A little "getting to know you" activity...

I've had people call me a lot of things before. Mostly, these people don't know me, never get a clear picture of who I am, or read into me very little. Their conception of me, is simply a disaster. I lay my heart on my sleeve for the few people I actually trust enough to let into my crazy life. Some of my very best friends have yet to really "get" me. Mostly, I put up a good front, but occasionally, occasionally everything hangs out for the world to see. I feel vulnerable, I feel untamed, I feel....not myself at all. I don't know how to handle myself sometimes when the emotion floods out from every pore. It makes me feel like I know very little about myself in these situations, and then I remember that I'm a constantly evolving being who will change. I don't have everything figured out yet. I will continue to evolve into something I don't understand and will spend a lifetime trying to understand that.

In the meantime, this I know for sure (right now)....

I AM.....

..a music lover
..a rocker
..a skeptic
..a non-conformist
..dark
..emotional
..life-long learner
..thinker
..a night owl
..well versed in literature
..a writer

and...

..most of all...

..severely independent.

Take it, or leave it.

Really? This is me...

Unfortunately, you seem to have caught me in an off moment...or really, perhaps this is myself. I haven't decided yet what's real and what's caught in a moment.
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There is a moment...a single moment when I can't even feel anymore.
I'm breathless, unable to speak, unable to speak, unable to think.
There is no moment like this, where I completely feel like I can't remember anything.
I can't remember any of it...and I revel in moments often.
Clouded, fuzzy, whatever you want to call it.

There's almost nothing about those moments that I remember because I'm so drunkenly lost in the moment. Breathless. Mindless. Lost.

There are very few moments in life where I'm completely and utterly lost. These are ones I'll keep forever. Revelling in the fact that I cannot explain it.

Battle Studies...Yup, sounds like my head.

My head is running 5 miles in front of the rest of me today...and I'm struggling just to keep up.
I have too many things to try and sort through today. And my head will literally destroy me if I let it.
::sigh::

Untitled and Unfinished...

Working from here:

Electricity running from tip to toe.
Butterflies dance with dizzying speed.
Eyes searching for the moment--Breathless single moment.
The clock holds the time.

---------------------------------------------------------
If I could only write like this...

"Your eyes tell the stories of a day you wish you could
Recall the moments that once have
Retract the footsteps that brought us to this favor
I wouldn't ask this of you"

I find such beauty and comfort in the words written by others, but constantly feel like my stuff isn't up to par. ;/

Today, my head is here:

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin' for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

woah woaaah.

Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin' at all
It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

I just need you now

Ooo, baby, I need you now

Everyone who knows me realizes I'm not a country music fan. Lady Antebellum is, by my standards just that, even if other people want to categorize it differently. All the same, I'm a lyric freak, and musically, this one hit me really hard. Lyrically, my heart stopped.

155th Post.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6cN1w2_i6A&feature=fvst

Check it.

This is one that hits me hard. For once, it's not about lyrics. This is rare, I realize, but the guitar and I have conversation every time I hear this. It's electrifying. All 6:00 minutes have somehow entered into my bloodstream and run through my body and I'm suddenly in a different state of existence like nothing i've ever experienced. I swear there are times I can feel the music pulsating through my body. There's the feeling where music moves you, and then there's the time when the music is inside you. This, is the latter. I feel this way with few songs, and it doesn't happen every time. It's sporadic-in the worst way possible. It's a complete out of body experience where I feel only the music in the deepest meditative state. It's better than goosebumps from the music. It's a high I will not give up.

Music lovers beware, I have a very intimate connection with my tunes.

Things I'm doing for myself....

1. a LOT of music therapy. It always seems to get me through the worst of moments...
2. I have high hopes of writing for myself these days. WRITE, WRITE, WRITE.
3. Crafting. The knitting I've been doing lately is simple, yes, but therapeutic for me.
4. Yoga. I'm trying to make this a daily routine, though I haven't made it a habit just yet. Yoga and running will hopefully clear some of this also.
5. Meditation and reflective thought. And lots of it.


I need some time to get out of this slump, and unfortunately, I think it's going to take awhile.

A Quote to leave you with...

"Don't live your life for anyone else. In the end all that matters is your own happiness."

I like this. Why? It makes perfect sense. In the end, there's only me. I have friends, family, a fiance, but at the end of the day, all that matters is that I'm happy. I have a terrible habit of trying to make everyone else happy before I make myself happy. Instead, I end up resenting the fact that I can't do my own things, or that I'm so focused on others that I forget about myself. Needless to say, the little time I do get by myself, I really cherish. And yet, there are other times when I'm so pissed off and angry with the world and everyone else that I don't even want to be with myself.

That, my lovelies, needs to change. I'm tired of standing up for other people and trying to just do the "nice" thing. I do feel like I used to be a lot more "myself" since I would just say what was on my mind and be done with it. Now, there are all these other things clouding the way I really am and I'm turning into something I don't really understand. I know there's a time and place for etiquette and when it's appropriate to say certain things and when it isn't (like at a fundraiser or benefit versus out to dinner with friends), but how do you not lose yourself in this situation?

Really, I just want to be me instead of the person behind someone else. I'm stronger than that. Right now, I feel like I'm living my life for someone else...and I want my own life back. No more sidelines, no more waiting. I will live my own life in search of personal happiness.

A little less "we can" and a little more "I can!"

If only...

"I want real human moments. I want to see you. I want you to see me. I don't want to give that up." --Waking Life

If only there were words to spell out the look on my face. Sometimes a look is all it takes and no words are needed. I'm running and running, with no direction, only hoping to find a way. I believe in the power of words, wholeheartedly. But, there is nothing like the way a piece of beautiful music leaves you. The notes slip into my body and take over everything and I have no control.


For those few moments, I am alive.

What If I could write you...

I have all of these things running through my head and none of them make sense. I've written about 4 entries at this point and all of them have gotten scrapped. It's going to be a very long, sleepless night.

There will be coffee in the morning. Lots of coffee.

3/26/10...

Idealistic, though I may be
I will fall along the way--
and must learn how the falls
make me work harder to gain the things I want.

Dreaming for things to come,
wishing it would find its way.

--------------------------
I swear I wrote a poem at one time called "Dreaming, Wishing, Hoping..." I'll have to find that. Maybe it's a beginning of something big since I may (or may not be) having dejavu. :/

I'll never sing of love, if it does not exist...

I've listened to this song a few times...but of course now, while I'm at the coffee shop trying to do work, I listen to it and almost have a private showing of the ugly cry. Seriously. I'm holding back tears in the corner, where thankfully, no one can see me. There are few songs these days where I feel like I'll cry at the drop of a hat. I'm so far from my emotional side that it seriously scares me most days.

I used to be overly emotional about everything, and most people would probably still agree that I am overly emotional. However, from the former emotional-aholic, I can tell you that I cry nowhere near as much as I used to, and I find myself less and less moved by things. The thing that has filled its place? Jaded.

What the hell happened to me?

There's another Paramore song that has lyrics that go something like this:

You look like i did
You resist me just like this
You can't tell me to heal
And it hurts remembering how it felt to shut down

You can't be too careful anymore
When all that is waiting for you
Won't come any closer
You've got to reach a little more

Now, of course this is taken out of context of the whole picture, but it hurts to remember how it felt to shut down since it seems like I can't do it anymore. I can't block out the rest of the world like I used to, and it doesn't make any sense. This song, is one of my newest addictions, and if I could be a rocker like Hayley Williams, I totally would.

Here's the song that set me off this morning:
The Only Exception by Paramore.

When I was younger
I saw my daddy cry
And curse at the wind
He broke his own heart
And I watched
As he tried to reassemble it

And my momma swore that
She would never let herself forget
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love
If it does not exist

But darling,
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

Maybe I know, somewhere
Deep in my soul
That love never lasts
And we've got to find other ways
To make it alone
Keep a straight face

And I've always lived like this
Keeping a comfortable, distance
And up until now
Paramore The Only Exception lyrics found on http://www.directlyrics.com.com/paramore-the-only-exception-lyrics.html
I had sworn to myself that I'm
Content with loneliness

Because none of it was ever worth the risk

Well, You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

I've got a tight grip on reality
But I can't
Let go of what's in front of me here
I know you're leaving
In the morning, when you wake up
Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream

Ohh---

You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception
You, are, the only exception

And I'm on my way to believing
Oh, And I'm on my way to believing

I really need to fall down the rabbit whole for a little while and experience some fantasy instead of all of the harsh realities of life. I feel like I need to get lost in a great novel about now...and not come out for awhile.

Vampy Sun-Hater

The last few days have been lovely here, but I can't stand all the sunlight. Now, I'm not saying I don't like it to be warm, or that I don't like it to be bright outside, but does it have to shine right the fuck in my face? No, no, it doesn't. What I mean to say is that I'm a night owl. I prefer to be up longer in the night time hours and I'm never fully awake until after noon. I can't handle all of the sunlight. It's hard to find sunglasses that fit over my glasses and I'm not wearing those fucking clip on ones. Now, you're probably asking why I'm not putting in my contacts...well, that quite frankly takes too long and I don't wake up with enough time to do that in the morning. I literally give myself just enough time to shower, get dressed, and hopefully run out the door with everything that I needed. This is where my obsessive planning comes in handy. If i lay out everything the night before (i.e. my stuff, not my clothes...) then I've got things at least in the same spot so I can just grab it all and go.

My lack of planning as of recent has been getting on my nerves. I've effectively taken about 4 days off from doing ANYTHING. I've gone to work, sure, but I haven't cleaned, I haven't done school work, and I haven't really gotten any reading done. What does that mean? I've been a freaking bum on the couch watching tv and movies. The things that I did actually do weren't absolutely necessary, but they're finished, right? Well, I guess that's something.

I've been in a rather awkward mood since the last post and I still feel that way. I think it just hit too close to home and I'm trying to come to terms with it. But, that doesn't mean I'm not still freaked out. Oh, decisions, decisions. I'm just not good at getting over things I guess...

Late Nights

Have you ever had one of those eerie experiences where you feel like someone else knew exactly what you were thinking, but documented it decades earlier in a novel you randomly chose to pick up? Perhaps I read too much, or it's bound to happen, or one of those bullshit sayings where people try to get around saying that fate doesn't exist. But what if I believe in fate?

There are certain things that happen in our lives that we can't, even as rational human beings, explain. So what do we do then? Cut and paste the moments back together to form a single storyline. Something that makes sense has to come out of this whole experience, right? I mean, it can't be coincidence that the story fits... It's definitely a sign, but a sign of what? A sign that someone else knows what I'm going through, that someone else had these thoughts too, that someone else knew this would happen to me? It's like reverse dejavu or something. But, how can you have dejavu for something that happened to someone else? Isn't it supposed to be about your own experiences?

I'm trying to piece this story back together in a way that doesn't make it seem completely creepy that part of the story fits so closely to the inner workings of my mind that I wanted to throw the book across the room and give up. I no longer want to read about my own crazed head, but I read to get lost in the character's minds. When it hits close to home, however, it seems harder and harder to pick up the book and finish. Beautiful writing, though it may be, the book is staring me in the face wanting me to pick it up again and finish. I'm more than half way through...past the point of no return. But, when the story seems to weave into your own life, doesn't it become too damn creepy to continue?

I'm sure I'll continue on with the book...but at least for now, it'll have to sit on the desk staring me in the face, laughing at my fears.

Grief

Well, I just found out that J.D. Salinger passed away yesterday. A mere weeks after finishing The Catcher in the Rye, and now I find out that he's gone. Such a wonderful story, such a beautiful character....so true to real life. Is it possible to feel so much grief for someone you've never met before? Or for the absolute death of your favorite literary character? This marks the death of his story. Holden Caulfield will certainly not be in another Salinger work. I feel so beside myself that I'm almost willing to cry over the devastation, but I'm at odds with the reason for feeling that way. Really, it's just a story afterall.

I still haven't gotten out of my Kings of Leon phase...and I probably won't for quite some time. That's the music on right now and I still haven't really gotten into the grove of one of the albums yet.

Etched on my heart, stained my soul
Moments never fleeting.
Songs from the moment,
Visions burst into sight
Goosebumps over my skin take me back.

The scent in the air, feeling the moment.
Encompassed in its cocoon, comfort in the warmth.
Blood spills from the wound, etched forever strong.


...still working on that one.

Arizona

Ok, so the song "Arizona" by Kings of Leon has stuck enough in my head that I've finally figured out part of the reason why. When I finished The Catcher in the Rye by Salinger a few weeks ago, I LOVED the character of Holden. Holden is such a great character. I love his attitude. I love the ease of his character. I love his openness to say whatever he wants, whenever he wants, to whomever he wants. He's a lot like what I would be like if I didn't have a filter. I battle with my filter, but most of the time, the filter works out for the better. Holden, on the other hand, doesn't much care. Now, I probably should have seen the end of the novel coming, but I was so disturbed...I LOVED his character. I mean, I'm completely enthralled with him...and I read the book weeks ago. Rarely am I so stuck on one character that I can't stop thinking about it. Books, sure, but one character...very rare. I was totally mesmerised by his story. Probably the language in the story that's so true to human life, that many writers don't come close to that sort of reality in a novel...that's what pulled me in. Holden is like the guy friend you want to always have on your side. (Thankfully, I have awesome guy friends who remind me a bit of Holden on occassion.) That's probably another reason I love him as a character.

At any rate, I started this post by talking about Kings of Leon, and that was my intention. This crazy song gets in my head and it isn't the lyrics, but it's the tone of the music that makes me think of Holden Caulfield walking around New York City trying to figure out what he's going to do next. I just feel like the music for the song is a sort of soundtrack to the novel. I suppose the line "too drunk to remember" reminds me of Holden for obvious reasons, and "I kinda think I like her/I kinda think I do" reminds me of his relationship with Jane Gallagher. The lyrics lend themselves to the decision for this to be a soundtrack moment, but there's something to be said for the instrumentals and his astrayed venture.

Be here Waiting...

Now, don't get me wrong, I'm completely consumed by whatever music is running around my head at that particular moment in time, but with lyrics like these, I just have to put them here. (Apparantly I'm on a Kings of Leon obsession...don't worry; it's a healthy obsession.)

Kings of Leon-On Call

She said call me now baby, and I'd come a running.
She said call me now baby, and I'd come a running.
If you'd call me now, baby then I'd come a running.

I'm on call, to be there.
One and all, to be there.
And When I fall, to pieces.
Lord you know, I'll be there waiting.

To be there.
To be there.

I'm on call, to be there.
One and all, to be there.
And When I fall, to pieces.
Lord you know, I'll be there waiting.

I'm gon' brawl, so be there.
One for all, I'll be there.
And when they fall, to pieces.
Lord you know, I'll be there laughing.

I'd come a running.
I'd come a running.
I'd come a running.

To be there.
To be there.

I'm on call, to be there.
I'm on call, to be there.
I'm on call, to be there.
I'm on call, to be there.

----------------------------------------------------
Now, I think this calls for some explanation. I'm one of those people who regards friends as family members. My girlfriends are like my sisters, and my guy friends are like brothers. I love them all dearly, and if anything were to happen to any one of them, I would be there as fast as I could make plans to cover hours at work and have arrangements made for my courses. I'm not sure what I'd do without my "extended family." I'm completely self-less when it comes to taking care of other people, sometimes to my detriment, but I wouldn't change how I feel about taking care of my friends since they've taken great care of me.

The lyrics are simple and straight-forward, but the sentiment is there. I've said it before, and I'll say it again, if it weren't for some of my dearest frinds, I'm not sure I'd be here right now.

Song lyrics currently stewing around in my head:

Kings of Leon-Arizona


That taste
All I ever needed
All I ever wanted
Too dumb to surrender

She shakes
Like the morning railway
Ch-ch-checking me out
Someone on a shoulder

The lamp
Flickers in the bedroom
She must feel as awkward
Whorehouse Arizona

Now go
Stand up to a giant
Say that I'm a fighter
Too drunk to remember
Too drunk to...

Shake hands
My face is laying on the pavement
Tasting something awful
I hate when that happens

She wades
In and out of sexy
She must be plum crazy
I kinda think I like her
I kinda think I do
---------------------------------------------------
I like the lyrics just fine for this one, but I think it's a mix with the instrumentation that really pulled me in from the beginning. That and something raspy and real about his voice....There's definitely something mind blowing about getting lost in the moment of singing a song and channelling the energy to jump inside that moment.

I think the first two stanzas are probably my favorite. And at the end of the 4th stanza as he says the last "To" Ugh, my heart stops a little in that instant. Love it.

Lately, I've been feeling....

a lot like this:


Let me preface by saying, I think this is the first picture that I've actually posted on this blog of myself that isn't my profile picture. It quite possibly could be the first photo period.

The last few weeks I've been (in a serious way) emotionally charged. Perhaps some of that will go away as time goes on, but for now, I'm so uncertain of so many things that I'm scared, edgy, nervous. All of my worst habits are nervous habits. I used to bite the inside of my lower lip when i got nervous-not sure how this habit got started-but recently I've started biting my actual lip to the point of bleeding. This cannot be good... The worst part of it is that I didn't even notice I was doing it until it was pointed out for me. For some reason the first few times I didn't even taste the blood on my lips.

I need some serious time to sort out the conundrum in my head. I'm going to need to start advocating for the mental health day as PTO for the workplace...

A box to be reopened, though it was never shut

Everyone always says, "This too shall pass" after something horrible has happened to you. I'd love to believe that these things can be dealt with and sealed away in some dark place, where the box will never have to be opened again. I, however, have certain life experiences that I'm nearly certain will be etched into my being for the rest of my life. At some point, I will come up with enough courage, focus, direction to write about those life altering events, but for now, I simply can't talk about it. I've read other people say that they will never get over certain life experiences, and I couldn't agree more. I don't think I'll ever stop thinking about it, or stop being in pain over it. That's probably the reason people see psychiatrists, but I don't believe in being psychoanalyzed. I don't believe in being medicated for something like this. The only way I know to deal with it is to just let the emotion come when it needs to. When I need to break down, then that's what I need to do. When I need some solitary time to get my thoughts sorted, then I need to be alone. I know what sort of space I need for certain things and there are just some topics that I'm not yet ready to put on a shelf in the back of my closet. I don't think it'll ever truly pass.

In all of that is the hardened heart of my past, a heart that will never be the same. I know that to some, my past was not difficult, and that I should be over all of it by now, but I don't believe in closed books. There are some books on my shelf that I've read over and over again, and I would still love them, even if I knew every word by heart. I still cry everytime I read The Notebook and I remember just where I was and what I was listening to the first time that I read it. I know the ending. I know it's coming. But everytime, I need a half a box of Kleenex just to make it to the end. The same thing happens with the film version.

I can always count on one thing, though. My emotions totally rule my existence. You'd think that with my hardened heart I'd be over that by now, but I'm still just as emotional and affected as I always have been. I completely let my emotions take over all rational thought... Now I'm inclined to believe that this isn't a bad thing, especially since emotion makes some of the best writing, however, in a time when you're needing to be rational more times than not, this becomes a problem. With that said, if I could live inside a jar with my bottled up emotions, I absolutely would.

Half of the time I write these and I wonder if I've made any sense at all...because mostly I just write to get it all out of my head and the writing takes a completely different form than what I had intended, but sometimes that's just necessary.

...And in the depths of my sadness, I will alone be. With myself and my thoughts, --forever we will be free.