In the Write Mood

It's a bit odd how I feel sometimes as if I have nothing to say when I sit down and open up this blog, but I've always got so much on my mind that the instant I start to write anything, it goes in a direction I wasn't attempting to go or the focus seems completely somewhere else. It still works and it still fits, but it isn't always the way I'd intended it to go. With that said, my imperfect perfection seems to come out as soon as I start to write here. Sometimes paper is easier, but this flows easier sometimes than it does on paper when I'm constantly trying to catch my thoughts since there are so many going on at once that I can't keep them straight and can't keep the focus going. Perhaps thats why Virginia Woolf was so successful with her stream of consciousness form, since other people's minds are constantly running in circles as mine often does. Which is essentially what I'm doing now and what sometimes happens while I sit down to write.

I remember having to do a stream of consciousness-type writing when I took a course on Virginia Woolf's work in college. One of the best classes I took at UW-Madison without a doubt, but it was an amazing assignment. I remember sitting on Bascom Hill as I wrote about people walking up and down the hill to their classes and commenting on how many people are on their cell phones and seem too busy for the real world. Also, commenting on how we're all connected, but disconnected at the same time. You see, UW-Madison has a feel that everyone is a part of a family. The Badger family. We're one big sea of red on game days and it's as if we're all at a very large family reunion, meeting old family and re-connecting with those we haven't seen in awhile. But, when we're all going to classes or running between classes to go somewhere else, there always seems to be a bit of a disconnect between the family that we're all a part of and the sense that we're all doing our own more important thing. A disconnected connection of friends and family? It seems so odd to say, but at the same time, its oxymoronic meaning seems to fit. Just a few thoughts...

Most times, however, I have to be in the mood to sit down and write a poem or to have what I would consider to be an introspective thought. I have to be in the right mood, and in the right atmosphere and finding the right atmosphere is definitely a challenge. Evenings always work better and the light needs to be dim. I need a specific kind of music or no music at all. Coffee usually helps, but isn't entirely necessary. Perhaps this is all a mind game I play with myself in order to feel better about the ability of my writing. Sometimes I used to feel the same way about reading Philosophy articles, but then I got in the habit of reading them with just certain music and that made reading them so much more efficient. I'd always put myself in the mood to read them just by listening to a mix of Sigur Ros songs on my iPod.

I need to get back in the habit of writing, that's for certain, but I have mixed feelings on the process. I've heard that some people find it great practice if they grab a notebook and start to write as soon as they wake up in the morning. Others find that a time schedule like write from 2p-3p everyday seems to make sense since they have set aside the time and know that they will write at that interval. Still others find that whenever they feel inspired is the best way to just jump in and get their best writing down on paper (or computer). I'm sure I'll attempt any number of these theories to see which works for me, but mostly I'm thinking a combination of these may be what is best. Trial and Error. That's the only way to find out anything in life.

What a Year for a New Year

So, I've been spending the last few hours pondering what my new years resolution will be. Normally, I don't believe in resolutions to mark the New Year, but believe in life changes when deemed necessary. This year, I'm thinking a resolution might be a good idea. Not because I have some logical reason to defend why I'm saying this, but really just a gut reaction that it might be a good idea. (Also, I can't think of a good reason that it's NOT a good idea.) So my question is, What should my New Years Resolution be?

I have a few ideas, but no solid thoughts. A few of my self imposed suggestions:

a) to learn more about meditation and yoga (in hopes of practicing both?)
b) to read more and watch TV on DVD/Movies less
c) to start studying for the LSAT (what I was going to do anyway, so not much of a resolution?)
d) to start working on an Advocates Association for the State of Tennessee's D.O.'s
e) to try the Elimination Diet with Owen (also something we were going to do anyway)


Any other thoughts, you know where to leave the message.

My pivotal moment of the day: I read on my friend's blog that her son out of the blue said that she was beautiful and that she loved her. After that, I've decided I someday hope to have a child just as sweet.

The Meaning of a Song

Music of the Moment: In Your Atmosphere, John Mayer

Music is my main passion in life. It can consume you and transcend you to another moment or take you away from pain that you may feel. It can create a new dimension, or take you away for just a split second into some other moment in time. For some, it defines who they are and speaks to their every moment in life. With that said, I am one of those people. I realize there are people who are not this addicted to music, but I am 100% all about the music I love and bask in the glory that it creates. Music creates a mood, changes a mood, or explains a mood. I can listen to a song and be happy before hand, but turn into an emotional wreck after hearing some tunes. Then there are others that pick up my mood from gloomy to euphoric. Don't ask me what it is about this music, but Music is the food of life. It makes me feel less hungry for other things and it transforms me in ways that nothing else can. It's the drug I live on.

I'm listening and watching John Mayer's dvd from the album Where the Light Is: Live in Los Angeles. It's like a concert in my living room and I adore it. Even on my 12 inch iBook, it feels like he's performing just for me. Though this clearly isn't true, the music puts me in another moment and suddenly, everything is different. I'm not a fanatic, mind you. I have one framed album, the heavier things album on vinyl with a signed copy of the cd mounted on my wall, but that's beside the point. It's the music. The music that feeds my soul.

Perhaps I'm a firm believer in music therapy, which is obviously true, but everyone has one album, one song, one artist, one...something...that keeps them going. Something that makes them get up and out of bed today. Something that feeds their soul.

Carrie Bradshaw had fashion. I have music.

Thoughts of the Night

Tonight, I'm not feeling very chatty. Not because I don't have anything to say, but because I'm not sure what I want to say. I usually spend my time on this blog about things I see when I'm out and about, or to post some poetry that I've written, post about my life or what I like, about what I see in society...

However, today I haven't seen much. I spent most of the day inside the house I live in and mostly spent my time searching the internet instead of doing anything constructive. I should have done countless things around the house, but I find myself bored most of the day and yet, I still seem to do nothing. I'm constantly compelled to check my favorite internet sites, so I spend much of my days on the computer looking at this or that. I do job search just about every day to see what's out there and I do try to read a lot. My rule is that during the day I do not watch tv on dvd, or dvd movies while Owen is at school. Mostly this is because if I didn't have this rule for myself, I'd spend the entire day lying on the couch watching movies, Sex and The City, House, or Grey's Anatomy. I've seen all the episodes of Sex and the City and House countless times, but I still love to watch them.

The last few days, though, I feel like I haven't accomplished much at the house and I feel like the days all run together without any real purpose or direction. Perhaps I need to find some higher meaning in my life. Considering I have no other "purpose" than to keep the house clean and to let our two dogs out to do their business, it would certainly seem obvoius that I need some sort of higher purpose. Too bad it took me until now to figure that out.

I've just finished reading Elizabeth Gilbert's book, "Eat, Pray, Love" and I find myself wondering more and more about spiritual journeys. Is it possible to take a spiritual journey when you a) can't leave the house and b) aren't sure where to start? I guess I'm interested in turning back towards the church, but I'm curious as to how to keep my individuality and what I believe in separate from spirituality. I'm not entirely certain that I can absolutely go back to the church without some reservations. I'm definitely interested in Meditation, so perhaps what I mean is that I'm more interested in a mix of Eastern and Western religion. But, furthermore, I'm not entirely sure that what I'm searching for IS religion. I think I'm searching for meaning more than anything else, and personally, I'm not sure religion is the way to get at what is meaningful.

Perhaps I'll sort all of this out in the next few weeks, but having it weigh down my head isn't the easiest thing to deal with.

Music of the Moment: Clarity by John Mayer (it's also a personal favorite)

Labels or Love: My Latest Obsessions

Right now I'm obsessing over the song by T-Pain called "Can't believe it." Personally, I can't believe it myself. But, for some reason, the beat sort of gets me and it's an "easing" song, if that makes sense. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that they say "I could put you up in a mansion in Wisconsin," but I'm going to let that slide for now. Music is always about a feeling, whatever the music does to you or does for you. If rap makes you slow down and take a minute to reflect, that's fine with me. If country makes you feel at home, that's fine. I maintain that the only way to know you love a certain type of music over another is that it puts you in a great mood or it perfectly fits your mood.

New topic. Everyone knows I'm obsessed with fashion. I love reading a great issue of Vogue and I get REALLY excited for the huge fall issue. I love the magazine In Style as well and you'll frequently see me looking through the tabloids at the check-out line, mostly to see the fashion. I do, for some reason, find it interesting when celebrities are pregnant, sleeping around with a new someone, or stepped out with their hair designer for dinner, but mostly, it's all about the fashion. I want to know who wore what boots with what outfit or who wore what to the Emmy's/Movie Awards/Oscars/etc. With that said, I'm starting to compile a list of my most envied star's looks. Right now, I'm obsessing over Rachel Bilson, Ashley and Mary-Kate Olsen. I'm always interested in Reese Witherspoon, Carrie Underwood, Lauren Conrad, and Kate Beckinsale. Fall Fashion though, has me obsessing over thigh high boots. Flats, Heels, Platforms, I don't much care. As long as they're constructed well and placed with the right outfit, I'm loving them. Which I guess is why I feel like I'm constantly looking for a new pair. My overall favorite designers: BCBG MAXAZRIA, Herve Leger (obviously!), Chanel, Dior, Oscar de La Renta, Vera Wang, and the list goes on. This installment, I'll give you my five picks for most important items to own for fall:
1. Dark Plum nail polish-it's cheap, an easy fix, and a must have.
2. Riding Boots-Black or brown, it doesn't matter. They're comfortable and classic.
3. One bold colored Dress, Bag, or Shoe: preferably a jewel tone, but variants also work.
4. One great suit that you can split up: (Hint: Be inspired by Classic Men's fashion.)
5. Thick Black Belt to be worn around the waist-Pick something Classic, but fun. (I own one in an alligator print)

Now, I know not everyone has oodles of money to spend on fashion, and nor do I, so the best way to think about fall fashion is to be classic. Go with items that have a classic shape, or that can go with multiple outfits, perhaps on through spring. I always love plum nail polish because it's like black, but isn't black and it's more fun than a dark red or burgandy. My best advice is to be creative and have your own style. My fashion icons use items in interesting ways, and I guess that's why I love them so much. Labels aren't about having fashion, fashion is about what comes through on the outside and by mixing high and low. Have fun!

Eclectic Musically

Lately, for some reason, I've been listening to a lot of HipHop/R&B. Usually, I find myself less compelled to find this type of music interesting. But, as always, I am constantly evolving into something new and trying different things. I've found that some of this music I find offensive like "Crank that Soulja Boy" by Soulja Boy, now others, I'm completely taken with, including every song I've heard from John Legend and all the way through some T.I. The background to Ludacris' new song "One More Drink" has some interesting music from a simple piano sound, to the beats that are usually included in this type of music. Though some of the lyrics bother me, I tend to focus on talent alone and while I may not necessarily agree with their message, I believe that music is not always about what's being conveyed, but about the way it makes you feel. This particular Ludacris song seems to relax me in a way that usually comes from only certain types of music, and usually not R&B. I'm excited to listen to new songs and to venture back to some types of music that I've been neglecting, like the Rock that I used to listen to some time ago, mostly when I started this blog.

This entire experience of being in an entirely new environment, namely the South, is turning out to be more interesting than I thought it would be. I'm constantly having to bite my tongue based on the way that I was raised compared to the way people are raised here. I'm definitely in the minority of people in my area that have college degrees (especially from a Big Ten!), from people who grew up having supportive parents, from people who grew up being attached to literature...
Mostly, it angers me the difference in political decisions and not because I'm upset that people do not agree with my candidate of choice, but mostly because people seem to be unaccepting of other's opinions. I'll leave my thoughts there.

Enough for this evening...as always, I'll post more in the near future.

The Simple Life

I've been listening to the same song on repeat for awhile now and it's by far my favorite rendition of this song. ever. My song of the moment? John Mayer's song "In Your Atmosphere" off the new album Where The Light Is. I'd heard the song YEARS ago, but I haven't heard a version as good as this one. See, I'm what you'd call a collector. I intentionallly collect music that I love, and basically that means that I own every John Mayer album I can possible. While I love all of his music, this song specifically has been speaking to me for years. I love it. It's one that I've fallen in love with over and over and over. Like your favorite book that you read again every year (or at least once a year, but only tell people you read it annually). This specific version has a lick at the end that I adore. It's simple and was probably composed in just a few short hours. It's just a beautiful piece of music that I can't seem to find words for. I'm transcended out of my body everytime I hear it and I'm obsessed with that feeling. There's a connection there that I can't have with my favorite novel, or at least not the SAME connection. I often feel like the words written in Mayer's songs were written about my life or that they were written specifically so that I would hear them. I just feel like while the imperfections in his voice are so real and so bare, but in the best way possible. The tone of the rest of the music is perfection. And while I've heard enough criticism about liking his vocals, it isn't about that for me all the time. Though, I consider myself a music snob. Sometimes that passion and that connection with the true essence of yourself cannot be tamed and you need to go with your heart. His heart is in the music and I'll keep mine there also. That's why the music note is on my body to remind me of where my heart is.

I once had song lyrics from a song painted on my bedroom wall that said "My love is music, and I will marry melody" and one of my friends at the time insisted that if my love was Music and I was going to marry Melody, that I was cheating on music with melody! How outlandish. I'll never forget how that seemed so off to me, but if you think of it, it sort of makes sense. The music is there, but it's the melody that's at the heart of it. The heart of the heart, if you will. The essence of the music of the melody. Stripped down, without anything to cover it at all. The soul.

This song, seems to speak to me differently now than it used to. "I don't think I'm gonna go to L.A. anymor"...I'm thoroughly enjoying my simple life down in Tennessee these days. It's an interesting dynamic and one that I'm not sure I entirely comprehend all the time, like I'm on an extra long vacation. Except all of my important things are here and I can't just leave whenever I want to so I can go back "home." Strange, but the longer I'm down here, the easier it is for me to appreciate the simplicity that my life now is. I miss the city, and I LOVE the city. I can't imagine being here forever because that just isn't my style, but my humbling experiences since I've first been here have progressed into something bigger now. Being anywhere different from home is bound to be a humbling experience if you accept it as a commodity. As something that you can merely observe and you don't have to experience yourself. But the longer I'm here, the less it's a humbling experience, and the more it turns out to be a growth of personality and a life altering experience. I'm going back to my roots a bit and questioning things that I used to question and had left with the cap closed on three sides, but not all four.

I'm re-thinking my religious beliefs and whether that means that I'm really "Christian" or whether my choice of remaining "Agnostic" for the last few years is really "Me." I'm re-thinking how I feel about having nice things and how I spend my extra money. I'm questioning having a family, and quite actually, questioning that more than I EVER thought possible. I'm thinking about different career paths and what that means for me in the long run. I'm questioning my taste in novels and branching out from what I would normally find fascinating. This is a great experience to have, truly.

While I don't think I'm ready to go back to the city just yet, I do miss it on a very regular basis. Being away from distraction, and corruption especially, is something I'm attempting to embrace. By corruption and distraction, I mean the commercial mecca. Being in a big city means extra coffee runs to the nearest Starbucks, a quick shopping trip for a new top at Gap, or a new pair of jeans because the ones I currently have are more worn than I'd like them to be. I need to get away from all of that and life the simple life. My simple life.

Battleground States for Obama!

This weekend I spent time watching the first 2008 Presidential Debate. I was so outraged by the answers that McCain thought would be so perfect to pinpoint Barack Obama into a bad position, but he remained calm and collected, while being openly ridiculed for his answers. What McCain failed to notice was that Barack was focusing on answering the actual question, not about trying to back-talk the opponent, which apparantly was the only skill that McCain was employing. I was thoroughly disgusted by those people who STILL wish to vote for McCain after that debacle.

With all of the problems of trying to vote in the first place with registering to do an absentee ballot through my home state, instead of my current state, it's hard to remember how important it is in the first place. I'm definately going to use my vote and I would never throw away the opportunity to use the rights that women, just a short time ago, were not able to use. I am lucky for what they went through for me to be able to have the opportunity to vote now. While it isn't an "opportunity," it is a right that everyone deserves, it is still looked upon in some fashion as something to be cherished.

For now, that's enough ranting on election madness. I'm hoping for a United-Blue-States!

I'm Staind

Staind with all the times of the past,
Eternally stuck with the pain on my shoulders
and the aftermath of what used to be my life.

Staind with all the feelings and broken moments
That should have turned out differently.
And wishing that it could all be erased.

The time has come and passed away,
Yet still the stain remains
Prevalent for everyone to see and cannot be covered.

Won't go away, fading into darkness...
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It's been awhile...since I've written anything free, since I've really touched my blog, since I've written a poem or since I've gotten out a journal to write out my thoughts. Something I hardly do anymore, mostly because other stuff seems to be taking over whatever life used to be like. I used to have time. Time to do what I wanted and time for fun. Now I have to squeeze it in here, or squeeze it in there. Between meals, between meetings, between classes. Here, there, but really I just feel everywhere and nowhere. I've spread myself too thin again, so I go back to the basics. Back to the stuff that used to keep me happy, and back to the stuff that used to define me.

Wearing nothing but dark clothing, no one should ever see a face without eyeliner, and never a moment without the composure on my face that sometimes is all I need to get through the day. Confidence and hold your head up high. That's all I can keep telling myself in terms of what will happen tomorrow. I'm leaving one of my favorite jobs...where I've met most of my best girlfriends and some other really phenomenal people. Tomorrow's going to be a rough day, but i can't see it going any other way, and I guess what will be, will be. Just listen to your favorite music and let it all hang out.

Somehow I forget how sometimes the music can just flow through your body and you feel like it's inside of you, like it's eating away at your soul and lodging itself within your core. Sometimes when it gives me chills I feel different. Like the music is erie or something, but when I hear the beat and can do nothing but feel elevated, like I'm somehow suspended from the moment and having a slightly out of body experience, not as if I'm looking down on my body, but as if my soul is hovering a little bit outside of my body, but still connected. That probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me...

Enough for now...perhaps more later.

Change

Before, I never would have said that change is a good thing, but I'm learning more and more that what was in the past does not have to be in my future and sometimes, things need to move forward and not look back.

It's certainly hard not to look back at all of the experiences that I've had and nnot think that they have formed who I am today, but for whatever reason, today I'm making the pact that I'll keep things in the present and future and not in the past. I'm not going to dwell on my past and think that things could have changed, or that I could have done something better or something different, because that's no way to live my life. I need to keep things in order and keep them at hand rather than pulling them from behind.

No matter what changes in life, it's probably better to deal with the tasks at hand rather than think of things past and keep bringing the past into the present. Some of the best poets would definately tell me this, and while I'm a lover of poetry over most other things, I should really be following their advice as so often I've seen it in print. (thank you, romantics!)

So here's my pull from the past, keeping it into the future...and from now on. (Eventhough this blog isn't supposed to be about me, sometimes my experiences are the experiences that end up in here rather than something that happened today with other people or that I saw happen amongst others that moved me...)

Everyone who knows me well knows how much I hate flowers. And it's not because I don't think that they're pretty or because I don't appreciate them. I do, truly, I do appreciate them. It's just that in the past, whenever I have received them, it's been for a birthday or because something went wrong and so the flowers were supposed to mean "I'm sorry." I don't believe in flowers for saying "I'm sorry" because flowers should be a loving symbol. Flowers to commemorate an event should really be used for weddings, funerals, job promotions, baptisms, etc. rather than to commemorate a birthday. Birthdays are something entirely different that don't fit into that event because birthdays happen yearly. Weddings, Funerals, Baptisms...only happen once (except perhaps weddings, but they're meant to only happen once...). Birthdays are an annual event...figure out how to buy someone a gift for crying out loud! Maybe that's a bit harsh of me, but that's how I feel about flowers in a general sense.

Now, here comes the rough part. I love flowers just because. And I especially love when someone thinks, "Well, she doesnt' like flowers, but what about a flower? That isn't flowers!" I'm totally ok with that and actually think it's really sweet. And flowers for the first time from someone. I love that feeling. I also love non-traditional flowers. Everyone sends roses. Carnations are incredibly over-done. Lilys, Tulips, Dasies, orchids, etc. Those are the flowers that say that you put a little bit more time into thinking about it. They're the ones that matter. When you do something eccentric, it shows that you put the time into it and that you weren't just trying to do something easy. And if you're going to buy flowers, picking them up from the gas station probably isn't the message you want to send to whomever is to receive the flowers. Put the adequate amount of time into it, don't pick them up as an after-thought.

Clearly, I've spent too much time thinking about the importance of flowers, but in some cases it's cute. I once knew a girl that received one single red rose every time her boyfriend would take her out on a date. Needless to say, she had lots of dried roses in her room and I thought it was spectacular. Once upon a time, I really loved flowers, but because I feel like experiences can definately shape the way that you are, I've become insensitive to them, and quite frankly, that's something I need to change.

Flowers aren't simply always what we expect them to be. When they come from the right person, none of that bullshit matters anymore and I still get giddy about the flowers...and take pictures of them when I can't take them home with me. <3

Enough for now...

After a nice long break...

I'm bAcK!!!!!!

Well, I haven't used this in quite awhile, so things have definately changed, but there isn't a point in recapping because this blog is not supposed to be about my life, but rather about other experiences and more about writing than about anything specific....or at least thats how it all started when I was a freshman. Now I'm a senior...and I haven't used this in about a year, nor do I feel as attached to my blog as I certainly used to, but some things in that span of time really haven't changed. I still enjoy the old things I used to do, I just feel less and less a part of them and I have no reason to feel that way now. I used to make time to write...and so I should probably do the same now. Not that this is for a specific reason, rather than just to keep up the task.

The music I listen to hasn't really changed, but the span of what I listen to certainly has increased. I feel more connected to the alternative/rock that I used to listen to since meeting new people who have gotten me back in the habit of loving it. The acoustic stuff that I certainly still love is still deeply within my heart, but there was definately a point when rock music overtook my life and nothing else would suffice. It's nice to realize that things go full circle and that the things you thought that you lost, you really do still have.

Song of the moment: Sleeping at Last's a Skeleton of Something More
JM Song of the Moment: City Love


Not that this is supposed to be about me, but I had a crazy dream the other day. It was very awkward and hard to describe in a way that won't make me sound some kind of crazy, but at any rate, the story isn't that important, but the fact that it made me wake up straight away in bed with fear was rather strange. I haven't had dreams like that in a very long time, but it was terrifying. I'm a young adult! These kinds of dreams should not scare me anymore, but when the content of them scares you that much, you know it's something to never attempt to re-create. And thankfully, I never will. Some things are doomed to be left behind.

Back down to business, I listened to John Legend's "P.D.A (we just don't care)" a bit earlier today and I have to say that I envy that kind of love that people have when it doesn't seem to matter where you are, you can still feel just as in love as you always did and without question, you're only thinking of each other. Recently, when I was out in Knoxville, and looking back on that night, I definately felt that way. It's so nice to realize that life's little moments are so fulfilling sometimes, even when you don't realize it right away. I was so enthralled with you that night...it probably goes in my top list of times I've spent with you. Thank you for that evening.

And in closing, I know that I've been gone for awhile, but perhaps I'll be back after this post...comments encouraged!