Morning Walks

I love my morning contemplation on the way to class. It's seriously good, perhaps i should put a recorder in my brain to remember just what it was? Some mornings I remember a lot of it, like this morning's realization, and other times I know it was "fuckin good" and seem to forget. Damn.

At any rate, this morning's clarity discussion with self resulted in my own personal epiphany. I'm not going to sit around waiting for you, or thinking that you'll change your mind, or thinking you'll come around again. Why? Because, DAMNIT i'm better than that. If you're not going to pay attention to the wonderful woman you had easily within your reach, then it's your own damn fault you let it slip. We, yes WE (not to be confused with YOU as to not be selfish) were perfect. No problems, never a fight, fabulous times together. I loved how you'd beg me not to leave and I'd be hours late getting home as you'd pull me back into bed to lay with you for just 10 minutes more, which ended up being hours more because i just never wanted to leave you either. And yet, the whole thing came crashing down when your irrationality decided that hey, we're going to the SAME college, that can't work. We'd gone to separate schools for how long while I was in high school and you were in college, and yet now that we're going to the SAME school, things just can't work. You'd get upset or down when I would talk about leaving for college and the possibilities of me going to U of MN or Luther College, but when I told you I applied and got accepted to Uof Wisc-Madison, you didn't seem that excited about it. Now, it almost seems as if you had planned our departure upon my leaving for college anyway, without ever telling me that it was only secondary to you. Perhaps I'm heartbroken still and yeah, I still think you're gorgeous and one of the most influential people I've ever met in my life, but I'm also sick of thinking that things could still work.

I'm broken, a but misunderstood, and perhaps full of wishful thinking...but then again, you're probably the only REAL love I've ever felt.