Thoughts of the Night

Tonight, I'm not feeling very chatty. Not because I don't have anything to say, but because I'm not sure what I want to say. I usually spend my time on this blog about things I see when I'm out and about, or to post some poetry that I've written, post about my life or what I like, about what I see in society...

However, today I haven't seen much. I spent most of the day inside the house I live in and mostly spent my time searching the internet instead of doing anything constructive. I should have done countless things around the house, but I find myself bored most of the day and yet, I still seem to do nothing. I'm constantly compelled to check my favorite internet sites, so I spend much of my days on the computer looking at this or that. I do job search just about every day to see what's out there and I do try to read a lot. My rule is that during the day I do not watch tv on dvd, or dvd movies while Owen is at school. Mostly this is because if I didn't have this rule for myself, I'd spend the entire day lying on the couch watching movies, Sex and The City, House, or Grey's Anatomy. I've seen all the episodes of Sex and the City and House countless times, but I still love to watch them.

The last few days, though, I feel like I haven't accomplished much at the house and I feel like the days all run together without any real purpose or direction. Perhaps I need to find some higher meaning in my life. Considering I have no other "purpose" than to keep the house clean and to let our two dogs out to do their business, it would certainly seem obvoius that I need some sort of higher purpose. Too bad it took me until now to figure that out.

I've just finished reading Elizabeth Gilbert's book, "Eat, Pray, Love" and I find myself wondering more and more about spiritual journeys. Is it possible to take a spiritual journey when you a) can't leave the house and b) aren't sure where to start? I guess I'm interested in turning back towards the church, but I'm curious as to how to keep my individuality and what I believe in separate from spirituality. I'm not entirely certain that I can absolutely go back to the church without some reservations. I'm definitely interested in Meditation, so perhaps what I mean is that I'm more interested in a mix of Eastern and Western religion. But, furthermore, I'm not entirely sure that what I'm searching for IS religion. I think I'm searching for meaning more than anything else, and personally, I'm not sure religion is the way to get at what is meaningful.

Perhaps I'll sort all of this out in the next few weeks, but having it weigh down my head isn't the easiest thing to deal with.

Music of the Moment: Clarity by John Mayer (it's also a personal favorite)