With my Paramore obsession in full blow, I'm, as always, feeling most connected to the music world and what the music says to me. Yesterday an unfortunate incident happened to me and I'm attempting to cope with how I feel about it. I won't explain it because that would just be downright childish of me to write about, but all the same, I'm upset that some things cannot stay what was and evolve into something new, grow into something better. There's something spiritual about moving from one new chapter of life into something more meaningful, yet there are some moments when the past becomes your present and you have to deal with it as it comes. I'm not one to be so great at this task, to say the least. I'd like to leave my past, well, in the past. There's no reason to bring it up in the present unless necessary and there isn't a reason to keep having it rise to the surface. With that said, yesterday was not one of my best days in trying to deal with overwhelming circumstances in life.
I'm not sure where I stand on this issue. I'm torn between wanting to be fair and rational, and wanting to reconcile a crappy situation. And, one that I am not happy with. My past life was special to me, and I wish that it would be remembered that way. Not with everything that went wrong.
In other news, the newest issue of People Style Watch is out for February and I'm excited. It's a whole new guide to what's still hot from fall to bring into summer and what things are definiately out. Not that I'll be able to dabble in the more expensive gear for the season, I'm still in awe of how everything changes and from fall to spring in the fashion world. I love the glossy magazines and the pictures of the newest fashions. Although, it always gets me when "messy chic" and "sophistocated simplicity" can be in at the same time. Does this not seem odd?! Skinny jeans are here to stay, even though I'm not personally a fan for my body type, if I found the right pair, I'd still give it a shot. Although, skinny distressed jeans are evidently really hot, except I'm not sure that this look really works. Just like I'm not sure if the Boyfriend jeans that Katie Holmes has made popular in recent days really works for anyone that isn't a size OO. Ruffles are in making quite a statement right now, casual or dressy. A fun little trend to try. People Style Watch seems to say that oversize shades are here to stay but in different shapes. I'm alright with this trend, even though I think it's been over done, but I still like it.
There are, however, two trends that I'm not exactly on par with. Bib necklaces are tacky in my opinion. It's a bit too much and though the mag says you could wear it with a plain white T or the infamous little black dress, I find it hard to believe that these statement pieces make the best addition to any outfit. Secondly, cropped trousers (mostly seen with pleats) are NEVER flattering. Flood pants are not my idea of sexy and I'd be interested to find someone who thought this was going to work for someone over a size 2. Especially when the once I've seen recently are tapered. Didn't tapered pants go out in the 80's? I'm pretty sure the trend should have stayed in the 80's and I'm nearly positive it won't catch on. And there ends my rant on spring fashion. For now...
What I know for sure is that I need to run, to think things through in my head and get some things off of my mind...
More on life later.
Friday, January 23, 2009
Sunday, January 04, 2009
Who?
Music of the Moment: Quickly by John Legend (Feat. Brandy) and Paramore "I Caught Myself"
A Life without passion is not living, it's merely existing."
I've been thinking a lot lately about love and life. My life used to be completely about the music. I lived and breathed every moment of it and everything had it's own tune. Every jam had it's own feel, it's own story and personality. Each note on the page kept me hanging waiting for the next, waiting for that pivital moment when the next would sweep me away from reality and gently lay me down in the slur of the melody. I still feel that way when I'm in the moment with the music, but it doesn't happen as often. Perhaps I'm more selective than I used to be about my music, but I've come to be very elitist about what I listen to on a normal basis.
As with anything else, the loves of my life have changed from person to person, from brand to brand, from song to song. Even though my influence comes from different places based on different times, I can't keep but thinking that sometimes things don't go as we planned. I keep thinking that somewhere around the corner is my own musical ability coming back to me. Years ago, I left the music that I loved. The music I created. Whether that be vocals or violin, I always thought that was my life. And I defined myself that way. After singing in countless choirs and playing in countless orchestra settings, I could think of nothing else but becoming a musician. I would do nothing else but live and breathe the music that I loved, and for a long time that's exactly what I did. Until I got so discouraged and my hands caused me such pain that I was lost. I was devastated and felt like everything I knew was gone. I struggled with what to do and how to proceed. I tried to truck on through everything, anything, as long as it kept me from thinking that my dream was gone.
And maybe that's what it was. Always a dream that was unattainable? I can't help but imagine that my life has changed so much from what I always thought it would be. I wanted to be be signed to a record label. I wanted to have a recording contract and sing in front of hundreds of thousands of people. I wanted to play violin and help others learn to play along the way. I went from thinking about signing album covers, to wanting to teach others how to play, to wanting the music to heal people. And I still think about those things sometimes. I still think music therapy is the best way to go because in so many ways, music has been a therapy for me...except in the one way it could be-healing my broken dream. Music has taken me so many places and it has healed so many other broken things for me, but this one thing, it has failed me.
Passion has sparked in other areas for me, but I always seem to come back to the idea that it's not what I had always wanted in life. Perhaps I'm not sure what I did want in life to beign with, and that all of those dreams of being a musician, were childhood dreams that I tried to hold onto for too long, but without the music I once lived, I sometimes feel like I'm 'merely existing' as the quote goes, instead of living a life of passion. And perhaps I want what Miranda Hobbes calls "passion on top of passion."
I have a passion for education, for fashion, for literature, for love that moves you to your core, for living a healthy lifestyle, for leaving my mark on the world. But, what I can't figure out is how exactly I'm doing that. I love fashion and most times feel like I should work in the industry, but I also long for furthering my education with additional schooling. I also long for a healthier version of myself. (Read: smaller version of myself.) But, every so often, even though I have a new path, I mourn the loss of my old path and it becomes very difficult to think of anything else. Sometimes I feel a lot like the girl in "Grey Street." And it takes me a few days to realize how to fill that emptiness, unknown to me what seems to fill it. And it does in fact, break my heart, just likes hers.
When I think about who I am, it seems changed over time, and because I keep questioning myself at the moment, I can't pinpoint who exactly I am. I'm the girl that's overly emotional, that gets caught up in a moment and stays there, I get stuck and right now, I'm stuck at the road block of life. And, like the girl in Paramore's song, I don't know what I want. What I do know I want, is a love that strikes my core. A love that gets me caught up in the moment. A love that makes me think of nothing else. A love that gives me all the tingles, over and over and over again. A love that takes me down with it. A love that I can swim in without drowning. Maybe, though, the love that I'm describing is the one that drowns you and takes you under. A love that's pushing and pulling me down.
And where does this all leave me? With more questions. Ultimately, Paramore is right.
I don't know what I want.
A Life without passion is not living, it's merely existing."
I've been thinking a lot lately about love and life. My life used to be completely about the music. I lived and breathed every moment of it and everything had it's own tune. Every jam had it's own feel, it's own story and personality. Each note on the page kept me hanging waiting for the next, waiting for that pivital moment when the next would sweep me away from reality and gently lay me down in the slur of the melody. I still feel that way when I'm in the moment with the music, but it doesn't happen as often. Perhaps I'm more selective than I used to be about my music, but I've come to be very elitist about what I listen to on a normal basis.
As with anything else, the loves of my life have changed from person to person, from brand to brand, from song to song. Even though my influence comes from different places based on different times, I can't keep but thinking that sometimes things don't go as we planned. I keep thinking that somewhere around the corner is my own musical ability coming back to me. Years ago, I left the music that I loved. The music I created. Whether that be vocals or violin, I always thought that was my life. And I defined myself that way. After singing in countless choirs and playing in countless orchestra settings, I could think of nothing else but becoming a musician. I would do nothing else but live and breathe the music that I loved, and for a long time that's exactly what I did. Until I got so discouraged and my hands caused me such pain that I was lost. I was devastated and felt like everything I knew was gone. I struggled with what to do and how to proceed. I tried to truck on through everything, anything, as long as it kept me from thinking that my dream was gone.
And maybe that's what it was. Always a dream that was unattainable? I can't help but imagine that my life has changed so much from what I always thought it would be. I wanted to be be signed to a record label. I wanted to have a recording contract and sing in front of hundreds of thousands of people. I wanted to play violin and help others learn to play along the way. I went from thinking about signing album covers, to wanting to teach others how to play, to wanting the music to heal people. And I still think about those things sometimes. I still think music therapy is the best way to go because in so many ways, music has been a therapy for me...except in the one way it could be-healing my broken dream. Music has taken me so many places and it has healed so many other broken things for me, but this one thing, it has failed me.
Passion has sparked in other areas for me, but I always seem to come back to the idea that it's not what I had always wanted in life. Perhaps I'm not sure what I did want in life to beign with, and that all of those dreams of being a musician, were childhood dreams that I tried to hold onto for too long, but without the music I once lived, I sometimes feel like I'm 'merely existing' as the quote goes, instead of living a life of passion. And perhaps I want what Miranda Hobbes calls "passion on top of passion."
I have a passion for education, for fashion, for literature, for love that moves you to your core, for living a healthy lifestyle, for leaving my mark on the world. But, what I can't figure out is how exactly I'm doing that. I love fashion and most times feel like I should work in the industry, but I also long for furthering my education with additional schooling. I also long for a healthier version of myself. (Read: smaller version of myself.) But, every so often, even though I have a new path, I mourn the loss of my old path and it becomes very difficult to think of anything else. Sometimes I feel a lot like the girl in "Grey Street." And it takes me a few days to realize how to fill that emptiness, unknown to me what seems to fill it. And it does in fact, break my heart, just likes hers.
When I think about who I am, it seems changed over time, and because I keep questioning myself at the moment, I can't pinpoint who exactly I am. I'm the girl that's overly emotional, that gets caught up in a moment and stays there, I get stuck and right now, I'm stuck at the road block of life. And, like the girl in Paramore's song, I don't know what I want. What I do know I want, is a love that strikes my core. A love that gets me caught up in the moment. A love that makes me think of nothing else. A love that gives me all the tingles, over and over and over again. A love that takes me down with it. A love that I can swim in without drowning. Maybe, though, the love that I'm describing is the one that drowns you and takes you under. A love that's pushing and pulling me down.
And where does this all leave me? With more questions. Ultimately, Paramore is right.
I don't know what I want.
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