Studied in the afternoon with Bronwyn at Starbucks because god damn i needed a cup of coffee. I was up last night chatting and then rolled around in bed for a bit because I just couldn't sleep. I miss sleeping with someone next to me, that feeling of extra warmness. My bed's been so cold lately and I'm sick of all the games that men play. I'm sick of sitting around and waiting for someone to just magically appear in my life. I want that consuming, ridiculous, unexplainable type of love....
Right now, I feel so void of all that. I'm not putting myself out there to get used. You can't just keep coming around when you want something and leaving me on the back burner. Intimacy doesn't work that way. I've been so dulled lately, not feeling anything from these people and i'm sick of it. Seriously, what happened to dating? It's a nonexistent form of courtship. I feel like everyone I meet is secretly saying "hi, you're around and not busy, let's have sex!" and I'm just not that type of girl. It all started with you, and i'm seriously just sick of being pushed around like that. The only reason I ever decided to start being intimate with you in the first place is because I wanted to be with you. And why was that so hard to believe? We have great conversation, a fun time together, and you used to be one of my really good friends. i was looking for that sort of respectable love and thought that it would turn into that, but then it just fell apart. I met someone else and after Josh, everything seems to have gone downhill. Dating isn't what I thought it was anymore. It's been so long since I've really felt loved and now that I'm thinking about it, Josh, sometimes I wonder if you even ever felt close to that with me. But once things came to a crashing end with you (and not so beautifully crashed at that...), I went back to my old ways and decided love wasn't the way to go. Hermie, you filled that void for me awhile and yet, then November rolled around and I met the biggest jackass of my life. Seriously, why me? That isn't a learning experience, it was a kick in the ass. Hermie, you're comin back to bite me in the ass on the third round and I'm refusing to let myself get consumed by that. I want it all, or nothing at all...
And then there's you...I'm not sure where you fall in the middle of all this. Frankly, I don't even know why it started.
Why am I still sitting here in my lonliness?
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