New Deep...

Today's a day just like any other and as usual I'm getting to that point where I just don't know what's real anymore. I'm so uncertain about things and I have these moments every now and again, yet everytime this happens, I immediately hate myself afterwards for acting the way I did or over-reacting, or being so damn indecisive. I hate that I act that way sometimes and it kills me to see myself doing that. Right now, it's getting to the point where I can even tell WHEN i'm over-reacting in those "uncertain times" and yet, I can't find a way to stop it or get myself out of it. There's no way for me to justify it at all and of course I'm digging myself in a ditch by acting that way. I have to say that I can't seem to figure out a way to stop myself from feeling so uncertain of these things. Is Jenn really my best friend? Well, the simple answer here, is of course she is because she has done absolutely nothing to betray my trust or for me to be mad at her. Yet, i'm sitting here questioning it like my life depends upon it. I of course love Jenn and would never want something to get in the way of our friendship, yet, i'm wondering if something could come between us and then Jenn wouldn't be my best friend anymore. That's only one example. As always, I'm questioning my place in society and my place in college? What am I doing here exactly? Right now, I'm just taking things that fill requirements and I thought would be interesting topics. Some of the credits I have are purely to figure out if i would be interested in the topics and some are just random things that I would "need" to take to graduate from the UW. But, what is my purpose here? What am I ultimately destined to do? You see...there of course is no answer to this either because I have plenty of time to figure all of this out...yet, as I've stated in an earlier blog, I want someone to just tell me and hand it on a silver platter. "This is what you're supposed to do, GO DO IT!" But while I'm so uncertain about it, I question the fact of why I'm even here in the first place. And my answer to that? Well, I really can't think of one. I need a college education in order to do something with my life and make a career or name for myself, yet, Why Wisconsin? Why not tech school? or a specialty school? Why not MMI for recording or tech school for dental assistant? Why Wisconsin over Minnesota in the first place? I of course had crappy reasons for picking my school and I'd never be one to say that out loud of course. Half of the reason was legit. of course. It's the best school I got into...so of course I'd go there....applied on a whim, got in, and look at me--here i am! The other half, however, is completely depressing. My boyfriend of the moment was transferring up here and I was going to college at the same time. It seemed like a wonderful decision in the beginning--he and I going to the same school...and now that that blew up in my face, I've circled around through much misery and a state of completeness by being with myself and now I've started something new. Something new and amazing. But, here comes my downfall yet again. Everything in the world could be just as I'd like them to be (i would say perfect here, but how cliche...and what is ever really "perfect" anyhow!?!) but getting back to the point...things are just as I would hope them to be....yet, not a thing could be going wrong, not a doubt in MY mind...but I assume there are doubts in other peoples...especially yours. But why? You've reassured me that there should be no doubts. But then why do I still feel the same??
Oh the questions of life...if I keep rambling on about this, I'm sure i'll conclude with nothing as always...so I'll leave it at that.



...done with the old me...