A box to be reopened, though it was never shut

Everyone always says, "This too shall pass" after something horrible has happened to you. I'd love to believe that these things can be dealt with and sealed away in some dark place, where the box will never have to be opened again. I, however, have certain life experiences that I'm nearly certain will be etched into my being for the rest of my life. At some point, I will come up with enough courage, focus, direction to write about those life altering events, but for now, I simply can't talk about it. I've read other people say that they will never get over certain life experiences, and I couldn't agree more. I don't think I'll ever stop thinking about it, or stop being in pain over it. That's probably the reason people see psychiatrists, but I don't believe in being psychoanalyzed. I don't believe in being medicated for something like this. The only way I know to deal with it is to just let the emotion come when it needs to. When I need to break down, then that's what I need to do. When I need some solitary time to get my thoughts sorted, then I need to be alone. I know what sort of space I need for certain things and there are just some topics that I'm not yet ready to put on a shelf in the back of my closet. I don't think it'll ever truly pass.

In all of that is the hardened heart of my past, a heart that will never be the same. I know that to some, my past was not difficult, and that I should be over all of it by now, but I don't believe in closed books. There are some books on my shelf that I've read over and over again, and I would still love them, even if I knew every word by heart. I still cry everytime I read The Notebook and I remember just where I was and what I was listening to the first time that I read it. I know the ending. I know it's coming. But everytime, I need a half a box of Kleenex just to make it to the end. The same thing happens with the film version.

I can always count on one thing, though. My emotions totally rule my existence. You'd think that with my hardened heart I'd be over that by now, but I'm still just as emotional and affected as I always have been. I completely let my emotions take over all rational thought... Now I'm inclined to believe that this isn't a bad thing, especially since emotion makes some of the best writing, however, in a time when you're needing to be rational more times than not, this becomes a problem. With that said, if I could live inside a jar with my bottled up emotions, I absolutely would.

Half of the time I write these and I wonder if I've made any sense at all...because mostly I just write to get it all out of my head and the writing takes a completely different form than what I had intended, but sometimes that's just necessary.

...And in the depths of my sadness, I will alone be. With myself and my thoughts, --forever we will be free.