c'mon love, love.

Watch me fall apart....

Even 0:20 sec. into the song and I've given up.  He's simply stunning.  Uh, musically ladies, come now.  The first time through, all I could do was listen to the music.  The way the notes come with easy placement, without hesitation, a simplification of all things that should be more complicated.  Its perfectly meshed together with ease-filled transitions, progressions that make sense and leave you wanting more.  The next note hangs in the balance of your life forever until the next note calms you and your breath slows.  Artfully done, Mr. Howard.  Artful. I can feel the beating heart in the music, the breath behind the music that eases through Howard's hands and into the guitar, feeding nourishment through the notes.

Second time through and all I can watch is his face. Oh god, that face.  The story's right there, written all across the curves of his cheekbones and the curve of his lips.  Call me a crazy MF, but watch his eyebrows.  Everything's hidden behind that one expression in the music. Carefully tucked away. Don't get me started on his hair either.

Third time through....Dude, what can I say I'm obsessive.  If I like it, it gets analyzed, pulled apart in every way until I just can't anymore.  It's simply the way I operate.  It makes life way easier for me.  Or complicated, but it works for me.  So, we were saying....ah yes, third time.  Watch his hands.  Delicately placed on the neck, picking each note.  He could do this in his sleep he's so comfortable.  And comforting, did I mention that? It's the perfect "I get lost in this moment" except it's not a moment lost in time, it's continuous from start to end.  There's a space of openness that I could swim in starting, like here from 3:55 to 4:30. Dive in at 3:55, Arms first.

(yeah, you saw that correctly.  Two versions. Same song. Hello, he performs live?! AND it's done that well? SWOON.)

 That rich, full sound I'd like to dream upon, floating outside of my body as the music takes over every emotion and particle of my being. I'm paralyzed in the music and can find no way out until 4:56 hits. 

repeat.repeat.repeat.

Spin with the Rain

 I used to have a much better process for this I feel...


Looking from underneath the awning, nothing seems more exciting than running around in that field, out in the rain.  Comfort in the sound, Comfort in the chill. Each droplet falls, slowly caressing my skin, feeling a sense of wonder at the world around me.  Overtaken with the moment, run into the rain, Dance in the fields, stand, stare at those stars. Wait for it. Wait for that moment when the stars align and all ends in peace.

Calm, careening drops fall to my arm.
Earth's tears cover my sadness, cocoons me in the moment.
Bodily desires take over the moment as the mind slowly slips down with the rain...
Only the stars are left. Locked in each other.

Vivid memories, from a night once forgotten.

Words that must be said.

Confession. Tonight, my head is wrapped around someone who came and went in my life. With only a short period of knowing each other, I can hardly say anything for certain about his life, or about mine. But, what I do know is that now he's gone. Gone and won't be coming back.

I miss the nights we used to jam at the the fraternity by the stadium. I miss the nights I used to practice at your house for my audition instead of a cramped up little practice room in the music building on campus. I miss the night we went out to dinner with one of my friends and her boyfriend at the time and just drove around the city. I miss drinking wine and having you cook me dinner, and watching Seinfeld. I miss your apartment and the way I sank into your couch. I miss the long walks to your apartment in anticipation of seeing you. But now you're gone. Gone and will not be coming back. Gone, and I'll never see you again. Gone, and I didn't even go to your funeral.

I'm comin home

First of all, wine makes the world go round. Just had to put that out there. Anyone who disagrees need not read any further.



So, I'm not much for usually sharing images, photos, videos, etc. on this blog. It's mostly about writing. But, let me explain for a moment...

I don't give a shit about the rapping in this song. I merely care about the first 30 seconds and the re-occurring moments through the rest of the song where this vignette is revisited. It's beautiful. It's real.... it's oh so very true.

i'm coming home/i'm coming home/tell the world i'm coming home.
let the rain/wash away/all the pain of yesterday/i know my kingdom awaits/and they've forgiven my mistakes/i'm coming home/i'm coming home/tell the world i'm coming home.

I have, actually, made it full circle and feel that I'm (theoretically at least) "coming" home. I've started prepping for my new career and I feel at home there. My thoughts are crazy, and ridiculous, and all over the place as normal, but I'm feeling a sense of "home" in them. I feel more myself than I have in years. I feel delighted with life; I feel there's something to live for. More importantly, I feel that I have a purpose. There is a need for me to make this continue. That's all I'll say about that because I try to keep my high points pretty private.

In another sense, I feel like my brain is trying to tell me something and I've figured it out, but, as normal, it's hard to really admit that you feel the way you do about something. On rare occasions, I decide to wear my heart on my sleeve. In general, I keep these things hidden, deep within the soul, so that it never has to face the daylight of someone else's judgment. It's something I absolutely do not embrace. There is a time and place for my heart to be laid out on the line for everyone to experience, but mostly, I keep it very protected.

There are very few people in life who get to know the inner workings of my mind. If you think these writings are the true extent of "me"....well then, if only you knew the things that really go on in my head. There's far more than I would ever let on.

The New Year

Yesterday, I got totally schooled by an 18 year old. How is it that an eighteen year old knows more about the human condition than I do at 24? I told her one vaguely intimate story of my life, a mere seconds in reality, and yet she knew the answer better than I did. Within thirty seconds I was crying. Bawling in the way that you can't control your feelings, but really want to go back and edit the fact that you'd just let someone into your life. Bawling not only because of this, but because she was completely and utterly right. How didn't I see that before? Usually, I find myself very intuitive about other people, but after that experience, how can I possibly believe that about myself?

2011 is bound to be a year of reflection. Little did I know, I have more to reflect on than I originally thought. A year of discovery, perhaps. Maybe at 24, I've finally decided to figure out why I am the way I am instead of just letting it happen without reasoning with it.

Let the new year begin...

A Skeptics Thoughts

Maybe I'm a questioner, maybe I'm just a pessimist, but there's something to be said that we're the only species that marries. On rare occasions, animals in nature share their lives with only one mate. RARE, mind you. Are we one of those rare species? Doubtful. Look at the stats on divorce. Maybe we're not all that different from the majority of the animal species. We may be rational beings who understand the awareness of our own bodies, but we're also behind so many destructive forces that it makes you wonder how much we value life--And life with another person for that matter. We can easily call a lawyer and make it an official split, with divisions of nearly everything in sight worth splicing in two. So, does two really become one, or is it a simple equation of dividing two?

It seems that with so many people splitting, I wonder if people really would be happier being alone. Animals make a simple decision to have what we affectionately call "open relationships." In the human world, this is looked upon unfavorably...but why? They still reproduce in the wild to create a new population and regenerate the species. It's beyond likely that this would occur in the human world. Is it necessary to live with two incomes in a "family?" Not necessarily. Before we necessitated living in a world with money, people traded goods and lived off the land. Animals have survived doing this for far longer than we have. Does this mean that we evolved into something more because we use a system that includes money exchanged for things instead of trading things for things? I highly doubt that.

So, is it for the tax cut that we decide to marry? No, not really. (The perks can't be that significantly different.) Personally, I prefer to have my finances managed by me, myself, and I. So, why is it that perfectly rational beings tend to fall into a norm of marriage? I'm not going to be so forward as to suggest that I have any real answers here, but I find it hard to believe that this institution should be so highly desired when it so rarely fails. A perfectly happy, independent person doesn't need the financial security, nor the daily affirmation of self-worth that another person could provide. Having good friends can essentially give you the same sort of satisfaction and as long as you have your own financial means, is "the other half" truly needed? Even the term "the other half" implies that you aren't whole unless you have something (read: someone) else in your life. Well, I refuse to believe that I wouldn't be a whole person without someone else. I can just as easily spend the rest of my life with friends and family and achieve the same sort of social interaction.

Then, aside from procreation, what is the need for another person to share your life with? Animals switch partners to reproduce effectively in the wild. Really, with the divorce rate what it is, we do the same thing. In the same right, if the significant other passes on, as a society, we frequently find another mate. Isn't that the same thing that happens in the wild? The only difference is that we spend a significant amount of time with the person we are married to before they pass and we find another partner. Often, after a divorce, we find other mates as well and for some reason decide to remarry. So, really, why bother getting married in the first place?

I don't come from a broken family. My parents are still happily married. My closest grandmother never remarried after her husband passed away. My other set of grandparents had a similar fate, yet my grandfather did remarry after his first wife passed away. But, the outstanding statistic remains this: 50% of my aunts and uncles on EACH side of my family were divorced. Half of the 50% divorcees have remarried. And outlandishly, 50% of my grandparents remarried because of a passing in the family. Sounds to me like a family trend. None of these divorces or remarriages have significantly affected me.

Where does that leave us? Going nowhere fast. I consider my argument to be completely null. Merely thoughts stirring in my head, that will yet again be resurfaced at another time.

Part Deux...

I feel it sometimes. I feel your soul sweep into my body and overtake mine for a brief second while something inside me sparks. Just as soon as the spark hits, your soul escapes mine and its gone. Just like that I feel the heat leave me cold, chilled to the core. Out of nowhere, this feeling overcomes my body and yet again, I feel the emptiness of having something valued taken from me. No, not taken. Stolen. Simply gone, as if it had never happened, never existed. I want to tell myself that I don't feel that way. That it's just in my head; a rattled thought from nowhere. But it isn't like that. The reality is that rattled thought pains me. The chilling of the body isn't my head speaking, it's the absence of you that leaves me. Dripping for more.