Tearing me Apart

When we are alone and nobody's watching...
might take you home.

That's today's inspiration. I'm not really sure what's going on in my life right now, it's spring break and I haven't had much time to myself to be honest. Working all the time, going out when I can and doing homework, research...but there's something that just keeps getting to me. My own dirty little secret. It's one of those "What if...?:" kind of things that you just can't seem to get out of your head no matter what you do. I can tell myself it doesn't matter as much as I want to, but it's still there. There are a ton of these "What if's" running through my head but two in general that I can't let go...and those are two that I'm not sure how i'd feel if i DID let them go.

When is it enough to let go and just leave it all behind and not worry anymore? Anyone who knows me realizes that I'm not one to just let something sit on the table without something being said about it, something being analyzed, or without me worrying about it...but when is it time to just let it go and forget? There are so many instances in which i've put case closed on a file and yet, do I even know why I closed it or what lead me to believe that I was over it...but am i? No. And sadly enough, that sort of thing is what kills me. I just don't want to let the file get closed and leave it at that. That fight you had with your best friend is definatley going to bite you in the ass someday and that relationship you had 4 years go, also not gone...

Now, i'm not asking for those things back, I'm just curious as to when it's ok to just let it go and when it still needs discussing. Onej "file" in particular is bothering me...and I'm not sure why it's bothering me so much. What happened to change the status in a matter of an evening? I didn't think I'd really care if it happened or if it didn't and at first i just sort of snubbed it off as something that "just happened." However, the more i'm just sitting here thinking about it, the more it plagues me. Was it INDEED something that "JUST HAPPENED?" or Was it something that's just needed to be done for so long, to break the tension, to feel out the ground? and How can we ever really know? There are about a million questions running through my head about it and I just can't seem to come up with any of the answers. Its not my place to be like hey "we need to talk about this" but its just something thats sort of....eating away at me. I guess its just one of those things that I need worked out and not left open...

The other open "file"? Something that I'm sure will never get closed, not in my heart at least. How I loved you, am still there for you, and yet, I still just have to sit here and wait for you...and I'm not even sure that it'll ever happen again. I miss everything about being with you and yet, it doesn't seem as if you remember anything about our relationship. It was near-ideal...as you said yourself...and yet, it wasn't me that you loved. It had to be someone else. (i'm not of course trying to dish on the other person, cause i equally love her!) It's just that...well it wouldn't have mattered who the girl was, I'd still be upset in the same manner. Our relationship was what everyone seems to strive for, no fighting, an understanding, good conversation, perfect compromise, great times together...the feelings were all there...but why was it that you never told me how you felt. I was scared and It took me until it was over to tell you to your face that I love you. I agree, I've had my own bad times in relationships and you have as well...but why the hell didn't it work with us? Bad timing? That may be what you say, but why was it so bad? Just seems to me that you gave up when it was going to get hard...thats no sign of a man to me. Just because it gets difficult, let's bail out of it and save ourselves from the pain that MIGHT, yes MIGHT come later. Who knows? If we had never broken up, we could still be together...and where does that leave me? Alone, with a broken heart and a terrible "relationship" inbetween. Why wasn't it me?
That's all I want....you cared so much more for her than you did for me and it just kills me to know that. Our relationship had progressed so much farther than those "first steps" and yet, you were so infatuated with her and not me...why her and not me?