4---ever

So, it's definatly been awhile since I've written anything for the purpose of blogging and I suppose that makes complete sense since the only time I have internet is when I'm between cities at my parent's house or when I'm at work here in Madison. I can't imagine the fact that I still haven't set up our internet, but it drives me crazy that I don't have the internet at my house.

At any rate, my life has been, needless to say exciting and busy in the last couple of weeks and especially in the past two respectively. One of my best friends has challenged our relationship to an unhealthy standpoint and I'm a bit...flustered to say the least since I thought the development would be a good one, yet...I'm not so sure either way right now. What we have is great and I'd never want to give that up; He's one of my best friends, however, on the same side of things, I adore him completely. It's a wonderful, but confusing experience that I never thought I would be having and it's turned into something I cannot predict and something I cannot control.

Since moving to my new apartment, I've begun spending more time with my best friend and the current love of my life, Jenn. She's the best friend I could hope for and one that I know I'm going to have for a lifetime because...she's the best female I know. I adore her as well and she's the core of my support group. Without her continually being there for me, my life would be a newly opened puzzle box waiting to be put back together. As much as I'd love to break down and cry about somethings, she's the one who keeps me from doing so. She puts me back together each time something rocks my soul.

I'm working on a project right now for one of my summer courses on conservation and I'm focusing on a Kenyan woman who won the Nobel Prize, as worked with numerous organizations, and is most importantly, a women's rights advocate. Luck of the draw made me pick her because she was African, but she's also a very empowering woman that I look up to coincidently enough. Her efforts have not only changed our environment, but also the way that women are seen in Kenya and for that, this project will be a memorable one.

In a few weeks I'm to go to a party. For my ex. For his 21st birthday. I'm scared shitless. But I love him as a friend and I wouldn't miss it for the world. Let's hope we don't have to go around in a circle and say something about the birthday boy...because Lord knows (if he exists...) everyone will want to know what I have to say. Perhaps I can hide in a bush during that time??? Please, please don't make me speak... This is terrifying.

Everytime I see a couple crossing the street, I wonder what my life would be like right now if I was involved with someone and quite frankly, I can't picture it. I'm busy enough as it is with my own life and trying to settle my own things much less having to worry about someone else's. Yet, at the same time, I continually worry about my best friend's lives and *try* to stay up in their affairs. I want to focus on school, my future career, my two jobs, my new apartment, my family...but it wouldn't hurt to have someone who cares for me on the side, would it? Perhaps...this is something I seriously need to think about. Is it worth it to get involved? Hell yeah if you really care about the person there shouldn't be a question in my mind...but...YOU'RE the one who placed it there. You're not nearly as busy as I am, but you've decided not to. I'm so confused...you say one thing, you mean another. You act like you want me to be your girlfriend, but you say you don't want one. We talk like we've known each other for years and as if we've been together for quite some time...yet...yet...you won't let that happen. What's the problem? Ugh....sooooooo confusing.