It really surprises me how many people are unhappy in their marriages, yet do nothing about it. Some of my co-workers are married and yet, as happy as they seem and as lived as their life is, they still seem unhappy in their marriages. Yet, they do nothing about it. One of them is separated, and completely fine with it. The other, married, to a man whom she says does nothing around the house and just sits around all day. This, she despises. Maybe it's just easier to stay together? I don't want my life to turn out that way, where it's just easier to be together than to split because of costs, emotions, etc.
Relationships, it would seem, are almost flawed from the beginning. One of my other co-workers has been dating a guy on and off for years and she finally wants to break up with him for good. Yet, she doesn't know how. She loves him. He loves her. They're best friends. But, she wants nothing to do with that anymore. Co-worker #2's response? "Just tell him you're in love with someone else." Co-worker #3's response? "Just get married, it sounds like you fight like you already are."
Is that what we're bound to in life? Unhappiness and inadequate relationships? Are all of the cute things about relationships only a facade? My parents have been happily married for years and get mad at each other like any normal couple, but what keeps them together that doesn't keep a lot of people together? And if these factors aren't bad enough, Are we bound to cheat in relationships? I've cheated. A lot of people have. I don't see anything wrong with what I've done, per say, and I don't think that I should be punished for what I have done in the past. The past is the past and the present is now.
I don't regret the things I've done because that's not the way I believe life should work. Everything happens for a reason. A series of bad events are going to happen in your life, but that's not to say that we should regret the things that caused them. If you regret something, you're looking back on the past and wishing it had been differently. But, what I don't understand is if you want to take something back, you must have thought it was right at the moment that the event took place. Even our irrational thoughts are things that, at that moment, we believed to be "right" or "correct." You can't go back and change the things that happened, so why do we dwell upon it? "I regret that decision." Well, you very well may, but you can't go back and change it.
Saturday, January 28, 2006
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Hide and Seek:Lyrics and My Feelings
Imogen Heap - 'Hide and Seek'
where are we? what the hell is going on?
the dust has only just began to fall
crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling
spin me around again and rub my eyes
this can't be happening
when busy streets a mess with people would stop to hold their heads heavy
hide and seek
trains and sewing machines?
all those years they were here first
oily marks appear on walls
where pleasue moments hung before
the takeover, the sweeping insensitivity of this
still alive
hide and seek
trains and sewing machines? oh, you won't catch me around here
blood and tears they were here first
mm what you say
oh that you only meant well, well of course you did
mm what you say
mm that it's all for the best, of course it is
mm what you say
that IT'S JUST what we need, you decided this
mm what you say
what did she say?
ransom notes keep falling at your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
speak no feeling no i don't believe you
you don't care a bit you don't care a bit
ransom notes keep falling at your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
speak no feeling no i don't believe you
you don't care a bit you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
---------------------------------------------------------------
This is just how I feel about one sided relationships:mm what you say
oh that you only meant well, well of course you did
mm what you say
mm that it's all for the best, of course it is
mm what you say
that IT'S JUST what we need, you decided this
mm what you say
--------------------------------------------------------------
That's right...you made the decision without me, just as men always do,
and the only thing I know for sure is that we're through.
That's something I can never live with and hope not to have to,
But just as much as I want that to be otherwise, there's no doubt that it's true.
This song reminds me of you, the nights at your apartment, waking up in the morning, and everything in between. It's too bad I adore this song...
where are we? what the hell is going on?
the dust has only just began to fall
crop circles in the carpet, sinking, feeling
spin me around again and rub my eyes
this can't be happening
when busy streets a mess with people would stop to hold their heads heavy
hide and seek
trains and sewing machines?
all those years they were here first
oily marks appear on walls
where pleasue moments hung before
the takeover, the sweeping insensitivity of this
still alive
hide and seek
trains and sewing machines? oh, you won't catch me around here
blood and tears they were here first
mm what you say
oh that you only meant well, well of course you did
mm what you say
mm that it's all for the best, of course it is
mm what you say
that IT'S JUST what we need, you decided this
mm what you say
what did she say?
ransom notes keep falling at your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
speak no feeling no i don't believe you
you don't care a bit you don't care a bit
ransom notes keep falling at your mouth
mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut outs
speak no feeling no i don't believe you
you don't care a bit you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
you don't care a bit
---------------------------------------------------------------
This is just how I feel about one sided relationships:mm what you say
oh that you only meant well, well of course you did
mm what you say
mm that it's all for the best, of course it is
mm what you say
that IT'S JUST what we need, you decided this
mm what you say
--------------------------------------------------------------
That's right...you made the decision without me, just as men always do,
and the only thing I know for sure is that we're through.
That's something I can never live with and hope not to have to,
But just as much as I want that to be otherwise, there's no doubt that it's true.
This song reminds me of you, the nights at your apartment, waking up in the morning, and everything in between. It's too bad I adore this song...
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Won't Sleep Better Alone?
Pete Yorn, you may be wrong.
Today's English 473 was full of thoughts. Quite frequently during class, I had to sniff the beautifully sweet smell of the guy next to me, who wears the same cologne that you do. Thankfully, the guy sitting in front of him hadn't showered in a few days in order to cover up the 'stench' of your rememberance. I realized that in the process of experiencing the two types, no matter what you think...men all equal out to a result of zero.
Perhaps I should be giving up on the whole male race at this time, but sadly enough, I never do. I adore the thrill of "love" and everything that goes with it but, for now, I'm alone and that's the best way for me to be. I'm set in my ways, I don't want someone bossing me around and expecting things that I can't necessarily give. I love my busy schedule and all of the things that I pack into it. I'm slightly unreasonable about trying to be flexible and change that. There are few people that I would do that for. You, 5, are one of them.
Yet, I'm quite sick of the give and pulls of relationships that I tend to give and end up being the one who gives up everything. These sorts of unequal relationships are not something I'm looking for, nor do I currently think exist. There is no "ideal relationship" and if there is, it's tragic downfall will cause you to think otherwise. Perhaps there are truly ideal relationships, but me? I'm not a part of them. And right now, I don't want to be. I'm extatic to be by myself and living my own life and not having to worry about all those "other" people. I'm proud of being alone. This is the first time that I can comfortably say, I'm sincerely not interested.
The fact of the matter is, I do sleep better alone.
Today's English 473 was full of thoughts. Quite frequently during class, I had to sniff the beautifully sweet smell of the guy next to me, who wears the same cologne that you do. Thankfully, the guy sitting in front of him hadn't showered in a few days in order to cover up the 'stench' of your rememberance. I realized that in the process of experiencing the two types, no matter what you think...men all equal out to a result of zero.
Perhaps I should be giving up on the whole male race at this time, but sadly enough, I never do. I adore the thrill of "love" and everything that goes with it but, for now, I'm alone and that's the best way for me to be. I'm set in my ways, I don't want someone bossing me around and expecting things that I can't necessarily give. I love my busy schedule and all of the things that I pack into it. I'm slightly unreasonable about trying to be flexible and change that. There are few people that I would do that for. You, 5, are one of them.
Yet, I'm quite sick of the give and pulls of relationships that I tend to give and end up being the one who gives up everything. These sorts of unequal relationships are not something I'm looking for, nor do I currently think exist. There is no "ideal relationship" and if there is, it's tragic downfall will cause you to think otherwise. Perhaps there are truly ideal relationships, but me? I'm not a part of them. And right now, I don't want to be. I'm extatic to be by myself and living my own life and not having to worry about all those "other" people. I'm proud of being alone. This is the first time that I can comfortably say, I'm sincerely not interested.
The fact of the matter is, I do sleep better alone.
Thursday, January 12, 2006
The one that killed me most
The best gift I've ever received was from the love of my life...and I'm sitting here thinking about you again. I'm over you. I thought I was over you. I'm not quite sure if I'm over you. You're gorgeous and when I see men that look like you, I sometimes wish it was you. One of the most prized things that I own is the ring you gave me and everytime I think of you, I can't help but instantly needing to wear it and have that blue heart around my ring finger.
Maybe it's easiest for some to wear their heart on their sleeve. I wear mine on my finger. Perhaps it's easier to lose there.
I never use names in my blog and I tend to be very vague with most of the postings so that only certain people truly know what I'm talking about, but this time, I'm going to throw all of that out.
Josh, you kill me sometimes and I'm not quite sure why. You're the hearthrob I knew was out of my league, but you treated me like an angel anyway. I've never felt more comfortable, more relaxed, more...myself with anyone than you. Things were always perfectly set. I'd never have to tell you what I wanted, you'd never have to tell me what you wanted and everything was always a joint decision. We spent many a night watching movies, the tickling sessions, falling asleep in each other's arms. THAT was the thing I loved more than anything. Not the late intimate sessions or pulling each other closer; falling asleep with you was the thing I couldn't get enough of.
I loved it when you'd pull me closer, ask me not to leave, tell me to stay just 5 more minutes and I'd end up staying another half hour easily. I was never on time when I went out with you, but suddenly it was all ok. I was safe with you; nothing could tamper with that. There's so much more to tell about you and yet, there's still nothing more to say. You're gorgeous. You always will be gorgeous. And everytime I look at the ring you gave me, I know that WE were gorgeous. You'll always hold a chunk of my heart. Josh....
A little part of me died when I found out you were dating one of my close friends, whom I've known much longer than you have. It killed me instantly that you were so attracted with her and seemed to have lost all feeling if there ever were any for me. I wanted US to work, I didn't want you to work with one of my friends. A friend I really care about at that. Why? You loved her, you even told me you loved her...you never told me that. Perhaps that's a bit of jealousy...but we dated for a solid 8 months. The best 8 months of a relationship I've ever had and it seemed so easy for you to forget how the two of us ever were when you started to date her.
Yes, I want you to be happy. I want you to be happier than a child in springtime with a new bicycle. Josh, I loved you more than I thought I would ever let myself. And in fact, I never would let myself tell you that. The nights you'd spend sleeping, I'd spend watching you and stroking your hair, touching your face, knowing I had to tell you I loved you. And I would....but only when you were sleeping. At first, I couldn't imagine the two of you together...Were you using the same tricks on her that you used on me? You gave everything up for her and sometimes it seems, you never gave anything up for me...
My birthday that year was one of the best days I've ever experienced and I remember all of that moment in my room, the opening of the little box...the excitement. I remember having to go and show my sister while she was in the bathroom just to brag about how great it was and I cried a little when I told her. I was so damn happy. You made me so damn happy.
I was sick for weeks after you left me. I didn't eat for a week. I stayed in bed the entire day reading a book and crying after you left... I don't remember what the book was about at all. I remember the way you cried. I remember the way I felt like my stomach was coming out my mouth for days when I would get so upset that as a result I would get so sick and have to throw up in order to feel better...and of course, I never did feel better.
I miss having you close to me. I miss hearing your voice. I miss the feeling I'd have after being with you and I miss hearing you call my name. There always was something about the way you'd call me "Cat." I miss calling yours...hmm...Josh. It still rolls well of of my palatte.
Josh...
Maybe it's easiest for some to wear their heart on their sleeve. I wear mine on my finger. Perhaps it's easier to lose there.
I never use names in my blog and I tend to be very vague with most of the postings so that only certain people truly know what I'm talking about, but this time, I'm going to throw all of that out.
Josh, you kill me sometimes and I'm not quite sure why. You're the hearthrob I knew was out of my league, but you treated me like an angel anyway. I've never felt more comfortable, more relaxed, more...myself with anyone than you. Things were always perfectly set. I'd never have to tell you what I wanted, you'd never have to tell me what you wanted and everything was always a joint decision. We spent many a night watching movies, the tickling sessions, falling asleep in each other's arms. THAT was the thing I loved more than anything. Not the late intimate sessions or pulling each other closer; falling asleep with you was the thing I couldn't get enough of.
I loved it when you'd pull me closer, ask me not to leave, tell me to stay just 5 more minutes and I'd end up staying another half hour easily. I was never on time when I went out with you, but suddenly it was all ok. I was safe with you; nothing could tamper with that. There's so much more to tell about you and yet, there's still nothing more to say. You're gorgeous. You always will be gorgeous. And everytime I look at the ring you gave me, I know that WE were gorgeous. You'll always hold a chunk of my heart. Josh....
A little part of me died when I found out you were dating one of my close friends, whom I've known much longer than you have. It killed me instantly that you were so attracted with her and seemed to have lost all feeling if there ever were any for me. I wanted US to work, I didn't want you to work with one of my friends. A friend I really care about at that. Why? You loved her, you even told me you loved her...you never told me that. Perhaps that's a bit of jealousy...but we dated for a solid 8 months. The best 8 months of a relationship I've ever had and it seemed so easy for you to forget how the two of us ever were when you started to date her.
Yes, I want you to be happy. I want you to be happier than a child in springtime with a new bicycle. Josh, I loved you more than I thought I would ever let myself. And in fact, I never would let myself tell you that. The nights you'd spend sleeping, I'd spend watching you and stroking your hair, touching your face, knowing I had to tell you I loved you. And I would....but only when you were sleeping. At first, I couldn't imagine the two of you together...Were you using the same tricks on her that you used on me? You gave everything up for her and sometimes it seems, you never gave anything up for me...
My birthday that year was one of the best days I've ever experienced and I remember all of that moment in my room, the opening of the little box...the excitement. I remember having to go and show my sister while she was in the bathroom just to brag about how great it was and I cried a little when I told her. I was so damn happy. You made me so damn happy.
I was sick for weeks after you left me. I didn't eat for a week. I stayed in bed the entire day reading a book and crying after you left... I don't remember what the book was about at all. I remember the way you cried. I remember the way I felt like my stomach was coming out my mouth for days when I would get so upset that as a result I would get so sick and have to throw up in order to feel better...and of course, I never did feel better.
I miss having you close to me. I miss hearing your voice. I miss the feeling I'd have after being with you and I miss hearing you call my name. There always was something about the way you'd call me "Cat." I miss calling yours...hmm...Josh. It still rolls well of of my palatte.
Josh...
Monday, January 09, 2006
Search?
No matter how I look, what I'm searching, or what fields I change, You're always the one I find. There's something almost wrong with all of that. Realistically speaking, I mean. The more I want to write about it, the more I know I would hurt certain people in doing so and god damn it, I'm not going to do that. I hate having a secret life.....
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