Another New Year

I'm so ready for 2010. Not really sure why, but a change of pace will be good. Life is easier when I'm busy...don't ask me why that makes sense, but I have less time to spend inside my head, and that, for the most part, is a good thing. The end of my semester was a traumatic experience...not because I did horribly. (I got a 4.0 so that certainly isn't true...) I wrote some very painful confessions in a formal paper for my professor to read. Things that I would normally only write here, rather than for something I deliberately know someone will read. I had a rather difficult time attempting to get around writing about my life directly, but the assignment necessitated some soul searching and some divulging. Not one of my finer moments in terms of holding the pieces all together.

For now, I'll leave you with the final thoughts from my paper. I almost never include academic writing here, but since I'm having writer's block (Really, I'm feeling the need to write on paper these days, but haven't yet picked out which notebook I'm feeling right now...)

My philosophy on education stems from personal experience and personal triumphs over disappointment. Perhaps it is because of these wounds that I find myself relating to an Existential viewpoint, but despite these views, I am also an Idealist. Even though this seems to be an odd coupling, my background and life experiences seem to explain how I have formulated these conceptions. One of the Freedom Writers in Teaching Hope says, “The youth’s voices echo in my soul and stitch the open wounds of my past” (74). This quote simply explains how I feel about my path towards a career in education. My aim is to listen and guide students through experiences that as an adolescent are difficult to cope with, to guide them to find the truths in life, and to aid in their personal development. There may be a student like me, who had their life focused on one goal, but changed avenues and found something that they love differently, but equally. I strive to become the teacher that listens to the voice of each student, to guide him or her towards the inner truths of life, and strives for them to find their individuality or uniqueness. Perhaps with the voices of my students, I too will be able to stitch and heal the open wounds of my past.

Rings a bell in my heart....

These words keep spinning in my head...

"Within the depths of my sadness and lonliness, I can love you, Although I cannot be with you..."

Oh, my aching head will pine over this for awhile...
a sickness it creates..

Song of the Moment

I'm in love with this...

Kings of Leon-Revelry

What a night for a dance,
You know I'm a dancing machine
With a fire in my bones
And the sweet taste of kerosene

I get lost in the night
So high I don't want to come down
To face the loss
Of the good thing
That I had found

Woo hoo hoooo
Woo hoo hoooo

In the dark of the night
I can hear you callin my name
With the hardest of hearts,
I still feel full of pain

So I drink and I smoke
And I ask if you're ever around
Even though it was me who drove us
Right in the ground

See the time we shared it
Was precious to me
But all the while
I was dreamin of revelry

I wanna run baby run
Like a stream down a mountainside
With the wind at my back
I don't ever even bat an eye

Just know it was you all along
Who had a hold of my heart
But the demon and me
Were the best of friends from the start

So the time we shared it
Was precious to me
All the while
I was dreamin of revelry
Dreamin of revelry

And I told myself boy away you go
It rained so hard that it felt like snow
Everything came tumbling down on me

In the back of the woods
In the dark of night
The Palest of the old moonlight
Everything just felt so incomplete
Dreamin of revelry
Dreamin of revelry
Dreamin of Revelry....

30 Seconds til Meltdown...

I've just finished the most painful paper I've written since the poem I wrote in high school called, "Torrance." It's not the writing itself, but the content that bothers me. It's a story I'm not completely comfortable with admitting, and especially a story I do not like to share. It still pains me to think about what I've lost as a result of my physical impossibility to move forward and push through. That's simply what it is....a physical impossibility. If I push through it, it will become damaged. More physical pain. More emotional pain... As it is, I'm living with a bandage over a massive, gaping bullet hole. I haven't played my violin and years...and I hardly know myself some days because of it. The music has been pulled and stripped from me, and I'm left bare and naked in the corner. That blanket of security, now gone.

I used a quote in my paper that says, "The youth's voices echo in my soul and stitch the open wounds of my past." But, stitches do not hold back the pain...

I Love Philosophy

Someone once told me I wasn't smart enough to understand The Matrix (1999). This, I have never forgotten. It has become, and is now, one of my favorite movies. I can't begin to explain how painful that statement is, and how it has also pushed me to move forward and to break from the mold.

Today, I'm writing a paper on the different philosophical tenets imbedded within the movie. It brings a smile to my face knowing that I have the background knowledge of philosophy that will make my paper shine above the rest.

Though, I do have to say that if I were without my favorite philosophy music, a mix of Sigur Ros, Moby, and the Donnie Darko Soundtrack, I wouldn't have the same thought process while writing this paper. It is a ritual, and a bit of a supersitition about paper writing-more specifically philosophy paper writing. I've written many a paper without without this mix, however, it is a necessity for philosophy. It puts me in the right mindset to get the job done and for it to be focused and directed. No other music that I've found, as of yet, gives me the same effect. And yet, I never tire of this music, eventhough I've listened to it hundreds of times.

Song of the Day: Approach/Dream-Sigur Ros.

Again...

Sometimes I have to read things over and over again. It's a validation of the way I once felt, or being able to slip back into a moment that I want to live over again. A moment that that I can't let go of and that, like a lucid dream, I can slip back into. Sometimes its music, sometimes it's a novel, sometimes it's a feeling that sweeps through me all by itself. I'm not sure how it happens exactly, but the threads of the past are woven tightly throughout me. For right now, I just finished revisiting The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks. It's an entirely cliche novel, but one that I could read over and over again, and it would still bring out the same emotions in me. I would still cry at the same points in the story, I would still feel the rush of excitement when I hear about the love of Noah and Allie. It still overcomes me and I'm lost in the emotion. I feel like all of my senses are on a higher level. I remember where I was when I was reading it. I remember the music in the background, the late evening hours I spent finishing the book, and if I looked through journals of poetry, I'm sure I could approximate the time frame in which I finished the novel. I feel like I can hear the words in the letters Noah writes to Allie, I can smell the outdoors and the rain while they canoe. I can also smell my own surroundings better for some reason...I'm sure it's a physical hightened sense of smell because of the crying and the clearing of my sinuses, but I tend to shy away from the scientific reasoning behind this phenomena. I'm more interested in the emotion behind it.

There are certain albums that make me feel this way...

John Mayer's Room For Squares It's an album that has multiple meanings for me, but I remember those moments very well...

Moby's Play It still gives me butterflies. The good kind.

Staind's Break The Cycle Aaron Lewis, you spoke to me when I needed to hear.


And then there are certain songs:

Eric Clapton's Wonderful Tonight
Fleetwood Mac's Landslide
Debussy's Claire de Lune
Jason Mraz-Who Needs Shelter
Imogen Heap-Hide and Seek
Tori Amos-Gold Dust

The song that reminds me of reading The Notebook: John Mayer's Great Indoors. It's more of a mood set rather than the lyrics specifically.


There are more...but those are the first to come to mind.

It pains me to know that most people are not so in touch with their emotions...or with their own minds. I know I'm am stuck inside of my own head most of the time, but I wouldn't give this up. Never would I give up how intuitive I am to my own feelings. I delight in the moments when I feel as if I am weightless, where I do not feel the burdens of everyday, though these moments have gotten shorter and shorter as I've gotten older. I hope that as I become older, they will become more frequent and longer. I delight in the moments where I feel like my head is all that matters and the thoughts inside of it, full of insightful things meant only for myself. Perhaps that's selfish of me, but they were made for me and no one else. This is not a fault of the brain, but a gift of the self.


I get pulled in by the emotion, but I just can't let it go...

Writers World...

I've been a bit of a writer for years. I've dabbled into various mediums trying to figure which I like best, but mostly I'm a free verse writer. Not really social commentary, but self realization I suppose. I think the best moments when I'm writing are when I'm thinking about music, though I woudln't call myself a music writer, a music critic, or (really) a music analyst. There's just something about listening to the right music when I'm writing, or I feel most inspired to write about, well, anything, once I've had that transcendent moment with music (see post: Have to Write...)

I'm getting back in the grove of writing on my blog and attempting to find more time to write here, and that's always a struggle. There are times I want to run from what I believe, run away from the thoughts that get bottled up in my head, and really, that's where this comes in for me. Writing is like therapy for me. It brings me clarity the same way running does.

I guess I should have known years ago that as much as I love music and as much as I can't live without it, I can't live without my writing more. All the way through my earlier years, I never left the house without a notebook and a pen. I haven't done this since I started college I suppose. Now, I always have my planner with me, almost always have a novel of some kind along in my purse. These things are important to me, but I have my planner to keep me on time and a book to take up time while I'm waiting. Essentially, my life now revolves around time instead of leisure. I made the sacrifices in some of the things I loved, to create new things I love. I value the education that I have and that I worked so hard for it. I began to write different things, but I still wrote. My music has come and gone through periods now and it is very painful to think of beginning again. I haven't played in so long, I'm sure I still could, and I'm sure I still want to, but the fear eats at me. What if it still physically hurts? and an even bigger fear...what if it doesn't?

I can continue to write all the way through my life, and I plan on doing just that. There are some major fears in my mind about it though. Will I be able to have the writers world that I want? Will I someday be able to have a room of my own for writing? Will I find solitude in writing and reading the way I naievely did years earlier? I certainly hope that those parts of me have not died as I've become more and more practical. I've always been emotional, affected by everything around me. It is hard for me to take my emotions out of my work. It is hard for me to not find the little tidbits in novels that show the most emotion, show heartache, or devastation. The parts that mostly affect mering deep inside of me, but for some time now have gotten lost in the everyday menial tasks of life. The everday seems more important and rates an "A" on my list of things to take care of. Writing, of course, is further down the list. Having time to reflect is certainly something I find meaningful and important for many reasons. Honestly, having the time to sift through it gives me a grip on reality, even if it is only the reality that I see.

TR-009 Edge of Desire

Because today, I just can't write for myself....


Young and full of running, tell me where has that taken me? Just a great figure eight or a tiny infinitiy?
Love is really nothing, but a dream that keeps waking me
For all of my trying, we still end up dying, How can it be?

Don't say a word, just come over and lie here with me/'Cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see/I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe/There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me.

So you and full of running, All the way to the Edge of Desire. Steady my breathing, silently screaming. I have to have you now, Wired and I'm tired. IThink i'll sleep in my clothes on teh floor, or mauybe this mattress will spin on its axis, and Find me on yours.

Don't say a word, just come over and lie here with me/'Cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see/I want you so bad I'll go back on the things I believe/There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me....

What happened to me?

As a true part of my character, I always feel like I should be evolving. Changing, morphing, advancing, call it what you may. But lately, I feel a lot less like myself than I used to. I'm doing something I love, in a place I enjoy, and my life is pretty much uncomplicated. But right now, I feel like a different version of myself. I used to have so much spunk, so much anger. I've changed in ways I didn't think I would and I've become something that on most days I'm happy with. Perhaps I'm holding on to my rebellious days a bit too much, but sometimes I just can't hack living in a world with bright colors and happy people 24/7. I've dealt with things people my age shouldn't have to. I've lost friends who were dear to me, both physically and emotionally. I lost the most inspiring person in my life and live just far enough away from home that it doesn't ache as much anymore. I've been emotionally disconnected from people I care about just to make things easier to cope with. I'm alienated. Perhaps that is why I connect so well with literature and why it speaks to me so much. I like the stories; I like hearing about other people's heartache since then it doesn't make mine feel so bad. I read to get away from what I'm going through, and learn to cope with what others describe.

For the rest of my life, I want to write.

That's something I can be sure of. I've written this blog on and off for years, but I always come back to it and it's the only medium I feel comfortable with lately. I used to write poetry. Like mad. I will never throw out the notebooks filled with verse because for a period of my life, that's all I felt like I had. I had my thoughts, and a notebook, and luckily a few very close friends that stuck by me.

Yes, for years I used to be dark and twisty inside. Black was the sole color in my wardrobe and the only thing that made me feel comfortable. I was aching and falling and slipping fast. Something happened at that point, and I turned into something else. The best way to deal with that, I guess, was to change. I've changed my image many times. Been back and forth between the me that seems right, and the me that's playing a role. I've gotten better at hiding the things that ail me. I've gotten better at fitting in. I've gotten better at covering up the dark and twisty. Perhaps that's the reason people always think I'm older than I am. Perhaps I look more weathered than people my own age, who carry innocence on their sleeves instead of heartache.

I'm trying to hold onto certain parts of the me that makes me feel most at home. The one where I'm in tune with how I feel and in tune with how I'm affected by things. I'm not the girl who wears only black anymore, though I miss that life. I am still the girl who paints her nails dark colors, and not just because it's in style. I feel most comfortable when I have my thoughts written down and when I've taken the time to realize how I really feel about something, and forget the rest of what's going on and am completely lost in the moment. When really, that moment is all about me. I have those moments so rarely anymore, and I used to live in those moments. Somehow, I need to have those moments back. I need to hang on to what used to be me, because that's where I feel the most comfortable. I kid myself when I laugh off people saying that I'm

"deep."

I, of course, think this is ridiculous because this is the way I've always been. I'm a pessimist, never the optimist. I've lived outside the box for many years. I'm the secret, silent type hidden in the corner. I cry when no one is around to see it. I keep a lot to myself, sometimes to my detriment.

I'm constantly morphing and changing, that I know for sure. There are things I can't let go of, things that I'm not very good with coping from. I have a chip on my shoulder, and mostly I spend a lot of time trying to cover that up. But what's so wrong with showing it? I still have to hang on to the part of me that made me who I am now. I can't always be the person that everyone else wants me to be, I have to be myself. I can't forget like all of those things didn't happen to me, and that certain parts of my life didn't exist. I can't let go of everything that once was in order to fit into the world I have now. I am who I am because of those things. I can't be me without all of those experiences.

No conformity; I have to be myself. That, I'm not willing to compromise.

Have to Write...

Some people have to speak, some people have to take a drive...I have to write. If I'm frustrated or need to sort things out, I need to run. If I have that itch where I'm feeling emotional, or I'm on the cusp of something, or that I just feel completely moved (an indescribable feeling, really), then I HAVE to write. Have to, like I won't be able to do anything else UNTIL I've written. That time is now.

It almost always happens when I've listened to the perfect song for the moment where I literally cannot move forward unless I've listened to the song over and over again, and over, over, over.... I'm sure my neighbors hate it, but this isn't about them. It's about me, a keyboard, and this blog. Or under other circumstances...me, a pen, and a notebook. Music brings it all together for me. The feeling is rarely there without it.

This song, this feeling...the feeling of having to write. THIS is where my life is. The most connected to myself I feel is when I'm doing just this. It's sad really that it doesn't happen more often, but the times when I've completely gotten into my head and there is no distraction...this is the core of life. It's the emotion of the chords, that feeling of the vibrations from the music on my chest, that moment when the music is transmitted into my body and literally flows through it. The spirit of the music floats through and runs through my veins more when I'm listening to it, or when I'm producing it. (The later happens on such a rare occasion, it's barely worth mentioning.)

It isn't merely the melody that's in the background either. It's that transcendent moment when the spoken/sung lyric word and the melodic performed chords/notes breed together to form that piece of music. That moment is the one that brings me to tears. It overcomes me with such a strong force, that once it begins, there is no stopping it from happening. I'm stuck in a moment where there is nothing else. It is timeless. It's the love of my life, the everything that makes that moment move on to the next, the thread that holds it all together.

Beyond that moment, when the music takes over, there is the coming down from that high moment when it all fits together, into something that is no longer about me in an empty space with the music, but about the everyday hours of life. Now everything moves forward and farther away from that moment where everything was together, everything had meaning, everything was...well, whole. It's lost and I'm swimming in the middle of the ocean looking for the shore. It's a dream that you wake up from, but so badly want to lucid dream back into existence. I'm running towards that transcendent moment-hoping, praying-that it will come back to me. It's so sporadic that I can only wish that the notes will guide me yet again.

Growing Up...(Read: Growth Rant)

Sometimes I feel like I'm getting old. Maybe experienced beyond my years is a better way to put it...yes, I'll roll with it. Technically, I'm a young person. No one ever thinks I'm in my early 20's. Almost everyone thinks I'm over 25. Usually, I take this as a good thing since I don't really look like I'm over 25, but I act like it. I've had a lot of growing up to do in my childhood, a lot of life experiences that have weathered me, so to say.

Today, I went out for a business lunch with some co-workers, which wasn't technically a working lunch, but it wasn't exactly "off the clock." With that said, there is a certain business etiquette that goes along with interacting with your co-workers-in any atmosphere. There are certain things that your co-workers don't need to know about you, your background, or about your social life. I don't need to know, and your boss certainly doesn't want to hear about the crazy weekend you had getting drunk with your friends, or even how you saw a really embarrassingly drunk person at a NASCAR race last weekend. Talking about your, or your friends, or even people you don't know that are drinking or drunk is NOT an appropriate work discussion-in the office or over lunch.

With that said, there is certain table etiquette that should be followed under all circumstances, almost completely without exception. (Obviously, there are certain exceptions that apply to these rules.) My biggest pet peeve of which is when people start to discuss things that may keep others from enjoying their meal. Specifically, it is inappropriate to discuss "smelly" things at the eating table. Sorry, but a discussion of how you used to clean cow barns or horse stalls is not exactly my idea of appetizing. This is certainly not something to brag about. Discussion of this topic should be used in appropriate situations only, and certainly NEVER over a meal.

I'm not sure why people my own age don't understand these simple concepts. When someone complements your shirt, you do not instantly say, "Thank you, it is from Store X!" It isn't necessary to tell someone that information, and I think it's rude. If someone comments and keeps discussing it, then sure, you could mention it given the right situation, but in conversation with someone you have never met before, or with someone who is just passing by, this is NOT necessary. (This is a SERIOUS pet peeve of mine.) For one thing, if it's really expensive (Or Brand Name), it looks like you're showing off because you have the money to be able to afford it. On the other hand, if you bought it at a cheaper store, even if readily available, it looks as if you are trying to "one up" someone by saying you found a better deal than they did, or that your tastes are better since you picked it out at a discount store. Not everyone needs to know that your top is from a name brand store! I would think that if you are in a business setting, even if on a business lunch, that people would find this sort of behavior inappropriate. I guess I give people too much credit sometimes.

Maybe I feel like I'm getting old because I sometimes feel like I'm around teenagers instead of young adults in their 20's, but there are certain things everyone should know in order to function in society-especially in a business setting. Act accordingly.

The View

I was watching a re-run of The View this morning and Goldberg read this statistic (though I'm not sure who they surveyed...), "22% of women ages 18-24 who consider themselves attractive would rather lose the ability to read than their figure." Seriously ladies!? I realize we live in a materialistic, very visual society, but I would never want to lose the ability to read. Of course, I'm a big reader and advocate for those to become readers, but that aside, I can't believe that 22% of women are more focused on their bodies than their education. I seriously had more confidence in the female population than that.

In a Funk...

Not sure where I am right now...I feel a bit like I'm on the cusp of something, but I can't figure out exactly what its all about and I can't figure out what exactly I'm looking for. I'm searching for something; I can feel that much.

Things I know for sure:

I'm bored out of my freaking mind.
I am not motivated.
I've been sick the past few days, but I feel guilty about it and I feel lazy.

And where does that leave me? Ugh, with nothing. Must. Find. Motivation.

Celebrity Trend: Hot or Not?

It seems like every other day a new celebrity has announced that they are writing a book. Beyond the normal, "Did x-celebrity actually write the book?" I wonder what other people are thinking about the sudden crazy with the celebrity-written book. Jennifer Love Hewitt is writing a self-help book, Lauren Conrad just wrote a novel, and Tori Spelling has now written two books. Now, I’m not saying these celebrities are Jessica Simpson, but I’m a bit worried about the future of publishing when all of these celebrity-written books keep coming out. I mean, really, what does Jennifer Love Hewitt know about dating, other than dating inside the celebrity dating pool? She’s been an actress for many years and has dated all over the place, but does that mean she has real life experience in the field? Probably not. Likewise, Lauren Conrad is writing a book that is loosely based on her experience being filmed in the Hollywood hills. Don’t get me wrong, I adore Lauren Conrad and have a lot of faith in her to be very successful, but writing a novel was not something I really pictured her being a part of. Tori Spelling may be one of the few who got the right idea on piecing together a memoir. Writing a tell-all about your own life as a celebrity is the tabloid of writing, but all the same, it gives you a better understanding of the person at hand, it gives you a sense of the ins and outs of what really happened, and the celebrity profits from work they (hopefully) have done instead of selling photos to a magazine. I’m not saying that I agree with having all celebrities write a memoir, but I can see why they would do it and the market for it is good. I’m not downing the celebs that want to write other things, but if I can be frank, they aren’t novelists. They became famous for something entirely different, and in an attempt to branch into a different market, are perhaps missing the mark a bit.

Admittedly, I’ve read Tori Spelling’s book, STori Telling. I thought it was interesting to get an inside look into her life and it gave her a chance to explain how she was brought up, and how her relationship with her parents has helped (and even hindered) her. I do not, however, think that it was eloquently written. On the other hand, the book doesn’t need to be. It’s a no frills style that gets its message across.

If I found a copy of Lauren Conrad’s novel, L.A. Candy, at a local second hand bookshop, I would absolutely buy a copy and read it on a Saturday afternoon curled up on the couch. I’m not sure I’d pay full price for a copy, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t interested in what her writing style says about her. I’m sure there are several scenes that will be right out of The Hills, Conrad’s former television show, and as a fan of the show, I’m sure I’d enjoy them just as much.

The downside to having these celebrity-written books on the market is not about the writing style of the author, or the quality of the product because I’m sure their marketing is well placed, but I wonder about the intentions of writing the books. Could it possibly be that when they were children, they wanted to write books instead of acting? I would hope that some little part of them wanting to be writers comes into play, but who can say. I can only hope that these writers are out here for the readers, and not for the extra publicity for themselves, or worse yet, for the financial gains of writing a Bestseller.

What do we think about celebrity writers?

Things I Want...

Lately, I've been feeling a little strayed by everything and that makes me think a lot about what matters and what I need to stay focused. Mostly, I'm worried about losing myself in all of these new experiences and trying to act a certain way and upholding a certain standard. I'm getting lost in what other people want and expect and I'm losing myself and what I want. With all of that, my new task is to compile a list of what I want and what I want to accomplish.

1. Be a Career Woman
2. Own my Own Business
3. Write a book or articles for a magazine
4. Get additional schooling
5. Get married
6. Have a family
7. Own a home
8. Learn to Sew
9. Get involved nationally with the AAOA
10. Run a half-marathon (eventually a marathon)

...that's just a start.

Time Passed

It's been awhile since I've written and so I'm feeling the need to get back into it. I've been busy doing a little of this and a little of that, and so I'm back to my normal mischief.

I can't stop thinking about this book that I read recently, and about the new book I'm currently reading. It's hard to separate the love from both of them, and to keep the two separate, but reading what I call a "real" piece of literature makes it seem like some of the other things I've read seem so trivial. And, with that said, I have a hard time getting into my self-imposed books of real literature after reading frivolity. I love both, but I have a hard time separating between the book that takes me awhile to get into and the book that I can immediately feel as if I'm personally in the story. Some writers can get me in their story on the first page, and others take a bit longer. Then, there are the stories that I should read, the ones that I really want to read, that are considered great literature by a great many people, and mostly, I find those hard to get into...because...well, I'm not sure. Maybe I put so much pressure on myself to love them or that I "have" to read them, that it feels like such work instead of something I should enjoy. It's not leisure then, it's work.

Not sure where to leave those thoughts but, my reading list for the next couple of months (if not longer) includes:

A Tree Grows in Brooklyn (Betty Smith)
Law School Confidential (Miller)
Writings on an Ethical Life (Peter Singer)
Grace (Eventually), thoughts on Faith (Anne Lamott)
Atlas Shrugged (Ayn Rand)
The Sun Also Rises (Hemingway)
...and various other Grisham novels if I get the chance.

Just something I've been thinking about.

Music Therapy

With my Paramore obsession in full blow, I'm, as always, feeling most connected to the music world and what the music says to me. Yesterday an unfortunate incident happened to me and I'm attempting to cope with how I feel about it. I won't explain it because that would just be downright childish of me to write about, but all the same, I'm upset that some things cannot stay what was and evolve into something new, grow into something better. There's something spiritual about moving from one new chapter of life into something more meaningful, yet there are some moments when the past becomes your present and you have to deal with it as it comes. I'm not one to be so great at this task, to say the least. I'd like to leave my past, well, in the past. There's no reason to bring it up in the present unless necessary and there isn't a reason to keep having it rise to the surface. With that said, yesterday was not one of my best days in trying to deal with overwhelming circumstances in life.

I'm not sure where I stand on this issue. I'm torn between wanting to be fair and rational, and wanting to reconcile a crappy situation. And, one that I am not happy with. My past life was special to me, and I wish that it would be remembered that way. Not with everything that went wrong.

In other news, the newest issue of People Style Watch is out for February and I'm excited. It's a whole new guide to what's still hot from fall to bring into summer and what things are definiately out. Not that I'll be able to dabble in the more expensive gear for the season, I'm still in awe of how everything changes and from fall to spring in the fashion world. I love the glossy magazines and the pictures of the newest fashions. Although, it always gets me when "messy chic" and "sophistocated simplicity" can be in at the same time. Does this not seem odd?! Skinny jeans are here to stay, even though I'm not personally a fan for my body type, if I found the right pair, I'd still give it a shot. Although, skinny distressed jeans are evidently really hot, except I'm not sure that this look really works. Just like I'm not sure if the Boyfriend jeans that Katie Holmes has made popular in recent days really works for anyone that isn't a size OO. Ruffles are in making quite a statement right now, casual or dressy. A fun little trend to try. People Style Watch seems to say that oversize shades are here to stay but in different shapes. I'm alright with this trend, even though I think it's been over done, but I still like it.

There are, however, two trends that I'm not exactly on par with. Bib necklaces are tacky in my opinion. It's a bit too much and though the mag says you could wear it with a plain white T or the infamous little black dress, I find it hard to believe that these statement pieces make the best addition to any outfit. Secondly, cropped trousers (mostly seen with pleats) are NEVER flattering. Flood pants are not my idea of sexy and I'd be interested to find someone who thought this was going to work for someone over a size 2. Especially when the once I've seen recently are tapered. Didn't tapered pants go out in the 80's? I'm pretty sure the trend should have stayed in the 80's and I'm nearly positive it won't catch on. And there ends my rant on spring fashion. For now...

What I know for sure is that I need to run, to think things through in my head and get some things off of my mind...
More on life later.

Who?

Music of the Moment: Quickly by John Legend (Feat. Brandy) and Paramore "I Caught Myself"

A Life without passion is not living, it's merely existing."

I've been thinking a lot lately about love and life. My life used to be completely about the music. I lived and breathed every moment of it and everything had it's own tune. Every jam had it's own feel, it's own story and personality. Each note on the page kept me hanging waiting for the next, waiting for that pivital moment when the next would sweep me away from reality and gently lay me down in the slur of the melody. I still feel that way when I'm in the moment with the music, but it doesn't happen as often. Perhaps I'm more selective than I used to be about my music, but I've come to be very elitist about what I listen to on a normal basis.

As with anything else, the loves of my life have changed from person to person, from brand to brand, from song to song. Even though my influence comes from different places based on different times, I can't keep but thinking that sometimes things don't go as we planned. I keep thinking that somewhere around the corner is my own musical ability coming back to me. Years ago, I left the music that I loved. The music I created. Whether that be vocals or violin, I always thought that was my life. And I defined myself that way. After singing in countless choirs and playing in countless orchestra settings, I could think of nothing else but becoming a musician. I would do nothing else but live and breathe the music that I loved, and for a long time that's exactly what I did. Until I got so discouraged and my hands caused me such pain that I was lost. I was devastated and felt like everything I knew was gone. I struggled with what to do and how to proceed. I tried to truck on through everything, anything, as long as it kept me from thinking that my dream was gone.

And maybe that's what it was. Always a dream that was unattainable? I can't help but imagine that my life has changed so much from what I always thought it would be. I wanted to be be signed to a record label. I wanted to have a recording contract and sing in front of hundreds of thousands of people. I wanted to play violin and help others learn to play along the way. I went from thinking about signing album covers, to wanting to teach others how to play, to wanting the music to heal people. And I still think about those things sometimes. I still think music therapy is the best way to go because in so many ways, music has been a therapy for me...except in the one way it could be-healing my broken dream. Music has taken me so many places and it has healed so many other broken things for me, but this one thing, it has failed me.

Passion has sparked in other areas for me, but I always seem to come back to the idea that it's not what I had always wanted in life. Perhaps I'm not sure what I did want in life to beign with, and that all of those dreams of being a musician, were childhood dreams that I tried to hold onto for too long, but without the music I once lived, I sometimes feel like I'm 'merely existing' as the quote goes, instead of living a life of passion. And perhaps I want what Miranda Hobbes calls "passion on top of passion."

I have a passion for education, for fashion, for literature, for love that moves you to your core, for living a healthy lifestyle, for leaving my mark on the world. But, what I can't figure out is how exactly I'm doing that. I love fashion and most times feel like I should work in the industry, but I also long for furthering my education with additional schooling. I also long for a healthier version of myself. (Read: smaller version of myself.) But, every so often, even though I have a new path, I mourn the loss of my old path and it becomes very difficult to think of anything else. Sometimes I feel a lot like the girl in "Grey Street." And it takes me a few days to realize how to fill that emptiness, unknown to me what seems to fill it. And it does in fact, break my heart, just likes hers.

When I think about who I am, it seems changed over time, and because I keep questioning myself at the moment, I can't pinpoint who exactly I am. I'm the girl that's overly emotional, that gets caught up in a moment and stays there, I get stuck and right now, I'm stuck at the road block of life. And, like the girl in Paramore's song, I don't know what I want. What I do know I want, is a love that strikes my core. A love that gets me caught up in the moment. A love that makes me think of nothing else. A love that gives me all the tingles, over and over and over again. A love that takes me down with it. A love that I can swim in without drowning. Maybe, though, the love that I'm describing is the one that drowns you and takes you under. A love that's pushing and pulling me down.

And where does this all leave me? With more questions. Ultimately, Paramore is right.
I don't know what I want.