Things Everyone Should Know

Alright, So...this is a list of things that everyone should know concerning me. Why? Because then you won't have to ask. No, just kidding. It's more like random thoughts of the kitten...but good to know nonetheless.

1. I love turquoise in any color, size, or shape. Though, bigger and more gaudy is always better.
2. I rarely wear only one shirt.
3. I would be lost without my planner, cell phone, and ipod.
4. I love dancing by myself in my apartment once everyone has gone to bed.
5. You will RARELY see me in the color pink.
6. I'm a bit of an undercover feminist.
7. I love jamming on my violin to Dave Matthews Band.
8. I have too many pairs of shoes.
9. If my feet could handle wearing heels everyday, I would.
10. I gag at the thought of other people's hair on me.
11. I love a good bubble bath with a novel and soft music.
12. The most expensive thing I own is my ibook G4.
13. I try to be non-judgmental, but I adore going people watching.
14. I'm a post-it addict.
15. I love big puffy couches that consume you when you sit down. They're best for lounging and reading.
16. My biggest fear is dying alone and unloved.
17. I believe in old school romanticism with a modern flare.
18. I can lucid dream.
19. You can never make too many lists.
20. My best friend once told me the best cure for a hangover is a shower and a soda. She was right.
21. The best cure for cramps is chocolate. No joke.
22. I consider myself an artist.
23. No pattern is too bold. (Though some are HIDEOUS.)
24. I would die to own a pair of Manolo Blahnik shoes.
25. Someday, I will table dance at a bar. And some other day, I will do that sober.
26. I want to learn the drums.
27. Any man who (owns and) wears wingtips is my new best friend.
28. I own vegetarian friendly shoes.
29. Carrie Bradshaw is my hero. Idol?
30. Cynically sarcastic.
31. Lolita, light of my life, fire of my loins. My sin, my soul. Lo-lee-ta: the tip of the tongue taking a trip of three steps down the palate to tap, at three, on the teeth. Lo. Lee. Ta.
32. There's something about finely written literature that gets me all hot and aroused with emotion.
33. There's a systematic way to shower. Body, Face, Hair. Unless you're in a hurry. Hair, Body, Face.
34. I revise while in conversation.
35. I HATE yellow roses. I love them, actually, but never want them given to me.
36. Procrastination gets the job done.
37. No matter how old I am, I still love a good disney movie.
38. Everything you want in life should be difficult to obtain. If it's too easy, it's too good to be true.
39. I don't care what everyone says, the book is ALWAYS better. Someone prove me wrong.
40. Target. I love you.
41. Drinking in the middle of the afternoon is never a good idea.
42. I still sleep with my childhood toy pet sometimes.
43. I love the feeling of clean sheets.
44. Cosmopolitans are my favorite drink.
45. If I'm in love with a song, I could listen to it 50 times in a row...and still want to hear it tomorrow.
To be continued...

Reactions/Notes/Why?

Angry Black White Boy.
"Oh, what's that about?" "It's the story of a boy, Macon, who goes to Columbia, gets a job driving a taxicab around NY, and robs his passengers."
"So, he's black...?"
End of story.

Seriously. No exaggerations. I can't quite think of what to say to that sort of thing. Macon's the boy trying to change our society, trying to build the bridge between two differing cultures. But why are they split in the first place? Melting pot, we are not...

Notes:::::
Novel Progress: Nonexistent.
Days until school starts again: Not Enough.
Times I've checked my away message in the last 30 seconds: ~7
(A true addict...)
Times I put on moisturizer today: 3.
Today: Christmas Day, The First day of Hannukah.
Times I got thanked to play in church today: 5.
Times I've been visibly bitten in the past week: 3.
Number of times my cell phone rang today: Once.
Minutes I've spent looking at my frozen ipod: at least 40. (Anyone know how to restart?)
Glasses of some sort of alcoholic beverage today: 4. (Two hot, Two iced).

This Christmas.
"Last Christmas I gave you my heart..."
I remember sewing buttons on your pants last christmas because they had popped off. That sticker you put on your nose from the blue GAP polo that I gave you with the inspector number, I still remember just how it looked and how you were laughing. I remember drinking Mom's famous hot rum cider mixture and sitting with my family by our christmas tree. You and I were up later than everyone else. The late night tree and the flickers of sparks from the still new relationship. That awful hat that I hated. The grey one you always wore for your late night study sessions or early in the morning when you would bike off to class.

This Christmas?
"Maybe this Christmas/will mean something more/maybe this year/love will appear/deeper than ever before"
Visions get into my head and I can't seem to get them out. The video clips are still playing. The written stories keep getting more elaborate in my head. The same clip keeps going on over and over. Over and over. The same christmas tree and the conversations going back and forth in my head. Why did looking at the alter in Faith Lutheran this morning make me think of what my marriage would be like? Why? This time, something's different. I've never thought of what my marriage would be like. Hell, I've prided myself for years on thinking that I'll never even get married. Why is it now that I can picture the whole thing happening?

Em--Tribute to the Fans

"Anyone can give up, it's the easiest thing in the world to do. But to hold it together when everyone else would understand if you fell apart, that's true strength."

Thank you. That means more to me than you'd think.

"WOW...your blog is amazing! you are a beautiful writer and i admire your...personality(for lack of a better word, that i cant find right now)" -----I love you, too.

If it wasn't for you guys, I wouldn't be so composed right now. This Blog's been up for over a year now and I couldn't be happier about it. She's my pride and joy, to make a Stevie Ray Vaughan reference. I truly appreciate everyone's kind words and encouragement-That's what gets me through my day. I love you all and respect you for taking the time to check my postings on a regular basis. [Note: I feel like I'm writing an acceptance speech...Perhaps my Pulitzer someday?]

I love you all--You mean the world to me. Thank you.

-over and out!

Black Eyes

This is all leading me right back in circles
Circling back to the center
The center of the picture, The one that once held...

The dark circles under the eyes
Results from weeks of sleepless nights
Nights I'd be up thinking of...

The streaks run down
Into a pool which forms just at the base
Just anytime I glance at...

This drama, This writing
This story.
All has to end.

Anyone for a game of Hearts?

I know you said my heart belongs to someone I've yet to meet, but it was yours for the taking...

In my own little corner

So, I'm going to be a little hermit crab over christmas vacation. vacation? Ok, so it's not really a vacation because I won't be lounging around my house in pjs and hats, but I'll be at the gap and back and forth madison and janesville.
Why am I going to be a little hermit crab? Because I don't plan on going out that much. I plan on sitting at my apartment, writing my little heart out.

I'm looking forward to some much needed time to myself to figure out some stuff and contemplate how I'm really not that young, how I'm much older than many of the older people I know, and how this life is already so far from being teenaged. Had lunch with a friend today. A much older friend than I am and one of my oldest for that matter. Yet, it never seems uncomfortable to sit and talk with him about his married friends or what he's thinking in life or how he's realized that he's not "old enough" yet to grow up. In some respects, it pains me to say that I'm more grown up than most of my friends and in other ways, it feels immaculate.

Until exams are over, this might be the latest blog for awhile.

All I want for Christmas? Healing.

Life, Actually.

Right now, I quite understand why women wear heavy black eye makeup. You can't tell that my eyes are puffed up like rising bread, or the fact that they are a gorgeous shade of pink rose. It also doesn't look like I'm that tired. Lovely little facade we have going on, isn't it?

Ahh...morning. I need to read, so this will be short.

Just a few days prior, my best friend and I were discussing my situation, and she said something like, "I really admire how well you're taking all of this. I've been meaning to tell you that for some time now. If it was any of our other friends, I can't imagine they'd be doing as well." That meant more than the world to me.

My friends are the most important people in my life, and right now, it seems like the only ones i can really count on. I always think I need a support system when I get upset or angry, and the awful fact of the matter is, yes, I do. I need to know that they are always going to be there for me, through thick and thin. THEY are the constancy my life needs. No matter how bad things get, they don't run away when it gets hard, they stick through it all right with me.

I'm actually theirs.

Can we settle down please?

So many words in that sentence have me thinking. Can--how is it possible that we know anything? scepticism...
We? Collective, but it can also be exclusive. It's collective in the sense that it's between only a certain amount of people and between those people only, so it's like a family. But, at the same time, it excludes others. Settle? enough said. (ahh, Lo, the conversations we have!) Please? It's proper to use your manners. Yes, I agree. But what really is proper? Please? Must we always ask or is it that nowadays these things are merely implied? Our society has come so far from traditions. Conventionality.

Conventions. My life is full of none. I shouldn't have to work two jobs. (Though, I still feel the need to...) I shouldn't have to share a room at my age. I shouldn't have to pay a ridiculous amount for rented parking. I probably shouldn't be able to do my homework--or write on my blog as I am right now--at work. This life filled with disease shouldn't be happening to me. I shouldn't have carpal tunnel. Of all things, a writer should never be plagued by these things.

A writer. I so often call myself this, but what makes me a writer? I mean really. I write. Yes, but many people write. I used to consider myself a musician. And still do...does that mean my identity has changed because I now attribute myself as more of a writer than as a musician. That was supposed to be my life. Spent in a small cubicle of a practice room, preparing for shows, auditions, teaching. I planned on Music Education and sometimes, yes, sometimes, that still bothers me. But the fact of the matter is, that in finding out that that wasn't the path I should have gone with, I found something I should have attributed to my life a long time ago. I've been writing down my poetry since I was still in Middle School. And, yet, I've never thought myself much of a poet. Realistically at least.

I was always the music kid. Voted Next American Idol in high school. 2nd Place for Most Musical in High School. That's how I'll be remembered. And yet, I wasn't the one listed as the "Next novelist" or "Most likely to win a Pulitzer." It's strange to find something "new" that I can attribute with myself that isn't what I thought it would be at all.

But, what in life is actually something that I've planned out. I plan on getting married, I plan on writing, I plan on being successful. I want a family. I want my dreams--I want them all within reach. I plan on writing for me. Not for the Creative Writing program here, which I've opted to shy away from. I don't want to write for them, I want to write for me. I want to read good literature and have thoughts about that and incorporate it in my own work like those before me. I want to have the time for me. The time I cherish to do my work. I want the time to sit here and whittle away at my computer to collect my thoughts and tell my stories.

I want creativity.

Remains of the Day

Quotes from the newest English excursion that got me thinking:

"Whenever I believed I had come up with something, I probed it for every sort of oversight, tested it through from all angles." (on my crazed mind...or not so crazed really.)

"Maybe you could keep her off our hands, Stevens. Maybe you could teake her out to one of those stables around Mr. Morgan's farm. Keep her entertained in all that hay. She may be just your type." (on a fabulous sexual pun by Mr. Farraday.) ;-)

"We were all essentially cut from the same cloth, so to speak." (on philosophy of life.)

"I knew I had gone beyond all previous boundaries." (on the unexpected...)

"...unease mixed with exhilaration" (a perfect description of the unknown, but excitement in getting there.)

"It was only the feeling of a moment, but it caused me to slow down. And even when I had assured myself I was on the right road, I felt compelled to stop the car a moment to take stock, as it were." (on the here and now...)

"To see the best before I have properly begun would be somewhat premature." (FABULOUS words from Stevens. -on development of...well, whatever I'd like to interpret just those lines as :-) I can't have the ending before I've properly gone through all of the right steps in order to do so. Oh Stevens, I just might learn a little bit of life from your British ways of thinking...)

[INSERT MAIN THOUGHTS HERE] p.s. I have none...

Where are we? Spin me round again...

Ugh...again. Anything to be at that point where I was.

It's one of those nights where I could stare into space for hours and what would happen? Absolutely nothing. And the drop of a pin could make me break into a million pieces. I'm not sure I can explain all of the emotions floating around, swimming between thoughts in my head right now. I'm just at an utter loss for explaination. That never seems to happen. I have a theory for everything. Yet, there are certain things that I can't ever grasp into my head...nothing's constant, everything is always changing. The constant--everything can change in just one of those little instances. One moment I'm looking at you and thinking, "God, how can I possibly not feel this way?" and the next I'm pulling myself away. All I want is that closeness...yet, it seems so out of reach. It's right there, but I can't touch it. Yet, I don't feel that way at all. I'm having all of these mixed thoughts and they are just swimming around, keeping me from sleeping. I'm so fucking tired. I was up too early and stayed up too late. I'm still thinking and I know a cold splash of reality won't help anything. As much as I love having everything planned out, this is the one thing that I can't plan. I can't set a date for it in my planner or make my usual "list of things to do" because that doesn't quite fit on it. Long term goals stay the same. Write. I can't stop listening to this song. The lyrics...I don't even care about the lyrics. There are only sounds. The sounds that get into my skin and you can feel the emotion that the artist is feeling. I can feel myself lifting my hands at the breaths in the music, like a lift of a bow or the lift of a pianist's hands for stylistic feeling. Funny, this never happens on my laptop...

Dream, just keep on dreaming...
Your book will pull the reader in. Make the audience understand what it's like to overcome this....
Maybe I should work on coming to terms with it first? It's looking me straight in the eye and I can't look at it back. Tears. Oh, here come the tears. I can't imagine life any other way. These pictures in my head aren't good. They go against all of my theories of being alone for the rest of my life.... I want my fantasy.

This is what after midnight will do to you when you've been up circling around things in your head for too long. This whole thing I'm sure will sound so disconnected. God, I need a drink to help me fall asleep....where's my flask?!

If

If I could give up my analyzational skills for just a day, today would be it. STOP THINKING. You're ridiculous, KitKat. Stop thinking about everything.

If it wasn't for how good all of this was, I wouldn't be so scared of losing it...or keeping it. I'm so beside myself right now.

One

Oh I'm head over heals. It's speechless. That feeling. Those tingles. That cleansing air that surrounds the two entities at that very moment when everything connects and it's no longer two, but one complete body. One. Simple, but so circuitous. I want to hold every moment in my hands, see it before me, watch the storyline unfold. Breathe it all in. Feel the redolence. Taste it all, on the tip of my tongue. I can just taste that feeling in the synesthesia of that junction in time. That juxtaposition. I can just fel myself moaning. I can feel the different moments coming together deep within my mind. All the thoughts suddenly slip away and there's nothing. Nothing but the simplicity. That gorgeous moment that you just want to cover yourself with. Pour that whole moment over my head so that it's just dripping. Dripping from me. I'm swimming in those moments. Each and every one of them, oh I live for those little moments.