Where are we? Spin me round again...
Ugh...again. Anything to be at that point where I was.
It's one of those nights where I could stare into space for hours and what would happen? Absolutely nothing. And the drop of a pin could make me break into a million pieces. I'm not sure I can explain all of the emotions floating around, swimming between thoughts in my head right now. I'm just at an utter loss for explaination. That never seems to happen. I have a theory for everything. Yet, there are certain things that I can't ever grasp into my head...nothing's constant, everything is always changing. The constant--everything can change in just one of those little instances. One moment I'm looking at you and thinking, "God, how can I possibly not feel this way?" and the next I'm pulling myself away. All I want is that closeness...yet, it seems so out of reach. It's right there, but I can't touch it. Yet, I don't feel that way at all. I'm having all of these mixed thoughts and they are just swimming around, keeping me from sleeping. I'm so fucking tired. I was up too early and stayed up too late. I'm still thinking and I know a cold splash of reality won't help anything. As much as I love having everything planned out, this is the one thing that I can't plan. I can't set a date for it in my planner or make my usual "list of things to do" because that doesn't quite fit on it. Long term goals stay the same. Write. I can't stop listening to this song. The lyrics...I don't even care about the lyrics. There are only sounds. The sounds that get into my skin and you can feel the emotion that the artist is feeling. I can feel myself lifting my hands at the breaths in the music, like a lift of a bow or the lift of a pianist's hands for stylistic feeling. Funny, this never happens on my laptop...
Dream, just keep on dreaming...
Your book will pull the reader in. Make the audience understand what it's like to overcome this....
Maybe I should work on coming to terms with it first? It's looking me straight in the eye and I can't look at it back. Tears. Oh, here come the tears. I can't imagine life any other way. These pictures in my head aren't good. They go against all of my theories of being alone for the rest of my life.... I want my fantasy.
This is what after midnight will do to you when you've been up circling around things in your head for too long. This whole thing I'm sure will sound so disconnected. God, I need a drink to help me fall asleep....where's my flask?!
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