This City Life

It's lonely here in the city on days like today. I've got amazing friends that I had an unforgettable day with, but at the end of the day, it'd be nice to come home to someone. That security of knowing that someone other than your friends cares. And in a way, its not really security at all.

It's the days of rain, my favorite of course, that I just feel like taking the time to be standing in the rain with that special person and kiss in each others arms. Forget the umbrella...
I'm not really sure why I think that's so romantic, you're both amazingly cold and soaking wet...I've never even had one of those experiences, but regardless, I know that i'd absolutely adore it.
i'm not sure why, but the rain always puts me in one of those sedated moods. I can see life being lived outside of my window as the cars pass on the street and the people walk around. It just makes me feel so alive to see the life outside being lived as I sit here, but it also makes me think too much which is always my problem. I miss the glory days of laying around with you and those nights when you'd call and make me come over...
still need some questions answered and it seems like you just want to leave it be...i don't understand it. there are just some things that don't make sense about what happened and I'm not trying to live in the past, but its been far too long since we haven't been together and I'm STILL thinking about what it would be like to be with you...even in the relationships since, it's always been there...the comparison, the doubt, the wish...

Here's the stuff you never used to know...

1. when you were asleep, i'd lie there with your hand in mine and pray because I was the luckiest girl to be with you...
you never treated me badly like the other ones had and you were caring, full of passion, and so real...
2. Also while you slept, I'd tell you how much I cared about you...said "I wish i could tell you, but it's so hard to say those words, and while i feel them, i don't understand why I just can't say them out loud to you"
3. I used to lay at home and spend nights crying because I didn't want to lose you when I went to school. I knew things were going to change and that it would be much different with us both in school, but I felt that in the end, we could discuss it and work through it together. Those nights I was upset and couldn't tell you what was wrong...thats what it was. .me worrying about our future.
4. I never believed in fate until I met y ou and realized how much of it had to be placed right in order for the two of us to meet and come together...

Tearing me Apart

When we are alone and nobody's watching...
might take you home.

That's today's inspiration. I'm not really sure what's going on in my life right now, it's spring break and I haven't had much time to myself to be honest. Working all the time, going out when I can and doing homework, research...but there's something that just keeps getting to me. My own dirty little secret. It's one of those "What if...?:" kind of things that you just can't seem to get out of your head no matter what you do. I can tell myself it doesn't matter as much as I want to, but it's still there. There are a ton of these "What if's" running through my head but two in general that I can't let go...and those are two that I'm not sure how i'd feel if i DID let them go.

When is it enough to let go and just leave it all behind and not worry anymore? Anyone who knows me realizes that I'm not one to just let something sit on the table without something being said about it, something being analyzed, or without me worrying about it...but when is it time to just let it go and forget? There are so many instances in which i've put case closed on a file and yet, do I even know why I closed it or what lead me to believe that I was over it...but am i? No. And sadly enough, that sort of thing is what kills me. I just don't want to let the file get closed and leave it at that. That fight you had with your best friend is definatley going to bite you in the ass someday and that relationship you had 4 years go, also not gone...

Now, i'm not asking for those things back, I'm just curious as to when it's ok to just let it go and when it still needs discussing. Onej "file" in particular is bothering me...and I'm not sure why it's bothering me so much. What happened to change the status in a matter of an evening? I didn't think I'd really care if it happened or if it didn't and at first i just sort of snubbed it off as something that "just happened." However, the more i'm just sitting here thinking about it, the more it plagues me. Was it INDEED something that "JUST HAPPENED?" or Was it something that's just needed to be done for so long, to break the tension, to feel out the ground? and How can we ever really know? There are about a million questions running through my head about it and I just can't seem to come up with any of the answers. Its not my place to be like hey "we need to talk about this" but its just something thats sort of....eating away at me. I guess its just one of those things that I need worked out and not left open...

The other open "file"? Something that I'm sure will never get closed, not in my heart at least. How I loved you, am still there for you, and yet, I still just have to sit here and wait for you...and I'm not even sure that it'll ever happen again. I miss everything about being with you and yet, it doesn't seem as if you remember anything about our relationship. It was near-ideal...as you said yourself...and yet, it wasn't me that you loved. It had to be someone else. (i'm not of course trying to dish on the other person, cause i equally love her!) It's just that...well it wouldn't have mattered who the girl was, I'd still be upset in the same manner. Our relationship was what everyone seems to strive for, no fighting, an understanding, good conversation, perfect compromise, great times together...the feelings were all there...but why was it that you never told me how you felt. I was scared and It took me until it was over to tell you to your face that I love you. I agree, I've had my own bad times in relationships and you have as well...but why the hell didn't it work with us? Bad timing? That may be what you say, but why was it so bad? Just seems to me that you gave up when it was going to get hard...thats no sign of a man to me. Just because it gets difficult, let's bail out of it and save ourselves from the pain that MIGHT, yes MIGHT come later. Who knows? If we had never broken up, we could still be together...and where does that leave me? Alone, with a broken heart and a terrible "relationship" inbetween. Why wasn't it me?
That's all I want....you cared so much more for her than you did for me and it just kills me to know that. Our relationship had progressed so much farther than those "first steps" and yet, you were so infatuated with her and not me...why her and not me?

Cutie in a Cab

Title and Registration!
If you haven't heard it yet, you're seriously missing out. If you've heard it on the radio, the coffee shop, or your friend's apartment, you're also seriously missing out if you have yet to experience the video. The features are spectacular and the video interpretation is amazing. The lyrics are perfectly written and I thoroughly enjoy the artist's indie/alternative style of writing. I adore the filming of indie/rock/alternative videos.

Both the song and the video are innovative in that way that seems to reach everyone in some sense or another, whether you enjoy the music itself is irrelevant since the video is just so intriguing to watch and the song lyrics are amazing. The techno/alternative style background definately adds to the song and gives it that little bit of something extra.

If I haven't written on this song previous, I'm not sure why I've waited so long. Changed my perspective

...The glove compartment isn't accurately named
and everybody knows it
so i'm proposing
a swift orderly change
cause behind its door
there's nothing to keep my fingers warm
and all i find are suvineers from better times
for the claim of your tail lights fading east
to find yourself a better life

I was searching for some legal documents
as the rain beat down on the hood
when i stumbled upon
pictures i tried to forget
and thats how this idea
was drilled into my head
cause its too important
to stay the way its been

but there's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
and now its gone, its like it wasnt there at all
and here i rest where disapointment and regret collide
lying awake at night....

Life's little Moments

Sitting in the booth by myself for a late lunch this afternoon, I had the opportunity as always to indulge in what i respectively call "people watching." Now, hardly ever do you come across someone who doesn't enjoy this little gift of curiosity, but bear with me, as I'm not exactly sure how many people actually get affected by the things they see happening around them everday. Call me emotional, but sometimes it gets me right in the heart.
It's an afternoon like any other and there are people all around, a lot of older ladies and gentlemen, more than I'm used to seeing. Normally this wouldn't pose any problem with me or any reaction at all. Why should it? Gazing around the room, now beginning to fill with individuals wanting their little afternoon snack or late lunch, i noticed that this large group of quite possibly parents filled with a few grandparents seemed to stay longer than the rest. (This again seems fairly logical because we college kids have hardly enough time in our schedules to even find the time to eat!) This whole situation only posed a question in my mind when I noticed one of the older gentlemen, small stature, grey hair, and upon standing I noticed that the gentleman had a slight hunch in his figure. This didn't seem to bother me at first and so I went for another spoonful of my cheddar broccoli soup. When I glanced up again, I noticed the man carrying his tray, but it wasn't that that I noticed first. His walk. His slight hunch was even more profound and he had such a large limp as if only one of his legs really worked correctly and I thought, wow, how sad that this man is carrying his tray by himself and left the group to return his tray to its proper place for discarding and none of the college students seemed to notice his possible difficulty in doing so. Now, maybe he's one of those extremely optimistic people who doesn't want help with anything or doesn't want to be bothered about his current state, but it sort of hit me. This grandfather figure, whom i'm assuming was here to visit his grandchild or pick her/him up for spring break, seemed to hit me right at the core. Not for his stature or for his walk, not for the fact that he was waiting for his child, or even the possibility of the grandparent missing their grandchild. It hit me more when I realized that I don't have mine anymore. It reminds me of when my grandfather used to wait to pick me up in the morning to go to school, the talks we'd have in the morning about life and him giving me advice, the saturday morning breakfasts and the doughnuts he'd bringfor us all to share together, how he'd smell of old spice and halls cough drops, how excited every one of our dogs was when he would arrive. For that matter, the excitement I used to have when he would arrive...
My grandfather was the most amazing person i've ever met. He's guided my life into what it is today and sometimes, I can still feel him watching over me or know that he's taking care of me. The collage of pictures of my grandfather sits by my bed and i'm noticing more and more, that I forget it's there. Am I starting to forget him too? Up until now, it's been weeks since it's bothered me that he's gone...but now that I'm seeing all these other things and starting to figure out my life, he seems to be farther and farther away from me. Do I not need his help anymore? Am I drifting from my role model?
That can't possibly be since he's shaped my whole perspective on life. My whole outlook on relationships and what they should strive to be-friendship or romantic. He was the kind of guy that would have taken me to prom if I didn't have a date, the kind to buy flowers just because (eventhough he'd make it clear that they were economically frivilous).
I miss sitting in his van in the morning, waiting until I was ready to head off to school, listening to WCLO radio and grandpa going down his list of what he was going to do for the day and what had to be done at each place. He was always so good with words...

It's funny how my whole perspective has changed in just another of life's little moments.

in honor of a certain brownie :-)

Babe,
Men are stupid and I'm extremely upset that I would let a guy get in the way of my relationship with as good a friend as you have been to me. I should have listened to you (and everyone else who saw it). Thanks so much for being here to defend me when people say those things about me. You're so much more to me than any man... (exceptions being mainly my father...)
My Soc. buddy...come back to me!

missin you,
~kitten

Last Night/She said/Oh baby i feel so down

Details? We went, we partied, we left. "Why are you leaving?!" "I'm not getting hit on enough!" HA.
Qdoba...FUN FUN, but not when you've had a few, at least remember to add salsa to your stupid burrito...

LACE-great to see you, I had an amazing time at lunch, i soooo miss you!!! We need to get together more often when I'm in the ville.
ELIZABETH-can't wait to see you on tuesday and I'm getting nervous about the hair!!!! Talk to you soon girl! Miss you much!

On a happier note, i overheard this girl at the library talking to her friend about how there's only 62 days until her graduation. Can you believe that?!?!?!? 62?!?!?! Only 62 more days that I'll have to deal with your shit...
Drop the Drama...it isnt worth your time to try and break me

:-)

Attn: Avid Readers

this is a post....posted only for the people who avidly check everyday--SHANNON--and expect me to have insight into just about everything, LOL. I do my best...

Girls with UGG boots and streatch pants tucked in...usually long hair and those annoying huge ass bags hanging off of their shoulder over their North Face Jacket (usually including fur around the collar)...ladies, take it from me...ya just look stupid.
There's an entire clan of you...have you missed the memo that regardless of the fact that Paris Hilton, Pamela Anderson, and Kate Hudson all wear them, they are STILL hideous and a complete fashion disgust. Did I mention that it IS possible to remove that cell phone from your ear as well? There are people in the real world that you could probably talk to if you weren't already so into yourself... You sadden me...

Alright people...its NOT cool to walk up Bascom Hill holding hands with your significant other trying to have a meaningful conversation while i'm on my way to class...

I gotta tell ya ladies, i'm not sure what the point is of putting on all that makeup when you wear your scrubby clothes to class..if you're trying to impress someone...you're probably not. Secondly if you're at class to try to impress someone in general while you're at class...maybe you should remember that you pay thousands of dollars to go here to get an EDUCATION. On that note, DON'T TALK during MY LECTURE when I'M trying to get an education damn it. And to go off on that, don't beg the teacher not to grade certain problems of the homework because YOU didn't understand them...for crying out loud, we're not in 7th grade...get over the fact that you don't know what you're doing and should have gone in to see the professor to talk about the homework. It's your own damn fault and at this level in the game, she doesn't give a damn.

On a happier note, I'm going out tonight and totally can't wait to wear my blue pumps! (thats right bitches!!!!) Cat's gonna look HOT tonight!!!! (well...to the best of my ability, which doesn't count for much...)

Coke anyone?

morons...all of you...wasting your lives away...

Streets of Madison

I absolutely love looking out the window in the Ogg Hall rom that I call home. Our huge ass window overlooking Gordon Commons and Johnson Street where you can see the Vilas Building, Humanities, U Square, We can see the Two Towers and the Roundhouse right from our window...gotta love that.
So I'm sitting in my room and looking out the window, noticing all of the fastpaced life around me...the people walking on the streets, the cars breezing down Johnson St. and down University Ave. The bus stopping every couple of minutes to pick up the next bunch of people. Everyone else seems to have these clear distinct paths, set out to accomplish their goals.
I'm just sorta hangin in my room, writing about life. This really is what I want to do with my life, yet I know that the chances of that are extremely unlikely. I love writing about those random little everyday occurances that seem to tweek something in your life, good or bad. Those random people that smile at you while you walk to class, the person who says hi to you in the line while you're waiting for your Latte at Starbucks, or the person who asks to sit with you for lunch...those are the kinds of things that just completely change your entire outlook on life. In a city like this, its hard to feel connected when everyone has their own set plan and they don't have the time to give you 5 minutes. We've all got our busy schedules, but its the little things like that that seem to matter. As a whole, the people around here are cold, but when you talk one on one with them, they're all just like you. Down to earth, easy-going, love good conversation.

Side note: Thanks everyone for commenting on the past few posts. You have no idea how much that means to me. I love you all...

For those who mourne

Emily Kletzein
you're in a better place now hun. Far from harm and danger. Let us remember you as you once were, happy and carefree, living up life and full of suprises. May your friends not mourne your death, but rejoice for the impact you left on their lives and the friendship you gave. Rest in peace.

what was i thinking?

what on earth is going through my head? Yes, I'll look at your pictures...why didn't I suspect that there might be pictures of YOU there...
i didn't need to see that. Everything's been smooth sailing until now...i guess i didn't really need the confirmation that things are different now and that you're not around. Maybe I thought I could just be angry and mask the fact that I'm hurt. How could you possibly do that to me? How can ANYONE do that period?

Vieve...I'm not sure what I'd do without you...I've handled this whole thing really well up until now...
thanks for the advice, babe. "he's a fool not worth the time"and "fools often go for the fake chicks"

Too bad I cared about you...

Today its all Random

so it's been awhile since i've written in here and seriously there is just TOO MUCH drama going on. I'm sitting around in my underwear trying to figure out where everything's gotten so astray but here's the general news short update: no word on the ipod, still waiting for my stephen grapelli cd, missing my violin, and living up the single life...sorta.

two points for honesty...? Sometimes I wonder if honesty really is the way to go. Sure, it makes things easier in the long run, but most people don't find my honesty to be all that...tactful. I seem to recieve that comment far too often for it to maybe be a good thing. Sure, you'd gain two points for honesty in a relationship, but in life, is honesty really the best quality? Nobody seems to care at all...
saw this in a profile and thought i'd add a bit of my own...

I AM: pessimistic
I WANT: to be insightful
I HAVE: amazing friends
I WISH: i was out of school
I HATE: the fact that I'm the nice one at heart that seems to care more about everyone else than they care about me
I FEAR: being alone for the rest of my life (but sometimes i think it might be easier/better that way.)
I HEAR: Follow the Light by Travis
I WONDER: what my purpose is
I REGRET: making you miserable (...sorry)
I LOVE: JENN of course!
~~DO YOU...?~~

HAVE A CRUSH: oh should i really answer that? yes...
WANT TO GET MARRIED: who knows?
WANT TO HAVE KIDS: still up in the air on that one..
THINK YOURE A HEALTH FREAK: depends on the mood
LIKE THUNDERSTORMS: of course!
BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: can't say that i do...
BELIEVE IN GOD: philosophy is fucking me over on that one...cause i'm not sure anymore. You'd think I do b/c of the tattoo...we'll see about that one.
BELIEVE THAT THERE IS A REASON FOR EVERYTHING: "...part of the secret of heaven: that each affects the other and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." from Mitch Albom's The 5 People you Meet In Heaven
--even if God doesn't exist, I still think there is a reason that certain people meet and a reason that certain things happen.

I'll know what I don't know with nothin more to gain
Will I get better or stay the same
I find I always move to slowly
Can't lift a finger, can't change my mind
I never knew till someone told me that...
If that's all you will be, you'll be a waste of time
You've dreamed a thousand dreams, none seem to stick in your mind
Two points for honesty...