This time, my paper bag

This time around, I've realized that while I've waited quite a long time, i.e. over a month since I've written my last entry, I'm essentially writing for myself. Not a problem there because, hey! I usually do! At any rate a lot has gone on lately and I'm not really here to keep you updated, just here to present some sream of conscoiusness writing that perhaps I can use later or to give some sort of interesting details...today, that's not so much.
The roads are crappy and filled with traffic, yet I know that you're driving to Minneapolis with your younger brother trying to lend a hand and that you're probably feeling just fine since you don't mind the drive. It's long, boring, and I don't think I could do that. Not now. Not with all this stuff on my mind and certainly not with my Fiona Apple CD since the song "Paper Bag" keeps singing in the background to in fact, keep me quite grounded. One of the lines says "Oh hunger hurts but I want him so bad oh, it kills me cause I know I'm a mess that he don't wanna clean up," which I know is more closely than not the frame of mind I'm in having to think about all the things that have gone wrong. I'm not sure how you feel and so perhaps I keep listening to it to try and make myself think, well, if he doesn't like me, it's ok, because I'm still a broken mirror that's lost a few peices and can't be glued back together. Something new will have to take my place
This time, something attempting to be bright and sunny isn't radiating through the outer covering and now I'm hidden under something dull. Just put a paper bag over my head and pretend it's all over....

...the wedding plans of happiness for someone you know when you're miserable and without love.
...the relationship where you live in the shadow and remain second best.
...the lonliness that only comes from being at home in an apartment that's over-priced that you know you can't afford with two cats who sometimes hate you too and no cable tv.
...the dreary, rainy, cold weather we've had the past few days.
...and the fact that despite my best efforts, I feel that the excitement, gushing, and lusty dreaming will only remain dreams.