New Beginnings

This is the time when I'm going to start over. The school year has already begun, but I'm starting over and turning a new leaf now. Today. This very moment. I strive to be a better person, someone happier, someone harder working, someone to aspire to be. I aspire to be new, innovative, and put together. As much as I want to say that I "know" myself, I'm not sure I can ever truly "know" anything...but there are a few exceptions.

I know that writing is something I need to do. It's something I didn't realize I needed so much in my life, but it's a great outlet.

I know that I'm emotional and I get caught in the moment so well...because when I'm truly happy, each little moment means something special. The sunset can be beautiful when you're in the right state of mind, and the individual patches of grass near the sidewalk, the leaf that blows in the deep autumn air, this moment right now at my computer. If you are truly "in" the moment, you can feel the smile of simplicity come over you and my body feels euphoric.

I know, and this is a big realization, I know that I'm in love with the one man I can't live without and the one man I want to spend the rest of my life with. I can only hope that you feel the same way...

I'm not always the most desirable person in the world (either to hang out with or to be with) but I'm on a distinct mission to come closer to the person I want to have others see me as. The hard exterior needs to go....and I need to soften a bit. I'm a softie all together with too much emotion bottled up, too much resentment, and I've been completely jaded on a lot of subjects. This is the time for rebirth. The colour representation of rebirth, green, will forever be placed on my body with the reminder of the evolving self. This self is coming to evolve, to change, to bring out something new, something contemporary, and something better. I will strive.

Three Days

So in the last week, everything has changed. I'm discouraged; I'm angered; I'm crushed. I feel as if a little part of me has fallen and I'm not quite sure how to come up again. My best friend is abandoning me for her boyfriend and lying to me.

My ex-boyfriend/good friend and I have been bickering for almost a month now...and it's making me really angry. I love you, but you make my life miserable.

My potential boyfriend just wants to be friends and has been in Minnesota for a week and a half. I miss him terribly, but I'm not sure what our situation is and it's increasingly getting awkward.

I'm losing my self-worth by trying to just have fun and then later realizing that it isn't fun and I'm ruining myself. I'm breaking down and falling....but who will catch me? This time I don't have anyone to lean on...and I'm not sure who to ask for help. I have parents that love me and will love me no matter what, but they can't always be the best indicators of what the "right" thing to do is with my set of friends. My best friends seem to be turning on me..especially the two best friends that I've had for 5 years or more. I hate using names in my blog...and I try to be intentionally vague...but today...I'm not going to. Michael, I love you and I adore you, but you're selfish. You care too much about yourself to care for someone else and you have no sense of time. I'm sick of sitting around waiting for you when you're late and I'm REALLY sick of having you stand me up the last two times we've made plans. NOBODY DOES THAT TO ME AND I WON'T PUT UP WITH IT. I'm sick of the fact that you would never tell me about your father or his side of the family and that in the 6 years that we've been dating on and off, I've never met him. If you wanted us to be together, why do you constantly fuck it up?
Josh was the best boyfriend I have ever had...and now? I still wear the ring he gave me, I still think about him, yet, I know that he's turned into a complete jackass and someone I want nothing to do with. But, it still hurts to know that the guy I once loved so dearly changed into someone I don't even know.
Liberty, you're throwing me for a loop. You say one thing and act another. I know that you felt something those times too otherwise it wouldn't have been so good...

I'm lost with all the problems with my friends, the constant problems with my sister, the men in my life...

There's three days until school starts and I'm not excited about it, but I'm content with it. Something to keep me busy will be good for now...because right now all I'm doing is thinking. And what I really want to do is break down and cry...