The State of being Worried

People often say that I worry too much, or that I think too much. Really, I worry that I worry too much...and that's saying something. Who worries about worrying?!? If I made a penny for every worry I had, I'd be a VERY rich girl. Unfortunately that's not the case. I over prepare for each scenario usually, and anxiety, more than anything else, rules my life. Anyone who knows me well enough really knows that I startle easily and that if there's something that makes me nervous, it'll make me nervous to the point of sickness.

Now, when I mean "to the point of sickness," I mean I literally. I'll get into a "mood" and stew over the issue until I've got an upset stomache that will just not go away or I worry myself into throwing up. This is something I'm going to have to hide. Once I start student teaching...mind you this is a year from now...I can't worry myself into sickness with my students. This definitely worries me. I'm worrying about the fact that something worries me....see a trend? Multi-layered worrying.

J.D. Salinger had a good rant about worrying in The Catcher in the Rye that went a little something like this:

"I was so damn worried, that's why. When I really worry about something, I don't just fool around. I even have to go to the bathroom when I worry about something. Only, I don't go. I'm too worried to go. I don't want to interrupt my worrying to go. If you knew Stradlater, you'd have been worried, too..."(40).

Really, I thought it was funny that I've been working on this blog for quite some time, and while I'm casually reading J.D. Salinger, I come across the perfect description of worrying. I have to say that though the book is filled with vulgar language (not that I much care, mind you), it truly is one of the best things I've read in awhile, and I'm only about half way through. I'm enthralled with the character of Holden. He's the stock character bad boy, but he's still the bad boy that you know in real life and are friends with. There are parts of the book that I find myself completely identifying with, and the things in between keep me searching for more. Reading the book is like talking with one of your friends over a beer about the messed up things in their life. I'm just so interested in what Holden's story has to offer that I keep going back and forth between reading it and trying to do some real work, but the "real work" is far less interesting...

At any rate, my worried state is something to be worked on, and perhaps someday I'll find the answer. I find myself constantly evolving, but sometimes the evolving process goes in directions that I have little control over it seems. This is something to be reconciled....not that I'm saying I need to be in control of it, but rather that I need to assist the evolving process into going a direction I understand...more on that later.