Last Night, You slept

I slept in my bed last night. The night after you had sweetly slept there, looking down at me while I slept away from you, in a sleeping bag, wishing and hoping that you'd see how ridiculous it would be for the two of us to sleep separately. This, however, much to my dismay, did not happen. I slept soundly while you slept soundly and when I found out that you had woken much earlier than I did, I wondered what you were up to while I was sleeping. Were you watching me sleep? Were you trying to think of the right thing to say after we both woke up...separately but together? I wonder what you were up doing besides playing with my cell phone. I wonder if you had any thoughts about me sleeping. Was it beautiful, was it cute, was it pitiful, laughable, or disturbing? I hope the latter is not what you were thinking, but how could I possibly ever know. I can still hold that image of you in the morning in my head, right? Watching you in a towel after you'd gotten out of my shower, walking around my bedroom...God that's a beautiful sight. Me? I think you're beautiful. I think you're amazing, intelligent, sexy, adorable, breathtaking...and sometimes you do take my breath away. Sometimes I realize myself acting ridiculous because I can hardly control myself when you're around I'm so frickin nervous. I want you to like me. I want you to be flattered, as flattered as I would be if you told me you felt like I do. I think I'm far too attached to the fact that you've become one of my best friends...but a friend that I think is irresistable. A friend I think is ridiculously hot in pink. A friend that I want to sleep in my own bed with. A friend I so badly want to kiss and throw my arms around. A friend that I fear will reject me, and a friend that I think will move on without me, forget me, not miss me.

Lonely Day-Phantom Planet

Today...

Just another day, really. Drove in early from Janesville to go to work at the Gap in the early afternoon so that I could come home and make a grocery list, go and get the goods for my family festivities at the apartment tomorrow, and then continue my O.C. marathon. The method of my madness? Less lonliness in watching tv and becoming obsessed over yet another t.v. show. As if Sex and the City hasn't been bad enough for my obsessive side, The O.C. has now become a new obsession, not to say this is bad. It's a good show. Lots of different plot lines that intertwine and keep the story rolling with a bit of drama. Gotta love the drama. My life? Surprisingly drama free right now. I'm having no particular family fueds, no friendly quarrels, and no major gripes about work. School? Nonexistant for a few more weeks and that's perfectly fine with me, though I'm a bit...uh...bored? Yes, I'm bored. Very bored. Yet, everyone would think that I'd be writing more. And to answer that, have I? Nope. I simply can't put myself to it.

After the conversation that I had the other night, I'm beginning to be delightfully...or putting on a delightful face at least...to prove that I can be an independent woman. Yes, I love going to the grocery store by myself on a Saturday evening. Yes, I went down to Janesville and had ice cream with one of my best friends on a Friday night instead of hanging out with someone of the opposite sex and I'll be spending a wonderful Sunday afternoon with my parents, whom I've seen quite a lot recently. And do I have any problems with that? No, not particularly, just the fact that I'm missing the one thing that I yearn for and I think everyone yearns for...a companion. Call me crazy, but having two cats hang out with you while you watch movies just isn't quite the same. If I have no plans made with anyone for Monday, I'm going to the movies...by myself. Yes, this is true. And I don't feel bad about that. I've wanted to do it for years and have I? Nope. Not yet! I love going to the movies...and the last time, not such a great experience I have to say; I'm really going to have to change that memory now that I'm thinking about it. (Note to self: Yes, that was yet another Valentine's Day completely ruined.)

Um...on top of that? I'm not quite sure. All of my failed relationships make me notice that really over and over again...I get to be the one who sits around in pain and analyzes it until I'm sick of talking about the subject. Sometimes I just go on AOL to see if Josh is on so I can shamelessly check his away message. Sometimes, I call Mike because I'm upset about something else and as much as I want to stay away from all of the old baggage, I can't help but notice that yes, I really do call him when I'm down on myself about something and need a little pick me up. (You perves! Not like that!!!) I also know that those are really the only two (technical) ex boyfriends that seem to lurk in my mind more than the average person does. On top of those two, Adam and Johnny play frequent roles inside my head. Why? who knows...they both really hurt. The 4 that killed my heart and broke it into little tiny pieces which seem, yet again "a mess that he won't want to clean up." And by "he" I mean any sort of future man in my life. Again...any future man? Probably going to be just friends. I'm not cut out for dating. Or at least it seems that way. Sometimes I'm stronger when I'm by myself, can have my own agenda, and don't have to worry about someone elese's life. Yet...there is also a special someone that I completely want and feel like "Hey! I can never have him!" And right now, that seems...um...abundantly clear. Not ready to date? My answer: No one ever is.

Now, I might not be good at this whole relationship thing...and I'm certainly not good at the stuff that comes along with it. I have my own "issues" that will keep me from dating for QUITE awhile it would seem. No one wants to deal with it? Fine with me. It's really none of their business. Then again, sometimes I feel so concealed from my own life that I think I'm none of my business!
I'm a little sick of being alone to be honest, but at the same time, I wouldn't be writing this right now on my porch at my apartment. I wouldn't be staring at the city wondering what new thing is around the corner or how a new fresh start might just be the way to change things. A little change of personality, a little change of attitude, and a little change of mindset could help...but then again, you have to believe all that kind of stuff in order to make it work, right? I'm a bit skeptical of all that sort of stuff. Mind over body. Except, people can't read minds; they can read body langauge. And that means Body over mind. And people see your body before even hearing you speak (disregarding extraneous circumstances); Body over Mind. People don't notice my personality over looking at physical appearances, and this can only be done over time. Ultimately, the first impression is made through the body, not the mind. and so Ultimately, based on what you look like, we're already selecting and sifting through the QUOTE "bad matches" END QUOTE and not looking at people for what they're worth (i.e Mind, Intelligence, Personality, (etc.) over Body). So glad I cleared that up for everyone.
Second Note to self: Relationships are not as easy in College as when they were in High School and your selection has gone way down. **It is hard to meet people when you work two jobs, take a full class load, and spend your extra time at home watching dvds of past t.v. shows** Third note to self: Go out more and stay in less watching dvds of past (probably worthless) t.v. shows.

Where is this all leaving me? With a very long stream of conscoiusness inspired blog entry about nothing.

This time, my paper bag

This time around, I've realized that while I've waited quite a long time, i.e. over a month since I've written my last entry, I'm essentially writing for myself. Not a problem there because, hey! I usually do! At any rate a lot has gone on lately and I'm not really here to keep you updated, just here to present some sream of conscoiusness writing that perhaps I can use later or to give some sort of interesting details...today, that's not so much.
The roads are crappy and filled with traffic, yet I know that you're driving to Minneapolis with your younger brother trying to lend a hand and that you're probably feeling just fine since you don't mind the drive. It's long, boring, and I don't think I could do that. Not now. Not with all this stuff on my mind and certainly not with my Fiona Apple CD since the song "Paper Bag" keeps singing in the background to in fact, keep me quite grounded. One of the lines says "Oh hunger hurts but I want him so bad oh, it kills me cause I know I'm a mess that he don't wanna clean up," which I know is more closely than not the frame of mind I'm in having to think about all the things that have gone wrong. I'm not sure how you feel and so perhaps I keep listening to it to try and make myself think, well, if he doesn't like me, it's ok, because I'm still a broken mirror that's lost a few peices and can't be glued back together. Something new will have to take my place
This time, something attempting to be bright and sunny isn't radiating through the outer covering and now I'm hidden under something dull. Just put a paper bag over my head and pretend it's all over....

...the wedding plans of happiness for someone you know when you're miserable and without love.
...the relationship where you live in the shadow and remain second best.
...the lonliness that only comes from being at home in an apartment that's over-priced that you know you can't afford with two cats who sometimes hate you too and no cable tv.
...the dreary, rainy, cold weather we've had the past few days.
...and the fact that despite my best efforts, I feel that the excitement, gushing, and lusty dreaming will only remain dreams.