c'mon love, love.

Watch me fall apart....

Even 0:20 sec. into the song and I've given up.  He's simply stunning.  Uh, musically ladies, come now.  The first time through, all I could do was listen to the music.  The way the notes come with easy placement, without hesitation, a simplification of all things that should be more complicated.  Its perfectly meshed together with ease-filled transitions, progressions that make sense and leave you wanting more.  The next note hangs in the balance of your life forever until the next note calms you and your breath slows.  Artfully done, Mr. Howard.  Artful. I can feel the beating heart in the music, the breath behind the music that eases through Howard's hands and into the guitar, feeding nourishment through the notes.

Second time through and all I can watch is his face. Oh god, that face.  The story's right there, written all across the curves of his cheekbones and the curve of his lips.  Call me a crazy MF, but watch his eyebrows.  Everything's hidden behind that one expression in the music. Carefully tucked away. Don't get me started on his hair either.

Third time through....Dude, what can I say I'm obsessive.  If I like it, it gets analyzed, pulled apart in every way until I just can't anymore.  It's simply the way I operate.  It makes life way easier for me.  Or complicated, but it works for me.  So, we were saying....ah yes, third time.  Watch his hands.  Delicately placed on the neck, picking each note.  He could do this in his sleep he's so comfortable.  And comforting, did I mention that? It's the perfect "I get lost in this moment" except it's not a moment lost in time, it's continuous from start to end.  There's a space of openness that I could swim in starting, like here from 3:55 to 4:30. Dive in at 3:55, Arms first.

(yeah, you saw that correctly.  Two versions. Same song. Hello, he performs live?! AND it's done that well? SWOON.)

 That rich, full sound I'd like to dream upon, floating outside of my body as the music takes over every emotion and particle of my being. I'm paralyzed in the music and can find no way out until 4:56 hits. 

repeat.repeat.repeat.

Spin with the Rain

 I used to have a much better process for this I feel...


Looking from underneath the awning, nothing seems more exciting than running around in that field, out in the rain.  Comfort in the sound, Comfort in the chill. Each droplet falls, slowly caressing my skin, feeling a sense of wonder at the world around me.  Overtaken with the moment, run into the rain, Dance in the fields, stand, stare at those stars. Wait for it. Wait for that moment when the stars align and all ends in peace.

Calm, careening drops fall to my arm.
Earth's tears cover my sadness, cocoons me in the moment.
Bodily desires take over the moment as the mind slowly slips down with the rain...
Only the stars are left. Locked in each other.

Vivid memories, from a night once forgotten.

Words that must be said.

Confession. Tonight, my head is wrapped around someone who came and went in my life. With only a short period of knowing each other, I can hardly say anything for certain about his life, or about mine. But, what I do know is that now he's gone. Gone and won't be coming back.

I miss the nights we used to jam at the the fraternity by the stadium. I miss the nights I used to practice at your house for my audition instead of a cramped up little practice room in the music building on campus. I miss the night we went out to dinner with one of my friends and her boyfriend at the time and just drove around the city. I miss drinking wine and having you cook me dinner, and watching Seinfeld. I miss your apartment and the way I sank into your couch. I miss the long walks to your apartment in anticipation of seeing you. But now you're gone. Gone and will not be coming back. Gone, and I'll never see you again. Gone, and I didn't even go to your funeral.

I'm comin home

First of all, wine makes the world go round. Just had to put that out there. Anyone who disagrees need not read any further.



So, I'm not much for usually sharing images, photos, videos, etc. on this blog. It's mostly about writing. But, let me explain for a moment...

I don't give a shit about the rapping in this song. I merely care about the first 30 seconds and the re-occurring moments through the rest of the song where this vignette is revisited. It's beautiful. It's real.... it's oh so very true.

i'm coming home/i'm coming home/tell the world i'm coming home.
let the rain/wash away/all the pain of yesterday/i know my kingdom awaits/and they've forgiven my mistakes/i'm coming home/i'm coming home/tell the world i'm coming home.

I have, actually, made it full circle and feel that I'm (theoretically at least) "coming" home. I've started prepping for my new career and I feel at home there. My thoughts are crazy, and ridiculous, and all over the place as normal, but I'm feeling a sense of "home" in them. I feel more myself than I have in years. I feel delighted with life; I feel there's something to live for. More importantly, I feel that I have a purpose. There is a need for me to make this continue. That's all I'll say about that because I try to keep my high points pretty private.

In another sense, I feel like my brain is trying to tell me something and I've figured it out, but, as normal, it's hard to really admit that you feel the way you do about something. On rare occasions, I decide to wear my heart on my sleeve. In general, I keep these things hidden, deep within the soul, so that it never has to face the daylight of someone else's judgment. It's something I absolutely do not embrace. There is a time and place for my heart to be laid out on the line for everyone to experience, but mostly, I keep it very protected.

There are very few people in life who get to know the inner workings of my mind. If you think these writings are the true extent of "me"....well then, if only you knew the things that really go on in my head. There's far more than I would ever let on.

The New Year

Yesterday, I got totally schooled by an 18 year old. How is it that an eighteen year old knows more about the human condition than I do at 24? I told her one vaguely intimate story of my life, a mere seconds in reality, and yet she knew the answer better than I did. Within thirty seconds I was crying. Bawling in the way that you can't control your feelings, but really want to go back and edit the fact that you'd just let someone into your life. Bawling not only because of this, but because she was completely and utterly right. How didn't I see that before? Usually, I find myself very intuitive about other people, but after that experience, how can I possibly believe that about myself?

2011 is bound to be a year of reflection. Little did I know, I have more to reflect on than I originally thought. A year of discovery, perhaps. Maybe at 24, I've finally decided to figure out why I am the way I am instead of just letting it happen without reasoning with it.

Let the new year begin...

A Skeptics Thoughts

Maybe I'm a questioner, maybe I'm just a pessimist, but there's something to be said that we're the only species that marries. On rare occasions, animals in nature share their lives with only one mate. RARE, mind you. Are we one of those rare species? Doubtful. Look at the stats on divorce. Maybe we're not all that different from the majority of the animal species. We may be rational beings who understand the awareness of our own bodies, but we're also behind so many destructive forces that it makes you wonder how much we value life--And life with another person for that matter. We can easily call a lawyer and make it an official split, with divisions of nearly everything in sight worth splicing in two. So, does two really become one, or is it a simple equation of dividing two?

It seems that with so many people splitting, I wonder if people really would be happier being alone. Animals make a simple decision to have what we affectionately call "open relationships." In the human world, this is looked upon unfavorably...but why? They still reproduce in the wild to create a new population and regenerate the species. It's beyond likely that this would occur in the human world. Is it necessary to live with two incomes in a "family?" Not necessarily. Before we necessitated living in a world with money, people traded goods and lived off the land. Animals have survived doing this for far longer than we have. Does this mean that we evolved into something more because we use a system that includes money exchanged for things instead of trading things for things? I highly doubt that.

So, is it for the tax cut that we decide to marry? No, not really. (The perks can't be that significantly different.) Personally, I prefer to have my finances managed by me, myself, and I. So, why is it that perfectly rational beings tend to fall into a norm of marriage? I'm not going to be so forward as to suggest that I have any real answers here, but I find it hard to believe that this institution should be so highly desired when it so rarely fails. A perfectly happy, independent person doesn't need the financial security, nor the daily affirmation of self-worth that another person could provide. Having good friends can essentially give you the same sort of satisfaction and as long as you have your own financial means, is "the other half" truly needed? Even the term "the other half" implies that you aren't whole unless you have something (read: someone) else in your life. Well, I refuse to believe that I wouldn't be a whole person without someone else. I can just as easily spend the rest of my life with friends and family and achieve the same sort of social interaction.

Then, aside from procreation, what is the need for another person to share your life with? Animals switch partners to reproduce effectively in the wild. Really, with the divorce rate what it is, we do the same thing. In the same right, if the significant other passes on, as a society, we frequently find another mate. Isn't that the same thing that happens in the wild? The only difference is that we spend a significant amount of time with the person we are married to before they pass and we find another partner. Often, after a divorce, we find other mates as well and for some reason decide to remarry. So, really, why bother getting married in the first place?

I don't come from a broken family. My parents are still happily married. My closest grandmother never remarried after her husband passed away. My other set of grandparents had a similar fate, yet my grandfather did remarry after his first wife passed away. But, the outstanding statistic remains this: 50% of my aunts and uncles on EACH side of my family were divorced. Half of the 50% divorcees have remarried. And outlandishly, 50% of my grandparents remarried because of a passing in the family. Sounds to me like a family trend. None of these divorces or remarriages have significantly affected me.

Where does that leave us? Going nowhere fast. I consider my argument to be completely null. Merely thoughts stirring in my head, that will yet again be resurfaced at another time.

Part Deux...

I feel it sometimes. I feel your soul sweep into my body and overtake mine for a brief second while something inside me sparks. Just as soon as the spark hits, your soul escapes mine and its gone. Just like that I feel the heat leave me cold, chilled to the core. Out of nowhere, this feeling overcomes my body and yet again, I feel the emptiness of having something valued taken from me. No, not taken. Stolen. Simply gone, as if it had never happened, never existed. I want to tell myself that I don't feel that way. That it's just in my head; a rattled thought from nowhere. But it isn't like that. The reality is that rattled thought pains me. The chilling of the body isn't my head speaking, it's the absence of you that leaves me. Dripping for more.

Working on this one...

For just a moment, our souls crossed paths.

In a movie, this would be the part where the two characters looked as if they walked right through each other, but went into slow motion. That unbelievable moment that only happens in a movie. Because, really, how often are we affected so heavily by another person that you feel like you're having an out of body experience? Never. But, what if it did happen? What if that moment only captured in movies actually happened to you, or made you feel that way. There are very few people in your life that leave you so....unnerved. During that moment, the other person takes something away from you. They take a tiny piece of you. A piece that can never be retrieved. A piece that lives with them forever, pulling at their heartstrings. But, as you cross paths, you take the same thing from you. The constant aching, weary feeling never subsides. This is your life now.

Fireworks.

So, after a friend of mine asked me to think about the top 15 albums I'll never forget, I naturally made a list and shared it with my friends as well. However, much of the albums on the list deserve explanation. Though some people may criticize my musical choices, it really ruffles my feathers when people who generally listen to the same music as me make critiques on my decisions. The albums I list are ones that I felt not only were outside of my usual music choice, but are also albums that most people don't know are related to very important times in my life. This doesn't always reflect the moods that I show other people. I tend to keep a lot to myself, and in this instance, the albums fit that aesthetic.

These albums take me back to a place in time, make me remember specific moments, or make me think. They do not define my entire musical taste.

Here's the list of 15: (**IN NO PARTICULAR ORDER**)

1. John Mayer-Heavier Things
2. John Mayer-Where the Light is (Live)
3. Sigur Ros- ( )
4. Keane-Under the Iron Sea
5. Coheed and Cambria-Good Apollo, I'm Burning Star IV: Volume 1...
6. Jeff Buckley-Grace
7. The Smashing Pumpkins-Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness
8. Bela Fleck and the Flecktones-Live at the Quick
9. Incubus-Make Yourself
10. Staind-Break the Cycle
11. Circa Survive-On Letting Go
12. Miles Davis-Kind of Blue
13. Coldplay-a rush of blood to the head
14. Staind-Dysfunction
15. Jason Mraz-Waiting for my rocket to come

Here's for the explanation:

1&2 John Mayer is simply always going to be a part of my life. I'd pretty much give up my grandchildren for this man. Nuf said.
3. Sigur Ros is my study music, my thinking music, my philosophical music, writing music, sleeping music....it's versatile and I love it. Don't hate.
5. So many reasons, but this band is pretty much the best thing since sliced bread. I can't get enough of the lyrics, of Claudio's voice, of the guitar riffs, the drummer's talent, etc. You name it, I'm in love.
6. Jeff Buckley pretty much changed the way I look at music. His voice is amazing and he was a great lyricist.
7. Smashing Pumpkins are always classic.
8. Bela Fleck and the Flecktones. This deserves a longer explanation.... Back when I was a freshman at the University of Wisconsin, I met an amazing person named Adam. I still speak very highly of him even though he ended up to be really shitty to me, but he influenced my musical taste and introduced me to some great people. This is an album that will always make me think of him, and that will always make me miss him for what he was. I changed dramatically after meeting him and my life with always be touched with what he taught me--To enjoy life and to not be too serious. Sometimes I need a good swift kick in the pants to realize this. Adam, may you rest in peace. May you always know how much of a difference you made in my life and in many others.
9&10...LOVE Staind and this particular Incubus album. Staind will always hold a place in my heart because I adore Aaron Lewis. Amazing voice, lyrics that speak to me. This makes me think of my high school days, and while they weren't always happy, it takes me back to that place and a few others.
11. A current obsession....and one that will remain for quite some time.
12. Miles Davis. I love jazz. I grew up listening to jazz. Miles Davis is a beautifully rude musician. That is to say, that it doesn't appeal to everyone, and it doesn't always make sense, but somehow it all works.
13. Coldplay. Chill and relaxed. I used to listen to this in a walkman--old school!--when I was in high school before I got my first iPod.
14. Staind. Another album, courtesy of the glorious Aaron Lewis.
15. My final album on this list....Jason Mraz. This is another one that deserves longer explanation. It takes me back to, yet again, my freshman year at the University of Wisconsin. I used to walk to class listening to this album on my iPod. I listened to this album when I decided to start this blog in fact. "Who needs shelter" inspires me to take a minute and simply think. To simply "be" with my thoughts. I remember sitting at my first laptop, looking out my dorm room window in the middle of the afternoon, drinking an Irish Cream Latte writing on this blog when I first started it in 2004...6 years ago. Not much has changed about my writing process, but this album is important to me not because of the lyrics, or because of the artist, but because of the places it has taken me. When I listen to this album, it reminds me of the truth of myself--Why i write and why I continue to write.

Enough about me. What albums changed your life?

Intertwined

"PIece it all together now......"

If only I could actually do that.

"Because I sell myself short, everytime."

Yes, Yes I do. Maybe I'm not strong enough to do the things I think I really should. The things that are best off for me. Maybe I know so little about myself that I have no idea what the hell I'm supposed to do. The right decision seems harder and harder to make and one I'm too scared to try. Always too cautious, always taking the safe path. Trying too hard to sort it without having any real idea of where I'm going. I'm taking a drive, but have no idea what the destination is. Aimlessly walking through life, feeling purposeless, trying to figure it out as I go instead of trying to plan it ahead, but I'm no good on my feet. I always have a solution afterwards, in hindsight. In the moment? Not so great. I'm lost. Emotion stricken. Fear overcomes me and I have nothing. In that moment, I've lost everything I believed about myself. I'm no longer strong. I'm weak; shattered. Who is this girl? She's one I don't understand. One that takes over my body and reclaims it as hers.

If I could cry a thousand tears, I would, but even a tearless cry won't come.

I still have faith, it will start again...

Times Passed

Once upon a time, I used to sing. Pretty well, If I remember well enough. I still think I'm not horrible, but times have definitely changed. I still love it. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't sing in my car, hum to the lyrics at work, or find a tune in my head out of nowhere that gets me going. Every year I had a solo in elementary school. In middle school, I took Orchestra because we could only take one music course. In high school, I went back to taking Choir and Orchestra. I was in Women's Choir, A Cappella Choir, and a special jazz group called 7th Heaven. I loved it. I eat, slept, and breathed music. It was all I knew and all I ever cared to know.

In high school, I was the crazy music kid in our graduating class. There were a few others, but I ended up being voted "Most likely to be the Next American Idol" and was runner up for "Most Musical" in my class. (Luckily, I lost out against one of my best friends for the top spot, an amazing cellist named Elizabeth. I hold no hostility. She's great.) But, now that I've all but abandoned playing my violin for reasons I'd rather not get into with this post, I find myself more and more drawn to written lyrics, to the curves of the lyricism in the notes, to the emotion in the orchestration. I find it now almost more than I used to when I was enamored with music and thought of nothing else. The feeling's still there, but buried underneath far too many other things.

Real life happened and now I find it harder and harder to get back to my musical roots. I've drifted so far from some of the things I love so much, it seems hard to go back given where I am now. I can't have people bringing down the things I love! The music that keeps me going, the tune that sings to my soul... The one thing that makes me feel alive and happy. No one will take that away from me.

A little "getting to know you" activity...

I've had people call me a lot of things before. Mostly, these people don't know me, never get a clear picture of who I am, or read into me very little. Their conception of me, is simply a disaster. I lay my heart on my sleeve for the few people I actually trust enough to let into my crazy life. Some of my very best friends have yet to really "get" me. Mostly, I put up a good front, but occasionally, occasionally everything hangs out for the world to see. I feel vulnerable, I feel untamed, I feel....not myself at all. I don't know how to handle myself sometimes when the emotion floods out from every pore. It makes me feel like I know very little about myself in these situations, and then I remember that I'm a constantly evolving being who will change. I don't have everything figured out yet. I will continue to evolve into something I don't understand and will spend a lifetime trying to understand that.

In the meantime, this I know for sure (right now)....

I AM.....

..a music lover
..a rocker
..a skeptic
..a non-conformist
..dark
..emotional
..life-long learner
..thinker
..a night owl
..well versed in literature
..a writer

and...

..most of all...

..severely independent.

Take it, or leave it.

Really? This is me...

Unfortunately, you seem to have caught me in an off moment...or really, perhaps this is myself. I haven't decided yet what's real and what's caught in a moment.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There is a moment...a single moment when I can't even feel anymore.
I'm breathless, unable to speak, unable to speak, unable to think.
There is no moment like this, where I completely feel like I can't remember anything.
I can't remember any of it...and I revel in moments often.
Clouded, fuzzy, whatever you want to call it.

There's almost nothing about those moments that I remember because I'm so drunkenly lost in the moment. Breathless. Mindless. Lost.

There are very few moments in life where I'm completely and utterly lost. These are ones I'll keep forever. Revelling in the fact that I cannot explain it.

Battle Studies...Yup, sounds like my head.

My head is running 5 miles in front of the rest of me today...and I'm struggling just to keep up.
I have too many things to try and sort through today. And my head will literally destroy me if I let it.
::sigh::

Untitled and Unfinished...

Working from here:

Electricity running from tip to toe.
Butterflies dance with dizzying speed.
Eyes searching for the moment--Breathless single moment.
The clock holds the time.

---------------------------------------------------------
If I could only write like this...

"Your eyes tell the stories of a day you wish you could
Recall the moments that once have
Retract the footsteps that brought us to this favor
I wouldn't ask this of you"

I find such beauty and comfort in the words written by others, but constantly feel like my stuff isn't up to par. ;/

Today, my head is here:

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin' for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

woah woaaah.

Guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothin' at all
It's a quarter after one I'm all alone and I need you now
And I said I wouldn't call but I'm a little drunk and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

I just need you now

Ooo, baby, I need you now

Everyone who knows me realizes I'm not a country music fan. Lady Antebellum is, by my standards just that, even if other people want to categorize it differently. All the same, I'm a lyric freak, and musically, this one hit me really hard. Lyrically, my heart stopped.

155th Post.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6cN1w2_i6A&feature=fvst

Check it.

This is one that hits me hard. For once, it's not about lyrics. This is rare, I realize, but the guitar and I have conversation every time I hear this. It's electrifying. All 6:00 minutes have somehow entered into my bloodstream and run through my body and I'm suddenly in a different state of existence like nothing i've ever experienced. I swear there are times I can feel the music pulsating through my body. There's the feeling where music moves you, and then there's the time when the music is inside you. This, is the latter. I feel this way with few songs, and it doesn't happen every time. It's sporadic-in the worst way possible. It's a complete out of body experience where I feel only the music in the deepest meditative state. It's better than goosebumps from the music. It's a high I will not give up.

Music lovers beware, I have a very intimate connection with my tunes.

Things I'm doing for myself....

1. a LOT of music therapy. It always seems to get me through the worst of moments...
2. I have high hopes of writing for myself these days. WRITE, WRITE, WRITE.
3. Crafting. The knitting I've been doing lately is simple, yes, but therapeutic for me.
4. Yoga. I'm trying to make this a daily routine, though I haven't made it a habit just yet. Yoga and running will hopefully clear some of this also.
5. Meditation and reflective thought. And lots of it.


I need some time to get out of this slump, and unfortunately, I think it's going to take awhile.

A Quote to leave you with...

"Don't live your life for anyone else. In the end all that matters is your own happiness."

I like this. Why? It makes perfect sense. In the end, there's only me. I have friends, family, a fiance, but at the end of the day, all that matters is that I'm happy. I have a terrible habit of trying to make everyone else happy before I make myself happy. Instead, I end up resenting the fact that I can't do my own things, or that I'm so focused on others that I forget about myself. Needless to say, the little time I do get by myself, I really cherish. And yet, there are other times when I'm so pissed off and angry with the world and everyone else that I don't even want to be with myself.

That, my lovelies, needs to change. I'm tired of standing up for other people and trying to just do the "nice" thing. I do feel like I used to be a lot more "myself" since I would just say what was on my mind and be done with it. Now, there are all these other things clouding the way I really am and I'm turning into something I don't really understand. I know there's a time and place for etiquette and when it's appropriate to say certain things and when it isn't (like at a fundraiser or benefit versus out to dinner with friends), but how do you not lose yourself in this situation?

Really, I just want to be me instead of the person behind someone else. I'm stronger than that. Right now, I feel like I'm living my life for someone else...and I want my own life back. No more sidelines, no more waiting. I will live my own life in search of personal happiness.

A little less "we can" and a little more "I can!"

If only...

"I want real human moments. I want to see you. I want you to see me. I don't want to give that up." --Waking Life

If only there were words to spell out the look on my face. Sometimes a look is all it takes and no words are needed. I'm running and running, with no direction, only hoping to find a way. I believe in the power of words, wholeheartedly. But, there is nothing like the way a piece of beautiful music leaves you. The notes slip into my body and take over everything and I have no control.


For those few moments, I am alive.