Alright...so I realize it's been fucking forever since i've written ANYTHING in my blog...and really...that's just because my life is that boring right now. I'm working like all the time and when I'm not doing that, I'm doing homework for class or hanging out with Elizabeth. Kid you not...that's pretty much all I do.
I'm seeing a guy named Tristan...more about that/him later...
Other than that, I had a good birthday...not too eventful and nothing too exciting.
I'll write soon enough to let you know my newest gripes or insights.
Questions? Hit up the email if you're fortunate enough to know the address. :-)
Sunday, June 19, 2005
Monday, May 16, 2005
The Blower's Daughter
And so it is, just like you said it would be...
So the movie starts, and beautifully ends. I think it's quite possible that the writer of this story instantaneously knew the story of my life as well. Right now, I'm sitting here, stunned, in awe of this movie. The random people we meet who hurt us so badly and ultimately end up to mean nothing. Kinda funny how that all worked out for me. Jude Law's character, Dan, meets the character played by Natalie Portman, somewhat like how I seemed to have met you. Completely random with a fling of "here's how you can find me." Then Jude Law meets Julia Roberts...and all hell breaks lose. You came and went, taking a little piece of me with you. You're destroying me...
On top of that, my wrist is completely killing me. I know I need to see a doctor and I know I need to have it checked out, but I'm scared to hear the results. I know there's something wrong, something out of place. I broke down about it earlier and I'm going to break down about it right now too. Why do I have such problems with my hands?! Years of destructive playing? What if I really was supposed to be a musician and now look at me...ruined hands. That's what keeps me from going to do the doctor. What if they're ruined? I can't give up my life and not play ever again
I'm completely falling apart...and everything's so god damn confusing. Decisions, Decisions. I'm not very good at making the right ones... You're there one minute and then you're gone...Why are you doing this to me now? It's killing me...what do you want to ask me? Why aren't you telling me...you're one of my best friends. My analytic mind is kicking me in the ass. It's quite possible that you didn't mean that, and you really did mean someone else...
but why would you say that? ugh...i'm adding up all the "signals" and I'm just thinking too much. We've done this. Twice. Why now? Why NOW am I thinking that it might be different?
I'm trying not to think back years go...but I am. I know it was the best decision I've ever made and maybe the only good one I've made...but, what if i HADN'T made that decision...let you go...that moment changed my life (and yours)...forever. I'm too young for that kind of commitment. I know I'm still too young for that, but God, I miss feeling that. God damn it, i put you through therapy. What the hell is wrong with me? What kind of concieted bitch sends someone to therapy?? But then again, what kind of man throws a woman to the floor? I know I shouldn't be trying to reason with this...but I just keep thinking "what if?"
I can't keep my mind focused on anything right now...
...can't take my mind off of you.
So the movie starts, and beautifully ends. I think it's quite possible that the writer of this story instantaneously knew the story of my life as well. Right now, I'm sitting here, stunned, in awe of this movie. The random people we meet who hurt us so badly and ultimately end up to mean nothing. Kinda funny how that all worked out for me. Jude Law's character, Dan, meets the character played by Natalie Portman, somewhat like how I seemed to have met you. Completely random with a fling of "here's how you can find me." Then Jude Law meets Julia Roberts...and all hell breaks lose. You came and went, taking a little piece of me with you. You're destroying me...
On top of that, my wrist is completely killing me. I know I need to see a doctor and I know I need to have it checked out, but I'm scared to hear the results. I know there's something wrong, something out of place. I broke down about it earlier and I'm going to break down about it right now too. Why do I have such problems with my hands?! Years of destructive playing? What if I really was supposed to be a musician and now look at me...ruined hands. That's what keeps me from going to do the doctor. What if they're ruined? I can't give up my life and not play ever again
I'm completely falling apart...and everything's so god damn confusing. Decisions, Decisions. I'm not very good at making the right ones... You're there one minute and then you're gone...Why are you doing this to me now? It's killing me...what do you want to ask me? Why aren't you telling me...you're one of my best friends. My analytic mind is kicking me in the ass. It's quite possible that you didn't mean that, and you really did mean someone else...
but why would you say that? ugh...i'm adding up all the "signals" and I'm just thinking too much. We've done this. Twice. Why now? Why NOW am I thinking that it might be different?
I'm trying not to think back years go...but I am. I know it was the best decision I've ever made and maybe the only good one I've made...but, what if i HADN'T made that decision...let you go...that moment changed my life (and yours)...forever. I'm too young for that kind of commitment. I know I'm still too young for that, but God, I miss feeling that. God damn it, i put you through therapy. What the hell is wrong with me? What kind of concieted bitch sends someone to therapy?? But then again, what kind of man throws a woman to the floor? I know I shouldn't be trying to reason with this...but I just keep thinking "what if?"
I can't keep my mind focused on anything right now...
...can't take my mind off of you.
Thursday, May 12, 2005
Sitting in Sadness
Studied in the afternoon with Bronwyn at Starbucks because god damn i needed a cup of coffee. I was up last night chatting and then rolled around in bed for a bit because I just couldn't sleep. I miss sleeping with someone next to me, that feeling of extra warmness. My bed's been so cold lately and I'm sick of all the games that men play. I'm sick of sitting around and waiting for someone to just magically appear in my life. I want that consuming, ridiculous, unexplainable type of love....
Right now, I feel so void of all that. I'm not putting myself out there to get used. You can't just keep coming around when you want something and leaving me on the back burner. Intimacy doesn't work that way. I've been so dulled lately, not feeling anything from these people and i'm sick of it. Seriously, what happened to dating? It's a nonexistent form of courtship. I feel like everyone I meet is secretly saying "hi, you're around and not busy, let's have sex!" and I'm just not that type of girl. It all started with you, and i'm seriously just sick of being pushed around like that. The only reason I ever decided to start being intimate with you in the first place is because I wanted to be with you. And why was that so hard to believe? We have great conversation, a fun time together, and you used to be one of my really good friends. i was looking for that sort of respectable love and thought that it would turn into that, but then it just fell apart. I met someone else and after Josh, everything seems to have gone downhill. Dating isn't what I thought it was anymore. It's been so long since I've really felt loved and now that I'm thinking about it, Josh, sometimes I wonder if you even ever felt close to that with me. But once things came to a crashing end with you (and not so beautifully crashed at that...), I went back to my old ways and decided love wasn't the way to go. Hermie, you filled that void for me awhile and yet, then November rolled around and I met the biggest jackass of my life. Seriously, why me? That isn't a learning experience, it was a kick in the ass. Hermie, you're comin back to bite me in the ass on the third round and I'm refusing to let myself get consumed by that. I want it all, or nothing at all...
And then there's you...I'm not sure where you fall in the middle of all this. Frankly, I don't even know why it started.
Why am I still sitting here in my lonliness?
Right now, I feel so void of all that. I'm not putting myself out there to get used. You can't just keep coming around when you want something and leaving me on the back burner. Intimacy doesn't work that way. I've been so dulled lately, not feeling anything from these people and i'm sick of it. Seriously, what happened to dating? It's a nonexistent form of courtship. I feel like everyone I meet is secretly saying "hi, you're around and not busy, let's have sex!" and I'm just not that type of girl. It all started with you, and i'm seriously just sick of being pushed around like that. The only reason I ever decided to start being intimate with you in the first place is because I wanted to be with you. And why was that so hard to believe? We have great conversation, a fun time together, and you used to be one of my really good friends. i was looking for that sort of respectable love and thought that it would turn into that, but then it just fell apart. I met someone else and after Josh, everything seems to have gone downhill. Dating isn't what I thought it was anymore. It's been so long since I've really felt loved and now that I'm thinking about it, Josh, sometimes I wonder if you even ever felt close to that with me. But once things came to a crashing end with you (and not so beautifully crashed at that...), I went back to my old ways and decided love wasn't the way to go. Hermie, you filled that void for me awhile and yet, then November rolled around and I met the biggest jackass of my life. Seriously, why me? That isn't a learning experience, it was a kick in the ass. Hermie, you're comin back to bite me in the ass on the third round and I'm refusing to let myself get consumed by that. I want it all, or nothing at all...
And then there's you...I'm not sure where you fall in the middle of all this. Frankly, I don't even know why it started.
Why am I still sitting here in my lonliness?
Monday, May 09, 2005
Such Great Heights
Tonight's my last night as a Freshman in College and I'm really just trying to take it all in. The city looks so boring from the window tonight. Not a lot of people walking around, hardly any cars on the road, and hardly any noise. The city's quiet tonight.
The sky is blue, the sun just getting ready to set where it starts to fade into different colors of reds and oranges in the middle of the sky. I can see so many of the buildings from my window that I'm going to miss being away from for those few short months back in janesville. Perfect view of the Roundhouse, Towers, and the Red Gym. The view of the Vilas Building, Humanities and Elvejehm Art, University Square, and Gordon Commons.
I'm listening to the sappy music that of will of course make me cry if I listen to it more than twice. This of course will inevitably happen. I just can't get enough of this song. The more I listen to it, the more I can just remember thinking those sorts of things in my head at one point. I'm not even sure what's going on in my head right now. I know I'm not going to have this same view ever again, and I'm really just trying to take it in. The song, I'll hear again, and I know i'll wish it was being sung to just me. I feel like I'm being robbed of all the songs that people may have written about me. I'm just having one of those moments, those real human moments, where I'm connected with nothing but myself and everything else just seems to go on as I sit and watch it, taking it all in. The trees are still, but the cars and the people on the streets move and go on with their lives. I'm just one of those trees standing there watching, having no other purpose. I'm sure you wrote a few songs about me and yet, I don't remember if you ever did. I'm sure now that most of them are about how things went wrong, how cold and angered I was. Am I inevitably just destined to act that way with everyone? The more you shut the door in my face, the more I wonder, is everything just going to continually just get worse? there was the peak of course when everything was seemingly so perfect, and yet, everything drastically went down from there. This campus is full of those who really aren't looking for what i am. What happened to those real moments, the ones where you just lie in bed discussing everything, thoughts, experiences, laughs...? Do none of these people exist? The stay at home types that like to make a romantic dinner, cuddle over a movie, and stay up all night talking. The play me a song type, listen to the lyrics, read me your poetry. Apparantly the male counterpart of me doesn't exist.
Someone around here must have some sort of emotion. Play your music for me, excite some sort of emotion in me. Right now i'm so void of it, disconnected even. and I guess that means "i'll go with nothing."
oh how I wish you knew you were singing right to me...
The sky is blue, the sun just getting ready to set where it starts to fade into different colors of reds and oranges in the middle of the sky. I can see so many of the buildings from my window that I'm going to miss being away from for those few short months back in janesville. Perfect view of the Roundhouse, Towers, and the Red Gym. The view of the Vilas Building, Humanities and Elvejehm Art, University Square, and Gordon Commons.
I'm listening to the sappy music that of will of course make me cry if I listen to it more than twice. This of course will inevitably happen. I just can't get enough of this song. The more I listen to it, the more I can just remember thinking those sorts of things in my head at one point. I'm not even sure what's going on in my head right now. I know I'm not going to have this same view ever again, and I'm really just trying to take it in. The song, I'll hear again, and I know i'll wish it was being sung to just me. I feel like I'm being robbed of all the songs that people may have written about me. I'm just having one of those moments, those real human moments, where I'm connected with nothing but myself and everything else just seems to go on as I sit and watch it, taking it all in. The trees are still, but the cars and the people on the streets move and go on with their lives. I'm just one of those trees standing there watching, having no other purpose. I'm sure you wrote a few songs about me and yet, I don't remember if you ever did. I'm sure now that most of them are about how things went wrong, how cold and angered I was. Am I inevitably just destined to act that way with everyone? The more you shut the door in my face, the more I wonder, is everything just going to continually just get worse? there was the peak of course when everything was seemingly so perfect, and yet, everything drastically went down from there. This campus is full of those who really aren't looking for what i am. What happened to those real moments, the ones where you just lie in bed discussing everything, thoughts, experiences, laughs...? Do none of these people exist? The stay at home types that like to make a romantic dinner, cuddle over a movie, and stay up all night talking. The play me a song type, listen to the lyrics, read me your poetry. Apparantly the male counterpart of me doesn't exist.
Someone around here must have some sort of emotion. Play your music for me, excite some sort of emotion in me. Right now i'm so void of it, disconnected even. and I guess that means "i'll go with nothing."
oh how I wish you knew you were singing right to me...
Sunday, May 08, 2005
Ode to the Year
Just took my first final of the semester. It was completely ridiculous. List this, this, that, two alternative ideas for this and that. Ugh....seriously, a ONE credit class should NOT be this much work.
Tomorrow's the day of hell. Philosphy final that results in 40% of my grade. Seriously, kill me. I love philosophy but anyone who makes an exam 40% of the grade is attempting to kill their students. At any rate, I'm having a study session with some friends tonight and then I'm sure I'll be up quite late consuming all of this information.
Went out for dinner with Mary Jane. God, I'm gonna miss that girl over the summer and next year. With her living in the sorority house and me living with my friends on Dayton, it's just not conducive to hanging out whenever I want like it is in the dorms. And for that matter, How am i going to live an entire summer without her?! I'll never forget our library dates, starbucks visits, and late night sessions of INTENSE SATC!!! Including my favorite episode, "aw, baby thats so sweet." (i'm still rolling on the floor laughing!)
For that matter, I'm going to miss ALL of my friends--Some of which will be living next door next year, but THANK GOD for his little mysterious ways of putting us all together. Not that I necessarily believe it was an act of God, but just that I mean it was an extreme coincidence. (oh christ, listen to me sitting here trying to justify what I'm saying!) Ladies, you're great friends and I expect to hear from you over the summer! Let the good times roll...
Tomorrow's the day of hell. Philosphy final that results in 40% of my grade. Seriously, kill me. I love philosophy but anyone who makes an exam 40% of the grade is attempting to kill their students. At any rate, I'm having a study session with some friends tonight and then I'm sure I'll be up quite late consuming all of this information.
Went out for dinner with Mary Jane. God, I'm gonna miss that girl over the summer and next year. With her living in the sorority house and me living with my friends on Dayton, it's just not conducive to hanging out whenever I want like it is in the dorms. And for that matter, How am i going to live an entire summer without her?! I'll never forget our library dates, starbucks visits, and late night sessions of INTENSE SATC!!! Including my favorite episode, "aw, baby thats so sweet." (i'm still rolling on the floor laughing!)
For that matter, I'm going to miss ALL of my friends--Some of which will be living next door next year, but THANK GOD for his little mysterious ways of putting us all together. Not that I necessarily believe it was an act of God, but just that I mean it was an extreme coincidence. (oh christ, listen to me sitting here trying to justify what I'm saying!) Ladies, you're great friends and I expect to hear from you over the summer! Let the good times roll...
Friday, April 29, 2005
Keep your Pants ZIPPED!
Hmm...it's funny how men think that women aren't smart enough to find out that fooling around between two girls really ISNT a good idea. Yesterday, I found out that a friend of mine and I had both fooled around with the same guy over the past weekend. Uh, what?! WHO DOES THAT!?!?!?! Seriously guys, why can't you just be monogomous? I've heard all the theories about reproduction and spreading your seed, but I think we've established by now that WE are not animals and are of a different nature. We can think and express thoughts, are complex beings, and posess more than the average animal. In this case, I have to say that the fact that you think you can spread your seed like animals, simply is false. Ridiculous even.
As much as I love ya, it just isnt cool that you pick the same weekend to hang out with BOTH of us when you haven't seen either of us in a really long time...and oh yea, just HAPPENED to make it a "more than friends" evening with the both of us. Seriously, if it was anyone else that you were fooling around with, i'd be furious, but the fact that it's a good friend of mine, i can SORT OF deal with, and you best be lucky for that. It'd be your balls if it wasnt...
No Man will EVER do that to me again...
and get away with it.
As much as I love ya, it just isnt cool that you pick the same weekend to hang out with BOTH of us when you haven't seen either of us in a really long time...and oh yea, just HAPPENED to make it a "more than friends" evening with the both of us. Seriously, if it was anyone else that you were fooling around with, i'd be furious, but the fact that it's a good friend of mine, i can SORT OF deal with, and you best be lucky for that. It'd be your balls if it wasnt...
No Man will EVER do that to me again...
and get away with it.
Sunday, April 24, 2005
thinkin...
I just can't get my mind off this weekend. So great. Best time I've had at home in a long time actually. Work was busy and Sunday was hell, but hey, what do you expect with 2 and a half hours of sleep? ;-) I haven't felt that intense emotion in quite some time and I must say, it's nice. I so want you.
Friday, April 22, 2005
Obsession
Yes, I've found the band of the moment: Death Cab for Cutie
I seriously adore them. The lyrics are gorgeous, the music behind it is near perfection. Musically speaking, they've interpreted their own lyrics well and exceptionally play this out through the musicality. As always, I'm very impressed with their work on the album Transatlanticism. Gorgeously done my boys.
Favorite songs? Tiny Vessels, We Looked like Giants, and The New Year.
I know I've mentioned them before...and other songs for that matter, but these are my updated current favorites. :-)
The next couple of weeks are going to be damn busy! Studying for an IMPOSSIBLE, yes thats right, IMPOSSIBLE philosophy final, writing a paper/website...uh, what?!...for my STUPID geology class, finishing up my english paper and perfecting that to my liking. The rest can wait for a little bit until I feel adequately on my feet in the above mentioned courses.
As for life? Eh, not so great. Being busy and sleep deprived really gets to me. I'm looking forward to a summer of reading, working, job searching, and hanging out with my friends. Getting ready for the apartment is seriously going to take me all summer cause I'm just that disorganized usually (ha) and moving back home for the next couple of months is going to KILL me. What the hell am I supposed to do in this town?! (trust me, i'm NOT laughing on this one...) I guess lots of nights at Starbucks with my coffee and book are going to be the ticket.
Now, I know there are some of you who are expecting me to have all the insight in the world right now, and trust me, I'm becoming one of those ants i'm writing my paper on (see Waking Life) and am a little preoccupied with myself currently. Shannon especially, I know i've been depriving you of your daily Kitten readings, but hun, I'll see you in May and what the hell are we going to talk about it I discuss all of it with you now?! My advice? Start reading up on your Philosophy because kitten definately wants to discuss it--with anyone and everyone!
I'm leaving you all with a challenge. Give me an interesting problem to solve or start thinking about in the next couple of weeks and I'll post my own thoughts soon enough. Example? "How do you feel about the existence of God? How can we "know" that he exists or doesn't? " (PS-Example does not mean ASK me that question...) Shannana--I especially hope to hear a few questions from you. Maybe I can give you some reading suggestions!!!
the fans--i love you.
I seriously adore them. The lyrics are gorgeous, the music behind it is near perfection. Musically speaking, they've interpreted their own lyrics well and exceptionally play this out through the musicality. As always, I'm very impressed with their work on the album Transatlanticism. Gorgeously done my boys.
Favorite songs? Tiny Vessels, We Looked like Giants, and The New Year.
I know I've mentioned them before...and other songs for that matter, but these are my updated current favorites. :-)
The next couple of weeks are going to be damn busy! Studying for an IMPOSSIBLE, yes thats right, IMPOSSIBLE philosophy final, writing a paper/website...uh, what?!...for my STUPID geology class, finishing up my english paper and perfecting that to my liking. The rest can wait for a little bit until I feel adequately on my feet in the above mentioned courses.
As for life? Eh, not so great. Being busy and sleep deprived really gets to me. I'm looking forward to a summer of reading, working, job searching, and hanging out with my friends. Getting ready for the apartment is seriously going to take me all summer cause I'm just that disorganized usually (ha) and moving back home for the next couple of months is going to KILL me. What the hell am I supposed to do in this town?! (trust me, i'm NOT laughing on this one...) I guess lots of nights at Starbucks with my coffee and book are going to be the ticket.
Now, I know there are some of you who are expecting me to have all the insight in the world right now, and trust me, I'm becoming one of those ants i'm writing my paper on (see Waking Life) and am a little preoccupied with myself currently. Shannon especially, I know i've been depriving you of your daily Kitten readings, but hun, I'll see you in May and what the hell are we going to talk about it I discuss all of it with you now?! My advice? Start reading up on your Philosophy because kitten definately wants to discuss it--with anyone and everyone!
I'm leaving you all with a challenge. Give me an interesting problem to solve or start thinking about in the next couple of weeks and I'll post my own thoughts soon enough. Example? "How do you feel about the existence of God? How can we "know" that he exists or doesn't? " (PS-Example does not mean ASK me that question...) Shannana--I especially hope to hear a few questions from you. Maybe I can give you some reading suggestions!!!
the fans--i love you.
in the heat
while I was in the moment, i wrote a blog about my views of place of employment. To those of you who read it and are offended, i'm quite sorry. I hardly think that of my place of employment and I think it's crap that someone who doesn't even know me has to say stuff like that. Anyone who knows me realizes that I love my work, I enjoy most of the people I work with and occassionally get angry, as anyone does with their job. At any rate, This is my retraction for the deleted blog which will not be replaced.
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
8 days..
and I'm getting closer and closer to 10...
...and the only time i've touched you is in my sleep.
Well, I've gotten one of the best compliments of all today: well anyways.... i know you're a good and honest person... and not too shabby a creative artisitic type too....
The latter of which is my favorite part! I love it when people comment on stuff like that about me :-)
Well, I don't have any good stories except maybe a little explanation to do. Saturday night--WOW was I a bit wasted. Gotta love my ladies and men for being there for me and taking care of me in my uh...time of sickness? (for lack of interesting wording...) I had a great time hanging out with my guys and sending Pete off into the Navy. (Good Luck!)
I haven't had much to say these past few days and mostly thats just because there's just nothing interesting going on. I'm trying to work on this english paper for my class as much as I can, research, research, research...and so i haven't had much time to just sit around and chill until the last few days and mostly I've been spending those sleeping or going out. Went to the terrace last night and read about Kant. Ahh...being on the terrace reminds me of...
I love going for walks at night. The city's calm and tranquil. Everything settle's down and there's nothing but you and the surroundings. It's so nice to just "be" for awhile...and it doesn't hurt to spend it with a great guy either ;-)
We've got like 2.5 weeks of classes left and then we've got finals...god damn it, i just can't wait. I'm so greatful to get out of the dorms...i've never been so sick of something before in my life but it'll shortly all be over. I hate wearing flip flops in the shower, carrying a little basket with all of my belongings in it, and I hate the fact that the people on this floor are fake pieces of bitchiness. Who are these people that I live with?! Next year we'll start off in a comfortable environment-yes, bed on the floor-and set up my lifestyle there, because right now, i just can't seem to find myself in this dorm room. It's not very conducive to my lifestyle...
Where did senior year go? The late night talks and hanging out on the apartment floor, early am walks....man I miss that apartment and all of the things that went along with it. I seriously spent more time there than at home my senior year I think...
Final note? It looks like it's going to rain tonight and i'd adore basking in the rain this evening. Lights out with only the rain to guide me. Is there any distinct possibility that that will happen? more than likely no. hmm....rain.
...and the only time i've touched you is in my sleep.
Well, I've gotten one of the best compliments of all today: well anyways.... i know you're a good and honest person... and not too shabby a creative artisitic type too....
The latter of which is my favorite part! I love it when people comment on stuff like that about me :-)
Well, I don't have any good stories except maybe a little explanation to do. Saturday night--WOW was I a bit wasted. Gotta love my ladies and men for being there for me and taking care of me in my uh...time of sickness? (for lack of interesting wording...) I had a great time hanging out with my guys and sending Pete off into the Navy. (Good Luck!)
I haven't had much to say these past few days and mostly thats just because there's just nothing interesting going on. I'm trying to work on this english paper for my class as much as I can, research, research, research...and so i haven't had much time to just sit around and chill until the last few days and mostly I've been spending those sleeping or going out. Went to the terrace last night and read about Kant. Ahh...being on the terrace reminds me of...
I love going for walks at night. The city's calm and tranquil. Everything settle's down and there's nothing but you and the surroundings. It's so nice to just "be" for awhile...and it doesn't hurt to spend it with a great guy either ;-)
We've got like 2.5 weeks of classes left and then we've got finals...god damn it, i just can't wait. I'm so greatful to get out of the dorms...i've never been so sick of something before in my life but it'll shortly all be over. I hate wearing flip flops in the shower, carrying a little basket with all of my belongings in it, and I hate the fact that the people on this floor are fake pieces of bitchiness. Who are these people that I live with?! Next year we'll start off in a comfortable environment-yes, bed on the floor-and set up my lifestyle there, because right now, i just can't seem to find myself in this dorm room. It's not very conducive to my lifestyle...
Where did senior year go? The late night talks and hanging out on the apartment floor, early am walks....man I miss that apartment and all of the things that went along with it. I seriously spent more time there than at home my senior year I think...
Final note? It looks like it's going to rain tonight and i'd adore basking in the rain this evening. Lights out with only the rain to guide me. Is there any distinct possibility that that will happen? more than likely no. hmm....rain.
Sunday, April 17, 2005
Fall 2005
english 169
comp lit 202
poli sci 104
philo 432
What am i thinking?! God only knows...(if he exists) ;-)
Happy with the schedule, relatively happy with the classes. Yay for being in college.
comp lit 202
poli sci 104
philo 432
What am i thinking?! God only knows...(if he exists) ;-)
Happy with the schedule, relatively happy with the classes. Yay for being in college.
Thursday, April 14, 2005
Travis
song of the day: Why does it always rain on me? by Travis
Listen to it. Great song, not technically what I'm feeling for the day, but great nonetheless.
Mood Music: Mayer's "Tracing"
Song on my Mind: Wilco's "reservations" or maybe because it's lines are just so true... "i've got reservations about so many things, but not about you..."
Song about me: Billy Joel's "She's always a woman to me" (epitome of my character) "She can ask for the truth but she'll never believe" "She can kill with her eyes" "She can take care of herself, she can wait if she wants, she's a head of her time" "she is frequently kind and then suddenly cruel"
Listen to it. Great song, not technically what I'm feeling for the day, but great nonetheless.
Mood Music: Mayer's "Tracing"
Song on my Mind: Wilco's "reservations" or maybe because it's lines are just so true... "i've got reservations about so many things, but not about you..."
Song about me: Billy Joel's "She's always a woman to me" (epitome of my character) "She can ask for the truth but she'll never believe" "She can kill with her eyes" "She can take care of herself, she can wait if she wants, she's a head of her time" "she is frequently kind and then suddenly cruel"
Wednesday, April 13, 2005
Between Thoughts
What happened to those moments between thoughts and between the monotony of life...? Those when you can just "be"? I wonder with our society set up the way it is these days if we even stop to wonder about life's little mysteries and little beauties. I often am guilty of this as well, but how often do we stop to look at the leaf that blows in the air as it is just "being" and revelling in the beauty around it. The crazed character in American Beauty noticed it, why doesn't everyone else? The cliche rose, the one that your now love who soon will not be gave you...the beauty you see in it, though seen by most of the world based on cultural norms...what about it is so beautiful? What sets it apart from something else so that you can call it beautiful? Why is it the rose that you look at and not the lily or iris? When those flowers sit on the table and you say they are beautiful, do you say this because you just "know" that they are beautiful? or did you really sit there, gaze at them and decide that because of its form, its structure, was it then that you noticed its beauty?
America's so busy with their daily routine that we miss the between thought moments and breaking everything down into its simplist form to view the beauty then. Something so hideously ugly or normal can have beautiful grace, form, and structure. Janie's boyfriend wasn't really all that crazy, just had better perspective than the rest of the world. Something so simple as a leaf blowing in the air on a day when it's minutes away from snowing is remarkably beautiful...
America's so busy with their daily routine that we miss the between thought moments and breaking everything down into its simplist form to view the beauty then. Something so hideously ugly or normal can have beautiful grace, form, and structure. Janie's boyfriend wasn't really all that crazy, just had better perspective than the rest of the world. Something so simple as a leaf blowing in the air on a day when it's minutes away from snowing is remarkably beautiful...
Friday, April 08, 2005
Tell me about yourself-The survey
Name:Cat
Birthday:6/11/86
Birthplace:Janesville, WI
Current Location:Madison, WI
Eye Color:blue
Hair Color: brown
Height:5' 5"
Right Handed or Left Handed:Right
Your Heritage:German/Swedish/English
The Shoes You Wore Today:black flip flops with beads
Your Weakness:wine, men with gorgeous brown eyes, shoes
Your Fears:love, but numerous others
Your Perfect Pizza: cheese and olives-black
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:pick my major (and maybe stick with it...!)
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:
LOL (anyone who talks to me online knows i type it after about everything. It's an extreme addiction
Thoughts First Waking Up:Today? Why the fuck is the alarm so fuckin loud?
Your Best Physical Feature:eyes
Your Bedtime:around 1
Your Most Missed Memory:my grandfather
Pepsi or Coke:neither bitches
MacDonalds or Burger King:yick! neither
Single or Group Dates:find me a date and i'd participate in either one
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:don't drink much tea
Chocolate or Vanilla:I like the last person's answer-swirl (ha)
Cappuccino or Coffee:coffee!!!!
Do you Smoke:occassionally
Do you Swear:incessantly
Do you Sing:you can bet your bottom dollar!
Do you Shower Daily:you bet
Have you Been in Love: love is an illusion...
Do you want to go to College:want to? i'm there baby
Do you want to get Married:there's the question of the day
Do you belive in yourself:i believe i can do anything i set my mind to
Do you get Motion Sickness:depends on what kind of motion. (HA)
Do you think you are Attractive:facebook-moderately attractive society
Are you a Health Freak: veggie! No, not really...
Do you get along with your Parents:yup.
Do you like Thunderstorms:complete turn on
Do you play an Instrument:violin, i dabble in the vocal area as well
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:damn straight! i love it when little airon turns 20...! (yes, i said TWENTY)
In the past month have you Smoked:
yup
In the past month have you been on Drugs:
i guess technically b/c of the previous 2 questions...
In the past month have you gone on a Date:nope--not terribly bitter about it either
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:yup
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:
damn...no
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:no
In the past month have you been on Stage:no
In the past month have you been Dumped:no
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:i wish
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:no
Ever been Drunk:stupid question...
Ever been called a Tease:can't remember any specific incidences, but it's fun to be one! :-)
Ever been Beaten up:no, but before i die, i WILL get into a physical fight with a woman.
Ever Shoplifted:no.
How do you want to Die:is that seriously a question?
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:a writer, an editor, a columnist
What country would you most like to Visit:England
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:hands down, brown
Favourite Hair Color:
gotta love the brown haired guys
Short or Long Hair:long enough that i can run my fingers through it
Height:personal preference for guys above 6', but that's severely superficial
Weight:tiny stature with built features.
Best Clothing Style:that's even more superficial than asking about height or weight...
Number of Drugs I have taken:3 if you want to define "drugs" as i do.
Number of CDs I own:too many i'm sure...i'm a music freak
Number of Piercings:oh christ...this could take awhile. 10 total-all visible (sorry for the guys who think i have my nipples pierced!)
Number of Tattoos:one-badass.
Number of things in my Past I Regret? how many men have i dated?...
Birthday:6/11/86
Birthplace:Janesville, WI
Current Location:Madison, WI
Eye Color:blue
Hair Color: brown
Height:5' 5"
Right Handed or Left Handed:Right
Your Heritage:German/Swedish/English
The Shoes You Wore Today:black flip flops with beads
Your Weakness:wine, men with gorgeous brown eyes, shoes
Your Fears:love, but numerous others
Your Perfect Pizza: cheese and olives-black
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year:pick my major (and maybe stick with it...!)
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger:
LOL (anyone who talks to me online knows i type it after about everything. It's an extreme addiction
Thoughts First Waking Up:Today? Why the fuck is the alarm so fuckin loud?
Your Best Physical Feature:eyes
Your Bedtime:around 1
Your Most Missed Memory:my grandfather
Pepsi or Coke:neither bitches
MacDonalds or Burger King:yick! neither
Single or Group Dates:find me a date and i'd participate in either one
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea:don't drink much tea
Chocolate or Vanilla:I like the last person's answer-swirl (ha)
Cappuccino or Coffee:coffee!!!!
Do you Smoke:occassionally
Do you Swear:incessantly
Do you Sing:you can bet your bottom dollar!
Do you Shower Daily:you bet
Have you Been in Love: love is an illusion...
Do you want to go to College:want to? i'm there baby
Do you want to get Married:there's the question of the day
Do you belive in yourself:i believe i can do anything i set my mind to
Do you get Motion Sickness:depends on what kind of motion. (HA)
Do you think you are Attractive:facebook-moderately attractive society
Are you a Health Freak: veggie! No, not really...
Do you get along with your Parents:yup.
Do you like Thunderstorms:complete turn on
Do you play an Instrument:violin, i dabble in the vocal area as well
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol:damn straight! i love it when little airon turns 20...! (yes, i said TWENTY)
In the past month have you Smoked:
yup
In the past month have you been on Drugs:
i guess technically b/c of the previous 2 questions...
In the past month have you gone on a Date:nope--not terribly bitter about it either
In the past month have you gone to a Mall:yup
In the past month have you eaten a box of Oreos:
damn...no
In the past month have you eaten Sushi:no
In the past month have you been on Stage:no
In the past month have you been Dumped:no
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping:i wish
In the past month have you Stolen Anything:no
Ever been Drunk:stupid question...
Ever been called a Tease:can't remember any specific incidences, but it's fun to be one! :-)
Ever been Beaten up:no, but before i die, i WILL get into a physical fight with a woman.
Ever Shoplifted:no.
How do you want to Die:is that seriously a question?
What do you want to be when you Grow Up:a writer, an editor, a columnist
What country would you most like to Visit:England
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color:hands down, brown
Favourite Hair Color:
gotta love the brown haired guys
Short or Long Hair:long enough that i can run my fingers through it
Height:personal preference for guys above 6', but that's severely superficial
Weight:tiny stature with built features.
Best Clothing Style:that's even more superficial than asking about height or weight...
Number of Drugs I have taken:3 if you want to define "drugs" as i do.
Number of CDs I own:too many i'm sure...i'm a music freak
Number of Piercings:oh christ...this could take awhile. 10 total-all visible (sorry for the guys who think i have my nipples pierced!)
Number of Tattoos:one-badass.
Number of things in my Past I Regret? how many men have i dated?...
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
Monday, April 04, 2005
Missy Higgins
"Preach it sista"--Thanks Shan, I'll try...
"And it's been ten days without you in my reach,
And the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.
But time has changed nothing at all - "
Strange how those things happen. Missy Higgins new song titled "10 days" has some definate great lines in it. One of those songs where you were together and now you're not. And the first few lines that I've mentioned seem to be what kind of state of mind i'm in right now. It's been so long since I've seen you and you're the last one I touched in my sleep. Are dreams more like a reality we wish we were having? or like something you wish could happen but don't think it ever will? Nagel says that we are not morally responsible for factors beyond their control. That night...i have to ask, was it out of control? I mean, the tension I guess has just been building for awhile and something seems to change when we're together. There seem to be these other factors playing in to why something we both seemingly want, potentially won't happen. Shouldn't we have Free Will? Can't I chose to do what I want? I mean, should we really be sitting here thinking about what other people care about it? Sure, we have to care to a point and i'd be devastated if i'd have to lose friends over the situation, but i also believe that if something happens, you can't necessarily be held responsible for something that both parties want to experience.
Society says that technically, this would be unacceptable of me, but maybe I'm standing out on a limb here in saying that I don't think I should have to give up my friends or be shunned for my behavior.
" 'Cos I miss your hands I miss your face.
When I get back let's disappear without a trace
So tell me, did you really think...
Oh tell me, did you really think
I had gone when you couldn't see me anymore?
When you couldn't... "
I know that what happened sort of crossed the lines with a few of my friendships, but in all reality, the person who should be the most mad at me, isn't. It's sort of a twisted version of reality that i've come to find out. Our lives seem to wrap around each others and become something that none of us planned. As time passes, the friendships I've had over the years seem to be changing and I'm drifting from some people that I didn't think I ever could.
In getting back to Missy Higgins, I think her new song (anyone know if she's had any other hits?) is well written, truthful, and heart wrenching. It's a simple enough concept, but I think the way she's conveyed the meaning hits you right in the heart in a way to get you thinking about your own past.
My own is not so bright and I've had this particular thing on my mind for quite some time, just haven't quite been sure how to state it. After dating the infamous "Adam", or should we say "dating", one can never really be sure. At any rate, after "dating" Adam, I feel so dirty about myself and have lately been sitting around wondering something that I'm not so sure how to explain without just plainly stating it. I can't say that I've been extremely hostile towards how I feel or that I've let anyone else know about it, but after knowing how many people he's been with and then relating that back to what it might say about my own character (granted I wasn't aware of the fact that he'd slept with so many others too...) many tears have been shed and i wonder...
...How could anyone want to be with me after that?
"And it's been ten days without you in my reach,
And the only time I've touched you is in my sleep.
But time has changed nothing at all - "
Strange how those things happen. Missy Higgins new song titled "10 days" has some definate great lines in it. One of those songs where you were together and now you're not. And the first few lines that I've mentioned seem to be what kind of state of mind i'm in right now. It's been so long since I've seen you and you're the last one I touched in my sleep. Are dreams more like a reality we wish we were having? or like something you wish could happen but don't think it ever will? Nagel says that we are not morally responsible for factors beyond their control. That night...i have to ask, was it out of control? I mean, the tension I guess has just been building for awhile and something seems to change when we're together. There seem to be these other factors playing in to why something we both seemingly want, potentially won't happen. Shouldn't we have Free Will? Can't I chose to do what I want? I mean, should we really be sitting here thinking about what other people care about it? Sure, we have to care to a point and i'd be devastated if i'd have to lose friends over the situation, but i also believe that if something happens, you can't necessarily be held responsible for something that both parties want to experience.
Society says that technically, this would be unacceptable of me, but maybe I'm standing out on a limb here in saying that I don't think I should have to give up my friends or be shunned for my behavior.
" 'Cos I miss your hands I miss your face.
When I get back let's disappear without a trace
So tell me, did you really think...
Oh tell me, did you really think
I had gone when you couldn't see me anymore?
When you couldn't... "
I know that what happened sort of crossed the lines with a few of my friendships, but in all reality, the person who should be the most mad at me, isn't. It's sort of a twisted version of reality that i've come to find out. Our lives seem to wrap around each others and become something that none of us planned. As time passes, the friendships I've had over the years seem to be changing and I'm drifting from some people that I didn't think I ever could.
In getting back to Missy Higgins, I think her new song (anyone know if she's had any other hits?) is well written, truthful, and heart wrenching. It's a simple enough concept, but I think the way she's conveyed the meaning hits you right in the heart in a way to get you thinking about your own past.
My own is not so bright and I've had this particular thing on my mind for quite some time, just haven't quite been sure how to state it. After dating the infamous "Adam", or should we say "dating", one can never really be sure. At any rate, after "dating" Adam, I feel so dirty about myself and have lately been sitting around wondering something that I'm not so sure how to explain without just plainly stating it. I can't say that I've been extremely hostile towards how I feel or that I've let anyone else know about it, but after knowing how many people he's been with and then relating that back to what it might say about my own character (granted I wasn't aware of the fact that he'd slept with so many others too...) many tears have been shed and i wonder...
...How could anyone want to be with me after that?
Thursday, March 31, 2005
This City Life
It's lonely here in the city on days like today. I've got amazing friends that I had an unforgettable day with, but at the end of the day, it'd be nice to come home to someone. That security of knowing that someone other than your friends cares. And in a way, its not really security at all.
It's the days of rain, my favorite of course, that I just feel like taking the time to be standing in the rain with that special person and kiss in each others arms. Forget the umbrella...
I'm not really sure why I think that's so romantic, you're both amazingly cold and soaking wet...I've never even had one of those experiences, but regardless, I know that i'd absolutely adore it.
i'm not sure why, but the rain always puts me in one of those sedated moods. I can see life being lived outside of my window as the cars pass on the street and the people walk around. It just makes me feel so alive to see the life outside being lived as I sit here, but it also makes me think too much which is always my problem. I miss the glory days of laying around with you and those nights when you'd call and make me come over...
still need some questions answered and it seems like you just want to leave it be...i don't understand it. there are just some things that don't make sense about what happened and I'm not trying to live in the past, but its been far too long since we haven't been together and I'm STILL thinking about what it would be like to be with you...even in the relationships since, it's always been there...the comparison, the doubt, the wish...
Here's the stuff you never used to know...
1. when you were asleep, i'd lie there with your hand in mine and pray because I was the luckiest girl to be with you...
you never treated me badly like the other ones had and you were caring, full of passion, and so real...
2. Also while you slept, I'd tell you how much I cared about you...said "I wish i could tell you, but it's so hard to say those words, and while i feel them, i don't understand why I just can't say them out loud to you"
3. I used to lay at home and spend nights crying because I didn't want to lose you when I went to school. I knew things were going to change and that it would be much different with us both in school, but I felt that in the end, we could discuss it and work through it together. Those nights I was upset and couldn't tell you what was wrong...thats what it was. .me worrying about our future.
4. I never believed in fate until I met y ou and realized how much of it had to be placed right in order for the two of us to meet and come together...
It's the days of rain, my favorite of course, that I just feel like taking the time to be standing in the rain with that special person and kiss in each others arms. Forget the umbrella...
I'm not really sure why I think that's so romantic, you're both amazingly cold and soaking wet...I've never even had one of those experiences, but regardless, I know that i'd absolutely adore it.
i'm not sure why, but the rain always puts me in one of those sedated moods. I can see life being lived outside of my window as the cars pass on the street and the people walk around. It just makes me feel so alive to see the life outside being lived as I sit here, but it also makes me think too much which is always my problem. I miss the glory days of laying around with you and those nights when you'd call and make me come over...
still need some questions answered and it seems like you just want to leave it be...i don't understand it. there are just some things that don't make sense about what happened and I'm not trying to live in the past, but its been far too long since we haven't been together and I'm STILL thinking about what it would be like to be with you...even in the relationships since, it's always been there...the comparison, the doubt, the wish...
Here's the stuff you never used to know...
1. when you were asleep, i'd lie there with your hand in mine and pray because I was the luckiest girl to be with you...
you never treated me badly like the other ones had and you were caring, full of passion, and so real...
2. Also while you slept, I'd tell you how much I cared about you...said "I wish i could tell you, but it's so hard to say those words, and while i feel them, i don't understand why I just can't say them out loud to you"
3. I used to lay at home and spend nights crying because I didn't want to lose you when I went to school. I knew things were going to change and that it would be much different with us both in school, but I felt that in the end, we could discuss it and work through it together. Those nights I was upset and couldn't tell you what was wrong...thats what it was. .me worrying about our future.
4. I never believed in fate until I met y ou and realized how much of it had to be placed right in order for the two of us to meet and come together...
Friday, March 25, 2005
Tearing me Apart
When we are alone and nobody's watching...
might take you home.
That's today's inspiration. I'm not really sure what's going on in my life right now, it's spring break and I haven't had much time to myself to be honest. Working all the time, going out when I can and doing homework, research...but there's something that just keeps getting to me. My own dirty little secret. It's one of those "What if...?:" kind of things that you just can't seem to get out of your head no matter what you do. I can tell myself it doesn't matter as much as I want to, but it's still there. There are a ton of these "What if's" running through my head but two in general that I can't let go...and those are two that I'm not sure how i'd feel if i DID let them go.
When is it enough to let go and just leave it all behind and not worry anymore? Anyone who knows me realizes that I'm not one to just let something sit on the table without something being said about it, something being analyzed, or without me worrying about it...but when is it time to just let it go and forget? There are so many instances in which i've put case closed on a file and yet, do I even know why I closed it or what lead me to believe that I was over it...but am i? No. And sadly enough, that sort of thing is what kills me. I just don't want to let the file get closed and leave it at that. That fight you had with your best friend is definatley going to bite you in the ass someday and that relationship you had 4 years go, also not gone...
Now, i'm not asking for those things back, I'm just curious as to when it's ok to just let it go and when it still needs discussing. Onej "file" in particular is bothering me...and I'm not sure why it's bothering me so much. What happened to change the status in a matter of an evening? I didn't think I'd really care if it happened or if it didn't and at first i just sort of snubbed it off as something that "just happened." However, the more i'm just sitting here thinking about it, the more it plagues me. Was it INDEED something that "JUST HAPPENED?" or Was it something that's just needed to be done for so long, to break the tension, to feel out the ground? and How can we ever really know? There are about a million questions running through my head about it and I just can't seem to come up with any of the answers. Its not my place to be like hey "we need to talk about this" but its just something thats sort of....eating away at me. I guess its just one of those things that I need worked out and not left open...
The other open "file"? Something that I'm sure will never get closed, not in my heart at least. How I loved you, am still there for you, and yet, I still just have to sit here and wait for you...and I'm not even sure that it'll ever happen again. I miss everything about being with you and yet, it doesn't seem as if you remember anything about our relationship. It was near-ideal...as you said yourself...and yet, it wasn't me that you loved. It had to be someone else. (i'm not of course trying to dish on the other person, cause i equally love her!) It's just that...well it wouldn't have mattered who the girl was, I'd still be upset in the same manner. Our relationship was what everyone seems to strive for, no fighting, an understanding, good conversation, perfect compromise, great times together...the feelings were all there...but why was it that you never told me how you felt. I was scared and It took me until it was over to tell you to your face that I love you. I agree, I've had my own bad times in relationships and you have as well...but why the hell didn't it work with us? Bad timing? That may be what you say, but why was it so bad? Just seems to me that you gave up when it was going to get hard...thats no sign of a man to me. Just because it gets difficult, let's bail out of it and save ourselves from the pain that MIGHT, yes MIGHT come later. Who knows? If we had never broken up, we could still be together...and where does that leave me? Alone, with a broken heart and a terrible "relationship" inbetween. Why wasn't it me?
That's all I want....you cared so much more for her than you did for me and it just kills me to know that. Our relationship had progressed so much farther than those "first steps" and yet, you were so infatuated with her and not me...why her and not me?
might take you home.
That's today's inspiration. I'm not really sure what's going on in my life right now, it's spring break and I haven't had much time to myself to be honest. Working all the time, going out when I can and doing homework, research...but there's something that just keeps getting to me. My own dirty little secret. It's one of those "What if...?:" kind of things that you just can't seem to get out of your head no matter what you do. I can tell myself it doesn't matter as much as I want to, but it's still there. There are a ton of these "What if's" running through my head but two in general that I can't let go...and those are two that I'm not sure how i'd feel if i DID let them go.
When is it enough to let go and just leave it all behind and not worry anymore? Anyone who knows me realizes that I'm not one to just let something sit on the table without something being said about it, something being analyzed, or without me worrying about it...but when is it time to just let it go and forget? There are so many instances in which i've put case closed on a file and yet, do I even know why I closed it or what lead me to believe that I was over it...but am i? No. And sadly enough, that sort of thing is what kills me. I just don't want to let the file get closed and leave it at that. That fight you had with your best friend is definatley going to bite you in the ass someday and that relationship you had 4 years go, also not gone...
Now, i'm not asking for those things back, I'm just curious as to when it's ok to just let it go and when it still needs discussing. Onej "file" in particular is bothering me...and I'm not sure why it's bothering me so much. What happened to change the status in a matter of an evening? I didn't think I'd really care if it happened or if it didn't and at first i just sort of snubbed it off as something that "just happened." However, the more i'm just sitting here thinking about it, the more it plagues me. Was it INDEED something that "JUST HAPPENED?" or Was it something that's just needed to be done for so long, to break the tension, to feel out the ground? and How can we ever really know? There are about a million questions running through my head about it and I just can't seem to come up with any of the answers. Its not my place to be like hey "we need to talk about this" but its just something thats sort of....eating away at me. I guess its just one of those things that I need worked out and not left open...
The other open "file"? Something that I'm sure will never get closed, not in my heart at least. How I loved you, am still there for you, and yet, I still just have to sit here and wait for you...and I'm not even sure that it'll ever happen again. I miss everything about being with you and yet, it doesn't seem as if you remember anything about our relationship. It was near-ideal...as you said yourself...and yet, it wasn't me that you loved. It had to be someone else. (i'm not of course trying to dish on the other person, cause i equally love her!) It's just that...well it wouldn't have mattered who the girl was, I'd still be upset in the same manner. Our relationship was what everyone seems to strive for, no fighting, an understanding, good conversation, perfect compromise, great times together...the feelings were all there...but why was it that you never told me how you felt. I was scared and It took me until it was over to tell you to your face that I love you. I agree, I've had my own bad times in relationships and you have as well...but why the hell didn't it work with us? Bad timing? That may be what you say, but why was it so bad? Just seems to me that you gave up when it was going to get hard...thats no sign of a man to me. Just because it gets difficult, let's bail out of it and save ourselves from the pain that MIGHT, yes MIGHT come later. Who knows? If we had never broken up, we could still be together...and where does that leave me? Alone, with a broken heart and a terrible "relationship" inbetween. Why wasn't it me?
That's all I want....you cared so much more for her than you did for me and it just kills me to know that. Our relationship had progressed so much farther than those "first steps" and yet, you were so infatuated with her and not me...why her and not me?
Sunday, March 20, 2005
Cutie in a Cab
Title and Registration!
If you haven't heard it yet, you're seriously missing out. If you've heard it on the radio, the coffee shop, or your friend's apartment, you're also seriously missing out if you have yet to experience the video. The features are spectacular and the video interpretation is amazing. The lyrics are perfectly written and I thoroughly enjoy the artist's indie/alternative style of writing. I adore the filming of indie/rock/alternative videos.
Both the song and the video are innovative in that way that seems to reach everyone in some sense or another, whether you enjoy the music itself is irrelevant since the video is just so intriguing to watch and the song lyrics are amazing. The techno/alternative style background definately adds to the song and gives it that little bit of something extra.
If I haven't written on this song previous, I'm not sure why I've waited so long. Changed my perspective
...The glove compartment isn't accurately named
and everybody knows it
so i'm proposing
a swift orderly change
cause behind its door
there's nothing to keep my fingers warm
and all i find are suvineers from better times
for the claim of your tail lights fading east
to find yourself a better life
I was searching for some legal documents
as the rain beat down on the hood
when i stumbled upon
pictures i tried to forget
and thats how this idea
was drilled into my head
cause its too important
to stay the way its been
but there's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
and now its gone, its like it wasnt there at all
and here i rest where disapointment and regret collide
lying awake at night....
If you haven't heard it yet, you're seriously missing out. If you've heard it on the radio, the coffee shop, or your friend's apartment, you're also seriously missing out if you have yet to experience the video. The features are spectacular and the video interpretation is amazing. The lyrics are perfectly written and I thoroughly enjoy the artist's indie/alternative style of writing. I adore the filming of indie/rock/alternative videos.
Both the song and the video are innovative in that way that seems to reach everyone in some sense or another, whether you enjoy the music itself is irrelevant since the video is just so intriguing to watch and the song lyrics are amazing. The techno/alternative style background definately adds to the song and gives it that little bit of something extra.
If I haven't written on this song previous, I'm not sure why I've waited so long. Changed my perspective
...The glove compartment isn't accurately named
and everybody knows it
so i'm proposing
a swift orderly change
cause behind its door
there's nothing to keep my fingers warm
and all i find are suvineers from better times
for the claim of your tail lights fading east
to find yourself a better life
I was searching for some legal documents
as the rain beat down on the hood
when i stumbled upon
pictures i tried to forget
and thats how this idea
was drilled into my head
cause its too important
to stay the way its been
but there's no blame for how our love did slowly fade
and now its gone, its like it wasnt there at all
and here i rest where disapointment and regret collide
lying awake at night....
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Life's little Moments
Sitting in the booth by myself for a late lunch this afternoon, I had the opportunity as always to indulge in what i respectively call "people watching." Now, hardly ever do you come across someone who doesn't enjoy this little gift of curiosity, but bear with me, as I'm not exactly sure how many people actually get affected by the things they see happening around them everday. Call me emotional, but sometimes it gets me right in the heart.
It's an afternoon like any other and there are people all around, a lot of older ladies and gentlemen, more than I'm used to seeing. Normally this wouldn't pose any problem with me or any reaction at all. Why should it? Gazing around the room, now beginning to fill with individuals wanting their little afternoon snack or late lunch, i noticed that this large group of quite possibly parents filled with a few grandparents seemed to stay longer than the rest. (This again seems fairly logical because we college kids have hardly enough time in our schedules to even find the time to eat!) This whole situation only posed a question in my mind when I noticed one of the older gentlemen, small stature, grey hair, and upon standing I noticed that the gentleman had a slight hunch in his figure. This didn't seem to bother me at first and so I went for another spoonful of my cheddar broccoli soup. When I glanced up again, I noticed the man carrying his tray, but it wasn't that that I noticed first. His walk. His slight hunch was even more profound and he had such a large limp as if only one of his legs really worked correctly and I thought, wow, how sad that this man is carrying his tray by himself and left the group to return his tray to its proper place for discarding and none of the college students seemed to notice his possible difficulty in doing so. Now, maybe he's one of those extremely optimistic people who doesn't want help with anything or doesn't want to be bothered about his current state, but it sort of hit me. This grandfather figure, whom i'm assuming was here to visit his grandchild or pick her/him up for spring break, seemed to hit me right at the core. Not for his stature or for his walk, not for the fact that he was waiting for his child, or even the possibility of the grandparent missing their grandchild. It hit me more when I realized that I don't have mine anymore. It reminds me of when my grandfather used to wait to pick me up in the morning to go to school, the talks we'd have in the morning about life and him giving me advice, the saturday morning breakfasts and the doughnuts he'd bringfor us all to share together, how he'd smell of old spice and halls cough drops, how excited every one of our dogs was when he would arrive. For that matter, the excitement I used to have when he would arrive...
My grandfather was the most amazing person i've ever met. He's guided my life into what it is today and sometimes, I can still feel him watching over me or know that he's taking care of me. The collage of pictures of my grandfather sits by my bed and i'm noticing more and more, that I forget it's there. Am I starting to forget him too? Up until now, it's been weeks since it's bothered me that he's gone...but now that I'm seeing all these other things and starting to figure out my life, he seems to be farther and farther away from me. Do I not need his help anymore? Am I drifting from my role model?
That can't possibly be since he's shaped my whole perspective on life. My whole outlook on relationships and what they should strive to be-friendship or romantic. He was the kind of guy that would have taken me to prom if I didn't have a date, the kind to buy flowers just because (eventhough he'd make it clear that they were economically frivilous).
I miss sitting in his van in the morning, waiting until I was ready to head off to school, listening to WCLO radio and grandpa going down his list of what he was going to do for the day and what had to be done at each place. He was always so good with words...
It's funny how my whole perspective has changed in just another of life's little moments.
It's an afternoon like any other and there are people all around, a lot of older ladies and gentlemen, more than I'm used to seeing. Normally this wouldn't pose any problem with me or any reaction at all. Why should it? Gazing around the room, now beginning to fill with individuals wanting their little afternoon snack or late lunch, i noticed that this large group of quite possibly parents filled with a few grandparents seemed to stay longer than the rest. (This again seems fairly logical because we college kids have hardly enough time in our schedules to even find the time to eat!) This whole situation only posed a question in my mind when I noticed one of the older gentlemen, small stature, grey hair, and upon standing I noticed that the gentleman had a slight hunch in his figure. This didn't seem to bother me at first and so I went for another spoonful of my cheddar broccoli soup. When I glanced up again, I noticed the man carrying his tray, but it wasn't that that I noticed first. His walk. His slight hunch was even more profound and he had such a large limp as if only one of his legs really worked correctly and I thought, wow, how sad that this man is carrying his tray by himself and left the group to return his tray to its proper place for discarding and none of the college students seemed to notice his possible difficulty in doing so. Now, maybe he's one of those extremely optimistic people who doesn't want help with anything or doesn't want to be bothered about his current state, but it sort of hit me. This grandfather figure, whom i'm assuming was here to visit his grandchild or pick her/him up for spring break, seemed to hit me right at the core. Not for his stature or for his walk, not for the fact that he was waiting for his child, or even the possibility of the grandparent missing their grandchild. It hit me more when I realized that I don't have mine anymore. It reminds me of when my grandfather used to wait to pick me up in the morning to go to school, the talks we'd have in the morning about life and him giving me advice, the saturday morning breakfasts and the doughnuts he'd bringfor us all to share together, how he'd smell of old spice and halls cough drops, how excited every one of our dogs was when he would arrive. For that matter, the excitement I used to have when he would arrive...
My grandfather was the most amazing person i've ever met. He's guided my life into what it is today and sometimes, I can still feel him watching over me or know that he's taking care of me. The collage of pictures of my grandfather sits by my bed and i'm noticing more and more, that I forget it's there. Am I starting to forget him too? Up until now, it's been weeks since it's bothered me that he's gone...but now that I'm seeing all these other things and starting to figure out my life, he seems to be farther and farther away from me. Do I not need his help anymore? Am I drifting from my role model?
That can't possibly be since he's shaped my whole perspective on life. My whole outlook on relationships and what they should strive to be-friendship or romantic. He was the kind of guy that would have taken me to prom if I didn't have a date, the kind to buy flowers just because (eventhough he'd make it clear that they were economically frivilous).
I miss sitting in his van in the morning, waiting until I was ready to head off to school, listening to WCLO radio and grandpa going down his list of what he was going to do for the day and what had to be done at each place. He was always so good with words...
It's funny how my whole perspective has changed in just another of life's little moments.
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