What happened to me?

As a true part of my character, I always feel like I should be evolving. Changing, morphing, advancing, call it what you may. But lately, I feel a lot less like myself than I used to. I'm doing something I love, in a place I enjoy, and my life is pretty much uncomplicated. But right now, I feel like a different version of myself. I used to have so much spunk, so much anger. I've changed in ways I didn't think I would and I've become something that on most days I'm happy with. Perhaps I'm holding on to my rebellious days a bit too much, but sometimes I just can't hack living in a world with bright colors and happy people 24/7. I've dealt with things people my age shouldn't have to. I've lost friends who were dear to me, both physically and emotionally. I lost the most inspiring person in my life and live just far enough away from home that it doesn't ache as much anymore. I've been emotionally disconnected from people I care about just to make things easier to cope with. I'm alienated. Perhaps that is why I connect so well with literature and why it speaks to me so much. I like the stories; I like hearing about other people's heartache since then it doesn't make mine feel so bad. I read to get away from what I'm going through, and learn to cope with what others describe.

For the rest of my life, I want to write.

That's something I can be sure of. I've written this blog on and off for years, but I always come back to it and it's the only medium I feel comfortable with lately. I used to write poetry. Like mad. I will never throw out the notebooks filled with verse because for a period of my life, that's all I felt like I had. I had my thoughts, and a notebook, and luckily a few very close friends that stuck by me.

Yes, for years I used to be dark and twisty inside. Black was the sole color in my wardrobe and the only thing that made me feel comfortable. I was aching and falling and slipping fast. Something happened at that point, and I turned into something else. The best way to deal with that, I guess, was to change. I've changed my image many times. Been back and forth between the me that seems right, and the me that's playing a role. I've gotten better at hiding the things that ail me. I've gotten better at fitting in. I've gotten better at covering up the dark and twisty. Perhaps that's the reason people always think I'm older than I am. Perhaps I look more weathered than people my own age, who carry innocence on their sleeves instead of heartache.

I'm trying to hold onto certain parts of the me that makes me feel most at home. The one where I'm in tune with how I feel and in tune with how I'm affected by things. I'm not the girl who wears only black anymore, though I miss that life. I am still the girl who paints her nails dark colors, and not just because it's in style. I feel most comfortable when I have my thoughts written down and when I've taken the time to realize how I really feel about something, and forget the rest of what's going on and am completely lost in the moment. When really, that moment is all about me. I have those moments so rarely anymore, and I used to live in those moments. Somehow, I need to have those moments back. I need to hang on to what used to be me, because that's where I feel the most comfortable. I kid myself when I laugh off people saying that I'm

"deep."

I, of course, think this is ridiculous because this is the way I've always been. I'm a pessimist, never the optimist. I've lived outside the box for many years. I'm the secret, silent type hidden in the corner. I cry when no one is around to see it. I keep a lot to myself, sometimes to my detriment.

I'm constantly morphing and changing, that I know for sure. There are things I can't let go of, things that I'm not very good with coping from. I have a chip on my shoulder, and mostly I spend a lot of time trying to cover that up. But what's so wrong with showing it? I still have to hang on to the part of me that made me who I am now. I can't always be the person that everyone else wants me to be, I have to be myself. I can't forget like all of those things didn't happen to me, and that certain parts of my life didn't exist. I can't let go of everything that once was in order to fit into the world I have now. I am who I am because of those things. I can't be me without all of those experiences.

No conformity; I have to be myself. That, I'm not willing to compromise.