Long nights...

Alright, so I know what everyone who avidly reads my blog is looking for in this one...all of the gory details and well...I'm just not dishing all of it. Not my style. A lot of what this blog is about could probably have been written about numerous people i've dated so i won't specify by names, some of it is person specific and you'll be able to figure that out when you read it as well.

I'm suddenly thinking that I have unfinished business with you and I'm not realloy sure why. I'm not sure why you're on my mind right now and why I would care if we're on good terms or not for that matter. You're the first person who ever made me feel like an object, quite possibly like a consolation prize for what you thought wasn't possible, but if I was such a prize to you, you should have treated me like one in the first place...
I went through so much shit for you. I was there when you needed me and I was the one who comforted you like a friend when you broke your ankle. Phoned until all hours of the morning and brought you flowers. YOu were my first kiss the first guy I fooled around with, my first real date, and you took my virginity. I didn't want it to be this way, but you treated me so badly and it never seemed to get any better. No matter what I did, I wasn't good enough to meet your father or his side fo the family. We couldn't be together on some weekends because you were with him and that devestated me at the time. You loved me, but I wasn't good enough to meet your father...? That just doesn't make sense to me.
After all the mess of the breakup I found out from a friend that your plan was to propose that christmas and I just immediately broke down and cried. How was I supposed to take that? Things were hardly getting better between us, but you loved me and that's what you wanted. I broke your heart completely...but long afterwards you still kept on loving me...
It pains me to see that that's somehow still the case...
After that whole mess and a year later, I had my heart broken once again...this one everyone seems to know about and it pains everyone I seem to discuss it with. The reasons were so stupid and frivilous....you really only were thinking of yourself and that pains me so much because a relationship is supposed to be about compromise and work. I guess I should have been more honest about how I felt in this situation and not waited so long to tell you...i do regret that, however, that's probably the one time I was true to my word and waited long enough to know that I was truly "in love." My biggest mistake, but I guess maybe it also had a lot to do with our lack of communication. We never were very good at just talking things through...
And now I'm here. Gone through what I thought was going to go for quite a long time...and now i'm alone again. I can't say that I'm mad about being by myself after everything that happened through this one either. Everything seemed to be fine and I lost a lot of signs in the middle as well. I'm an analyzer...what can I say. You say something and I remember hearing it, twist it around into a million different scenarios and finally come up with what I really think you meant. I guess guys aren't that complex really. This one seems to just be out to spread his seed...and I don't mean figuratively ladies...

I have my own assumptions about relationships these days. It's about time that kitten was single for awhile I think...I'm all cool with being friends and dating around, nothing serious, nothing romantic, nothing more than friendly dates. See, there's a distinct difference between "dating around" and "sleeping around" and the latter is just not my style. If something presents itself, I'd be more than willing to try it out...going slow (as intended with the last one, but look at how that turned out...slow does not mean an open relationship...!!). Ladies, keep your men as friends first...or do the dating thing but gain the friendship first. If you can't talk about something with your significant other, it just doesn't mean anything and won't amount to anything (no matter how much you want it to). Ya know, I had my guard up before...and that never seems to get me anywhere. I'm not saying I'm just going to be in this frenzy of hatred for men (or boys as most of them generally are...) but what I am saying is that it's going to take me a long time to trust people as I would have before. It's not as easy as it was years ago to get involved. College men (again...can be referred to as boys...) seem to have the wrong impression of dating...trying to fill a quota almost. I for one am strong enough to stand up for that and know that it isnt the way I want my life to be. Mistakes may happen, yes, but I'm not going to be one to sit back and let it happen again. And for that matter, I'm also firey enough to not put up with that shit. I don't take shit from too many people and I'm certainly not going to put up with it from some asshole who can't keep his pants zipped.
I'm secure enough with myself to know who I am, know what I'm looking for, and know what I'm going to put up with or not. At this point, it's going to be pretty simple for me to just say "fuck it" when it isnt working. I'm not going to try to work through my bitchy moments because anyone who knows anything about me knows that I go through those spells when I just get bitchy and there's just not much you can do about them. Very few people tame me from them, thats for sure.
All in all, I feel better than I have in weeks and things really are better this way. Things happen for strange reasons and you meet certain people for a reason. I have all the freedom right now to fly.....

"she's trying to evolve, just trying to evolve"