Words that must be said.

Confession. Tonight, my head is wrapped around someone who came and went in my life. With only a short period of knowing each other, I can hardly say anything for certain about his life, or about mine. But, what I do know is that now he's gone. Gone and won't be coming back.

I miss the nights we used to jam at the the fraternity by the stadium. I miss the nights I used to practice at your house for my audition instead of a cramped up little practice room in the music building on campus. I miss the night we went out to dinner with one of my friends and her boyfriend at the time and just drove around the city. I miss drinking wine and having you cook me dinner, and watching Seinfeld. I miss your apartment and the way I sank into your couch. I miss the long walks to your apartment in anticipation of seeing you. But now you're gone. Gone and will not be coming back. Gone, and I'll never see you again. Gone, and I didn't even go to your funeral.

I'm comin home

First of all, wine makes the world go round. Just had to put that out there. Anyone who disagrees need not read any further.



So, I'm not much for usually sharing images, photos, videos, etc. on this blog. It's mostly about writing. But, let me explain for a moment...

I don't give a shit about the rapping in this song. I merely care about the first 30 seconds and the re-occurring moments through the rest of the song where this vignette is revisited. It's beautiful. It's real.... it's oh so very true.

i'm coming home/i'm coming home/tell the world i'm coming home.
let the rain/wash away/all the pain of yesterday/i know my kingdom awaits/and they've forgiven my mistakes/i'm coming home/i'm coming home/tell the world i'm coming home.

I have, actually, made it full circle and feel that I'm (theoretically at least) "coming" home. I've started prepping for my new career and I feel at home there. My thoughts are crazy, and ridiculous, and all over the place as normal, but I'm feeling a sense of "home" in them. I feel more myself than I have in years. I feel delighted with life; I feel there's something to live for. More importantly, I feel that I have a purpose. There is a need for me to make this continue. That's all I'll say about that because I try to keep my high points pretty private.

In another sense, I feel like my brain is trying to tell me something and I've figured it out, but, as normal, it's hard to really admit that you feel the way you do about something. On rare occasions, I decide to wear my heart on my sleeve. In general, I keep these things hidden, deep within the soul, so that it never has to face the daylight of someone else's judgment. It's something I absolutely do not embrace. There is a time and place for my heart to be laid out on the line for everyone to experience, but mostly, I keep it very protected.

There are very few people in life who get to know the inner workings of my mind. If you think these writings are the true extent of "me"....well then, if only you knew the things that really go on in my head. There's far more than I would ever let on.

The New Year

Yesterday, I got totally schooled by an 18 year old. How is it that an eighteen year old knows more about the human condition than I do at 24? I told her one vaguely intimate story of my life, a mere seconds in reality, and yet she knew the answer better than I did. Within thirty seconds I was crying. Bawling in the way that you can't control your feelings, but really want to go back and edit the fact that you'd just let someone into your life. Bawling not only because of this, but because she was completely and utterly right. How didn't I see that before? Usually, I find myself very intuitive about other people, but after that experience, how can I possibly believe that about myself?

2011 is bound to be a year of reflection. Little did I know, I have more to reflect on than I originally thought. A year of discovery, perhaps. Maybe at 24, I've finally decided to figure out why I am the way I am instead of just letting it happen without reasoning with it.

Let the new year begin...