I'm Staind

Staind with all the times of the past,
Eternally stuck with the pain on my shoulders
and the aftermath of what used to be my life.

Staind with all the feelings and broken moments
That should have turned out differently.
And wishing that it could all be erased.

The time has come and passed away,
Yet still the stain remains
Prevalent for everyone to see and cannot be covered.

Won't go away, fading into darkness...
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It's been awhile...since I've written anything free, since I've really touched my blog, since I've written a poem or since I've gotten out a journal to write out my thoughts. Something I hardly do anymore, mostly because other stuff seems to be taking over whatever life used to be like. I used to have time. Time to do what I wanted and time for fun. Now I have to squeeze it in here, or squeeze it in there. Between meals, between meetings, between classes. Here, there, but really I just feel everywhere and nowhere. I've spread myself too thin again, so I go back to the basics. Back to the stuff that used to keep me happy, and back to the stuff that used to define me.

Wearing nothing but dark clothing, no one should ever see a face without eyeliner, and never a moment without the composure on my face that sometimes is all I need to get through the day. Confidence and hold your head up high. That's all I can keep telling myself in terms of what will happen tomorrow. I'm leaving one of my favorite jobs...where I've met most of my best girlfriends and some other really phenomenal people. Tomorrow's going to be a rough day, but i can't see it going any other way, and I guess what will be, will be. Just listen to your favorite music and let it all hang out.

Somehow I forget how sometimes the music can just flow through your body and you feel like it's inside of you, like it's eating away at your soul and lodging itself within your core. Sometimes when it gives me chills I feel different. Like the music is erie or something, but when I hear the beat and can do nothing but feel elevated, like I'm somehow suspended from the moment and having a slightly out of body experience, not as if I'm looking down on my body, but as if my soul is hovering a little bit outside of my body, but still connected. That probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me...

Enough for now...perhaps more later.

Change

Before, I never would have said that change is a good thing, but I'm learning more and more that what was in the past does not have to be in my future and sometimes, things need to move forward and not look back.

It's certainly hard not to look back at all of the experiences that I've had and nnot think that they have formed who I am today, but for whatever reason, today I'm making the pact that I'll keep things in the present and future and not in the past. I'm not going to dwell on my past and think that things could have changed, or that I could have done something better or something different, because that's no way to live my life. I need to keep things in order and keep them at hand rather than pulling them from behind.

No matter what changes in life, it's probably better to deal with the tasks at hand rather than think of things past and keep bringing the past into the present. Some of the best poets would definately tell me this, and while I'm a lover of poetry over most other things, I should really be following their advice as so often I've seen it in print. (thank you, romantics!)

So here's my pull from the past, keeping it into the future...and from now on. (Eventhough this blog isn't supposed to be about me, sometimes my experiences are the experiences that end up in here rather than something that happened today with other people or that I saw happen amongst others that moved me...)

Everyone who knows me well knows how much I hate flowers. And it's not because I don't think that they're pretty or because I don't appreciate them. I do, truly, I do appreciate them. It's just that in the past, whenever I have received them, it's been for a birthday or because something went wrong and so the flowers were supposed to mean "I'm sorry." I don't believe in flowers for saying "I'm sorry" because flowers should be a loving symbol. Flowers to commemorate an event should really be used for weddings, funerals, job promotions, baptisms, etc. rather than to commemorate a birthday. Birthdays are something entirely different that don't fit into that event because birthdays happen yearly. Weddings, Funerals, Baptisms...only happen once (except perhaps weddings, but they're meant to only happen once...). Birthdays are an annual event...figure out how to buy someone a gift for crying out loud! Maybe that's a bit harsh of me, but that's how I feel about flowers in a general sense.

Now, here comes the rough part. I love flowers just because. And I especially love when someone thinks, "Well, she doesnt' like flowers, but what about a flower? That isn't flowers!" I'm totally ok with that and actually think it's really sweet. And flowers for the first time from someone. I love that feeling. I also love non-traditional flowers. Everyone sends roses. Carnations are incredibly over-done. Lilys, Tulips, Dasies, orchids, etc. Those are the flowers that say that you put a little bit more time into thinking about it. They're the ones that matter. When you do something eccentric, it shows that you put the time into it and that you weren't just trying to do something easy. And if you're going to buy flowers, picking them up from the gas station probably isn't the message you want to send to whomever is to receive the flowers. Put the adequate amount of time into it, don't pick them up as an after-thought.

Clearly, I've spent too much time thinking about the importance of flowers, but in some cases it's cute. I once knew a girl that received one single red rose every time her boyfriend would take her out on a date. Needless to say, she had lots of dried roses in her room and I thought it was spectacular. Once upon a time, I really loved flowers, but because I feel like experiences can definately shape the way that you are, I've become insensitive to them, and quite frankly, that's something I need to change.

Flowers aren't simply always what we expect them to be. When they come from the right person, none of that bullshit matters anymore and I still get giddy about the flowers...and take pictures of them when I can't take them home with me. <3

Enough for now...

After a nice long break...

I'm bAcK!!!!!!

Well, I haven't used this in quite awhile, so things have definately changed, but there isn't a point in recapping because this blog is not supposed to be about my life, but rather about other experiences and more about writing than about anything specific....or at least thats how it all started when I was a freshman. Now I'm a senior...and I haven't used this in about a year, nor do I feel as attached to my blog as I certainly used to, but some things in that span of time really haven't changed. I still enjoy the old things I used to do, I just feel less and less a part of them and I have no reason to feel that way now. I used to make time to write...and so I should probably do the same now. Not that this is for a specific reason, rather than just to keep up the task.

The music I listen to hasn't really changed, but the span of what I listen to certainly has increased. I feel more connected to the alternative/rock that I used to listen to since meeting new people who have gotten me back in the habit of loving it. The acoustic stuff that I certainly still love is still deeply within my heart, but there was definately a point when rock music overtook my life and nothing else would suffice. It's nice to realize that things go full circle and that the things you thought that you lost, you really do still have.

Song of the moment: Sleeping at Last's a Skeleton of Something More
JM Song of the Moment: City Love


Not that this is supposed to be about me, but I had a crazy dream the other day. It was very awkward and hard to describe in a way that won't make me sound some kind of crazy, but at any rate, the story isn't that important, but the fact that it made me wake up straight away in bed with fear was rather strange. I haven't had dreams like that in a very long time, but it was terrifying. I'm a young adult! These kinds of dreams should not scare me anymore, but when the content of them scares you that much, you know it's something to never attempt to re-create. And thankfully, I never will. Some things are doomed to be left behind.

Back down to business, I listened to John Legend's "P.D.A (we just don't care)" a bit earlier today and I have to say that I envy that kind of love that people have when it doesn't seem to matter where you are, you can still feel just as in love as you always did and without question, you're only thinking of each other. Recently, when I was out in Knoxville, and looking back on that night, I definately felt that way. It's so nice to realize that life's little moments are so fulfilling sometimes, even when you don't realize it right away. I was so enthralled with you that night...it probably goes in my top list of times I've spent with you. Thank you for that evening.

And in closing, I know that I've been gone for awhile, but perhaps I'll be back after this post...comments encouraged!