gotta be MORE!

ALRIGHT, so here's the deal...

Just to keep myself posted and not feelings so vulnerable for my writing, anyone and everyone who frequently reads my blog writings should post comments on this entry just to let me know that you're out there and that I'm not just writing for myself. This isn't to say that I don't like writing only for myself...but I need to keep myself in check that I'm not merely writing for an audience of nonexistence.

Tonight, I shed a tear. Over my glass of wine, I shed one tear; one single tear that made me realize I'm sometimes not as stable in my emotions as I think I am and I'm not always over the things that have become my past with no future. I'm not sure why this all came on; if it was the glance of you that I got before going to work downtown or the picture I found that I always thought made You look so hot when you thought you thought something completely opposite.

I made a mix of music tonight that should help me wake up in the morning, but as I was making it, all these thoughts started to blur into my head. This reminds me of OUR morning ritual and my old morning rituals. The first song has the same sort of beat that I used to remember waking up to and the second song is one I used to start out my morning runs with. I miss those morning runs and as much as I want to take them, I know that in the city, I may not work up enough courage to go and run away from all of my fears as I used to know so well. Running used to be my way out and as I've sort of lost touch with this, I'm thinking about how much I want it, need it all over again.

Am I only the person I make myself out to be or am I a mixture of the things that have come before me? Do I get to create my own destiny or do the people who have lingered in my head get to create it?

Maybe one glass of wine is getting to my head, but I seem to be coming back to my thoughtless stages where I'm not quite sure of what I want anymore. Last night, I only knew that I was looking for the something new of my prospective, but today, I'm wondering about the past that was so brutally taken out from under my step.

I found the crack in the sidewalk and now my long strides and head held high have caused me to trip and fall. But the thing I can't figure out is if I've fallen backward or if I'm falling forward. (shift in tense intentional.)