The Blower's Daughter

And so it is, just like you said it would be...


So the movie starts, and beautifully ends. I think it's quite possible that the writer of this story instantaneously knew the story of my life as well. Right now, I'm sitting here, stunned, in awe of this movie. The random people we meet who hurt us so badly and ultimately end up to mean nothing. Kinda funny how that all worked out for me. Jude Law's character, Dan, meets the character played by Natalie Portman, somewhat like how I seemed to have met you. Completely random with a fling of "here's how you can find me." Then Jude Law meets Julia Roberts...and all hell breaks lose. You came and went, taking a little piece of me with you. You're destroying me...

On top of that, my wrist is completely killing me. I know I need to see a doctor and I know I need to have it checked out, but I'm scared to hear the results. I know there's something wrong, something out of place. I broke down about it earlier and I'm going to break down about it right now too. Why do I have such problems with my hands?! Years of destructive playing? What if I really was supposed to be a musician and now look at me...ruined hands. That's what keeps me from going to do the doctor. What if they're ruined? I can't give up my life and not play ever again

I'm completely falling apart...and everything's so god damn confusing. Decisions, Decisions. I'm not very good at making the right ones... You're there one minute and then you're gone...Why are you doing this to me now? It's killing me...what do you want to ask me? Why aren't you telling me...you're one of my best friends. My analytic mind is kicking me in the ass. It's quite possible that you didn't mean that, and you really did mean someone else...
but why would you say that? ugh...i'm adding up all the "signals" and I'm just thinking too much. We've done this. Twice. Why now? Why NOW am I thinking that it might be different?

I'm trying not to think back years go...but I am. I know it was the best decision I've ever made and maybe the only good one I've made...but, what if i HADN'T made that decision...let you go...that moment changed my life (and yours)...forever. I'm too young for that kind of commitment. I know I'm still too young for that, but God, I miss feeling that. God damn it, i put you through therapy. What the hell is wrong with me? What kind of concieted bitch sends someone to therapy?? But then again, what kind of man throws a woman to the floor? I know I shouldn't be trying to reason with this...but I just keep thinking "what if?"

I can't keep my mind focused on anything right now...



...can't take my mind off of you.