And in the last 24 hours, everything seems to have changed and i'm in yet another of those overanalyzing states.
Maybe I'm far too sensitive a person to ever find something real...and when I do find something real, it beautifully falls right through my fingers like the crack of an egg hitting the floor. I wish I could explain it differently, yet it seems thats the way everything has been in the past. And here I am...circling back. Tell me you won't leave just because it gets to hard...Maybe this will end up to be one of those times when i just get everything out of my head and write it down...sometimes its much easier for me to put the words out there where i stupidly believe that no one will read it...
just please, Never lie to me and tell me something you don't mean. Tell me I'm the one you want to be with and that no one else matters. Sometimes it seems that the whole thing is rediculous because in the end, I know you're leaving, but I love you and thats why I'm working at this. I can only pray that I won't get hurt ...I'm not sure I'm a strong enough woman to heal a broken heart again. Love isnt a term that should be thrown around so loosely...and I promised myself long ago that it wasn't going to come out of my mouth unless I found something special. I'm taking a chance on this...a chance on you..
please, don't tell me I should get out of this...thats the last thing I want.
i'm just as scared as you are because i don't want to lose you either...
you aren't going to
you don't have to...
Sunday, January 30, 2005
Friday, January 21, 2005
I take that back
I have made a conclusion: I shouldn't post during my irrational moments...!
but also....
1. I don't need to know all the answers...yet.
2. That I think I just had a realization that I'm looking about this all pessimistically and I should just look at things for what it is...NOT try to analyze my relationships with other people and just to take it as it is.
Although, this as well is my downfall since I seem to have to analyze everything...
Help?!
In the grand scheme of things...I'm feeling a bit better about myself currently and while i still may be slightly unsure of things, i'll pass through this "uncertain phase" in a matter of hours.
but also....
1. I don't need to know all the answers...yet.
2. That I think I just had a realization that I'm looking about this all pessimistically and I should just look at things for what it is...NOT try to analyze my relationships with other people and just to take it as it is.
Although, this as well is my downfall since I seem to have to analyze everything...
Help?!
In the grand scheme of things...I'm feeling a bit better about myself currently and while i still may be slightly unsure of things, i'll pass through this "uncertain phase" in a matter of hours.
New Deep...
Today's a day just like any other and as usual I'm getting to that point where I just don't know what's real anymore. I'm so uncertain about things and I have these moments every now and again, yet everytime this happens, I immediately hate myself afterwards for acting the way I did or over-reacting, or being so damn indecisive. I hate that I act that way sometimes and it kills me to see myself doing that. Right now, it's getting to the point where I can even tell WHEN i'm over-reacting in those "uncertain times" and yet, I can't find a way to stop it or get myself out of it. There's no way for me to justify it at all and of course I'm digging myself in a ditch by acting that way. I have to say that I can't seem to figure out a way to stop myself from feeling so uncertain of these things. Is Jenn really my best friend? Well, the simple answer here, is of course she is because she has done absolutely nothing to betray my trust or for me to be mad at her. Yet, i'm sitting here questioning it like my life depends upon it. I of course love Jenn and would never want something to get in the way of our friendship, yet, i'm wondering if something could come between us and then Jenn wouldn't be my best friend anymore. That's only one example. As always, I'm questioning my place in society and my place in college? What am I doing here exactly? Right now, I'm just taking things that fill requirements and I thought would be interesting topics. Some of the credits I have are purely to figure out if i would be interested in the topics and some are just random things that I would "need" to take to graduate from the UW. But, what is my purpose here? What am I ultimately destined to do? You see...there of course is no answer to this either because I have plenty of time to figure all of this out...yet, as I've stated in an earlier blog, I want someone to just tell me and hand it on a silver platter. "This is what you're supposed to do, GO DO IT!" But while I'm so uncertain about it, I question the fact of why I'm even here in the first place. And my answer to that? Well, I really can't think of one. I need a college education in order to do something with my life and make a career or name for myself, yet, Why Wisconsin? Why not tech school? or a specialty school? Why not MMI for recording or tech school for dental assistant? Why Wisconsin over Minnesota in the first place? I of course had crappy reasons for picking my school and I'd never be one to say that out loud of course. Half of the reason was legit. of course. It's the best school I got into...so of course I'd go there....applied on a whim, got in, and look at me--here i am! The other half, however, is completely depressing. My boyfriend of the moment was transferring up here and I was going to college at the same time. It seemed like a wonderful decision in the beginning--he and I going to the same school...and now that that blew up in my face, I've circled around through much misery and a state of completeness by being with myself and now I've started something new. Something new and amazing. But, here comes my downfall yet again. Everything in the world could be just as I'd like them to be (i would say perfect here, but how cliche...and what is ever really "perfect" anyhow!?!) but getting back to the point...things are just as I would hope them to be....yet, not a thing could be going wrong, not a doubt in MY mind...but I assume there are doubts in other peoples...especially yours. But why? You've reassured me that there should be no doubts. But then why do I still feel the same??
Oh the questions of life...if I keep rambling on about this, I'm sure i'll conclude with nothing as always...so I'll leave it at that.
...done with the old me...
Oh the questions of life...if I keep rambling on about this, I'm sure i'll conclude with nothing as always...so I'll leave it at that.
...done with the old me...
Thursday, January 20, 2005
Tonight, Tonight
Ladies, hang on to the good ones...
I'm so alive with you and I'm sure you don't even realize how i feel...i'm so glad I met you and I'm so glad you're patient with me. I hate myself for those insecure moments, but you've been amazing about them, thank you. You're one of the best people I've ever met in my life and I just want you to know that...
i love you.
I'm so alive with you and I'm sure you don't even realize how i feel...i'm so glad I met you and I'm so glad you're patient with me. I hate myself for those insecure moments, but you've been amazing about them, thank you. You're one of the best people I've ever met in my life and I just want you to know that...
i love you.
Thursday, January 13, 2005
Cat's Rant
Alright...Everyone's heard me bitch about this before...(this blog is getting to be more and more about just myself and I feel shitty for doing it....) but in the event that I've already started to swing it that way, I may as well continue on for another night...
I'm so sick of being treated like a child here, it's not even funny. I wish my parents wouldn't leave me out of what's going on with my college financials but they don't seem to think its important. They didn't tell me what my loans are for, what they're paying for and what's going to be my responsibility. I can't stand that. They've chosen my life for me already it seems. The "daily" emails from mom to let me know that she misses me, can't wait to see me, and update me about the weather...I'm so damn sick of those clogging up my inbox folder. I don't need to hear about the latest stupid little news going on in the family daily. I care of course because they're my family and i love them more than anything...but Do i really need to hear about grandma's latest little episode of forgetting to take her pills (which is like a daily occurance in our family...) or about Mom's crappy day with her boss at SJV? I'm just so sick of it...call me when it's important damn it! I don't want to hear about the stupid daily shit that was the reason i got out of that shit-ass town!
I can't stand the "When are you coming home?" "will you be back for dinner?" "Were you going to ask to do that/go out tonight?" I shouldn't NEED to ask about those things...I'm 18 years old...old enough to take care of myself. I don't need my mother worrying about me and I most certainly don't feel the need to let her know that I'm "OK" after reaching my destination. I understand that she worries about me, but to this extent? I mean, i've been driving for long enough now that I know how to handle my car in the snow and in the rain, sleet, hail, or avalanche. She just needs to get over the fact that she can't always know what I'm doing at every moment. And on top of that, mostly those stupid little things aren't important. I mean...Who really cares what subjects I studied the previous night or what I did that afternoon? I'm in college for christ's sake. I went to class and read. What else do we really do?? Nothing big happens on a daily basis or on an every other day basis...what could I possibly have to talk to you about on the phone that often to keep your attention. Unless I need something or they need something, I just don't see the point in wasting the phone call. And of course I don't mean that talking to my parents is a 'waste,' I'm simply saying that so often when there isnt anything really going on is just frivilous. There's no need for any of that.
I'm so tired of being a prisoner in my own home..."where are you going" "what are you doing" "who will be there" "what time are you coming home" COLLEGE isnt like that at all. I don't expect to have 6 months of freedom to come home and have almost an entire month of being caged like a little animal...
Obviously you can tell I'm a bit frustrated... I've had a crappy night...therefore, I'm going to bed early because I just don't feel like ranting on and on about this as I think i've bored most of you quite enough...
In the meantime, I feel shitty and like I'm 12...
I'm so sick of being treated like a child here, it's not even funny. I wish my parents wouldn't leave me out of what's going on with my college financials but they don't seem to think its important. They didn't tell me what my loans are for, what they're paying for and what's going to be my responsibility. I can't stand that. They've chosen my life for me already it seems. The "daily" emails from mom to let me know that she misses me, can't wait to see me, and update me about the weather...I'm so damn sick of those clogging up my inbox folder. I don't need to hear about the latest stupid little news going on in the family daily. I care of course because they're my family and i love them more than anything...but Do i really need to hear about grandma's latest little episode of forgetting to take her pills (which is like a daily occurance in our family...) or about Mom's crappy day with her boss at SJV? I'm just so sick of it...call me when it's important damn it! I don't want to hear about the stupid daily shit that was the reason i got out of that shit-ass town!
I can't stand the "When are you coming home?" "will you be back for dinner?" "Were you going to ask to do that/go out tonight?" I shouldn't NEED to ask about those things...I'm 18 years old...old enough to take care of myself. I don't need my mother worrying about me and I most certainly don't feel the need to let her know that I'm "OK" after reaching my destination. I understand that she worries about me, but to this extent? I mean, i've been driving for long enough now that I know how to handle my car in the snow and in the rain, sleet, hail, or avalanche. She just needs to get over the fact that she can't always know what I'm doing at every moment. And on top of that, mostly those stupid little things aren't important. I mean...Who really cares what subjects I studied the previous night or what I did that afternoon? I'm in college for christ's sake. I went to class and read. What else do we really do?? Nothing big happens on a daily basis or on an every other day basis...what could I possibly have to talk to you about on the phone that often to keep your attention. Unless I need something or they need something, I just don't see the point in wasting the phone call. And of course I don't mean that talking to my parents is a 'waste,' I'm simply saying that so often when there isnt anything really going on is just frivilous. There's no need for any of that.
I'm so tired of being a prisoner in my own home..."where are you going" "what are you doing" "who will be there" "what time are you coming home" COLLEGE isnt like that at all. I don't expect to have 6 months of freedom to come home and have almost an entire month of being caged like a little animal...
Obviously you can tell I'm a bit frustrated... I've had a crappy night...therefore, I'm going to bed early because I just don't feel like ranting on and on about this as I think i've bored most of you quite enough...
In the meantime, I feel shitty and like I'm 12...
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Feeling Sick
I know what you're all thinking...I'm not ACTUALLY sick. What I mean is that I'm tired of being in Janesville. Only a few days left...I'm ready to get back to school and away from these people and this style of life for awhile. (And only a few days left of work until the month of February!!! Plenty of time to search for something in Madison... :-) I'm sick of being away from everything I love about Madison...my roomie, the nightly routine, my friends, afternoon walks, and most of all my (almost) nightly ritual of Adam. You guessed it...I'm dying being at home, sleeping in my own bed. Nights are boring and since we both have separate lives right now :-( I'm missing you even more!
My parents treat me like a child and in a way (or two...) I really am a child. I still practically live at home (which i hate...) and I work a crap ass job just to make some extra cash. Don't get me wrong, I love my job...but it's beginning to mess with my schedule and my routine of things. Getting out of Janesville was the first thing on my list when I was a Senior in H.S. and now look at me! I'm a f'n townie...I need to find a way out of here....!
On a side note, I had a fun-filled afternoon/evening with a bunch of my friends. Stephanie called for a late lunch date, Jenn called for a late dinner date (desert for me!), and I visited the HS to spend a few extra hours there talking to Finney and catcing up with the G-Stringers. Gotta love the good ol' Monday night routine of the past 4 years of my life. It's funny how much things have changed since I was there. (Not that it was all that long ago of course...) Result of the evening: I get to job shadow Finney (aka Sarah Finn-Sommerfeld--or Finn-Summerfield if you're my dearest Wilco lovin buddy Elizabeth!) tomorrow and work with the high school solo/ensemble group as well as the middle school group at Franklin (only to see the biggest fan of the Franklin Middle School Quartet circa 5 years go...Mr. Erikson! Elizabeth--I MISS HIM TOO....all those afterschool events with him twirling around like he was in a tu-tu or giving his oh so wonderful critique.)
I've rambled enough tonight...therefore I'm all set to do one last thing: POST!
My parents treat me like a child and in a way (or two...) I really am a child. I still practically live at home (which i hate...) and I work a crap ass job just to make some extra cash. Don't get me wrong, I love my job...but it's beginning to mess with my schedule and my routine of things. Getting out of Janesville was the first thing on my list when I was a Senior in H.S. and now look at me! I'm a f'n townie...I need to find a way out of here....!
On a side note, I had a fun-filled afternoon/evening with a bunch of my friends. Stephanie called for a late lunch date, Jenn called for a late dinner date (desert for me!), and I visited the HS to spend a few extra hours there talking to Finney and catcing up with the G-Stringers. Gotta love the good ol' Monday night routine of the past 4 years of my life. It's funny how much things have changed since I was there. (Not that it was all that long ago of course...) Result of the evening: I get to job shadow Finney (aka Sarah Finn-Sommerfeld--or Finn-Summerfield if you're my dearest Wilco lovin buddy Elizabeth!) tomorrow and work with the high school solo/ensemble group as well as the middle school group at Franklin (only to see the biggest fan of the Franklin Middle School Quartet circa 5 years go...Mr. Erikson! Elizabeth--I MISS HIM TOO....all those afterschool events with him twirling around like he was in a tu-tu or giving his oh so wonderful critique.)
I've rambled enough tonight...therefore I'm all set to do one last thing: POST!
Thursday, January 06, 2005
confused...officially
You heard me...confused...officially. What the hell am I doing with my life? When I was little, I always wanted to be a nurse or a vet, a teacher or a lawyer, a musician or a writer. Now, I'm so far away from all of those things it scares me. I have literally no idea what I'm doing with my life right now. In that case, is the UW really the right place for me to be? I'm spending so much money to be there, yet I have no idea where life is going to take me and where I'm going. Everyone else seems to at least have some sort of idea and I'm left in the dark completely confused. My sister switched majors within her first semester of being at college...within WEEKS of starting college...and where am I? The School of Music doesn't think I'm good enough, yet I know if I transfered to a mediocre, small school I'd be admitted in a heartbeat. Does that mean I should settle for something less when I know I'm better than that?
I'm scared that I'm wasting my time not knowing what I want to do. I'm looking at all of the requirements for a ton of different majors and i'm completely overwhelmed. I'm a mess and I don't even know what about...Why? Did I make the wrong decision about going to the UW in the first place? I thought this was the best thing for me...but was I blinded by the other factors in my life at the time? Would I have been happily at U of M if I wasnt at the UW? and for that matter, how the hell did I get into the UW anyway?! I wasn't even a wait-listed applicant...they took me right away. What the hell were they thinking?! I'm not sure I have the analytical mind for this sort of education. I feel like the fish in the sea thats a completely blank book waiting to fill the pages. All of these other people know just what they 're doing and they're so knowledgable...I'm sitting here looking up the words they just spoke in a dictionary because I have no idea what they just said. Was I really destined to be where I am right now?
Without the random thoughts I'm so famous for, I never would have even applied to the UW. It was all a whim. It's crazy to tell everyone that story when they knew they were Badgers at birth. I've never thought myself a Badger until I started attending the school...and yet, Am I really? Maybe I was supposed to be a Gopher...? I never even did a campus visit at the UW and yet...that's where I ended up...I love the city and I've met some AMAZING people, good friends that'll probably remain good friends of mine for years to come...but is there some way that I'm not in the place that I should be? I'm just running all of these things through my head and wondering...What would have happened had I gone to U of M?
I thought trying to stay close to Janesville would keep the two of us together and that plan certainly didn't work...yet in an effort to stay close to home...some crazy weekend in Janesville on a trip to the library, I meet the most amazing guy I've ever met eyes with. And yet...I'm scared as all hell of the decision I made in the first place. Had I not gone to the UW, would I have ever met you?
That question is going to kill me for the rest of the evening I'm sure...
I'm scared that I'm wasting my time not knowing what I want to do. I'm looking at all of the requirements for a ton of different majors and i'm completely overwhelmed. I'm a mess and I don't even know what about...Why? Did I make the wrong decision about going to the UW in the first place? I thought this was the best thing for me...but was I blinded by the other factors in my life at the time? Would I have been happily at U of M if I wasnt at the UW? and for that matter, how the hell did I get into the UW anyway?! I wasn't even a wait-listed applicant...they took me right away. What the hell were they thinking?! I'm not sure I have the analytical mind for this sort of education. I feel like the fish in the sea thats a completely blank book waiting to fill the pages. All of these other people know just what they 're doing and they're so knowledgable...I'm sitting here looking up the words they just spoke in a dictionary because I have no idea what they just said. Was I really destined to be where I am right now?
Without the random thoughts I'm so famous for, I never would have even applied to the UW. It was all a whim. It's crazy to tell everyone that story when they knew they were Badgers at birth. I've never thought myself a Badger until I started attending the school...and yet, Am I really? Maybe I was supposed to be a Gopher...? I never even did a campus visit at the UW and yet...that's where I ended up...I love the city and I've met some AMAZING people, good friends that'll probably remain good friends of mine for years to come...but is there some way that I'm not in the place that I should be? I'm just running all of these things through my head and wondering...What would have happened had I gone to U of M?
I thought trying to stay close to Janesville would keep the two of us together and that plan certainly didn't work...yet in an effort to stay close to home...some crazy weekend in Janesville on a trip to the library, I meet the most amazing guy I've ever met eyes with. And yet...I'm scared as all hell of the decision I made in the first place. Had I not gone to the UW, would I have ever met you?
That question is going to kill me for the rest of the evening I'm sure...
Monday, January 03, 2005
Infatuation
your kisses
like candy
sweet to the taste
your eyes
so mysterious
yet i v want to see the world in them
The touch of your hand to mine
gentle and sweet
like rain drops falling from the sky
to hear your breathing
rhythmic and steady
everlasting and full of life
the smile on your face says it all
never wanting to let go
time seems to stop
all in the world is right
there is nthing but you and I
nothing else matters...
3.9.03
Good lord thats old...
Here's another...3.27.03
Scared of what may come, the feelings that may arise. Help me through them and comfort me as I do. I'm feeling scared from years past and of the pain it caused. Hear my words as I pray for a guiding hand. Falling into what may come and all i can think is of the pain it caused before. Wanting things to be different. Scared of revealing myself and letting you see me. Don't want to get hurt, tears may fall as I remmeber, the days of yesterday...frightened of this world, full of suffering, wanting compassion and faith. Faith, which I have found in you. Help me to take the next step--to recover. To crawl through the hole to something new and pleasant. I want to be able to feel love-to be able to hear those words, spoken to me, to bleieve in them--that they are true. Please, promise not to hurt me, unsure if i can bear the pain
of yesterday.
I'm not really sure why I'm in the mood to show everyone these...but while i'm giving you my life history, here's one more:
Michael
5.26.03
I'm agonized by you
everyday of my life
like a bad letter that keeps coming back
more and more torture is all i recieve
your wounds won't go away
damaged and irreversible
trying to stand for what i beleive in
but you keep pushing me down
we arent together
you have no control
i'm not yours anymore
the days get longer your comments hurt
i'm strong enough not to cry
they're all around me and
the room is getting smaller
especially when you're around...
i've tried all i can think of
just leave my behind
you're a parasite
living off my blood
this wounded soul cannot be fixed
unless you decide to finally realize
that i'm not yours anymore
and through these years it always seems
that you are still around
your presence-it lingers
please let it fall one day...
and maybe sometime
you'll realize what you've done
and you'll fall back and change your ways
until that day, just know
i'm not yours anymore.
like candy
sweet to the taste
your eyes
so mysterious
yet i v want to see the world in them
The touch of your hand to mine
gentle and sweet
like rain drops falling from the sky
to hear your breathing
rhythmic and steady
everlasting and full of life
the smile on your face says it all
never wanting to let go
time seems to stop
all in the world is right
there is nthing but you and I
nothing else matters...
3.9.03
Good lord thats old...
Here's another...3.27.03
Scared of what may come, the feelings that may arise. Help me through them and comfort me as I do. I'm feeling scared from years past and of the pain it caused. Hear my words as I pray for a guiding hand. Falling into what may come and all i can think is of the pain it caused before. Wanting things to be different. Scared of revealing myself and letting you see me. Don't want to get hurt, tears may fall as I remmeber, the days of yesterday...frightened of this world, full of suffering, wanting compassion and faith. Faith, which I have found in you. Help me to take the next step--to recover. To crawl through the hole to something new and pleasant. I want to be able to feel love-to be able to hear those words, spoken to me, to bleieve in them--that they are true. Please, promise not to hurt me, unsure if i can bear the pain
of yesterday.
I'm not really sure why I'm in the mood to show everyone these...but while i'm giving you my life history, here's one more:
Michael
5.26.03
I'm agonized by you
everyday of my life
like a bad letter that keeps coming back
more and more torture is all i recieve
your wounds won't go away
damaged and irreversible
trying to stand for what i beleive in
but you keep pushing me down
we arent together
you have no control
i'm not yours anymore
the days get longer your comments hurt
i'm strong enough not to cry
they're all around me and
the room is getting smaller
especially when you're around...
i've tried all i can think of
just leave my behind
you're a parasite
living off my blood
this wounded soul cannot be fixed
unless you decide to finally realize
that i'm not yours anymore
and through these years it always seems
that you are still around
your presence-it lingers
please let it fall one day...
and maybe sometime
you'll realize what you've done
and you'll fall back and change your ways
until that day, just know
i'm not yours anymore.
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