Details? We went, we partied, we left. "Why are you leaving?!" "I'm not getting hit on enough!" HA.
Qdoba...FUN FUN, but not when you've had a few, at least remember to add salsa to your stupid burrito...
LACE-great to see you, I had an amazing time at lunch, i soooo miss you!!! We need to get together more often when I'm in the ville.
ELIZABETH-can't wait to see you on tuesday and I'm getting nervous about the hair!!!! Talk to you soon girl! Miss you much!
On a happier note, i overheard this girl at the library talking to her friend about how there's only 62 days until her graduation. Can you believe that?!?!?!? 62?!?!?! Only 62 more days that I'll have to deal with your shit...
Drop the Drama...it isnt worth your time to try and break me
:-)
Sunday, March 13, 2005
Friday, March 11, 2005
Attn: Avid Readers
this is a post....posted only for the people who avidly check everyday--SHANNON--and expect me to have insight into just about everything, LOL. I do my best...
Girls with UGG boots and streatch pants tucked in...usually long hair and those annoying huge ass bags hanging off of their shoulder over their North Face Jacket (usually including fur around the collar)...ladies, take it from me...ya just look stupid.
There's an entire clan of you...have you missed the memo that regardless of the fact that Paris Hilton, Pamela Anderson, and Kate Hudson all wear them, they are STILL hideous and a complete fashion disgust. Did I mention that it IS possible to remove that cell phone from your ear as well? There are people in the real world that you could probably talk to if you weren't already so into yourself... You sadden me...
Alright people...its NOT cool to walk up Bascom Hill holding hands with your significant other trying to have a meaningful conversation while i'm on my way to class...
I gotta tell ya ladies, i'm not sure what the point is of putting on all that makeup when you wear your scrubby clothes to class..if you're trying to impress someone...you're probably not. Secondly if you're at class to try to impress someone in general while you're at class...maybe you should remember that you pay thousands of dollars to go here to get an EDUCATION. On that note, DON'T TALK during MY LECTURE when I'M trying to get an education damn it. And to go off on that, don't beg the teacher not to grade certain problems of the homework because YOU didn't understand them...for crying out loud, we're not in 7th grade...get over the fact that you don't know what you're doing and should have gone in to see the professor to talk about the homework. It's your own damn fault and at this level in the game, she doesn't give a damn.
On a happier note, I'm going out tonight and totally can't wait to wear my blue pumps! (thats right bitches!!!!) Cat's gonna look HOT tonight!!!! (well...to the best of my ability, which doesn't count for much...)
Girls with UGG boots and streatch pants tucked in...usually long hair and those annoying huge ass bags hanging off of their shoulder over their North Face Jacket (usually including fur around the collar)...ladies, take it from me...ya just look stupid.
There's an entire clan of you...have you missed the memo that regardless of the fact that Paris Hilton, Pamela Anderson, and Kate Hudson all wear them, they are STILL hideous and a complete fashion disgust. Did I mention that it IS possible to remove that cell phone from your ear as well? There are people in the real world that you could probably talk to if you weren't already so into yourself... You sadden me...
Alright people...its NOT cool to walk up Bascom Hill holding hands with your significant other trying to have a meaningful conversation while i'm on my way to class...
I gotta tell ya ladies, i'm not sure what the point is of putting on all that makeup when you wear your scrubby clothes to class..if you're trying to impress someone...you're probably not. Secondly if you're at class to try to impress someone in general while you're at class...maybe you should remember that you pay thousands of dollars to go here to get an EDUCATION. On that note, DON'T TALK during MY LECTURE when I'M trying to get an education damn it. And to go off on that, don't beg the teacher not to grade certain problems of the homework because YOU didn't understand them...for crying out loud, we're not in 7th grade...get over the fact that you don't know what you're doing and should have gone in to see the professor to talk about the homework. It's your own damn fault and at this level in the game, she doesn't give a damn.
On a happier note, I'm going out tonight and totally can't wait to wear my blue pumps! (thats right bitches!!!!) Cat's gonna look HOT tonight!!!! (well...to the best of my ability, which doesn't count for much...)
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Streets of Madison
I absolutely love looking out the window in the Ogg Hall rom that I call home. Our huge ass window overlooking Gordon Commons and Johnson Street where you can see the Vilas Building, Humanities, U Square, We can see the Two Towers and the Roundhouse right from our window...gotta love that.
So I'm sitting in my room and looking out the window, noticing all of the fastpaced life around me...the people walking on the streets, the cars breezing down Johnson St. and down University Ave. The bus stopping every couple of minutes to pick up the next bunch of people. Everyone else seems to have these clear distinct paths, set out to accomplish their goals.
I'm just sorta hangin in my room, writing about life. This really is what I want to do with my life, yet I know that the chances of that are extremely unlikely. I love writing about those random little everyday occurances that seem to tweek something in your life, good or bad. Those random people that smile at you while you walk to class, the person who says hi to you in the line while you're waiting for your Latte at Starbucks, or the person who asks to sit with you for lunch...those are the kinds of things that just completely change your entire outlook on life. In a city like this, its hard to feel connected when everyone has their own set plan and they don't have the time to give you 5 minutes. We've all got our busy schedules, but its the little things like that that seem to matter. As a whole, the people around here are cold, but when you talk one on one with them, they're all just like you. Down to earth, easy-going, love good conversation.
Side note: Thanks everyone for commenting on the past few posts. You have no idea how much that means to me. I love you all...
So I'm sitting in my room and looking out the window, noticing all of the fastpaced life around me...the people walking on the streets, the cars breezing down Johnson St. and down University Ave. The bus stopping every couple of minutes to pick up the next bunch of people. Everyone else seems to have these clear distinct paths, set out to accomplish their goals.
I'm just sorta hangin in my room, writing about life. This really is what I want to do with my life, yet I know that the chances of that are extremely unlikely. I love writing about those random little everyday occurances that seem to tweek something in your life, good or bad. Those random people that smile at you while you walk to class, the person who says hi to you in the line while you're waiting for your Latte at Starbucks, or the person who asks to sit with you for lunch...those are the kinds of things that just completely change your entire outlook on life. In a city like this, its hard to feel connected when everyone has their own set plan and they don't have the time to give you 5 minutes. We've all got our busy schedules, but its the little things like that that seem to matter. As a whole, the people around here are cold, but when you talk one on one with them, they're all just like you. Down to earth, easy-going, love good conversation.
Side note: Thanks everyone for commenting on the past few posts. You have no idea how much that means to me. I love you all...
Monday, March 07, 2005
For those who mourne
Emily Kletzein
you're in a better place now hun. Far from harm and danger. Let us remember you as you once were, happy and carefree, living up life and full of suprises. May your friends not mourne your death, but rejoice for the impact you left on their lives and the friendship you gave. Rest in peace.
you're in a better place now hun. Far from harm and danger. Let us remember you as you once were, happy and carefree, living up life and full of suprises. May your friends not mourne your death, but rejoice for the impact you left on their lives and the friendship you gave. Rest in peace.
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
what was i thinking?
what on earth is going through my head? Yes, I'll look at your pictures...why didn't I suspect that there might be pictures of YOU there...
i didn't need to see that. Everything's been smooth sailing until now...i guess i didn't really need the confirmation that things are different now and that you're not around. Maybe I thought I could just be angry and mask the fact that I'm hurt. How could you possibly do that to me? How can ANYONE do that period?
Vieve...I'm not sure what I'd do without you...I've handled this whole thing really well up until now...
thanks for the advice, babe. "he's a fool not worth the time"and "fools often go for the fake chicks"
Too bad I cared about you...
i didn't need to see that. Everything's been smooth sailing until now...i guess i didn't really need the confirmation that things are different now and that you're not around. Maybe I thought I could just be angry and mask the fact that I'm hurt. How could you possibly do that to me? How can ANYONE do that period?
Vieve...I'm not sure what I'd do without you...I've handled this whole thing really well up until now...
thanks for the advice, babe. "he's a fool not worth the time"and "fools often go for the fake chicks"
Too bad I cared about you...
Today its all Random
so it's been awhile since i've written in here and seriously there is just TOO MUCH drama going on. I'm sitting around in my underwear trying to figure out where everything's gotten so astray but here's the general news short update: no word on the ipod, still waiting for my stephen grapelli cd, missing my violin, and living up the single life...sorta.
two points for honesty...? Sometimes I wonder if honesty really is the way to go. Sure, it makes things easier in the long run, but most people don't find my honesty to be all that...tactful. I seem to recieve that comment far too often for it to maybe be a good thing. Sure, you'd gain two points for honesty in a relationship, but in life, is honesty really the best quality? Nobody seems to care at all...
saw this in a profile and thought i'd add a bit of my own...
I AM: pessimistic
I WANT: to be insightful
I HAVE: amazing friends
I WISH: i was out of school
I HATE: the fact that I'm the nice one at heart that seems to care more about everyone else than they care about me
I FEAR: being alone for the rest of my life (but sometimes i think it might be easier/better that way.)
I HEAR: Follow the Light by Travis
I WONDER: what my purpose is
I REGRET: making you miserable (...sorry)
I LOVE: JENN of course!
~~DO YOU...?~~
HAVE A CRUSH: oh should i really answer that? yes...
WANT TO GET MARRIED: who knows?
WANT TO HAVE KIDS: still up in the air on that one..
THINK YOURE A HEALTH FREAK: depends on the mood
LIKE THUNDERSTORMS: of course!
BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: can't say that i do...
BELIEVE IN GOD: philosophy is fucking me over on that one...cause i'm not sure anymore. You'd think I do b/c of the tattoo...we'll see about that one.
BELIEVE THAT THERE IS A REASON FOR EVERYTHING: "...part of the secret of heaven: that each affects the other and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." from Mitch Albom's The 5 People you Meet In Heaven
--even if God doesn't exist, I still think there is a reason that certain people meet and a reason that certain things happen.
I'll know what I don't know with nothin more to gain
Will I get better or stay the same
I find I always move to slowly
Can't lift a finger, can't change my mind
I never knew till someone told me that...
If that's all you will be, you'll be a waste of time
You've dreamed a thousand dreams, none seem to stick in your mind
Two points for honesty...
two points for honesty...? Sometimes I wonder if honesty really is the way to go. Sure, it makes things easier in the long run, but most people don't find my honesty to be all that...tactful. I seem to recieve that comment far too often for it to maybe be a good thing. Sure, you'd gain two points for honesty in a relationship, but in life, is honesty really the best quality? Nobody seems to care at all...
saw this in a profile and thought i'd add a bit of my own...
I AM: pessimistic
I WANT: to be insightful
I HAVE: amazing friends
I WISH: i was out of school
I HATE: the fact that I'm the nice one at heart that seems to care more about everyone else than they care about me
I FEAR: being alone for the rest of my life (but sometimes i think it might be easier/better that way.)
I HEAR: Follow the Light by Travis
I WONDER: what my purpose is
I REGRET: making you miserable (...sorry)
I LOVE: JENN of course!
~~DO YOU...?~~
HAVE A CRUSH: oh should i really answer that? yes...
WANT TO GET MARRIED: who knows?
WANT TO HAVE KIDS: still up in the air on that one..
THINK YOURE A HEALTH FREAK: depends on the mood
LIKE THUNDERSTORMS: of course!
BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT: can't say that i do...
BELIEVE IN GOD: philosophy is fucking me over on that one...cause i'm not sure anymore. You'd think I do b/c of the tattoo...we'll see about that one.
BELIEVE THAT THERE IS A REASON FOR EVERYTHING: "...part of the secret of heaven: that each affects the other and the other affects the next, and the world is full of stories, but the stories are all one." from Mitch Albom's The 5 People you Meet In Heaven
--even if God doesn't exist, I still think there is a reason that certain people meet and a reason that certain things happen.
I'll know what I don't know with nothin more to gain
Will I get better or stay the same
I find I always move to slowly
Can't lift a finger, can't change my mind
I never knew till someone told me that...
If that's all you will be, you'll be a waste of time
You've dreamed a thousand dreams, none seem to stick in your mind
Two points for honesty...
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
Clarity
I worry, I weigh three times my body
I worry, I throw my fear around
But this morning, there's a calm I can't explain
The rock here has melted, only diamonds now remain
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
By the time I recognize this moment
This moment will be gone
But I will bend the light, pretend that it somehow lingered on
Well all I got's
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will pay no mind
When I won't and it won't cause it can't
It just can't
It's not supposed to
Is there a second in time that I looked around
Did I sail through or drop my anchor down
Is anything enough to kiss the ground
And say I'm here now and she's here now
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
So much wasted in the afternoon
So much sacred in the month of June
How bout you
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
That it won't and it won't it won't
And I will pay no mind
worry about the way the weather
And I will waste no time
Remembering our life together
That song used to be the first thing I'd listen to on my morning run and it really cleared my head-gave me some sort of new perspective on life that I'm not really sure I can explain. It's so true "by the time I recognize this moment, this moment will be gone." Everything goes so fast and we hardly even recognize the little moments in life. Walking to class and you pass that girl on her cell phone wondering what she's talking about and realizing that your own life might not be so bad when you overhear her say that she's so angry and upset. "Is anything enough to kiss the ground and say I'm here now?" is yet another line I often wonder about. Is there anything worth being so happy about in life to just it out to the world? I guess it seems, at least to me, that no matter what happens, something is going to happen to mess things up in some way or another, therefore, why really get excited about anything? "And I will wait to find, if this will last forever, and I will wait to find that it wont and it wont because it can't..." There are so many things like that in life. You can never plan anything out or have any expectations since they're more than likely just going to get ruined in the long run. Never get too attached to anything, or you'll be waiting to the inevitable-that it can't last forever.
I'm sure a lot of my feelings from this song just happen to be because of the orchestration of the piece, I love the beginning and I love the Ohhhhh in the middle and between the chorus and new verses. It definately rates up there on Cat's top 10 list. And I guess a lot of the song too just has to do with how you interpret it, it can be a very positive thing and it also can be very negative to think about. It can't happen, so why worry about it? is the best thing to take from it I suppose. Take the memories you have and store them because they won't last forever. But then there's that very pessimistic side to just be like "well it isnt going to happen, so dwell upon it."
I miss those long morning runs before school, before rehearsal, when it was still dark out and I was the only one out...so easy to clear my head before the day started and just let all my worries out of my head. Those were probably some of my best high school days I suppose. It's so nice to feel cleared of everything going on and just let out some feelings with the run. For lack of better wording, It's amazing to feel that clarified state of mind and body.
I worry, I throw my fear around
But this morning, there's a calm I can't explain
The rock here has melted, only diamonds now remain
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
By the time I recognize this moment
This moment will be gone
But I will bend the light, pretend that it somehow lingered on
Well all I got's
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will pay no mind
When I won't and it won't cause it can't
It just can't
It's not supposed to
Is there a second in time that I looked around
Did I sail through or drop my anchor down
Is anything enough to kiss the ground
And say I'm here now and she's here now
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
So much wasted in the afternoon
So much sacred in the month of June
How bout you
And I will wait to find
If this will last forever
And I will wait to find
That it won't and it won't it won't
And I will pay no mind
worry about the way the weather
And I will waste no time
Remembering our life together
That song used to be the first thing I'd listen to on my morning run and it really cleared my head-gave me some sort of new perspective on life that I'm not really sure I can explain. It's so true "by the time I recognize this moment, this moment will be gone." Everything goes so fast and we hardly even recognize the little moments in life. Walking to class and you pass that girl on her cell phone wondering what she's talking about and realizing that your own life might not be so bad when you overhear her say that she's so angry and upset. "Is anything enough to kiss the ground and say I'm here now?" is yet another line I often wonder about. Is there anything worth being so happy about in life to just it out to the world? I guess it seems, at least to me, that no matter what happens, something is going to happen to mess things up in some way or another, therefore, why really get excited about anything? "And I will wait to find, if this will last forever, and I will wait to find that it wont and it wont because it can't..." There are so many things like that in life. You can never plan anything out or have any expectations since they're more than likely just going to get ruined in the long run. Never get too attached to anything, or you'll be waiting to the inevitable-that it can't last forever.
I'm sure a lot of my feelings from this song just happen to be because of the orchestration of the piece, I love the beginning and I love the Ohhhhh in the middle and between the chorus and new verses. It definately rates up there on Cat's top 10 list. And I guess a lot of the song too just has to do with how you interpret it, it can be a very positive thing and it also can be very negative to think about. It can't happen, so why worry about it? is the best thing to take from it I suppose. Take the memories you have and store them because they won't last forever. But then there's that very pessimistic side to just be like "well it isnt going to happen, so dwell upon it."
I miss those long morning runs before school, before rehearsal, when it was still dark out and I was the only one out...so easy to clear my head before the day started and just let all my worries out of my head. Those were probably some of my best high school days I suppose. It's so nice to feel cleared of everything going on and just let out some feelings with the run. For lack of better wording, It's amazing to feel that clarified state of mind and body.
Long nights...
Alright, so I know what everyone who avidly reads my blog is looking for in this one...all of the gory details and well...I'm just not dishing all of it. Not my style. A lot of what this blog is about could probably have been written about numerous people i've dated so i won't specify by names, some of it is person specific and you'll be able to figure that out when you read it as well.
I'm suddenly thinking that I have unfinished business with you and I'm not realloy sure why. I'm not sure why you're on my mind right now and why I would care if we're on good terms or not for that matter. You're the first person who ever made me feel like an object, quite possibly like a consolation prize for what you thought wasn't possible, but if I was such a prize to you, you should have treated me like one in the first place...
I went through so much shit for you. I was there when you needed me and I was the one who comforted you like a friend when you broke your ankle. Phoned until all hours of the morning and brought you flowers. YOu were my first kiss the first guy I fooled around with, my first real date, and you took my virginity. I didn't want it to be this way, but you treated me so badly and it never seemed to get any better. No matter what I did, I wasn't good enough to meet your father or his side fo the family. We couldn't be together on some weekends because you were with him and that devestated me at the time. You loved me, but I wasn't good enough to meet your father...? That just doesn't make sense to me.
After all the mess of the breakup I found out from a friend that your plan was to propose that christmas and I just immediately broke down and cried. How was I supposed to take that? Things were hardly getting better between us, but you loved me and that's what you wanted. I broke your heart completely...but long afterwards you still kept on loving me...
It pains me to see that that's somehow still the case...
After that whole mess and a year later, I had my heart broken once again...this one everyone seems to know about and it pains everyone I seem to discuss it with. The reasons were so stupid and frivilous....you really only were thinking of yourself and that pains me so much because a relationship is supposed to be about compromise and work. I guess I should have been more honest about how I felt in this situation and not waited so long to tell you...i do regret that, however, that's probably the one time I was true to my word and waited long enough to know that I was truly "in love." My biggest mistake, but I guess maybe it also had a lot to do with our lack of communication. We never were very good at just talking things through...
And now I'm here. Gone through what I thought was going to go for quite a long time...and now i'm alone again. I can't say that I'm mad about being by myself after everything that happened through this one either. Everything seemed to be fine and I lost a lot of signs in the middle as well. I'm an analyzer...what can I say. You say something and I remember hearing it, twist it around into a million different scenarios and finally come up with what I really think you meant. I guess guys aren't that complex really. This one seems to just be out to spread his seed...and I don't mean figuratively ladies...
I have my own assumptions about relationships these days. It's about time that kitten was single for awhile I think...I'm all cool with being friends and dating around, nothing serious, nothing romantic, nothing more than friendly dates. See, there's a distinct difference between "dating around" and "sleeping around" and the latter is just not my style. If something presents itself, I'd be more than willing to try it out...going slow (as intended with the last one, but look at how that turned out...slow does not mean an open relationship...!!). Ladies, keep your men as friends first...or do the dating thing but gain the friendship first. If you can't talk about something with your significant other, it just doesn't mean anything and won't amount to anything (no matter how much you want it to). Ya know, I had my guard up before...and that never seems to get me anywhere. I'm not saying I'm just going to be in this frenzy of hatred for men (or boys as most of them generally are...) but what I am saying is that it's going to take me a long time to trust people as I would have before. It's not as easy as it was years ago to get involved. College men (again...can be referred to as boys...) seem to have the wrong impression of dating...trying to fill a quota almost. I for one am strong enough to stand up for that and know that it isnt the way I want my life to be. Mistakes may happen, yes, but I'm not going to be one to sit back and let it happen again. And for that matter, I'm also firey enough to not put up with that shit. I don't take shit from too many people and I'm certainly not going to put up with it from some asshole who can't keep his pants zipped.
I'm secure enough with myself to know who I am, know what I'm looking for, and know what I'm going to put up with or not. At this point, it's going to be pretty simple for me to just say "fuck it" when it isnt working. I'm not going to try to work through my bitchy moments because anyone who knows anything about me knows that I go through those spells when I just get bitchy and there's just not much you can do about them. Very few people tame me from them, thats for sure.
All in all, I feel better than I have in weeks and things really are better this way. Things happen for strange reasons and you meet certain people for a reason. I have all the freedom right now to fly.....
"she's trying to evolve, just trying to evolve"
I'm suddenly thinking that I have unfinished business with you and I'm not realloy sure why. I'm not sure why you're on my mind right now and why I would care if we're on good terms or not for that matter. You're the first person who ever made me feel like an object, quite possibly like a consolation prize for what you thought wasn't possible, but if I was such a prize to you, you should have treated me like one in the first place...
I went through so much shit for you. I was there when you needed me and I was the one who comforted you like a friend when you broke your ankle. Phoned until all hours of the morning and brought you flowers. YOu were my first kiss the first guy I fooled around with, my first real date, and you took my virginity. I didn't want it to be this way, but you treated me so badly and it never seemed to get any better. No matter what I did, I wasn't good enough to meet your father or his side fo the family. We couldn't be together on some weekends because you were with him and that devestated me at the time. You loved me, but I wasn't good enough to meet your father...? That just doesn't make sense to me.
After all the mess of the breakup I found out from a friend that your plan was to propose that christmas and I just immediately broke down and cried. How was I supposed to take that? Things were hardly getting better between us, but you loved me and that's what you wanted. I broke your heart completely...but long afterwards you still kept on loving me...
It pains me to see that that's somehow still the case...
After that whole mess and a year later, I had my heart broken once again...this one everyone seems to know about and it pains everyone I seem to discuss it with. The reasons were so stupid and frivilous....you really only were thinking of yourself and that pains me so much because a relationship is supposed to be about compromise and work. I guess I should have been more honest about how I felt in this situation and not waited so long to tell you...i do regret that, however, that's probably the one time I was true to my word and waited long enough to know that I was truly "in love." My biggest mistake, but I guess maybe it also had a lot to do with our lack of communication. We never were very good at just talking things through...
And now I'm here. Gone through what I thought was going to go for quite a long time...and now i'm alone again. I can't say that I'm mad about being by myself after everything that happened through this one either. Everything seemed to be fine and I lost a lot of signs in the middle as well. I'm an analyzer...what can I say. You say something and I remember hearing it, twist it around into a million different scenarios and finally come up with what I really think you meant. I guess guys aren't that complex really. This one seems to just be out to spread his seed...and I don't mean figuratively ladies...
I have my own assumptions about relationships these days. It's about time that kitten was single for awhile I think...I'm all cool with being friends and dating around, nothing serious, nothing romantic, nothing more than friendly dates. See, there's a distinct difference between "dating around" and "sleeping around" and the latter is just not my style. If something presents itself, I'd be more than willing to try it out...going slow (as intended with the last one, but look at how that turned out...slow does not mean an open relationship...!!). Ladies, keep your men as friends first...or do the dating thing but gain the friendship first. If you can't talk about something with your significant other, it just doesn't mean anything and won't amount to anything (no matter how much you want it to). Ya know, I had my guard up before...and that never seems to get me anywhere. I'm not saying I'm just going to be in this frenzy of hatred for men (or boys as most of them generally are...) but what I am saying is that it's going to take me a long time to trust people as I would have before. It's not as easy as it was years ago to get involved. College men (again...can be referred to as boys...) seem to have the wrong impression of dating...trying to fill a quota almost. I for one am strong enough to stand up for that and know that it isnt the way I want my life to be. Mistakes may happen, yes, but I'm not going to be one to sit back and let it happen again. And for that matter, I'm also firey enough to not put up with that shit. I don't take shit from too many people and I'm certainly not going to put up with it from some asshole who can't keep his pants zipped.
I'm secure enough with myself to know who I am, know what I'm looking for, and know what I'm going to put up with or not. At this point, it's going to be pretty simple for me to just say "fuck it" when it isnt working. I'm not going to try to work through my bitchy moments because anyone who knows anything about me knows that I go through those spells when I just get bitchy and there's just not much you can do about them. Very few people tame me from them, thats for sure.
All in all, I feel better than I have in weeks and things really are better this way. Things happen for strange reasons and you meet certain people for a reason. I have all the freedom right now to fly.....
"she's trying to evolve, just trying to evolve"
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
Another Day to Mope (And Rightfully So)
Well, it's getting closer and closer to Valentine's and I've gotta say, I'm just not looking forward to it. It's a stupid holiday really. Card Company Holiday. Everyone gushes over their love and thinks it is supposed to be this huge important day...call me crazy, but the stupid Valentine's stuff that's so cliche only happens at Valentine's...and I'm not sure that should really be the case. Call me crazy, but a man shouldn't make this a special evening to show that he cares. What he should be doing is taking you out on a regular basis and doing all the little cute stuff that matters consistantly. Now every woman knows that'll never happen because men are men and they get too comfortable around women after they've been with them for a certain period of time. I'm not sure exactly where that comfort zone sets in, but there's something completely awkward about it. A woman isn't going to stop being affectionate just because she's "comfortable." If anything, it's going to make her want her man even more because she's gotten to the point where she's comfortable to be with him. In a man's case, the comfortableness is just a reason for them to act like they would around their friends. The door? Forget him opening it for you. Taking your coat? Pulling out your chair? Forget that. (The latter two I've actually never experienced for myself and the former, well....that usually only happens when I have to blatantly make it obvious that they haven't done the prerequisites.) Speaking of prereq's....why is it that when men get comfortable in relationships (and i'm speaking in a general sense naturally...) they seem to forget that women enjoy all the forplay before having sex? Maybe that's supposed to be a thing of the past, but, personally, I love all the stuff that comes beforehand. That's the stuff that makes the sex intense...Ya gotta start on the right foot in order to complete the job.
On the other hand, there's something completely special about being comfortable with each other that all that little stuff doesn't seem to matter (quite as much). There's something I love about being able to sit with a man during my nastiest of hair-days, in just sweats and no makeup that makes me feel completely loved for who I am. Granted, I still love to get dressed up when I go out. It's so nice to not necessarily HAVE to look beautiful (not that I would actually look it...) in order to feel like the man is going to give you the time of day. (At least I should HOPE that's the case...)
Ladies, don't get your hopes up for Valentine's Day. It's just another day...that (in my case) will end up sucking as usual. It's all the other days of the year that matter... :-)
On the other hand, there's something completely special about being comfortable with each other that all that little stuff doesn't seem to matter (quite as much). There's something I love about being able to sit with a man during my nastiest of hair-days, in just sweats and no makeup that makes me feel completely loved for who I am. Granted, I still love to get dressed up when I go out. It's so nice to not necessarily HAVE to look beautiful (not that I would actually look it...) in order to feel like the man is going to give you the time of day. (At least I should HOPE that's the case...)
Ladies, don't get your hopes up for Valentine's Day. It's just another day...that (in my case) will end up sucking as usual. It's all the other days of the year that matter... :-)
Monday, February 07, 2005
Frou Frou
Let Go
Drink up baby down
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me too busy you're writing a tragedy
These mess-ups
You bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like
So, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
It gains the more it gives
And then advances with the form
So, honey, back for more
Can't you see that all the stuff's essential?
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later
Now you can wait
You roll your eyes
We've twenty seconds to comply
So, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's al right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
I think I may have just realized what its like to really be completely overcome with emotion...
i live for these moments...!
Drink up baby down
Are you in or are you out?
Leave your things behind
'Cause it's all going off without you
Excuse me too busy you're writing a tragedy
These mess-ups
You bubble-wrap
When you've no idea what you're like
So, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
It gains the more it gives
And then advances with the form
So, honey, back for more
Can't you see that all the stuff's essential?
Such boundless pleasure
We've no time for later
Now you can wait
You roll your eyes
We've twenty seconds to comply
So, let go
Jump in
Oh well, what you waiting for?
It's al right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
So, let go
Just get in
Oh, it's so amazing here
It's all right
'Cause there's beauty in the breakdown
I think I may have just realized what its like to really be completely overcome with emotion...
i live for these moments...!
Thursday, February 03, 2005
Can't Sleep...
Alright...so the title is self explanitory...obviously I'm still up...i have class at 11am and i'm completely awake at 3am..wtf?! The roomie's sleeping soundly...thank god. I'm missing Adam (sometimes i find it hard to sleep without the comfort of knowing he's in the bed next to me...) and i'm counting down the hours until tomorrow night...
There's nothing much new going on in Madison...I sucessfully read the newspaper this afternoon before starting some homework and had dinner with my roomie and Jeremiah. fun stuff...
Watched an episode of Sex in the City, which I of course loved, and i'm getting Anne hooked on it as well. She loves the character of Charlotte. Gotta love Sex...uh...in the city i mean....
So everybody...I'm going home this weekend...seems like no big deal right? Well, it really isnt. My parents are coming up Friday night for dinner and a concert in Humanities (call if you wanna join!) and off to janesvegas! Saturday is gonna be busy...workin it like a 9-5...dinner with the family afterwards, coffee with Lacy, then out with Airbear and Jenn...YAY! I haven't seen little "airon" in ages it seems and everytime i'm in town i'm f'n at Osco, so it'll be good to have some time with him to just chill. What will we do? ha, totally up in the air right now...but if you know anything about aaron, John will probably show up...and where there's aaron and john, there's bound to be some sketchy business goin down ;-)
Sunday's another day of work (of course the 9-5 shift...), dinner with the fam afterwards and a lovely trip back up to madison...! Can't wait! I haven't even left yet and I miss the atmosphere of Madison.
I miss Mackenzie and sleeping in my own bed...driving, and my jville friends, but Madison's great and in reference to the worlds of advertisement, "i'm lovin' it."
I realize I havent written in a few days and I suppose that's no excuse, but I was waiting for a few good posts from the last entry...so far no hope.
...and no hope on me being tired either...WTF?! I'm getting annoyed at the fact that its 3am and i'm completely awake. Maybe I should write my English paper now?! um...doubtful. After philosophy lecture tomorrow, i'm going to have a nice, healthy lunch and then off to work I go on James Bond. Who knew my English class would be focused around James Bond and espionage film? Pretty sweet, right?? The roomie's is on advertisement and my favorite person on 5's topic is comics. (sorry for the rest of you 5ers, but you just don't add up!) After a long hard day of finishing my (slightly pointless) paper for English, I'm going to Adam's to spend a lovely evening with him...and it's about damn time!!! I miss his touch and I'm missing those gorgeous hazel eyes looking back at me...
anyway (yes, i actually used the right form of the word....), my hands are beginning to numb, therefore it's time to pull out the braces yet again and hopefully they'll feel better in the morning...oh what would we be without wishful thinking?
There's nothing much new going on in Madison...I sucessfully read the newspaper this afternoon before starting some homework and had dinner with my roomie and Jeremiah. fun stuff...
Watched an episode of Sex in the City, which I of course loved, and i'm getting Anne hooked on it as well. She loves the character of Charlotte. Gotta love Sex...uh...in the city i mean....
So everybody...I'm going home this weekend...seems like no big deal right? Well, it really isnt. My parents are coming up Friday night for dinner and a concert in Humanities (call if you wanna join!) and off to janesvegas! Saturday is gonna be busy...workin it like a 9-5...dinner with the family afterwards, coffee with Lacy, then out with Airbear and Jenn...YAY! I haven't seen little "airon" in ages it seems and everytime i'm in town i'm f'n at Osco, so it'll be good to have some time with him to just chill. What will we do? ha, totally up in the air right now...but if you know anything about aaron, John will probably show up...and where there's aaron and john, there's bound to be some sketchy business goin down ;-)
Sunday's another day of work (of course the 9-5 shift...), dinner with the fam afterwards and a lovely trip back up to madison...! Can't wait! I haven't even left yet and I miss the atmosphere of Madison.
I miss Mackenzie and sleeping in my own bed...driving, and my jville friends, but Madison's great and in reference to the worlds of advertisement, "i'm lovin' it."
I realize I havent written in a few days and I suppose that's no excuse, but I was waiting for a few good posts from the last entry...so far no hope.
...and no hope on me being tired either...WTF?! I'm getting annoyed at the fact that its 3am and i'm completely awake. Maybe I should write my English paper now?! um...doubtful. After philosophy lecture tomorrow, i'm going to have a nice, healthy lunch and then off to work I go on James Bond. Who knew my English class would be focused around James Bond and espionage film? Pretty sweet, right?? The roomie's is on advertisement and my favorite person on 5's topic is comics. (sorry for the rest of you 5ers, but you just don't add up!) After a long hard day of finishing my (slightly pointless) paper for English, I'm going to Adam's to spend a lovely evening with him...and it's about damn time!!! I miss his touch and I'm missing those gorgeous hazel eyes looking back at me...
anyway (yes, i actually used the right form of the word....), my hands are beginning to numb, therefore it's time to pull out the braces yet again and hopefully they'll feel better in the morning...oh what would we be without wishful thinking?
Sunday, January 30, 2005
With You...
And in the last 24 hours, everything seems to have changed and i'm in yet another of those overanalyzing states.
Maybe I'm far too sensitive a person to ever find something real...and when I do find something real, it beautifully falls right through my fingers like the crack of an egg hitting the floor. I wish I could explain it differently, yet it seems thats the way everything has been in the past. And here I am...circling back. Tell me you won't leave just because it gets to hard...Maybe this will end up to be one of those times when i just get everything out of my head and write it down...sometimes its much easier for me to put the words out there where i stupidly believe that no one will read it...
just please, Never lie to me and tell me something you don't mean. Tell me I'm the one you want to be with and that no one else matters. Sometimes it seems that the whole thing is rediculous because in the end, I know you're leaving, but I love you and thats why I'm working at this. I can only pray that I won't get hurt ...I'm not sure I'm a strong enough woman to heal a broken heart again. Love isnt a term that should be thrown around so loosely...and I promised myself long ago that it wasn't going to come out of my mouth unless I found something special. I'm taking a chance on this...a chance on you..
please, don't tell me I should get out of this...thats the last thing I want.
i'm just as scared as you are because i don't want to lose you either...
you aren't going to
you don't have to...
Maybe I'm far too sensitive a person to ever find something real...and when I do find something real, it beautifully falls right through my fingers like the crack of an egg hitting the floor. I wish I could explain it differently, yet it seems thats the way everything has been in the past. And here I am...circling back. Tell me you won't leave just because it gets to hard...Maybe this will end up to be one of those times when i just get everything out of my head and write it down...sometimes its much easier for me to put the words out there where i stupidly believe that no one will read it...
just please, Never lie to me and tell me something you don't mean. Tell me I'm the one you want to be with and that no one else matters. Sometimes it seems that the whole thing is rediculous because in the end, I know you're leaving, but I love you and thats why I'm working at this. I can only pray that I won't get hurt ...I'm not sure I'm a strong enough woman to heal a broken heart again. Love isnt a term that should be thrown around so loosely...and I promised myself long ago that it wasn't going to come out of my mouth unless I found something special. I'm taking a chance on this...a chance on you..
please, don't tell me I should get out of this...thats the last thing I want.
i'm just as scared as you are because i don't want to lose you either...
you aren't going to
you don't have to...
Friday, January 21, 2005
I take that back
I have made a conclusion: I shouldn't post during my irrational moments...!
but also....
1. I don't need to know all the answers...yet.
2. That I think I just had a realization that I'm looking about this all pessimistically and I should just look at things for what it is...NOT try to analyze my relationships with other people and just to take it as it is.
Although, this as well is my downfall since I seem to have to analyze everything...
Help?!
In the grand scheme of things...I'm feeling a bit better about myself currently and while i still may be slightly unsure of things, i'll pass through this "uncertain phase" in a matter of hours.
but also....
1. I don't need to know all the answers...yet.
2. That I think I just had a realization that I'm looking about this all pessimistically and I should just look at things for what it is...NOT try to analyze my relationships with other people and just to take it as it is.
Although, this as well is my downfall since I seem to have to analyze everything...
Help?!
In the grand scheme of things...I'm feeling a bit better about myself currently and while i still may be slightly unsure of things, i'll pass through this "uncertain phase" in a matter of hours.
New Deep...
Today's a day just like any other and as usual I'm getting to that point where I just don't know what's real anymore. I'm so uncertain about things and I have these moments every now and again, yet everytime this happens, I immediately hate myself afterwards for acting the way I did or over-reacting, or being so damn indecisive. I hate that I act that way sometimes and it kills me to see myself doing that. Right now, it's getting to the point where I can even tell WHEN i'm over-reacting in those "uncertain times" and yet, I can't find a way to stop it or get myself out of it. There's no way for me to justify it at all and of course I'm digging myself in a ditch by acting that way. I have to say that I can't seem to figure out a way to stop myself from feeling so uncertain of these things. Is Jenn really my best friend? Well, the simple answer here, is of course she is because she has done absolutely nothing to betray my trust or for me to be mad at her. Yet, i'm sitting here questioning it like my life depends upon it. I of course love Jenn and would never want something to get in the way of our friendship, yet, i'm wondering if something could come between us and then Jenn wouldn't be my best friend anymore. That's only one example. As always, I'm questioning my place in society and my place in college? What am I doing here exactly? Right now, I'm just taking things that fill requirements and I thought would be interesting topics. Some of the credits I have are purely to figure out if i would be interested in the topics and some are just random things that I would "need" to take to graduate from the UW. But, what is my purpose here? What am I ultimately destined to do? You see...there of course is no answer to this either because I have plenty of time to figure all of this out...yet, as I've stated in an earlier blog, I want someone to just tell me and hand it on a silver platter. "This is what you're supposed to do, GO DO IT!" But while I'm so uncertain about it, I question the fact of why I'm even here in the first place. And my answer to that? Well, I really can't think of one. I need a college education in order to do something with my life and make a career or name for myself, yet, Why Wisconsin? Why not tech school? or a specialty school? Why not MMI for recording or tech school for dental assistant? Why Wisconsin over Minnesota in the first place? I of course had crappy reasons for picking my school and I'd never be one to say that out loud of course. Half of the reason was legit. of course. It's the best school I got into...so of course I'd go there....applied on a whim, got in, and look at me--here i am! The other half, however, is completely depressing. My boyfriend of the moment was transferring up here and I was going to college at the same time. It seemed like a wonderful decision in the beginning--he and I going to the same school...and now that that blew up in my face, I've circled around through much misery and a state of completeness by being with myself and now I've started something new. Something new and amazing. But, here comes my downfall yet again. Everything in the world could be just as I'd like them to be (i would say perfect here, but how cliche...and what is ever really "perfect" anyhow!?!) but getting back to the point...things are just as I would hope them to be....yet, not a thing could be going wrong, not a doubt in MY mind...but I assume there are doubts in other peoples...especially yours. But why? You've reassured me that there should be no doubts. But then why do I still feel the same??
Oh the questions of life...if I keep rambling on about this, I'm sure i'll conclude with nothing as always...so I'll leave it at that.
...done with the old me...
Oh the questions of life...if I keep rambling on about this, I'm sure i'll conclude with nothing as always...so I'll leave it at that.
...done with the old me...
Thursday, January 20, 2005
Tonight, Tonight
Ladies, hang on to the good ones...
I'm so alive with you and I'm sure you don't even realize how i feel...i'm so glad I met you and I'm so glad you're patient with me. I hate myself for those insecure moments, but you've been amazing about them, thank you. You're one of the best people I've ever met in my life and I just want you to know that...
i love you.
I'm so alive with you and I'm sure you don't even realize how i feel...i'm so glad I met you and I'm so glad you're patient with me. I hate myself for those insecure moments, but you've been amazing about them, thank you. You're one of the best people I've ever met in my life and I just want you to know that...
i love you.
Thursday, January 13, 2005
Cat's Rant
Alright...Everyone's heard me bitch about this before...(this blog is getting to be more and more about just myself and I feel shitty for doing it....) but in the event that I've already started to swing it that way, I may as well continue on for another night...
I'm so sick of being treated like a child here, it's not even funny. I wish my parents wouldn't leave me out of what's going on with my college financials but they don't seem to think its important. They didn't tell me what my loans are for, what they're paying for and what's going to be my responsibility. I can't stand that. They've chosen my life for me already it seems. The "daily" emails from mom to let me know that she misses me, can't wait to see me, and update me about the weather...I'm so damn sick of those clogging up my inbox folder. I don't need to hear about the latest stupid little news going on in the family daily. I care of course because they're my family and i love them more than anything...but Do i really need to hear about grandma's latest little episode of forgetting to take her pills (which is like a daily occurance in our family...) or about Mom's crappy day with her boss at SJV? I'm just so sick of it...call me when it's important damn it! I don't want to hear about the stupid daily shit that was the reason i got out of that shit-ass town!
I can't stand the "When are you coming home?" "will you be back for dinner?" "Were you going to ask to do that/go out tonight?" I shouldn't NEED to ask about those things...I'm 18 years old...old enough to take care of myself. I don't need my mother worrying about me and I most certainly don't feel the need to let her know that I'm "OK" after reaching my destination. I understand that she worries about me, but to this extent? I mean, i've been driving for long enough now that I know how to handle my car in the snow and in the rain, sleet, hail, or avalanche. She just needs to get over the fact that she can't always know what I'm doing at every moment. And on top of that, mostly those stupid little things aren't important. I mean...Who really cares what subjects I studied the previous night or what I did that afternoon? I'm in college for christ's sake. I went to class and read. What else do we really do?? Nothing big happens on a daily basis or on an every other day basis...what could I possibly have to talk to you about on the phone that often to keep your attention. Unless I need something or they need something, I just don't see the point in wasting the phone call. And of course I don't mean that talking to my parents is a 'waste,' I'm simply saying that so often when there isnt anything really going on is just frivilous. There's no need for any of that.
I'm so tired of being a prisoner in my own home..."where are you going" "what are you doing" "who will be there" "what time are you coming home" COLLEGE isnt like that at all. I don't expect to have 6 months of freedom to come home and have almost an entire month of being caged like a little animal...
Obviously you can tell I'm a bit frustrated... I've had a crappy night...therefore, I'm going to bed early because I just don't feel like ranting on and on about this as I think i've bored most of you quite enough...
In the meantime, I feel shitty and like I'm 12...
I'm so sick of being treated like a child here, it's not even funny. I wish my parents wouldn't leave me out of what's going on with my college financials but they don't seem to think its important. They didn't tell me what my loans are for, what they're paying for and what's going to be my responsibility. I can't stand that. They've chosen my life for me already it seems. The "daily" emails from mom to let me know that she misses me, can't wait to see me, and update me about the weather...I'm so damn sick of those clogging up my inbox folder. I don't need to hear about the latest stupid little news going on in the family daily. I care of course because they're my family and i love them more than anything...but Do i really need to hear about grandma's latest little episode of forgetting to take her pills (which is like a daily occurance in our family...) or about Mom's crappy day with her boss at SJV? I'm just so sick of it...call me when it's important damn it! I don't want to hear about the stupid daily shit that was the reason i got out of that shit-ass town!
I can't stand the "When are you coming home?" "will you be back for dinner?" "Were you going to ask to do that/go out tonight?" I shouldn't NEED to ask about those things...I'm 18 years old...old enough to take care of myself. I don't need my mother worrying about me and I most certainly don't feel the need to let her know that I'm "OK" after reaching my destination. I understand that she worries about me, but to this extent? I mean, i've been driving for long enough now that I know how to handle my car in the snow and in the rain, sleet, hail, or avalanche. She just needs to get over the fact that she can't always know what I'm doing at every moment. And on top of that, mostly those stupid little things aren't important. I mean...Who really cares what subjects I studied the previous night or what I did that afternoon? I'm in college for christ's sake. I went to class and read. What else do we really do?? Nothing big happens on a daily basis or on an every other day basis...what could I possibly have to talk to you about on the phone that often to keep your attention. Unless I need something or they need something, I just don't see the point in wasting the phone call. And of course I don't mean that talking to my parents is a 'waste,' I'm simply saying that so often when there isnt anything really going on is just frivilous. There's no need for any of that.
I'm so tired of being a prisoner in my own home..."where are you going" "what are you doing" "who will be there" "what time are you coming home" COLLEGE isnt like that at all. I don't expect to have 6 months of freedom to come home and have almost an entire month of being caged like a little animal...
Obviously you can tell I'm a bit frustrated... I've had a crappy night...therefore, I'm going to bed early because I just don't feel like ranting on and on about this as I think i've bored most of you quite enough...
In the meantime, I feel shitty and like I'm 12...
Tuesday, January 11, 2005
Feeling Sick
I know what you're all thinking...I'm not ACTUALLY sick. What I mean is that I'm tired of being in Janesville. Only a few days left...I'm ready to get back to school and away from these people and this style of life for awhile. (And only a few days left of work until the month of February!!! Plenty of time to search for something in Madison... :-) I'm sick of being away from everything I love about Madison...my roomie, the nightly routine, my friends, afternoon walks, and most of all my (almost) nightly ritual of Adam. You guessed it...I'm dying being at home, sleeping in my own bed. Nights are boring and since we both have separate lives right now :-( I'm missing you even more!
My parents treat me like a child and in a way (or two...) I really am a child. I still practically live at home (which i hate...) and I work a crap ass job just to make some extra cash. Don't get me wrong, I love my job...but it's beginning to mess with my schedule and my routine of things. Getting out of Janesville was the first thing on my list when I was a Senior in H.S. and now look at me! I'm a f'n townie...I need to find a way out of here....!
On a side note, I had a fun-filled afternoon/evening with a bunch of my friends. Stephanie called for a late lunch date, Jenn called for a late dinner date (desert for me!), and I visited the HS to spend a few extra hours there talking to Finney and catcing up with the G-Stringers. Gotta love the good ol' Monday night routine of the past 4 years of my life. It's funny how much things have changed since I was there. (Not that it was all that long ago of course...) Result of the evening: I get to job shadow Finney (aka Sarah Finn-Sommerfeld--or Finn-Summerfield if you're my dearest Wilco lovin buddy Elizabeth!) tomorrow and work with the high school solo/ensemble group as well as the middle school group at Franklin (only to see the biggest fan of the Franklin Middle School Quartet circa 5 years go...Mr. Erikson! Elizabeth--I MISS HIM TOO....all those afterschool events with him twirling around like he was in a tu-tu or giving his oh so wonderful critique.)
I've rambled enough tonight...therefore I'm all set to do one last thing: POST!
My parents treat me like a child and in a way (or two...) I really am a child. I still practically live at home (which i hate...) and I work a crap ass job just to make some extra cash. Don't get me wrong, I love my job...but it's beginning to mess with my schedule and my routine of things. Getting out of Janesville was the first thing on my list when I was a Senior in H.S. and now look at me! I'm a f'n townie...I need to find a way out of here....!
On a side note, I had a fun-filled afternoon/evening with a bunch of my friends. Stephanie called for a late lunch date, Jenn called for a late dinner date (desert for me!), and I visited the HS to spend a few extra hours there talking to Finney and catcing up with the G-Stringers. Gotta love the good ol' Monday night routine of the past 4 years of my life. It's funny how much things have changed since I was there. (Not that it was all that long ago of course...) Result of the evening: I get to job shadow Finney (aka Sarah Finn-Sommerfeld--or Finn-Summerfield if you're my dearest Wilco lovin buddy Elizabeth!) tomorrow and work with the high school solo/ensemble group as well as the middle school group at Franklin (only to see the biggest fan of the Franklin Middle School Quartet circa 5 years go...Mr. Erikson! Elizabeth--I MISS HIM TOO....all those afterschool events with him twirling around like he was in a tu-tu or giving his oh so wonderful critique.)
I've rambled enough tonight...therefore I'm all set to do one last thing: POST!
Thursday, January 06, 2005
confused...officially
You heard me...confused...officially. What the hell am I doing with my life? When I was little, I always wanted to be a nurse or a vet, a teacher or a lawyer, a musician or a writer. Now, I'm so far away from all of those things it scares me. I have literally no idea what I'm doing with my life right now. In that case, is the UW really the right place for me to be? I'm spending so much money to be there, yet I have no idea where life is going to take me and where I'm going. Everyone else seems to at least have some sort of idea and I'm left in the dark completely confused. My sister switched majors within her first semester of being at college...within WEEKS of starting college...and where am I? The School of Music doesn't think I'm good enough, yet I know if I transfered to a mediocre, small school I'd be admitted in a heartbeat. Does that mean I should settle for something less when I know I'm better than that?
I'm scared that I'm wasting my time not knowing what I want to do. I'm looking at all of the requirements for a ton of different majors and i'm completely overwhelmed. I'm a mess and I don't even know what about...Why? Did I make the wrong decision about going to the UW in the first place? I thought this was the best thing for me...but was I blinded by the other factors in my life at the time? Would I have been happily at U of M if I wasnt at the UW? and for that matter, how the hell did I get into the UW anyway?! I wasn't even a wait-listed applicant...they took me right away. What the hell were they thinking?! I'm not sure I have the analytical mind for this sort of education. I feel like the fish in the sea thats a completely blank book waiting to fill the pages. All of these other people know just what they 're doing and they're so knowledgable...I'm sitting here looking up the words they just spoke in a dictionary because I have no idea what they just said. Was I really destined to be where I am right now?
Without the random thoughts I'm so famous for, I never would have even applied to the UW. It was all a whim. It's crazy to tell everyone that story when they knew they were Badgers at birth. I've never thought myself a Badger until I started attending the school...and yet, Am I really? Maybe I was supposed to be a Gopher...? I never even did a campus visit at the UW and yet...that's where I ended up...I love the city and I've met some AMAZING people, good friends that'll probably remain good friends of mine for years to come...but is there some way that I'm not in the place that I should be? I'm just running all of these things through my head and wondering...What would have happened had I gone to U of M?
I thought trying to stay close to Janesville would keep the two of us together and that plan certainly didn't work...yet in an effort to stay close to home...some crazy weekend in Janesville on a trip to the library, I meet the most amazing guy I've ever met eyes with. And yet...I'm scared as all hell of the decision I made in the first place. Had I not gone to the UW, would I have ever met you?
That question is going to kill me for the rest of the evening I'm sure...
I'm scared that I'm wasting my time not knowing what I want to do. I'm looking at all of the requirements for a ton of different majors and i'm completely overwhelmed. I'm a mess and I don't even know what about...Why? Did I make the wrong decision about going to the UW in the first place? I thought this was the best thing for me...but was I blinded by the other factors in my life at the time? Would I have been happily at U of M if I wasnt at the UW? and for that matter, how the hell did I get into the UW anyway?! I wasn't even a wait-listed applicant...they took me right away. What the hell were they thinking?! I'm not sure I have the analytical mind for this sort of education. I feel like the fish in the sea thats a completely blank book waiting to fill the pages. All of these other people know just what they 're doing and they're so knowledgable...I'm sitting here looking up the words they just spoke in a dictionary because I have no idea what they just said. Was I really destined to be where I am right now?
Without the random thoughts I'm so famous for, I never would have even applied to the UW. It was all a whim. It's crazy to tell everyone that story when they knew they were Badgers at birth. I've never thought myself a Badger until I started attending the school...and yet, Am I really? Maybe I was supposed to be a Gopher...? I never even did a campus visit at the UW and yet...that's where I ended up...I love the city and I've met some AMAZING people, good friends that'll probably remain good friends of mine for years to come...but is there some way that I'm not in the place that I should be? I'm just running all of these things through my head and wondering...What would have happened had I gone to U of M?
I thought trying to stay close to Janesville would keep the two of us together and that plan certainly didn't work...yet in an effort to stay close to home...some crazy weekend in Janesville on a trip to the library, I meet the most amazing guy I've ever met eyes with. And yet...I'm scared as all hell of the decision I made in the first place. Had I not gone to the UW, would I have ever met you?
That question is going to kill me for the rest of the evening I'm sure...
Monday, January 03, 2005
Infatuation
your kisses
like candy
sweet to the taste
your eyes
so mysterious
yet i v want to see the world in them
The touch of your hand to mine
gentle and sweet
like rain drops falling from the sky
to hear your breathing
rhythmic and steady
everlasting and full of life
the smile on your face says it all
never wanting to let go
time seems to stop
all in the world is right
there is nthing but you and I
nothing else matters...
3.9.03
Good lord thats old...
Here's another...3.27.03
Scared of what may come, the feelings that may arise. Help me through them and comfort me as I do. I'm feeling scared from years past and of the pain it caused. Hear my words as I pray for a guiding hand. Falling into what may come and all i can think is of the pain it caused before. Wanting things to be different. Scared of revealing myself and letting you see me. Don't want to get hurt, tears may fall as I remmeber, the days of yesterday...frightened of this world, full of suffering, wanting compassion and faith. Faith, which I have found in you. Help me to take the next step--to recover. To crawl through the hole to something new and pleasant. I want to be able to feel love-to be able to hear those words, spoken to me, to bleieve in them--that they are true. Please, promise not to hurt me, unsure if i can bear the pain
of yesterday.
I'm not really sure why I'm in the mood to show everyone these...but while i'm giving you my life history, here's one more:
Michael
5.26.03
I'm agonized by you
everyday of my life
like a bad letter that keeps coming back
more and more torture is all i recieve
your wounds won't go away
damaged and irreversible
trying to stand for what i beleive in
but you keep pushing me down
we arent together
you have no control
i'm not yours anymore
the days get longer your comments hurt
i'm strong enough not to cry
they're all around me and
the room is getting smaller
especially when you're around...
i've tried all i can think of
just leave my behind
you're a parasite
living off my blood
this wounded soul cannot be fixed
unless you decide to finally realize
that i'm not yours anymore
and through these years it always seems
that you are still around
your presence-it lingers
please let it fall one day...
and maybe sometime
you'll realize what you've done
and you'll fall back and change your ways
until that day, just know
i'm not yours anymore.
like candy
sweet to the taste
your eyes
so mysterious
yet i v want to see the world in them
The touch of your hand to mine
gentle and sweet
like rain drops falling from the sky
to hear your breathing
rhythmic and steady
everlasting and full of life
the smile on your face says it all
never wanting to let go
time seems to stop
all in the world is right
there is nthing but you and I
nothing else matters...
3.9.03
Good lord thats old...
Here's another...3.27.03
Scared of what may come, the feelings that may arise. Help me through them and comfort me as I do. I'm feeling scared from years past and of the pain it caused. Hear my words as I pray for a guiding hand. Falling into what may come and all i can think is of the pain it caused before. Wanting things to be different. Scared of revealing myself and letting you see me. Don't want to get hurt, tears may fall as I remmeber, the days of yesterday...frightened of this world, full of suffering, wanting compassion and faith. Faith, which I have found in you. Help me to take the next step--to recover. To crawl through the hole to something new and pleasant. I want to be able to feel love-to be able to hear those words, spoken to me, to bleieve in them--that they are true. Please, promise not to hurt me, unsure if i can bear the pain
of yesterday.
I'm not really sure why I'm in the mood to show everyone these...but while i'm giving you my life history, here's one more:
Michael
5.26.03
I'm agonized by you
everyday of my life
like a bad letter that keeps coming back
more and more torture is all i recieve
your wounds won't go away
damaged and irreversible
trying to stand for what i beleive in
but you keep pushing me down
we arent together
you have no control
i'm not yours anymore
the days get longer your comments hurt
i'm strong enough not to cry
they're all around me and
the room is getting smaller
especially when you're around...
i've tried all i can think of
just leave my behind
you're a parasite
living off my blood
this wounded soul cannot be fixed
unless you decide to finally realize
that i'm not yours anymore
and through these years it always seems
that you are still around
your presence-it lingers
please let it fall one day...
and maybe sometime
you'll realize what you've done
and you'll fall back and change your ways
until that day, just know
i'm not yours anymore.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
