And so it is, just like you said it would be...
So the movie starts, and beautifully ends. I think it's quite possible that the writer of this story instantaneously knew the story of my life as well. Right now, I'm sitting here, stunned, in awe of this movie. The random people we meet who hurt us so badly and ultimately end up to mean nothing. Kinda funny how that all worked out for me. Jude Law's character, Dan, meets the character played by Natalie Portman, somewhat like how I seemed to have met you. Completely random with a fling of "here's how you can find me." Then Jude Law meets Julia Roberts...and all hell breaks lose. You came and went, taking a little piece of me with you. You're destroying me...
On top of that, my wrist is completely killing me. I know I need to see a doctor and I know I need to have it checked out, but I'm scared to hear the results. I know there's something wrong, something out of place. I broke down about it earlier and I'm going to break down about it right now too. Why do I have such problems with my hands?! Years of destructive playing? What if I really was supposed to be a musician and now look at me...ruined hands. That's what keeps me from going to do the doctor. What if they're ruined? I can't give up my life and not play ever again
I'm completely falling apart...and everything's so god damn confusing. Decisions, Decisions. I'm not very good at making the right ones... You're there one minute and then you're gone...Why are you doing this to me now? It's killing me...what do you want to ask me? Why aren't you telling me...you're one of my best friends. My analytic mind is kicking me in the ass. It's quite possible that you didn't mean that, and you really did mean someone else...
but why would you say that? ugh...i'm adding up all the "signals" and I'm just thinking too much. We've done this. Twice. Why now? Why NOW am I thinking that it might be different?
I'm trying not to think back years go...but I am. I know it was the best decision I've ever made and maybe the only good one I've made...but, what if i HADN'T made that decision...let you go...that moment changed my life (and yours)...forever. I'm too young for that kind of commitment. I know I'm still too young for that, but God, I miss feeling that. God damn it, i put you through therapy. What the hell is wrong with me? What kind of concieted bitch sends someone to therapy?? But then again, what kind of man throws a woman to the floor? I know I shouldn't be trying to reason with this...but I just keep thinking "what if?"
I can't keep my mind focused on anything right now...
...can't take my mind off of you.
Monday, May 16, 2005
Thursday, May 12, 2005
Sitting in Sadness
Studied in the afternoon with Bronwyn at Starbucks because god damn i needed a cup of coffee. I was up last night chatting and then rolled around in bed for a bit because I just couldn't sleep. I miss sleeping with someone next to me, that feeling of extra warmness. My bed's been so cold lately and I'm sick of all the games that men play. I'm sick of sitting around and waiting for someone to just magically appear in my life. I want that consuming, ridiculous, unexplainable type of love....
Right now, I feel so void of all that. I'm not putting myself out there to get used. You can't just keep coming around when you want something and leaving me on the back burner. Intimacy doesn't work that way. I've been so dulled lately, not feeling anything from these people and i'm sick of it. Seriously, what happened to dating? It's a nonexistent form of courtship. I feel like everyone I meet is secretly saying "hi, you're around and not busy, let's have sex!" and I'm just not that type of girl. It all started with you, and i'm seriously just sick of being pushed around like that. The only reason I ever decided to start being intimate with you in the first place is because I wanted to be with you. And why was that so hard to believe? We have great conversation, a fun time together, and you used to be one of my really good friends. i was looking for that sort of respectable love and thought that it would turn into that, but then it just fell apart. I met someone else and after Josh, everything seems to have gone downhill. Dating isn't what I thought it was anymore. It's been so long since I've really felt loved and now that I'm thinking about it, Josh, sometimes I wonder if you even ever felt close to that with me. But once things came to a crashing end with you (and not so beautifully crashed at that...), I went back to my old ways and decided love wasn't the way to go. Hermie, you filled that void for me awhile and yet, then November rolled around and I met the biggest jackass of my life. Seriously, why me? That isn't a learning experience, it was a kick in the ass. Hermie, you're comin back to bite me in the ass on the third round and I'm refusing to let myself get consumed by that. I want it all, or nothing at all...
And then there's you...I'm not sure where you fall in the middle of all this. Frankly, I don't even know why it started.
Why am I still sitting here in my lonliness?
Right now, I feel so void of all that. I'm not putting myself out there to get used. You can't just keep coming around when you want something and leaving me on the back burner. Intimacy doesn't work that way. I've been so dulled lately, not feeling anything from these people and i'm sick of it. Seriously, what happened to dating? It's a nonexistent form of courtship. I feel like everyone I meet is secretly saying "hi, you're around and not busy, let's have sex!" and I'm just not that type of girl. It all started with you, and i'm seriously just sick of being pushed around like that. The only reason I ever decided to start being intimate with you in the first place is because I wanted to be with you. And why was that so hard to believe? We have great conversation, a fun time together, and you used to be one of my really good friends. i was looking for that sort of respectable love and thought that it would turn into that, but then it just fell apart. I met someone else and after Josh, everything seems to have gone downhill. Dating isn't what I thought it was anymore. It's been so long since I've really felt loved and now that I'm thinking about it, Josh, sometimes I wonder if you even ever felt close to that with me. But once things came to a crashing end with you (and not so beautifully crashed at that...), I went back to my old ways and decided love wasn't the way to go. Hermie, you filled that void for me awhile and yet, then November rolled around and I met the biggest jackass of my life. Seriously, why me? That isn't a learning experience, it was a kick in the ass. Hermie, you're comin back to bite me in the ass on the third round and I'm refusing to let myself get consumed by that. I want it all, or nothing at all...
And then there's you...I'm not sure where you fall in the middle of all this. Frankly, I don't even know why it started.
Why am I still sitting here in my lonliness?
Monday, May 09, 2005
Such Great Heights
Tonight's my last night as a Freshman in College and I'm really just trying to take it all in. The city looks so boring from the window tonight. Not a lot of people walking around, hardly any cars on the road, and hardly any noise. The city's quiet tonight.
The sky is blue, the sun just getting ready to set where it starts to fade into different colors of reds and oranges in the middle of the sky. I can see so many of the buildings from my window that I'm going to miss being away from for those few short months back in janesville. Perfect view of the Roundhouse, Towers, and the Red Gym. The view of the Vilas Building, Humanities and Elvejehm Art, University Square, and Gordon Commons.
I'm listening to the sappy music that of will of course make me cry if I listen to it more than twice. This of course will inevitably happen. I just can't get enough of this song. The more I listen to it, the more I can just remember thinking those sorts of things in my head at one point. I'm not even sure what's going on in my head right now. I know I'm not going to have this same view ever again, and I'm really just trying to take it in. The song, I'll hear again, and I know i'll wish it was being sung to just me. I feel like I'm being robbed of all the songs that people may have written about me. I'm just having one of those moments, those real human moments, where I'm connected with nothing but myself and everything else just seems to go on as I sit and watch it, taking it all in. The trees are still, but the cars and the people on the streets move and go on with their lives. I'm just one of those trees standing there watching, having no other purpose. I'm sure you wrote a few songs about me and yet, I don't remember if you ever did. I'm sure now that most of them are about how things went wrong, how cold and angered I was. Am I inevitably just destined to act that way with everyone? The more you shut the door in my face, the more I wonder, is everything just going to continually just get worse? there was the peak of course when everything was seemingly so perfect, and yet, everything drastically went down from there. This campus is full of those who really aren't looking for what i am. What happened to those real moments, the ones where you just lie in bed discussing everything, thoughts, experiences, laughs...? Do none of these people exist? The stay at home types that like to make a romantic dinner, cuddle over a movie, and stay up all night talking. The play me a song type, listen to the lyrics, read me your poetry. Apparantly the male counterpart of me doesn't exist.
Someone around here must have some sort of emotion. Play your music for me, excite some sort of emotion in me. Right now i'm so void of it, disconnected even. and I guess that means "i'll go with nothing."
oh how I wish you knew you were singing right to me...
The sky is blue, the sun just getting ready to set where it starts to fade into different colors of reds and oranges in the middle of the sky. I can see so many of the buildings from my window that I'm going to miss being away from for those few short months back in janesville. Perfect view of the Roundhouse, Towers, and the Red Gym. The view of the Vilas Building, Humanities and Elvejehm Art, University Square, and Gordon Commons.
I'm listening to the sappy music that of will of course make me cry if I listen to it more than twice. This of course will inevitably happen. I just can't get enough of this song. The more I listen to it, the more I can just remember thinking those sorts of things in my head at one point. I'm not even sure what's going on in my head right now. I know I'm not going to have this same view ever again, and I'm really just trying to take it in. The song, I'll hear again, and I know i'll wish it was being sung to just me. I feel like I'm being robbed of all the songs that people may have written about me. I'm just having one of those moments, those real human moments, where I'm connected with nothing but myself and everything else just seems to go on as I sit and watch it, taking it all in. The trees are still, but the cars and the people on the streets move and go on with their lives. I'm just one of those trees standing there watching, having no other purpose. I'm sure you wrote a few songs about me and yet, I don't remember if you ever did. I'm sure now that most of them are about how things went wrong, how cold and angered I was. Am I inevitably just destined to act that way with everyone? The more you shut the door in my face, the more I wonder, is everything just going to continually just get worse? there was the peak of course when everything was seemingly so perfect, and yet, everything drastically went down from there. This campus is full of those who really aren't looking for what i am. What happened to those real moments, the ones where you just lie in bed discussing everything, thoughts, experiences, laughs...? Do none of these people exist? The stay at home types that like to make a romantic dinner, cuddle over a movie, and stay up all night talking. The play me a song type, listen to the lyrics, read me your poetry. Apparantly the male counterpart of me doesn't exist.
Someone around here must have some sort of emotion. Play your music for me, excite some sort of emotion in me. Right now i'm so void of it, disconnected even. and I guess that means "i'll go with nothing."
oh how I wish you knew you were singing right to me...
Sunday, May 08, 2005
Ode to the Year
Just took my first final of the semester. It was completely ridiculous. List this, this, that, two alternative ideas for this and that. Ugh....seriously, a ONE credit class should NOT be this much work.
Tomorrow's the day of hell. Philosphy final that results in 40% of my grade. Seriously, kill me. I love philosophy but anyone who makes an exam 40% of the grade is attempting to kill their students. At any rate, I'm having a study session with some friends tonight and then I'm sure I'll be up quite late consuming all of this information.
Went out for dinner with Mary Jane. God, I'm gonna miss that girl over the summer and next year. With her living in the sorority house and me living with my friends on Dayton, it's just not conducive to hanging out whenever I want like it is in the dorms. And for that matter, How am i going to live an entire summer without her?! I'll never forget our library dates, starbucks visits, and late night sessions of INTENSE SATC!!! Including my favorite episode, "aw, baby thats so sweet." (i'm still rolling on the floor laughing!)
For that matter, I'm going to miss ALL of my friends--Some of which will be living next door next year, but THANK GOD for his little mysterious ways of putting us all together. Not that I necessarily believe it was an act of God, but just that I mean it was an extreme coincidence. (oh christ, listen to me sitting here trying to justify what I'm saying!) Ladies, you're great friends and I expect to hear from you over the summer! Let the good times roll...
Tomorrow's the day of hell. Philosphy final that results in 40% of my grade. Seriously, kill me. I love philosophy but anyone who makes an exam 40% of the grade is attempting to kill their students. At any rate, I'm having a study session with some friends tonight and then I'm sure I'll be up quite late consuming all of this information.
Went out for dinner with Mary Jane. God, I'm gonna miss that girl over the summer and next year. With her living in the sorority house and me living with my friends on Dayton, it's just not conducive to hanging out whenever I want like it is in the dorms. And for that matter, How am i going to live an entire summer without her?! I'll never forget our library dates, starbucks visits, and late night sessions of INTENSE SATC!!! Including my favorite episode, "aw, baby thats so sweet." (i'm still rolling on the floor laughing!)
For that matter, I'm going to miss ALL of my friends--Some of which will be living next door next year, but THANK GOD for his little mysterious ways of putting us all together. Not that I necessarily believe it was an act of God, but just that I mean it was an extreme coincidence. (oh christ, listen to me sitting here trying to justify what I'm saying!) Ladies, you're great friends and I expect to hear from you over the summer! Let the good times roll...
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