when you call...

keep your wind
do not let it fly
do not let it go
~one of those random thoughts i wish i had dated in my book....

Just another day

Today's just another day like usual. Study Study Study. Thats all I ever seem to do anymore. The nights out are fun, but the work seems to pile up so fast. I can't believe the semester is just about over and I'm studying for finals. FINALS everyone--Did you hear that?? Just another thing to worry about.
I'd rather not make this blog all about myself, but more about my visions of the world. The day to day things that seem to get under my skin and get me thinking. You'll see as I get more into this and have all the time in the world.
Janesville surely doesn't have as interesting an environment as Madison, but Christmas vacation in Janesville will excite my emotions for sure since I'm going to hate, excuse me "dislike" it so much. It's times like these I wonder why I decided to keep my job at Osco in order to go home....God damn the ideas I had in my head at the beginning of the semester. Damn the ideals of my college experience. And Damn the fact that you're the one who created all of this mess. Who'd have thought I'd be the one going home every other weekend. The girl who wanted out so badly and said she was never coming home. ME OF ALL PEOPLE....and now look at me...a townie on the weekends.
That most certainly will change. I'm sick of Janesville, sick of talking about High School, and sick of all the drama.
Bottom Line: I can't even fathom the idea of being home the entire Christmas/Holiday/Festivus Break.