The one that killed me most

The best gift I've ever received was from the love of my life...and I'm sitting here thinking about you again. I'm over you. I thought I was over you. I'm not quite sure if I'm over you. You're gorgeous and when I see men that look like you, I sometimes wish it was you. One of the most prized things that I own is the ring you gave me and everytime I think of you, I can't help but instantly needing to wear it and have that blue heart around my ring finger.

Maybe it's easiest for some to wear their heart on their sleeve. I wear mine on my finger. Perhaps it's easier to lose there.

I never use names in my blog and I tend to be very vague with most of the postings so that only certain people truly know what I'm talking about, but this time, I'm going to throw all of that out.

Josh, you kill me sometimes and I'm not quite sure why. You're the hearthrob I knew was out of my league, but you treated me like an angel anyway. I've never felt more comfortable, more relaxed, more...myself with anyone than you. Things were always perfectly set. I'd never have to tell you what I wanted, you'd never have to tell me what you wanted and everything was always a joint decision. We spent many a night watching movies, the tickling sessions, falling asleep in each other's arms. THAT was the thing I loved more than anything. Not the late intimate sessions or pulling each other closer; falling asleep with you was the thing I couldn't get enough of.

I loved it when you'd pull me closer, ask me not to leave, tell me to stay just 5 more minutes and I'd end up staying another half hour easily. I was never on time when I went out with you, but suddenly it was all ok. I was safe with you; nothing could tamper with that. There's so much more to tell about you and yet, there's still nothing more to say. You're gorgeous. You always will be gorgeous. And everytime I look at the ring you gave me, I know that WE were gorgeous. You'll always hold a chunk of my heart. Josh....

A little part of me died when I found out you were dating one of my close friends, whom I've known much longer than you have. It killed me instantly that you were so attracted with her and seemed to have lost all feeling if there ever were any for me. I wanted US to work, I didn't want you to work with one of my friends. A friend I really care about at that. Why? You loved her, you even told me you loved her...you never told me that. Perhaps that's a bit of jealousy...but we dated for a solid 8 months. The best 8 months of a relationship I've ever had and it seemed so easy for you to forget how the two of us ever were when you started to date her.

Yes, I want you to be happy. I want you to be happier than a child in springtime with a new bicycle. Josh, I loved you more than I thought I would ever let myself. And in fact, I never would let myself tell you that. The nights you'd spend sleeping, I'd spend watching you and stroking your hair, touching your face, knowing I had to tell you I loved you. And I would....but only when you were sleeping. At first, I couldn't imagine the two of you together...Were you using the same tricks on her that you used on me? You gave everything up for her and sometimes it seems, you never gave anything up for me...

My birthday that year was one of the best days I've ever experienced and I remember all of that moment in my room, the opening of the little box...the excitement. I remember having to go and show my sister while she was in the bathroom just to brag about how great it was and I cried a little when I told her. I was so damn happy. You made me so damn happy.

I was sick for weeks after you left me. I didn't eat for a week. I stayed in bed the entire day reading a book and crying after you left... I don't remember what the book was about at all. I remember the way you cried. I remember the way I felt like my stomach was coming out my mouth for days when I would get so upset that as a result I would get so sick and have to throw up in order to feel better...and of course, I never did feel better.

I miss having you close to me. I miss hearing your voice. I miss the feeling I'd have after being with you and I miss hearing you call my name. There always was something about the way you'd call me "Cat." I miss calling yours...hmm...Josh. It still rolls well of of my palatte.

Josh...